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 inthroughtheoutdoor
Joined: 1/1/2011
Msg: 353
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.Page 8 of 25    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)
"or only working part time..."


Included in those stats are the many women who even though they may work part time, make a much higher income than I, and many others, do full time.

Many nurses I have worked with throughout the years worked part time AND fully supported themselves and their children on their own.

I'm not sure what the top salary for a RN is at the moment in Ontario but I believe it's around $40+/hr...by picking up two 12 hour shifts one week and three the following week - that's five 12 hour shifts per pay, which means 60 hours/14 days, which definitely puts her in the lazy no good part timers, she is still bringing in $2, 400 per pay, bringing her monthly income just shy of $5,000, not including any additional shifts she may pick up, or the night shift/weekend differential, or the percentage she gets in lieu of (full time) benefits.

As well, less hours means less travelling expenses and less daycare expenses, not to mention that it also puts her in a lower tax bracket, but most importantly, it means that she gets to have MORE time to spend at home with her children.

Not good and not rich enough for some I suppose, but for many mothers, specially those with small children and for those who work shifts, including nights and weekends where child care is next to impossible to arrange, it's good enough.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 354
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/26/2011 7:56:46 PM
I agree Tealwood, that BOTH partners should work. I know I would NEVER allow myself to be financially dependant on anyone else. I just don't see how anyone could feel fullfilled knowing they can't support themselves.

When I broke up with my daughter's father she was just a few months old. I put myself through university without any help from him (financially or otherwise) and have raised my daughter by myself for more than 10 years now. I am now working and have never relied on anyone besides myself to support my family. Although I have a cs order (for a whole $100/month) I have never actually received any cs from my child's father. I have never relied on the taxpayer to support my child either. I work, I pay all my own rent/bills, and take care of my child and the household without any help.

I CAN, and DO, support my family all by myself, the point is, I don't necessarily want to always do everything alone. I want someone, not to support me, but so that we can support each other (not just financially, but also emotionally). Everything is easier when you can work as a team with someone, rather than carry the load all your own. I accept that some men don't want to take on what they see as another man's burden, and that's their right. But I do believe that somewhere out there is a man that doesn't see it as a burden, but rather as a gift.


And I suggest that in a equal relationship...where both parties contribute financially and emotionally...the children are far more respectful...as opposed to where they might see one of then parties along for a free ride...or subsidized ride..
I agree. If a relationship is to work, BOTH parties need to give their all. Children are respectful when their parent(s) teach them to be and expect them to be. I would NEVER allow my child to be disrespectful to ANYONE, and as a result, she has only ever shown respect to the couple men I've dated that she's met. When people say the kids broke them up through their behaviour, that is COMPLETELY on the parent for ALLOWING them to disrespect others.
 kittygata
Joined: 12/20/2009
Msg: 355
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/27/2011 4:38:32 AM
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? HER KIDS WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST...WHAT?? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT?? ARE YOU THAT CHILDISH THAT YOU NEED TO COMPETE AGAINST A KID?? REALLY?? SOOOO NEGATIVE ABOUT SINGLE MUMS...WE ARENT ALIENS YOU KNOW..WE ARE SIMPLY WOMEN...EXPERIENCED AND SEXY I MIGHT ADD..AND OBVIOUSLY VERY ABLE TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY...MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOUNGER MEN ARE ATTRACTED TO US! SERIOUSLY MATE RELAX ON THE SINGLE MUM BASHING.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 356
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/27/2011 8:16:18 AM
Why do people insist their children come first? It's not a matter of ranking importance of one over another. Frankly, I see the relationship I may have with a man as of equal importance as to the relationship I have with my daughter. BOTH contribute to my happiness and wellbeing and so both are equally important. They aren't mutually exclusive either. If I'm unhappy in my relationship, my daughter can sense that and it affects our relationship, as well as if she is stressing me out, my partner would sense that. In a LTR, when the partners move in together, they are forming a family. So to state that your partner would still come second relegates them to an inferior role in the family which is ridiculous! No wonder so many men don't want to date single moms with some of the attitudes out there that many of these women are stating.

When very young, children may need a lot of attention, but that does NOT mean that the mother should neglect her man. It's not a matter of putting one above the other in importance, but of striking BALANCE in one's life and recognizing that BOTH relationships are good for the mother's wellbeing.

