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Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 9
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I need some advice from survivors of childhood abuse for better relationship with guysPage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I can empathise with you, I know what abuse can do to self esteem and ones relationship life. Continue to get counciling, also there are anonomous groups, such as codependcey annonomous, alcholics annonomous, ect. in which other with similar issues learn that the abuse wasent yours and can teach you not to be down on yourself for any abuse you have suffered and ways of develping self worth.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 12
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I need some advice from survivors of childhood abuse for better relationship with guys
Posted: 10/14/2009 10:45:26 PM
If you are in therapy, you need to get real and do some hard work, not saying you aren't, but if you aren't getting any where being honest & open with your therapists, then find another one. It took me several years to find a therapist I could work with and even then I didn't like her at first. Stick with it, you have nothing to lose and lots to gain.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 24
I need some advice from survivors of childhood abuse for better relationship with guys
Posted: 10/15/2009 6:40:55 AM

I have also found that clubbing baby seals is a great way to get out pent up aggressions.
Not to mention the nice coats that come as bonus incentives.

Best advice so far.

I need some advice from survivors of childhood abuse for better relationship with guys
Posted: 10/15/2009 9:28:25 AM
I completely agree with XOthermic and BDJ and I have witnessed the negative they are speaking of and lived the positive.

We are only survivors if we can move on from it. If we are dwelling in our abusive past, we have not survived it because we are still living it.

It takes hard work to move beyond it and few, especially for those who thrive on drama, are willing to put the effort in to doing so. It's a convenient excuse to blame our present, attitude, behaviour, etc. on our past abuses.

We are all, in some way or another, victims of circumstances... it is our choice as to whether or not we are victims in life.
Joined: 10/2/2009
Msg: 27
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I need some advice from survivors of childhood abuse for better relationship with guys
Posted: 10/15/2009 2:54:01 PM
My mom remarried when I was 9 to a career military man. My childhood ended at 9. Even when they were dating I was being instructed what I could say to may mom about the way he was treating me. The beatings started before they were married and continued until I was 16 and kicked his ass and said no more. There was also a lot of mental abuse towards me and towards her. He didn't hit her often, he saved most of the physical abuse for me. She is a total mess and I am stuck caring for her since he left her. I blame both of them and especially her because she could have stopped a lot of it but decided to cause fights which he took out on me. They fought the exact same fight for over 30 years and I can recite it line for line. I was the only adult in the house from age 9 on.

That said I ruined a lot of good relationships because I was afraid I was going to be like him. I got to a point where I realized they were winning and still in charge of my life because of the way I was treated when growing up. I finally made my peace with him and we have a great relationship but my mom and I are growing farther apart because every conversation turns into her past. I am at the point where I will not allow either one of them to bring up the past and I have buried it. I found I really am a good person and am nothing but respectful to women and I treat them well. I will talk over a problem but when the yelling starts I am out until she is calm and can talk like a rational person and I will not let my self sink to the level of my parents and my upbringing.

I look at my past like this. It happened, I don't have any a way of changing what I went through so I look at is as a life experience that I went through so maybe when I got the right woman in my life I saw by the wrong example how to be a real and loving man for her and the children if she has them. I still remember what happened to me but I buried and don't allow it to poison my life anymore. You can't change what happened so use it as a way to look at potential mates for the bad traits but don't act like he was the father in your life or you will ruin every relationship. I have to also think that not all women are like my mother either and don't go into a relationship thinking badly of her.

Every person you start a relationship with gets a clean slate and does not get compared to you life or last relationship. When there is a issue talk about it and deal with it. If he was really wrong and apologizes you need to bury that thing and NEVER bring it up again as it is pure poison and when you add old problems to the new problems all it will do is make him hate you. If he is inconsiderate and reverts back to the old issue and does not quickly correct find someone else and no amount of pushing will change him. I do not tolerate drudging up past mistakes, do it a few times with me and I stop picking up the phone and move on. Life is too short to be badgered and don't control me either but do tell me when I have hurt you or you think I did.

When I start a new relationship I discuss my upbringing and abuse in detail. I also discuss what I have learned from it. I discuss my fears in relationships and what I need. I talk about my faults as I see them or have been told and ask her to tell me if I am falling back into the past or being negative. I also want to hear about her past abuses if there were any and ask that she be honest as it all comes out in the end as you can't hide issues. Sexual abuse to either person needs to be known as well as it can affect your love life which will become very important. I ask her to tell me her faults. I also talk about my past relationships and hers and then we both bury them as they are over and we are together. I really want to know someone's past so I can do my best not to open an old wound for them with my actions which is why it is so important to be open and honest. Honesty is a must in all areas including sex so both know what they are getting into. Talk to your potential mate about relationship counseling as you can learn to deal with things the right way. I will say this much if the counselor is not telling you to deal with each issue and not bring up the past run like hell and stay away from shrinks as they are worthless.

