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Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 28
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And what was your part in it? Page 5 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Wow...some really great posts on here...

I'd have to say youth, when thinking about my boys' dad. I was young, and stupid, and thought that I could "make things" right. I should have gotten out of there years before I did. I wonder, what would life have been like, had I done that? But once I was in...I felt stuck. 20 years old and a baby in your arms can do that, no matter how mature or how much life you've already handled. I often say - when people talk about someone and say, why doesn't she leave? - that people leave when they reach the point where they feel they can leave. Emotional and physical abuse, especially by someone who was trained to use mind control, can really make you lose yourself. For years I knew I didn't love him, in fact I sometimes hated him...and yet in the end, I felt sorry for him. I was the love of his life. Somehow it felt like that tied me to him, maybe even more than the kids did...but that was the best he could do. Very sad. It actually makes me laugh - I stayed with him for 14 years - longer than most marriages - while proclaiming that I'd never marry anyone...LOL...silly me. Life is too short to waste time on someone you shouldn't be with...but in the years since, I've come to think that I was supposed to be learn. Lessons of the soul hurt, a lot...growth hurts...but in the end, I've come to be thankful for it all, my life, the good times and the bad - and to forgive. People often hurt others out of their own pain.
Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 29
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 7:14:39 AM
I guess it all boiled down to not knowing myself and looking for validation through a relationship. After successive failed relationships I sought help from some professionals and they introduced me to something called "Co-Dependency".

That sure turned on a few lights!

Suffice it to say that I do accept responsibility for my failures as I am always the common denominator.

I do want to say that I am pretty glad I made the mistakes I made because two of them live with me and bring me a joy no one else but a parent could understand.

Out of the ashes....

Oh... and Rock. Good thread brother!
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 35
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 7:53:15 AM
Ah, grasshooper [sic], that sounds wise on the surface, but it is riddled with problems.

People DO judge themselves--that is apparent. We consistently judge our views and our actions, and most find them acceptable in THEIR eyes. This is based on not only their internal lawyer, but the cultural, religious, and political mores of the society in which they live.

For instance, a bigot who lives in a society that sanctions bigotry will see nothing wrong with prejudice. In my judgment, bigotry is wrong, but they have judged it to be ethically acceptable.

Of course people should take responsibility--whether it is the passing of a relationship or in other matters, but we have not only have built in modes of coping that breed denial, we live in a world that increasingly shirks responsibility.
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 38
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 9:25:16 AM

I didn’t speak my truth, my truth, not theirs, not the worlds. When I was hurt, I didn’t speak, when I felt vulnerable, I didn’t speak, I hid. I didn’t humbly ask for what I wanted, I didn’t say what I didn’t want. Instead, I manipulated.

Very good! Me, too.
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 9:32:52 AM
Lack of understanding.

I did not understand that he thinks differently than I do. I did not understand that what he wanted out of a relationship was different that what I thought I needed. I did not understand that he needed "quiet time".

I let myself go while focusing on my issues instead of fostering our relationship. I encouraged him to get a night job so we didn't have to pay for childcare then I blamed him for my being almost a single parent. I tried to mold him into who I wanted him to be instead of allowing him to be himself and accepting him for who he is.

Essentially, I did not understand that a relationship is about two people coming together to share a life, not about getting needs met. I wanted him to make me happy instead of looking within.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 42
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And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 10:03:11 AM
Lemme see, I was young, so I was at that stage when my mind said in for a penny, in for a pound. By the time I figured out I should walk away, I was way too invested in the relationship to do so. I knew he had issues, probably should have known I had issues. Pushed for him to get counseling but then backed off when scheduling and money issues cropped up. If I had insisted and he had gotten counseling then and been diagnosed as bipolar, the marriage might have had a snowball's chance in hell.

Essentially, even though there were many things I didn't realize until we were married, I also knew when I walked down the aisle that it probably wasn't the brightest move of my life, biological clock ticking influenced that to a degree.

I think I was also surrounded by people that were primarily my own age and also had that I have invested x amount of time and feeling into the relationship and walking away didn't seem like a great option. I had no one to tell me that loving someone was not enough and I believed that much of his behavior was reaction to situations that could be dealt with, not that they were signs of underlying personality flaws. So I commenced upon trying to fix everything.