Kittygaga, your immature rant all in caps does not help make single moms more appealing. You bash men for not wanting to date single moms and diss them, then think they may want to date you? Give your head a shake. It's not about a man competing with the children at all; it's about him being integrated into an existing family as an EQUALLY important member of that family rather than as a second-class citizen. It's women like you who come on these forums and bash men for not wanting to date single moms WHY some men don't want to date single moms because you paint us as all as irrational whiners.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 357
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/27/2011 9:22:11 AM

Why do people insist their children come first? It's not a matter of ranking importance of one over another. Frankly, I see the relationship I may have with a man as of equal importance as to the relationship I have with my daughter. BOTH contribute to my happiness and wellbeing and so both are equally important.

I pretty much agree. I would say though that it's like apples & oranges. Just because you're also eating an orange, doesn't mean you're throwing away or dissing the apples.

And "come first"? Compared to what? They don't like the color of their shovel so one should cancel their date to console them and get a new one? Of course not.

Of course if the child is in danger they come first. Heck, the person one's dating will help the child out -- or even their neighbor's kid in said situations.

If someone has 2 kids, which one "comes first"? In the same sense, it's not like that with a relationship.

I think what people mean when they say that is, they'll want to do whatever they want to do in relation to their kid, over anything they see fit in relation to the person they're dating or in a relationship with. Which, IMO, is someone who's not ready to seriously date yet.
 nicol3y
Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 358
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/27/2011 2:24:00 PM

If someone has 2 kids, which one "comes first"? In the same sense, it's not like that with a relationship.


Precisely. There is a state of balance while parenting, which should be maintained. Would it be appropriate to fail to pay your bills and use the excuse "My kids come first"? What about repeatedly failing to show up to work? Although being a parent is one responsibility, there are others as well (like a relationship).
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 359
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/27/2011 4:28:35 PM
I hear ya in inthroughteoutdoor!

When i made the switch from a fulltime to parttime job, i was making 10-15 times more than what i earned in the fulltime job. And i had the time to spend with my kids and do things with them and enjoy the fruits of my labor. I have also been full-time stay at home Mom, and never felt for a minute that i did not contribute, nor did anyone else in my home.
 kittygata
Joined: 12/20/2009
Msg: 360
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/28/2011 3:59:21 AM
Actually Ms barefoot I was responding to what '1kindman4u' had to say about us single MUMS. So if you took the time to read what others besides yourself think, then you would understand where Im coming from. Now as for women like myself painting women like you as irrational whiners...whatever!! Seriously I as a good mother will always put my young children first before any man. Im not a desperate ugly woman that needs to worry about giving my man equal attention so that he doesnt get upset and leave me. Really....all partners can be replaced but NOT YOUR KIDS. So I guess you being an ideal single mum to date...I dont have any need in wishing you luck in finding a partner... because there must be many men just waiting for the chance to be with you.
 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 361
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/28/2011 7:54:29 AM
Actually Ms barefoot I was responding to what '1kindman4u' had to say about us single MUMS.
I am a single mother myself. Fact is, I'm tired of hearing other single mothers whine about not finding a man, putting kids first, etc.... Saying you will put your kids first does NOT make you a good mom -- it makes you an unbalanced WOMAN. I may be a mom, but that's only one aspect of myself. It is simply mentally unhealthy to wrap your entire existence up in one other person.


Seriously I as a good mother will always put my young children first before any man.
And seriously, I as a good mother recognize that my life CANNOT revolve around my child; that in able to be a good mother and a good role model for my child, I have to show her how to live a well-balanced life. It's not a matter of putting a man ahead of your children, but of recognizing and nurturing ALL aspects of yourself, including your needs as a woman.


Im not a desperate ugly woman that needs to worry about giving my man equal attention so that he doesnt get upset and leave me.
Neither am I, but I do recognize that ANY relationship (be it parental, friendship, or love) needs to be nurtured otherwise it withers and dies. How long would you stay friends with someone who never has any time to talk to you or spend time with you? If you have a romantic relationship with someone, you can't treat it as a friendship or take it for granted, because it will only breed discontent. What you seem to not understand is it's not a matter of HOW MUCH attention you pay, but the QUALITY of attention that is paid. Saying my relationship is equally important to me does not mean I ignore my daughter's needs, it means I make time to attend to my own and my partner's needs. To me, there is NO excuse to not find time to spend with each other 1-on-1. I work full-time, I take care of the house on my own, I raise my child on my own....sometimes this means I may not have the ability to drop everything and run out to attend to my man's needs, but I damn well will try to find time wherever and whenever I can because my identity is not just "mom".


