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 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 412
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.Page 10 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
1. Treat her like a woman.
2. If there is stress from the ex for her, smile and give a hug. No other support necessary, including listening to the rant. Just be affectionate, and re-direct!
3. Don't meet the child(ren) unless you are ready to make friends for life. They don't understand temporary.
4. Even if you haven't met the child(ren), if you hear of them being sick or in the hospital, it's nice to ask how they are doing, and again, give a hug to the mom. She probably suffers more than they do even if it was surgery.
5. Don't listen to bitter guys who failed to raincoat their Mr. Happy and made babies they didn't want...Not your problem!
6. View the ex as an unwanted business partner in the mom's life...just something she has to deal with, not a threat to you.
7. When you DO meet the kids, don't bring presents. Can't buy friendship or love or their respect. Just be calm and cool, and let them explore what you're about on their own.
8. When you ARE around the kids, let them see that you REALLY like their mom. And if they ask how you feel, tell them exactly that, you REALLY like their mom, because she's COOL! They will giggle, because they know this already LOL.

Yay for you for asking!!!! Good luck!
 25angeleyes
Joined: 3/8/2010
Msg: 413
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/9/2011 3:37:21 AM
repeated for the honest truth of it, thanks m_church!


Ok...
Rules for dating a single mom...
(Seriously)

1... Allow her to set the rules for meeting her kids... or not....
2... Talk to her about her kids and understand and respect her concerns about her kids...
3... Understand that sh*t happens and a date may be cancelled with NO warning...
4... Doggie Bags are sometimes your friend... a fancy restaurant meal can end up being a reheat in the nuker-wave... Get used to it, and smile and think of how much she appreciates you for making the most of it...
5... Taking her kids to McDonalds when you don't have to, means a lot more to her than taking her to some frakking foreign sounding joint just to get in her pants...
6... "How are your kids?", should be more than just small talk....
7... Smile, and look sincerely friendly when you meet the kid's father... you can always kill him later.... LOL Besides, the nicer you treat him, the more confused he will be....
8... Show up and order pizza (get an extra large or two...) She may not say anything, but knowing that there are enough leftovers to feed the kids a lunch might mean so much to her....
9... Bring over a movie(s) that you KNOW the kids would love to see....
10.. Understand that some nights she may have to deal with her Ex... understand that some of those times she will take her frustrations out on you afterwards... Get over it, she will make it up to you another day....
11.. Video games are your friends... No one will give you as much of a run for your money as a 12 year old with an xbox 360... playing Gears of War or something similar... and if her kids love playing with you, well, Hey, they're not plotting to kill you in real life.... maybe onscreen, but you can deal with that...
12.. It might take a long time before you get to stay for breakfast... suck it up...
13.. Some nights she will be a basket case, some nights she will be a mom, some nights she will be a worrier.... and some nights, if you made it through all the other nights, she will rock your world....
14.. A single mom is a complex creature... She needs you to help her grow, and flourish... and you can help, but only if you guide and help and participate, but not if you criticise, control or manage her....
15.. Last but not least... Love her...
 MsShelle776
Joined: 8/2/2011
Msg: 414
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/9/2011 1:10:00 PM
I'm a "single" mom of four daughters. I don't feel like a single mom, though, because their dad is very much involved. He does his part to support them and sees them all the time.

I have been on my own, with my daughters, for 7 years. I've never dated anyone and asked them to pay my bills, buy my daughters stuff, or anything. In fact, if I am having a hard week, financially, I don't even mention it. I figure, I'm not dating someone to support me financially, I'm looking for a companion.

And, yes, I was married to their father. We divorced for our own reasons and kept the kids out of it.

To constantly hear how "undateable" I am because I chose to have children, while married, is absurd.

The stereotypes are frustrating but in the end, not everyone is meant to be compatible.
 Silverhawk_tkn
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 415
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History
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/9/2011 2:17:43 PM

Yes, our children come first, any women who doesn't put her children first should be shot!!



