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Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 113
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And what was your part in it? Page 7 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Yanno Rock, I've written several replies to this thread and deleted them all. It's not like I have any difficulty owning my part in it. Heck, I even posted about it in the similar thread myblueshadow started a year or so ago (I do miss her around here). I think I'm done with it. I've integrated the lessons from my failings well enough that turning them over in my mind seemingly has no resonance for me. But here goes another kick at it. (just in case)

Every relationship, as far as I can tell, has an unwritten, non-verbalized (and sometimes even unacknowledged) contract that outlines "the way we do things". My role as a giver was to make things work, to see reason and be wise enough to keep an even keel. It's a role I have repeated in virtually all of my relationships, I'm good at it, it comes easily and naturally to me. It also has a dark side.

Now, where things derailed in one relationship was when I had taken on too much, things were way out of balance as I was now managing his life and he, quite rightly, was resenting me for it. What started out with good intentions on my part and delight on his had morphed into a weapon we had turned on each other. Giving is not always the gift you think it should be; sometimes it's more of a gift to allow them to figure it out on their own. I wasn't mature enough at that point to trust that. It's hard to redefine the dynamic when you've got it so out of whack, and so we rode out the trajectory to crash and burn.

In another relationship, my SO was about to commit career suicide in an especially immature way (I'd bet a thousand bucks I'd even get agreement on the forums about that one, lol). We had a huge fight about it and I forced my SO to do the right thing. Oh, I was *right* about the situation, but completely wrong in how I went about it. In my impatience, I showed contempt and disgust and shredded my SO's dignity. I ought to have handled it a different way, really. I was tired of doing the heavy lifting and no longer willing to fulfill that relationship contract we had. No longer willing about sums it up. Once you have contempt for the other person, it is over but for the saying of it, isn't it?

Funny how clear the sound of a relationship breaking; how loud the silence is.

And when the dust settled, I was still unwilling to make it right. Oh, I knew what needed to be said and done; I'm the 'make it right' gal after all. I even knew that I owed an apology. One wasn't asked for, and wouldn't be, but I knew I was out of line as a human being. So I folded my tent, dwelled in the cocoon of my resentment and thought "just leave the azzhole out in the cold for a while and see what happens". What happened was an affair of course. Voids get filled.
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 114
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/23/2009 7:37:10 PM

And what was your part in it?

Settling.................a great man and person, but I didn't connect with him on all levels (something was lacking for me). However, since he was a great man/catch, I settled. Only to realize that nothing was going to change how I felt.

Now taking a personal inventory and taking one day at a time..............
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 115
And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/23/2009 7:55:28 PM

One is not truly mature untill they stop being their own attorney and start being their own judge. did I miss such a provocative thread?

Alright Op. You ask for honest disclosure...I will disclose...

I kept a tallying sheet. I wanted to be sure, that I did not do more, spend more, love more, understand more, give more, than what my partner did.

And in the face of such scrutinization, they would usually fail.

Somehow, in some way, they would fail to meet my expectations, and I would punish them for doing so.

I would fail to see the gifts that they offered, until it was too late.

I sometimes would agree with whatever they said, even though I disagreed with what they said.

I would dumb down my intelligence, in order to make them feel "superior".

I have also argued vehemently, over minuscule things.

I cling to higher ideals, although, even a ladder cannot help me climb up.

I am so not perfect. The challenge comes, when I expect, the other person to see things exactly as I do...
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