Really....all partners can be replaced but NOT YOUR KIDS. So I guess you being an ideal single mum to date...I dont have any need in wishing you luck in finding a partner... because there must be many men just waiting for the chance to be with you.
Perhaps your attitude that a man can "just be replaced" is why you're here. NO ONE wants to feel that they aren't special. How would you feel if a man treated you like that? Finding a man is not a matter of replacing my child, it's a matter of nurturing my wellbeing so that I have a life THAT DOESN'T REVOLVE around my child. How fair is it to your children to place your reason for being on them? Fact is, kids grow up quickly, and then when they are out of the house, do you want to be old and alone? I know I don't. I want someone to share my life with, and I want someone to share the joys (and sometimes sorrows) of raising my child (and perhaps theirs, and perhaps ours) with. To me, it's not a matter of finding A guy, it's a matter of finding THE guy I want to do it with. You see, I don't see people as "replaceable".

I never said I am an ideal single mom at all...but what I am saying is it's women like you WHY men tend to shy away from us because they think we are all whiney martyrs like yourself. I am not an ideal mother or even an ideal woman at all, I am just me and want a man who accepts it. Fact is, I don't need many men "waiting for the chance to be with me", I just need ONE man, the RIGHT man for the job. I am single right now because of circumstance (having broken up with my ex) and choice (I chose not to date while my child was young and I was putting myself through school because I didn't have the time to nurture a relationship). Now that I have been dating again in the last couple years, I just trying to find one man who I can see in my future. It hasn't happened yet, but I have no doubts it will because when it does I will nurture that relationship and value it as equal to mine with my daughter because I recognize that that is what well-rounded PEOPLE do.

Fact is, no man wants to be with a mother, he wants to be with a WOMAN. Being a mother is only one aspect of your life, you have also been a daughter, a friend, perhaps a sister, etc.... It is simply unhealthy to forsake all aspects of your life for one aspect. If your identity is so wrapped up in your children, what will happen to you when they are grown, or heaven forbid, if something happens to them? Your children come first? Personally, however much I love my daughter and know her needs are taken care of, I recognize that ultimately I have to come first, because otherwise I'm no good for her. How can you expect to teach your children to be well-rounded adults when you aren't one yourself?
 MandaRae21
Joined: 6/12/2011
Msg: 362
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/28/2011 8:24:27 AM

The thing is, if you're going to make a man part of your life, you have to make it clear that you're both on the same page... Otherwise, the kids will play off one against the other...
I would never date another women who won't eventually accept the guy has to fulfill a parental role eventually...


very good point. If you were living together then you should have had some ability of discipline. Living together means a serious relationship meaning you are joining your lives together. If the woman didn't want to give you a form of discipline and get you to be more in their lives then she doesn't belong in a serious relationship.
 Skotch
Joined: 5/12/2010
Msg: 363
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History
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/28/2011 9:25:01 AM
I think the point of the "putting the kids first" comment is a quick response to the "needy guys" forum. I'd hope that when they say putting kids first, would be about the same as "I have my own life that I'm not going to drop at a moment's notice to obey your slightest whim."

I asked a gal out the other day and she mentioned that Sunday she told her kids they were going to do something fun. This is what it means that the kids come first and completely understandable. I know if you look at it extremely technically, its not really putting them first, but even I'm not that anal that I can't read into the comment enough to realize what it means.

It is somewhat funny that gals put it on their profile, just like putting they don't like players, cheats, liars, etc when from what I've heard it doesn't help filter out the players, cheaters, liars, etc. Of course I should understand that if your babysitter doesn't show you can't go out. Any dumbshit should realize that, you don't need to put it in your profile unless it does filter out the dumbshits (?).
 MandaRae21
Joined: 6/12/2011
Msg: 364
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/29/2011 6:34:00 AM

Some of these single moms need to face the fact that they got pregnant with a man who made no committment to a long term life with them...... and stop using the kids as the pawn for their bitterness and as leverage for emotional blackmail.