....and these are the types one needs to avoid completely.

Again, if your kids come first and your potential mate comes a distant second, you should not be dating.....period!!

No one wants to be treated second class, unless of course you don't mind being a perpetual doormat for the rest of your life........

Sheesh.......
 050207mother
Joined: 7/12/2011
Msg: 416
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/9/2011 2:54:40 PM
anyone who wont date a single mom because of her kids does not want to date your butt!
 050207mother
Joined: 7/12/2011
Msg: 417
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/9/2011 3:01:25 PM
It is a package deal if a man does not want you because you have kids I DO NOT WANT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 050207mother
Joined: 7/12/2011
Msg: 418
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/9/2011 3:08:43 PM
YES He is an idiot.
 Silverhawk_tkn
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 419
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History
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/9/2011 3:22:34 PM

anyone who wont date a single mom because of her kids does not want to date your butt!


I have no problem with your kids, as long as you treat me as an equal.

If you treat me as a second class citizen, then hell yea, please stay away from my butt......glad we see eye to eye on that one.........
 Indyssidelady
Joined: 8/5/2011
Msg: 420
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/9/2011 3:43:54 PM
Couldn't have said it better myself.
 daydreamer76
Joined: 2/5/2011
Msg: 421
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/11/2011 5:29:25 AM
k unless u legally adopt the child/children,you dont have to pay support!stop trying to persuade this guy from dating a single mom!we have hard enough time trying to find a good guy who loves our kids without jerks like you lurking around assuming things!!get a life dude!!
 Silverhawk_tkn
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 423
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History
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/11/2011 9:17:39 AM

k unless u legally adopt the child/children,you dont have to pay support!


Incorrect.

Here in Canada all you have to do is co-habitate for a period of time (usually 1 yr). That is all it takes for the court to deem you a "percieved father figure". You are then liable for support. Google "paying child support for kids that are not yours"....there are tons of examples of guys paying CS for kids that are not theirs........

I date a single mom, by the way. She has 2 kids. I do NOT cohabitate with her and I made it clear why. She understands the situation. While not ideal, its the way it has to be until the laws change or until her kids turn 18.

On another note, she doesn't (and has never) treated me like a second class citizen to her kids, and I have shown the same respect with her to my son.
 missydawn74
Joined: 8/10/2011
Msg: 424
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/13/2011 11:59:49 AM
All I have to say is YOU my friend is why single MOTHERS run the other way......Just like men not all women are bad or ****heads......I understand there are women out there like that, but not all of us.......I would NEVER have a man pay for my kids (other than their dad) and I feel like this on "keeping your mouth shut" if my child is doing or saying something wrong let me know because if I don't know I can't stop the behavior......If you don't speak up about children or adults for that matter you have NO backbone......you will be treated badly by everyone.........As far as being second you are RIGHT I will always put my children first that is called being a PARENT. There is a time when your children will leave and all you have is your spouse........so sir please rethink you thoughts, just because you had one bad egg doesn't mean the whole basket is spoiled.......
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/13/2011 3:09:14 PM
I'm sure the poster is probably long gone and enjoying his new relationship with the single mom, I hope. javascript:smilie('')

I made the mistake of reading all 22 pages and not all of them are nonsense but, this is a HUGE pet peeve of mine so I felt the overwhelming urge to add my 0.2.

Men: Dating a single mother is a personal choice and you're quite entitled to it...However, I would like to point out that it is NOT necessary to bash us or to make assumptions about our circumstances or better yet, assume that if you leave we are ALL going to be on some type of government assistance which will then automatically scr*w you into paying child support for our children. Oh, please. Ever heard of alimony? That is not a single mom issue, this is entirely YOUR bad taste in choosing a potential mate! javascript:smilie('')

Single Moms:
Apparently, some or several single mothers somewhere will now think I need to be shot. I have my *hit together, my kids are balanced, secure, and happy. And, I would NEVER tell a GROWN man that I was attempting to build a partnership with, (the key word being "partnership"), that my children will always come first...WTF??? I sure as heck never told their dad that. Why would I suddenly develop that attitude now...?