My last advice is this. Always be open and honest. Learn to communicate and never go to bed mad. If you have a issue it is better to write it down and let the other person read it and think for a little while before you talk about it. Learn from your past and then bury it. Don't worry about little things and sometimes it is just better to let something minor go than to bring it up as most guys hate control and withdraw and let us know when we are getting petty as well. Don't put out right away either, it will weed out the guys that are there just to get laid and l keep the powerful sex feelings out of the way until you know you are compatible. If you can wait a couple months you will know by then if you will work out or not.

I used to hate my life and my past and now look at it as there must have been a reason I went through it. My past made me a better person and a better man and sadly most women just can handle someone that is not like the rest of the guys. Every one has a bullsh-it meter and you will know who is there for you and who isn't.
Joined: 10/29/2008
Msg: 28
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I need some advice from survivors of childhood abuse for better relationship with guys
Posted: 10/15/2009 3:45:02 PM
First advice to abuse survivors is to be up front about it, so that way there are surprises before you start a relationship with a guy.
Second, don't overreact to any new guy. While only a small percent of men are outright abusers, most men can yell or have bad moods or be controlling at least occasionally. Don't expect perfection, and don't run at the first sign of any problem. While you should absolutely not tolerate any abuse, all relationships run into at least minor problems.
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 32
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I need some advice from survivors of childhood abuse for better relationship with guys
Posted: 10/17/2009 1:47:01 AM
I think your very brave postign here
I echo here that you should consider counselling
My expereince of being the 'partner' of a abused victim is that there no one asnwer as each abuse affects a differnet depth of a persons persona, and hence their ability to recover

Understanding & pacince should are essential ingredients to anyone in a any relationship but particular to this kind of dynamic


ps. I reference to some posts- advice is helping someone find their own awnsers rather than telling them what to do ~ it's the sign of a mature person and at the same time serves to be one definition of a friend
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 33
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I need some advice from survivors of childhood abuse for better relationship with guys
Posted: 10/17/2009 5:42:35 AM much good advice has been posted here (including read Eckhert Tolle) and also message 38 I found especially powerful on how to move forward in relationship once a deep level of healing has happened. And please know, I am not wishing to tell you what to do, just offering suggestions that have helped me, that's all.

Your last post, OP, sounds to me like it speaks your deeper truth....and you know yourself best. Trust and honour your gut feelings and hold off on romance for now, as at this point it could add new branches to that maze in your heart you are still exploring and trying to navigate....and may be for the rest of your life....for nothing ever really goes away, in my view, but our perspective on it, our automatic pilot can be re-set to manual so we can view each new experience as a truly new experience.

Definitely, as others have said many times here, and even suggested specific types of professional paths, find the counsellor that your guts again will tell you is the right one to help you. You knew the other was not going to be effective, but perhaps your history is also guiding your radar with therapists.

I had a really wonderful counsellor a few years ago that was not the first one I found....but a second one I requested after my guts telling me the first one was less conscious than me (and so who would be helping who? :).... And something my blessed counsellor told me that has always stuck was she said something like this, "Once I made up my mind and stopped sitting on the fence, then the universe will support me. Likewise, if I stay in self-doubt or indecision, holding on or hiding the pain, the universe will support that also." This can be applied to each life situation/decision/inner or external conflict/goal.

In this case, once you make up your mind to find and apply help for you, the universe really will support you. It is true step by step we climb, but we must take that first step....we must make that decision to commit to first asking for help from where it can be most effective....and then embracing, committing, and accepting the help that is offered.

And as another poster said, it does seem the only way to really heal from an abusive childhood is to eventually get right down to the bones of the pain and forgive those who did the abusing. True forgiveness.....yes, feels against what your 'right and wrong' barometer tells you, but seems to be one of those puzzles of life that to overcome pain is very much like the stages of understand it, embrace it, accept it, forgive it.....and then detach from it.....a journey that is not easy, but your last post sounds like you have already stepped onto the path.

Sending you strength to stay on it and again, I agree with you.....follow your truth and perhaps not let another romance at this point distract you from your goal.....for this is a life goal to be healed at your very core.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 35
I need some advice from survivors of childhood abuse for better relationship with guys
Posted: 10/17/2009 11:17:44 PM
OP - I grew up with a violent rageaholic mother. It shaped who I was which was a doormat unable to set boundaries with people - especially men because of having no father growing up.