I agree and I hope when people read this they notice that you said SOME OF THESE SINGLE MOMS NOT ALL
My sons father is not even close to being in the picture and he's made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with him. Yes it upsets me because my son should have the ability to know his father, but that's life. You never know what you're going to get and so you just need to take it and ride with it. You can't force a person to change any more than you can force a person to love you. So the last guy you were with was cruel and mean, doesn't mean all of them will be. Then again, it also all depends on the single mom and if she's actually emotionally and mentally ready to be in a relationship. If she's not ready to share her WHOLE life with someone she's going to be moving in with then she's not ready for a commitment outside of her children.
I believe even with married couples you have to give both the relationship and your children 50/50 otherwise the relationship will wither and die and TRUST ME from experience the children ALWAYS know that parents are unhappy with each other.
 nienna80
Joined: 4/5/2010
Msg: 367
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The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/29/2011 12:40:41 PM
8soldierfalcon8

I find your posts utterly disgusting. I am a single mum.

I was in a long term relationship, we both worked, me as a nurse, he was in construction.

We had a lovely home in surrey and planned the pregnancy, when I fell pregnant he took on more work, went abroad to work where he had an accident and died.

Exactly how is this "ignorance"? My world turned upside down and all I have of the life we shared is our beautiful little girl.

I run up against this attitude everyway I turn, I just hope nothing like this ever befalls you.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 369
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/29/2011 11:25:19 PM
When i hear "put my kids first", i dont always think that the person has no time or inclination for a partner.

I put my kids first, their health and well-being is of utmost importance to me.
I do have other facets to my life, and my identity is not JUST Mom.
I spend a good portion of my time raising, guiding and supervising them, i spend a good deal of money to make sure they live in a nice home, have good meals daily, have clothing toys, educational materials, and entertainment. To me, that is putting them first. I would never leave them to be neglected or harmed.
I do things i dont really enjoy per-se, for example i hate being up at 7 am, but i do so they can have a home cooked breakfast and to drive them to school, i hate field trips with a passion, but i suck it up and go because they love having me there. I hate PTA and parent advisory council with a passion, but i still donate my time and skills because i believe i should be activelty involved with their schooling and the quality of the school district. I would love to go to NYC for my next trip, but it will be Disney for the umpteenth time so the kids can enjoy it. It would be over my dead body that i would let someone hurt my children. To me, that is putting kids first.

And i still have found time to date, have a happy loving marriage, and find the person that i want to grow old with.

When i think of someone who does NOT put their kids first, i think of the badbreeders website, or women who are out drunk and partying all the time without a damn care to raising their kids.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 370
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/30/2011 10:57:02 AM

(garvey14) ... so know you will always be second in her life. As it should be. If your ego can handle it go ahead and date a single mom. They are well worth it.


After you stop being so whipped, I challenge you to find ONE person who will be fine with being eternal second in their SO's life. I am completely confident that you will not be able to find ONE such person. So, stop making silly arguments about "ego" and such tripe.

Arlo...

(Cripes, I was only gone for a week!!!)
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 371
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/30/2011 11:03:17 AM
(kittygata) ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? HER KIDS WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST...WHAT?? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT?? ARE YOU THAT CHILDISH THAT YOU NEED TO COMPETE AGAINST A KID?? REALLY?? SOOOO NEGATIVE ABOUT SINGLE MUMS...WE ARENT ALIENS YOU KNOW..WE ARE SIMPLY WOMEN...EXPERIENCED AND SEXY I MIGHT ADD..AND OBVIOUSLY VERY ABLE TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY...MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOUNGER MEN ARE ATTRACTED TO US! SERIOUSLY MATE RELAX ON THE SINGLE MUM BASHING.


If all y'all are "simply women", then (some) of you might wanna start acting like it, and realizing that NO ONE wants to be CONSTANTLY reminded that s/he's second place, always will be, forever and ever, amen. We GET that your kids are of stellar importance to you -- do you think that we're so stupid we don't realize it? Some guys are good with it, some not so much. Instead of venting at the ones who aren't keen on single moms (you'll NEVER convince a single one of 'em to change his mind), why not put that energy into finding a guy who IS okay with it? Oh, and turn off the CAPS-LOCK: it looks like you're shouting...

Arlo...
 Silverhawk_tkn
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 372
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The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/30/2011 5:15:28 PM

Seriously I as a good mother will always put my young children first before any man.


...yup, I hear this one loud and clear from many single moms out there.......and it is an instant turn off. So much so that I pointed it out in my profile......

There is NO way I want to feel inferior to her kids in a relationship. I will be putting HER first, I expect she do the same for me. As parents, we have responsibilities to our kids for sure - that is not in dispute, and there are times that require you to service those responsibilities. HOWEVER, I'm not going to compete with kids for her time. If she decides she needs to be with them over me, then so be it. I won't stick around, and I appreciate those that come out and say this, because it saves me wasting time on the dating process........