General thoughts:
If I'm dating you, yes they will come first so...SUCK IT UP or don't date me. I don't care. If we are building a "partnership", then sometimes, the kids will just have to SUCK IT UP. Kids are kids, we love them but they do kid things...do you see where I'm going with this? It's like giving CHILDREN control over yours and your potential partners lives and the FAMILY unit...in a "partnership" you're creating a family. Families are about the FAMILY unit...or everyone involved suffers, and it's the children you claim to love that suffer the MOST...

NOT a chance am I am going to let the patients run the asylum...and that's what THAT is equivalent to. javascript:smilie('')

Never posted in the forums before...let the bashing begin as I've seen sharing my opinion makes me a target....
 waiting4ashootingstar
Joined: 8/1/2010
Msg: 426
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/13/2011 8:51:47 PM
Are you serious? Single mothers are nothing more then a female with responsibilities. What a prick
 waiting4ashootingstar
Joined: 8/1/2010
Msg: 427
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/13/2011 8:56:49 PM
Or a bunch of pricks
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 429
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/14/2011 2:16:09 AM

Here in Canada all you have to do is co-habitate for a period of time (usually 1 yr). That is all it takes for the court to deem you a "percieved father figure". You are then liable for support. Google "paying child support for kids that are not yours"....there are tons of examples of guys paying CS for kids that are not theirs........



Not everyone lives in Canada though, to women in the US that is an irrelevant point.
Down here in the South you would get laughed out of town for even suggesting such a thing.
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 430
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The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/14/2011 5:47:40 AM

Down here in the South you would get laughed out of town for even suggesting such a thing.


Yeah, you might want to look more into the laws of the -entire- south. Not just Florida.
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 431
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/14/2011 7:28:04 AM

Are you serious? Single mothers are nothing more then a female with responsibilities. What a prick


Not to mention with long term liabilities where 50% work full time and 50% do not suggesting one keep very clear minded or eyes wide open....to insure you do not catch the wrong side of the financial table....let alone the emotional table.
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/14/2011 12:09:09 PM
(Well, let's see if this quote thing works)

More people need to realise this...

I have hope that the sensible posts in response to this issue can generate some deeper analytical thought for those who are quick to judgment of others and slow to determine their level of responsibility for their choices but...

maybe not...
Not to mention with long term liabilities where 50% work full time and 50% do not suggesting one keep very clear minded or eyes wide open....to insure you do not catch the wrong side of the financial table....let alone the emotional table.

See my previous post: This is NOT specific to being a single parent or single mom, this should be a consideration for ANY potential partner...having said that, this is an issue specific to "single moms"...how?

Hmmm...just little ole me thinking out loud...
("table"...??? what defines that...never mind I think that's for an alternate discussion but...food for thought on personal growth...the only table I want to be on with my partner is the kitchen/coffee/dining room/picnic... ...Did I miss any tables? Oh, I did, maybe that's where I went wrong the first time, I forgot to bend over this unforeseen mental table too lmao)...

I just read your post...
I think you'll fit in here quite nicely...

Thanks for the welcome...it's appreciated.
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/14/2011 12:42:33 PM

But as I said, all in lower case...


Thanks a bunch...
 InNCsearching
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 435
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/14/2011 1:34:23 PM
Alright here's the deal. Many of you think otherwise or are totally ignorant of the "law". In canada and in the states if you act as the so called "father" then your considered the "de-facto" parent. I don't want to hear oh your wrong or not because there's many, many cases across the land having men support kids that are not theres. If not, look it up and prove me wrong. Point is it's all about money. Like my father used to say, after love is gone the only thing left is children and money...guess what mothers get from kids...money.