People who did NOT grow up with violence will never understand what you went through and will get very uncomfortable in hearing any details.
They will suggest therapy as if it's a magic bullet, or it will completely erase any bad memories.

You will never erase those memories - they are with you forever.
The fact that you have become the strong resilient person that you are - you can be proud of that.

Hating your parents does not make you a bad person - it's makes them a bad parent.

Do not feel ashamed to talk about your experiences - it was not your fault.
If it makes someone uncomfortable - tough.

Always remember - love is not supposed to hurt or make you feel bad about yourself.
You can set boundaries with kindness and not with anger like your parents did.

It is ok to have a pity party every now and then and grieve for the childhood you were cheated out of and grieve for the little girl who was not safe with the very people that were supposed to protect her.

The hardest part of relationships is trusting the other person - One of my greatest fears is ever getting into a situation where someone could abuse me and I would have a hard time getting them out of my life. I never want to be powerless like I did with my mother, or walking on eggshells, etc.
Through my 20s and 30s I thought being very compliant and submissive - not instigating, being demanding or stirring the pot would keep a relationship going. I was simply a doormat being afraid of conflict or confrontation. It wasn't till I was in my 40s that I've finally learned that it is ok to ask for more, set boundaries, and deserve to be treated with respect. Nothing less is acceptable. I have found that some men do get angry when they can't control or manipulate, but I am not afraid to confront them about it or stand my ground.

Just remember you can be a good person, set healthy boundaries, and never accept abusive behavior in a relationship.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 44
I need some advice from survivors of childhood abuse for better relationship with guys
Posted: 10/19/2009 8:04:07 AM
The last two men I had an LTR with were like night and day and it was simply how they treated me when discussing my childhood.

One of them was very compassionate, a good listener, made an effort to reassure me that my life is good now. We are still good friends even though we are not together anymore. He knew that with a bad childhood you can still be a good person.

The other got very sullen, and almost angry at me. I didn't believe that it was that bad and if I gave him an example of something my mother did, he thought something must be wrong with me for even talking about it. If I wanted to watch a dark, serious movie, he would get angry at me, and wonder why I would want to watch anything like that considering my past. He came from a very "normal" two parent family and was not a very strong person - spoiled actually. He wanted me to pretend that I had a good childhood like his. - rewriting history - denying what made me the good and caring person I am today. He was a very frightened man who used alcohol to fight his demons instead of talking about things.

OP - Look for a compassionate man who understands that a bad childhood does not make a bad or crazy person. It makes a strong person who won't repeat the mistakes of their parents.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 51
I need some advice from survivors of childhood abuse for better relationship with guys
Posted: 10/19/2009 3:00:31 PM
Look, the OP needs to seek professional treatment. Yes, she saw one shrink in the past but it didn't do much, but maybe that's because she wasn't in the right mind set to get help. You only be helped if you want to.

Maybe trying seeking help again before getting on a dating site. It's not fair to the guys to bring this kind of baggage, and you're really damaged goods until you've resolved your deep seated psychological issues. Really - just get your sh*t together.

OP - This is the dismissive, attitude lacking in any compassion I was talking about earlier. If he would have actually read your question and background he would have known better. I looked at your profile and you convey a woman with a very positive spiritual approach to life. To me someone like sexyfunnyguy, who has absolutely no understanding or compassion for someone who was not at fault for what happened? He is damaged goods.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 55
I need some advice from survivors of childhood abuse for better relationship with guys
Posted: 10/19/2009 5:15:46 PM

Missmewsic: that is your opinion and no doubt the horde of cats you live with would agree with you. But my statement was pretty spot on - despite her "spirituality" she still has problems that need to be addressed before going out in to the dating world.

Then again, after looking at your profile - I can understand that you are in the same boat as the OP. Considering that you justaposition such as hobbies as target practice and psychology along with this little tidbit of a redflag in the something about you section:


Makes one wonder - perhaps you should also include fear mongering as one of your hobbies.....

2 cats hardly makes a horde, just as knowing gun safety hardly means violent, and that bulletin I copied and pasted from another gentleman's profile because I fully agree with him. People like yourself are really quite naive. But that's ok. Maybe not fear mongering, but REALISM I will add to my hobbies.
As long as the OP is a kind and loving person and can set reasonable boundaries for herself there is no reason why she cannot date. To hide herself away and finance a shrink's new car isn't going to make her childhood into a disney film. I've met plenty of people who had a happy childhood that were practically undateable and extremely difficult people.
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