If your kids come first, you have NO business dating......period!!

That goes for both men and women.
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 373
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/30/2011 8:41:22 PM
www.badbreeders.net

There is a slew of women and men on the above listed webiste that refuse to put their kids first. I am sure some of them might make lovely dates and/or partners.
I bet that chick who left her unsupervised toddlers to die in a housefire is smokin hot (no pun intended).
 Silverhawk_tkn
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 374
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History
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/30/2011 9:05:54 PM

Even in a marriage the kids come first - you always sacrifice for the benefit of the kids.


This was one of the prime reasons my marriage failed. I lost touch with the person that actually created my kids, and I sacrificed quality time and special moments with my wife for the sake of my son, and it cost me. I won't make that same mistake twice........

Like I said, the relationship with my mate has to have a significant priority, otherwise it will fade......


You are unreasonable.


Maybe in your mind I am, but to me, I know what I want, and I stick to it. I refuse to be a doormat.

I found a great lady that understands this and we get along just fine. Of course, both her and I need to spend time with our respective kids to ensure "they get tucked into bed" or need homework done - its not like we ignore their needs. But I assure you, we are both high on each other's priority list and don't let our kids rule how time is spent...........

I think you'd get along quite nicely with the lady that yelled out her response a page back. Sounds like you're confident you won't lose your manhood with her kids........you can thank me for the matchup later.......
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 375
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/30/2011 9:16:46 PM

This was one of the prime reasons my marriage failed


Plainly, I'd say that the root cause was a lack of balance....that seems to still be lacking.

Yanno, it's great to say the S/O should be the focus...yet, in theory, they are adults and, in theory, can cope....it's the little ones that suffer when they're continually placed in the back of the bus....and shame on those who cannot see the logic in this.
 Silverhawk_tkn
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 376
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The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 6/30/2011 10:02:51 PM

a lack of balance....that seems to still be lacking


Thats purely a subjective observation. What is unbalanced to you may not be to someone else and vise versa. To each their own for sure.

I found what I was looking for and both my son and her kids certainly don't suffer. We all seem to be a happy bunch.

If "balance" to some means accepting the fact that you'll continually come in second, third, or forth in a relationship, then so be it too.....I'm sure many single moms would welcome that!

I simply don't find coming in continually second, third or fourth a suitable balance for me, though.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 378
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 7/1/2011 7:46:37 PM

(My I) Even in a marriage the kids come first


No kidding. But, "kids coming first", is significantly different than "letting kids run the household, and making sure the little darlings never hear the word no". It's also considerably different than, "reminding my prospective dates constantly that they'll be perpetual also-rans, no matter how hard they try". You and silverhawk don't agree on basic definitions, so it's nothing more than a "TASTES GREAT/LESS FILLING!" screaming match right now...

Arlo...
 nicol3y
Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 379
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 7/3/2011 2:51:11 PM

This was one of the prime reasons my marriage failed.

Apparently, there were other reasons your marriage failed. Perhaps you should focus on those instead of how you made your son top priority.
 Silverhawk_tkn
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 380
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History
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 7/3/2011 6:35:41 PM

Apparently, there were other reasons your marriage failed. Perhaps you should focus on those instead of how you made your son top priority.


...absolutely!! Indeed, there were other reasons, ranging from minor incompatibilities, general unhappiness, and differences in financial planning.

I realized after a year or two after she left, that I was much, much happier without her.

I reflected on some of the issues we had (including the imbalance in the family heirarchy) and made some necessary changes, as well as dated around ALOT after we got divorced and also realized I was attracted to the wrong type of lady........I was always going for the strong willed, independent type (which my ex was) while in reality, I needed someone more passive to match up with my "Alpha male" tendancies.

I fixed my picker, made some attitude changes, got physically fit, and gradually focused on making "me" better. I changed the things I could, and didn't sweat the things I couldn't.......

....so yea, there were many other reasons........

All I can say is that I'm happier now than I ever was in my marriage, and POF actually helped me get there!!
 pinkprincess1984
Joined: 1/24/2009
Msg: 381
The unoffical rules of dating a single mother.
Posted: 7/3/2011 9:25:19 PM
thats an awesome guide!!
Even tho that sounds like a lot of time with the kids...
there are more nights of just the 2 of you ahead!
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