I pretty much exhausted myself trying to be the perfect wife and mother with someone who didn't try to be a husband or a father. It was a lonely existence from which I learned a great deal and have three great kids whom I would like to off on a regular basis because they are teens. The relationship taught me to pay attention to what someone says and does, not one or the other.

My biggest contribution to the demise was choosing someone I should never have been with.
Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 45
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 10:24:30 AM

If you want a BJ before work great

This belongs in the real woman thread!
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 50
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And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 1:05:25 PM
I'm pretty easy to figure out. Just peruse my profile and it is a judgment on who I am as a person. I know and understand my flaws and why relationships don't work for me. I am unapologetic for who I am and have no interest in changing. I have accomplished what I hoped to accomplish from partaking in a serious romantic relationship - I'm a dad - and now I have my focus where it needs to be - on my child and myself.

It's a lot easier to be a prick when you have accepted that you are one.
Joined: 5/22/2008
Msg: 54
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 1:52:51 PM
that's just the way it works out sometimes, can't blame or be blamed
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 56
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And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:26:59 PM
I argued my point when I should have listened. I learned being right isn't nearly as important as what is right for a couple.

I shut up and shut down when I should have talked. I learned that being vulnerable and expressing pain, fears, hurt, etc. isn't weak but that hiding them is.

I thought I trusted too much when I didn't trust enough. I learned to trust myself more.

I created the environment I thought I wanted and then ended up hating it. I learned that I don't always have to be in control.. the world doesn't stop if I share the helm.

I placed unrealistic expectations on others and them blamed them for being unable to meet them. This one is trickier. I swung to the other end and then had zero expectations of others.. which isn't healthy either. I'm still striving to find balance in this. The key, I think, is to share these expectations and decide together what is healthy and what is unrealistic.

It's all a work in progress. I can take what I've learned to help be a better partner in the future but that doesn't mean that I don't occasionally go back to the things that feel most comfortable from time to time. That is when it's time to be the most honest with myself and with others.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 58
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:31:37 PM
For starters, I was an a ss hole. Full of pride. I will not change. This is the way I am. Take it or live it.

Like others here. And being the typical guy, I am not the best at cleaning, while my gf is into keeping a place that is immaculate. Unfortunately, she does have other issues, particularly about priorities. For instance, when we could spend time together, she would want to clean. Truth be told both of us carried a lot of other issues into the relationship. My main problem according to her was my inability to open up. I even had to sent her connections to what I post here in the forums. She said, I already know that side of you. But we began to get distant. But with each touch of distance, with each sense of being ignored, I pulled further away and away. So we began a roller-coaster of arguments that dwelled from the mundane to the profound. We no longer knew each other, other than know what thing to pull, what lever to push and destroy. When she developed cancer, she would go through bouts of being very emotional, very fatalistic, to very romantic, very caring. Even before the diagnosis, she would withdraw and sleep and not want to communicate. But it wore me out emotionally. I became very irritated by her distance. But I realized after the diagnosis that I needed to be more involved and I did, but one major mistake was that every fight we had, and made up. We made up by having passionate sex, yet never resolved the issues. The sense of future between us was destroyed and it was my fault, the inability or initiative to try to repair it. My inability to see that I also needed, if not change, grow.

When she went into the darkest recesses of Chemo, a real hell in earth, where you question whether you will live again, love again, be complete again, the core that needed to feel nurtured, loved, full of future was absent. So she panicked and in the fog, all her past fears, from previous relationships, who knows maybe going back to her mother and father, transformed her into a strange beast. So she left me.

I had failed to understand that love requires to put your pride aside and sometimes the most loving act is to help someone fold towels. I had failed to give unconditionally, yes, unconditionally because even in my giving, she felt there were conditions, demands, expectations.

What I learned was that I can put all the blame I want on her, but in the end it took two people to destroy an awesome relationship and that only what I can try to change will make a difference. It is the ME issues that need resolved. And now we are communicating again. Out of the fog and the abyss that Chemo sends you. So as crazy as it may be, there's hope. Great hope.
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 60
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:55:28 PM

And thats why a thread like this doesn't get as many replies as who should pay for coffee. Because this one is about looking at yourself and not others!

But no shet though, a room full of "look at me's" suddenly gets quiet when they are given the stage..

Actually, Mr. Rock, I am very introspective and long ago realized and accepted my part in the responsibility for why my marriage ended. Not only that, I realized that I (and everyone) always have a choice when faced with decisions in my life. If I allow others to influence my choice, then that was my choice.