I don't want to hear oh i'm not like that as a woman. As if there is any money to take, you'll take it from the man. Just facts. Cannot argue 40 years of divorce court screwing a man. Again if you don't like it and want a man, change the freaking laws. And not all are like that but most are. So women would you walk down a street where they said there's a 80% chance of getting mugged, rapped or killed? probably not. again...you have a 20% chance of not being a victim of violence. What I'm saying is men know by dating a single mother not all are like that but most are and you cannot change that fact. 75% of females file for divorce...which means men go to court pay all this shit and get screwed. Same as you all walking down that violent street. you cannot ignore statistics. No matter what your emotions tell you.

Any man who has been subjected to the legal system spreads the word. No laws are not fair and states do not want taxpayer money to support children so if they can get a sucker on the line for it...they will almost any time. And what's this deal of equality? how does getting pregnant subject you to special treatment? billions of women do it. Oh my kids are special. Run into any idiot adults you cannot stand now a day? probably like 75% of people you're like...i can't stand them....well guess what they used to be these little special kids to! So that's what you're asking a man to do is walk down that crime ridden street with a 80% chance of failure and screaming kids that are not his.

Freaking grow up. know what you're asking of men and don't be so spoiled. no you're not special. almost every woman has kids and for every woman's information no we do not like other men's kids....it goes totally against our programming so be grateful we are with you!

And switch it around ladies....if you were screwed to marry a man with kids would you? i doubt it. if the laws made women on the hook for child support or alimony then the divorce rate would drop like a prom dress. And if no support or free crap, many women would not have children until they knew the man was right. Not this...he was right at the time.
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/14/2011 4:09:22 PM
^^^ Okay, somewhere in your rant, you may have made some valid point on a potential risk associated with dating a single parent...not “mom” but…”parent” I do recognize there are all different kinds of people in the world.

But, unfortunately, any valid points were lost in the other seemingly bitter thoughts about divorce in general...just my impression...


I don't want to hear oh i'm not like that as a woman. As if there is any money to take, you'll take it from the man. Just facts. Cannot argue 40 years of divorce court screwing a man.


I wrote this really long, analytical and logical response, it was awesome but also pointless…since the above quote is not FACT, it's your perception…IMHO it’s a waste of time since I cannot debate FICTION with FACTS.


Freaking grow up. know what you're asking of men and don't be so spoiled. no you're not special. almost every woman has kids and for every woman's information no we do not like other men's kids....it goes totally against our programming so be grateful we are with you!


Thankfully, when I read this, I read “I” in place of “we”…or I would never date again…

Anymore than I think anyone should lump all single mothers together, I don’t believe anyone should lump all men together moreso when it’s part of a rant that is about one’s personal beliefs.

In reality, I’d prefer to be grateful that any man who thinks like this of relationships/divorce in general or specifically when being involved with a single mom is NOT with me…

NEXT!
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/14/2011 5:42:48 PM
^^^^
Cannot debate fiction with fact...THAT did not come out right at all but I hope I made my point anyway...
 Tealwood
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 438
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/14/2011 7:42:33 PM




Not to mention with long term liabilities where 50% work full time and 50% do not suggesting one keep very clear minded or eyes wide open....to insure you do not catch the wrong side of the financial table....let alone the emotional table.



See my previous post: This is NOT specific to being a single parent or single mom, this should be a consideration for ANY potential partner...having said that, this is an issue specific to "single moms"...how?




Well trulyinternet....it is good to see you were able to follow m church and use quotes to better illustrate and illuminate your responses....we still await lizzie!!!

But you are right...It is not specific to any gender....as any single custodial parent will have the potential issues associated with children.....but if one is bored and haunts statistics...one might make the suggestion the financial liabilities are far less haunting...far less troublesome...far less potentially crippling when you realize...at least for one side...