You seem to misunderstand what I was saying in my earlier post, which doesn't surprise me because people in these forums often misunderstand the intent of what I say--despite the fact that I write clearly and succinctly.

The OP began with a general statement about people--I responded with a general statement about people. So shoot me if my post didn't live up to your judgments and standards.
Joined: 10/2/2009
Msg: 63
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And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 4:38:29 PM
Another one and this was from a long time ago. I didn't ask her what she wanted. I didn't ask her what made her feel good. I didn't take her feelings into consideration. I didn't ask her where she wanted to go.

She was good enough when she broke up and sit down and explain it to me so I could understand and I got what she was saying. I got it and didn't make that mistake again and learned to put the woman first and still have time for my friends and my hobbies. I am thankful to this day for that relationship and what I learned.
Joined: 3/11/2009
Msg: 72
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:01:34 AM
My heart wasn't willing to go to the level hers was at.
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 73
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And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:05:07 AM
Soxfan, I have read your post, and it has a personal ring to it...

I TOO was diagnosed with bipolar, however not until I was in my late 30, had my first manic episode at 40...

Over thinking is not so much bi polar, as more of a way our brains function... It can be exhausting to people who don't think much, under think, or just want the directions in simple words...

If you are on meds, tough road, but can make life a little easier... My personal experience is that usually people who are LABELED bi polar have a few other things that wreck havoc on their being, which is the underlying issue that has to dug out...

For me I was abused to horrific levels as a kid, and then as an adult had to undo these things...

Depending on how long "bi polar" has been part of your life, will depend on what other personality ticks you can develop...

One helpful form of therapy is DBT, generally a treatment for borderline personality, however people who are sensitives, can be ruled by their emotions, and react, instead of acting...

When I learned to combine logic with emotion, and that one was as equally important as the other, life really got a lot easier...

It IS a lot of work having bi polar, however there are things about being bi polar that only another bi polar can understand, and smile and say isn't it the darnedest thing how the brain can work like that? Or if they could bottle the bi polar energy, and creativity, illegal drugs would be a thing of the past...

Don't give up... There are a LOT of different things you can do, and since you are still in a relatively NEW diagnoses stage, you will one day just be YOU... It is hard work, but here's the good news that most therapist don't tell you... Being NORMAL is really an illusion... It is tough just being anyone for the most part...

I know what you are going through, and all I can say is hang in there, it does get better as you learn to harness this THING that they label, and make it seem so tragic... It has its harsh side, but once a person learns how to control at least part of it... Life can be an illusional normal..

Rockman, I think this thread has gotten a whole lot of open honesty, WHICH for a change has had very little back bitting, or the need to analyze what a dillweed someone was for their choices...

THIS has been a great experience for a lot of us, simply because seldom do most people want to put themselves up for judgment by others...

I have seen the regular crowd including myself open up to what we did wrong, even if it doesn't seem like FULL disclosure... Such as the simple statements I dated the person...

That is a start, and if that is as far as a person can go to acknowledge their part, well ok so be it...

I am VERY impressed with how openly vulnerable people have been in opening up their lives to the forums, which are so notorious for vicious attacks and insults...

For some it is very hard to admit they made errors, for others they are way to willing to take all of the blame... I used to be the later, which was not much better than someone who takes no responsibility...

Thanks for the thread, and the insight at the moment you started this post, to hope for people to be vulnerable...

Daddy Jinx
Then on the other hand, to see so many fall back on the "I didn't choose right" and "I didn't leave soon enough" yadda yadda was just lame. Another classic example of people that refuse to admit any wrong doing, and LOVE playing the victim card a little too much.

Your post of openness was one of those oh wow, who would a thunk... However I would ask that you consider giving those who said the I didn't leave soon enough a break... It is a start, and sometimes people have to start some where...

To me this is a thread that plants the seeds for some, to open their minds as to WHAT THEY DID, instead of what the other person did....

I was in an extremely abusive relationship... I stayed way to long, and thought that if I jumped enough hoops somehow I could fix his pain... What I learned about me was that the dark mean mouthed side of him was something I had a good bit of in my first marriage...

I never fully blamed my ex for our marriage not working, HOWEVER I didn't realize just how HORRIBLE my holding back and holding back until I exploded was... My ex was a runner, and hid at the strip clubs and bars... He had his times of being a super freak, but dang I could hack a person to shreds and didn't realize it... THAT IS until I experienced it first hand...