79.5% of custodial single mothers are gainfully employed
49.8% work full time, year round
29.7% work part-time or part-year


90% of custodial single fathers are gainfully employed
71.7% work full time, year round
18.4% work part-time or part-year


http://singleparents.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=singleparents&cdn=
parenting&tm=664&gps=740_310_1916_801&f=00&
su=p284.9.336.ip_p504.1.336.ip_&tt=11&bt=0&bts=0&zu=http%3A//www.census.gov/
prod/2009pubs/p60-237.pdf

So when one is to review the potential financial liability of dating a single parent....where would you potentially be more precarious...with the group where 50% works full time...or the group where 72% in working full time....


Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support: 2007, released by the U.S. Census Bureau in November, 2009

27% of custodial single mothers and their children live in poverty
12.9% of custodial single fathers and their children live in poverty


Being a rational intelligent individual...financially speaking...we can all agree children require a level of financial responsibility!!! Now who would one suggest you are safer dating>>>> the custodial father at 13% in poverty or the custodial mother at 27%????Inquiring minds would like to know?...After all those are the facts....that you seem to have asked for?

Now.....when reviewing the potential issues and problems of dating a single custodial parent.....when the issue of child support is considered....the custodial mother is statistically safer....when the other number is considered....


Technical Analysis Paper No. 42 - U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services - Office of Income Security Policy
46.9% of non-custodial mothers totally default on support.
26.9% of non-custodial fathers totally default on support.


The non custodial father is far more likely to be honouring his financial responsibility in respect to paying his child support in terms of percentages....and wonder...wonder...the custodial father is also more likely to be honouring his financial responsibility as well based on not being in poverty...and working to provide for their children...themselves...

So....trulyinternet....those are the facts....and from that you are welcome to extrapolate your opinion....no fiction...just the facts...as supported by various Federal Agencies....


This is NOT specific to being a single parent or single mom, this should be a consideration for ANY potential partner...having said that, this is an issue specific to "single moms"...how?


I think that is debating with facts....just the facts...only the facts....
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 8/14/2011 9:49:24 PM
OMG...I love it...Thanks Tealwood, you just made my day! This response was FANTASTIC. Not quite what I was questioning but that doesn't take anything away from how awesome it was.

Okay, you combined two of my responses to two different posters, and it sounds like I offended you, for that I apologize…let me address yours first, please while I ignore your combination of my posts:

I do wish you had said you were going to do all that time consuming research tho, I could have saved you the trouble... Considering, I probably could have guessed fairly accurately how most of the above percentages would look between single moms/dads. I have not and nor will I make any argument to this. A fool I am not, I'm aware that not all single parents work and that not all single parents don't work. This automatically means, there is potentially a financial factor (which I mentioned in my response to the other poster that you confused with yours, maybe) when getting involved with some single moms. You will not see me deny that ever…kids are not cheap.

Ok, again let me apologize and accept responsibility because maybe I was so confused when I questioned your original post that I wasn't totally clear what my question actually was...(Although, I thought the smart crack about the table would have helped...)

What I was asking you was really very simple and probably doesn't require research into statistics as I didn’t ask you for FACTS on this. I highly doubt you could find any accurate ones that would impress me...

Original Question from me:
How is the risk of ending up on the wrong side of the financial or emotional table SPECIFIC to single moms? See my previous post only meant: THIS again is an issue for ANY potential partnership...any partnership carries the RISK of ending up on the wrong side of the financial or emotional table...is the risk higher to end up there with a single mom/dad? I don't know...could be...you appear to be the statistical analyst, not I.

But then again, shouldn't the potential risk calculation be more specific to the "character" of the person you choose to partner with and not because children are involved? So, again, I wonder how that is specific to single moms…

Excuse my ignorance in thinking we were debating issues SPECIFIC to single moms and not those that applied to ALL relationships.

I did mention HUGE pet peeve, right???
There ARE plenty enough issues that do specifically apply to being a single parent, I’d rather not see anyone heap issues on us that are RELATIONSHIP and/or PEOPLE specific. Honestly, you don’t think we have enough extra head aches in the dating/relationship world because we have offspring we now NEED to have ALL of potential relationship issues dumped "specifically" on us…

Seriously now…
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