Sometimes we need a place to start... I admitted and took blame at first in ALL THE WRONG places... However because of what I went through, I am NOT a yeller, nor do I engage in insane exchanges of manipulative abusive BS...
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 74
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 6:27:59 AM

Daddy Jinx
Then on the other hand, to see so many fall back on the "I didn't choose right" and "I didn't leave soon enough" yadda yadda was just lame. Another classic example of people that refuse to admit any wrong doing, and LOVE playing the victim card a little too much.

Your post of openness was one of those oh wow, who would a thunk... However I would ask that you consider giving those who said the I didn't leave soon enough a break... It is a start, and sometimes people have to start some where...

I am going to agree here with Nextthime. But also I was very moved by BigDaddy Jinx post. Wow.

But I have to say this. I wasn't ready to open myself to my faults and what I did wrong until I hit rock bottom, until from under the rubble of my own anger I began to listen, I began to think, and I began to look at the finger pointing and realized that three other fingers were pointing at myself. That is a huge realization. And it can only happen inside. I cannot tell anyone to change. It will never happen. It has to happen from within.

So yes we hear some of the same yadda, yadda, but the fact that they are reading, next time they look in the mirror they will look deeper, they will look at their own explanations and a voice from within will say "Really?" And ask the questions that need to be answer. That is if they are lucky, because if they don't, and this I read in several books and they say "you will take the same problems into the next relationship."
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 78
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 9:37:44 AM
Lying to my face and me taking it all along knowing the truth and not standing up for myself because his lies had beat me down and I so wanted to believe he loved me.

Being desperate and wanting to fix the men in the two most important relationships to me and falling in love with two men who were broken.

Failing to recognize my need to fix these guys and blowing off the really good guys who were so good for me and loved me for me.

Putting up with absolute crap and convincing myself this is the best I could do.

My fault. Totally my fault. I own my actions in both of these relationships. I was not strong enough to walk away.

I allowed both of them to do something very ugly to me and they got away with it and I retreated back to my cave.
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 88
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And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 11:44:38 AM

if I want "confession" I'll visit my local priest.

Oh but it's so much easier when shopping for a shipwreck to have them all lined up in one place.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 91
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:15:16 PM

I always said 'let's wait until we're married' because I thought that that was what 'ladies' wanted.

Don't do it because you thought it what the ladies want. Do it or not do it at all because it is what you want. And if it's not, find what you want and do that.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 94
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:05:40 PM

I think he's saying that anyone who has answered your question is a "shipwreck" and now, one only needs to visit this thread to find us.

I disagree with this. Speaking of your own faults, and that is if done in an honest way, is in my book liberating. It says that we are also human and that through that pain, something better will come about. The shipwreck is the wake up call. Just remember Pearl Harbor.
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 97
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And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:23:28 PM
Great to see you Silkenfire

One of us isn't reading msg. 120 right OP. I think he's saying that anyone who has answered your question is a "shipwreck" and now, one only needs to visit this thread to find us.

It's a great example of why people don't line up to talk about what their part in it was here on the forums. Yes????

I have noticed that it still is easy for some to poke fun, insult, and delight in the fact that others have the balz to say this is what I did wrong... Some how it makes them stand out and look better...

Here is reality, humans come with baggage of all different types, being in denial that they have NEVER made a mistake, a poor choice, or what ever, is to continue the same mistakes over and over, YET never getting why things always come out the same...

As stated, I am impressed with the honesty of others, because they at least are willing to say this is what I did, and it didn't help...

To the poster who said sometimes it isn't two people who caused the demise, I kind of agree. In the since that some people will try and try and try simply because giving up was not considered an option...

Reality, there is NO reward in being a martyr when it comes to staying in a crappy relationship... We can say we are doing it for the kids, but what have we taught kids???

I can tell you what my mothers martyring got her.... Three kids that had no clue how to deal with a healthy relationship... We each handled things differently, and I took the miss fixit, doormat route...

Rock I do believe that planted seeds don't always need to be revisited by the same question, but rather a realization that things are the same over and over... That SOME will take pause and really want to know WHY... Some NEVER will, my dad is that guy, he's 74, and the most miserable person I can really think I ever met...

However it is everybody elses fault he's miserable, and that his life was a disappointment...

The hell he wrecked on others is a mystery to him, because he NEVER does anything wrong...

WELL until one day when I was 39, and he started his nasty abusive BS, and I let him have with both guns blazing... NOT A PROUD MOMENT, however since that time my father has NEVER said an ill word to me, and or about me to my face...

It took that long to let go of all the BS and abuse, and I told him sorry, I don't believe in disrespecting another person in that way in their own house, BUT DAMN, didn't I learn from the best...

He was at a loss...

ME, I got done locating abusive men, I took care of defending myself to the person who inflicted some of the MOST damage....

Self analyzation isn't easy for a lot of people, because they my have to admit they aren't always the best person they can be...

I'm NOT a shipwreck, just someone that grew up, and figured out what I brought to the table that was/is destructive... If that is a bad thing, then damn, I'd had to see what is really a terrible thing...

Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 110
view profile
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/23/2009 12:36:49 PM
I was availabe and in it for a relationship, she was in it for a weekend romp, and not serious, a fwb.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 113
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And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/23/2009 7:07:58 PM
Yanno Rock, I've written several replies to this thread and deleted them all. It's not like I have any difficulty owning my part in it. Heck, I even posted about it in the similar thread myblueshadow started a year or so ago (I do miss her around here). I think I'm done with it. I've integrated the lessons from my failings well enough that turning them over in my mind seemingly has no resonance for me. But here goes another kick at it. (just in case)

Every relationship, as far as I can tell, has an unwritten, non-verbalized (and sometimes even unacknowledged) contract that outlines "the way we do things". My role as a giver was to make things work, to see reason and be wise enough to keep an even keel. It's a role I have repeated in virtually all of my relationships, I'm good at it, it comes easily and naturally to me. It also has a dark side.

Now, where things derailed in one relationship was when I had taken on too much, things were way out of balance as I was now managing his life and he, quite rightly, was resenting me for it. What started out with good intentions on my part and delight on his had morphed into a weapon we had turned on each other. Giving is not always the gift you think it should be; sometimes it's more of a gift to allow them to figure it out on their own. I wasn't mature enough at that point to trust that. It's hard to redefine the dynamic when you've got it so out of whack, and so we rode out the trajectory to crash and burn.

In another relationship, my SO was about to commit career suicide in an especially immature way (I'd bet a thousand bucks I'd even get agreement on the forums about that one, lol). We had a huge fight about it and I forced my SO to do the right thing. Oh, I was *right* about the situation, but completely wrong in how I went about it. In my impatience, I showed contempt and disgust and shredded my SO's dignity. I ought to have handled it a different way, really. I was tired of doing the heavy lifting and no longer willing to fulfill that relationship contract we had. No longer willing about sums it up. Once you have contempt for the other person, it is over but for the saying of it, isn't it?

Funny how clear the sound of a relationship breaking; how loud the silence is.

And when the dust settled, I was still unwilling to make it right. Oh, I knew what needed to be said and done; I'm the 'make it right' gal after all. I even knew that I owed an apology. One wasn't asked for, and wouldn't be, but I knew I was out of line as a human being. So I folded my tent, dwelled in the cocoon of my resentment and thought "just leave the azzhole out in the cold for a while and see what happens". What happened was an affair of course. Voids get filled.
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 114
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/23/2009 7:37:10 PM

And what was your part in it?

Settling.................a great man and person, but I didn't connect with him on all levels (something was lacking for me). However, since he was a great man/catch, I settled. Only to realize that nothing was going to change how I felt.

Now taking a personal inventory and taking one day at a time..............
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 115
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/23/2009 7:55:28 PM

One is not truly mature untill they stop being their own attorney and start being their own judge. did I miss such a provocative thread?

Alright Op. You ask for honest disclosure...I will disclose...

I kept a tallying sheet. I wanted to be sure, that I did not do more, spend more, love more, understand more, give more, than what my partner did.

And in the face of such scrutinization, they would usually fail.

Somehow, in some way, they would fail to meet my expectations, and I would punish them for doing so.

I would fail to see the gifts that they offered, until it was too late.

I sometimes would agree with whatever they said, even though I disagreed with what they said.

I would dumb down my intelligence, in order to make them feel "superior".

I have also argued vehemently, over minuscule things.

I cling to higher ideals, although, even a ladder cannot help me climb up.

I am so not perfect. The challenge comes, when I expect, the other person to see things exactly as I do...
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