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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 26
People With No Conversation SkillsPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

"The argument isn't that any one thing is right - it's that you cannot control what others do. It's better to take the message they are trying to convey and move on than it is to get bogged down in how they deliver the message. Granted it's easy to get confused when you have interest in someone and you WANT them to be interested, but mutual interest is usually not that vague"

Logical fallacy.

You are saying "since we cannot control what people do, we cannot condemn the actions they take."

We can and do.

Ok...has that changed anything? Cause if it's just to blow off hot air and make OURSELVES feel better (cause you know it's all about us anyway), it's pointless, redundant and outside others who want to whine about the same thing, it doesn't solve much. The point is are you here to date or run ettiquette lectures?

We're not talking about what actions people are going to do. We're talking about the fact that the action of sending two word replies is an action that should be condemned by everyone because it has no benefits and only harm (wasted time) for all parties concerned.

Should is great. Won't happen tho. It's a lot of wasted energy to preach to people that either already agree and don't do this, or aren't listening/don't care.

You are talking about being confused whether there is interest or not—that is irrelevant. That is not what we are discussing.

SENDING MESSAGES is about determining interest. It's wanting to date and determining mutual interest that caused this thread, is it not?

We are discussing "why do people send two-word replies since such actions are pointless?"

Oh....ok since we're not looking for solutions and we have a lot of time to kill, continue - I mistook this as a thread for people who want answers. My bad.

You only have two options here: agree that such replies are pointless and should not occur, or defend such replies and give a reason to support their existence.

Neither affects my life, and honestly if this affects someone else's I have to question why. I'd love to discuss the surface issue, but it's sitting on top of the desire to control a situation that's not controllable.

But ok....if we're really talking about JUST why people do what they do, my answer is - how thick is my skin? How personal do I take everything? And last but not least, who cares?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 27
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 10/25/2009 6:03:27 PM
The answer is: there is no universal answer to this. 20 people do this for 20 different reasons. So why ask why? You can't answer it; it's not a polarized situation, though you may think it is.

Some people will find stuff offensive that others do, or take it too personally. Others will realize that so many people in one place cannot possibly all have the same behavior so it's silly to assume they'll all handle something the way you would.

All 20 are probably not interested, however. If they are they have a lack of social skills that would override the fact that they are interested. So either way, moving on is a better way to deal with it.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 28
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 10/25/2009 8:27:51 PM

Ok, I've been using online dating for about a couple of month and seriously is the education system in the U.S. this bad.


I have an MA in English and my writing skills are excellent. However, if a man contacts me and I am not interested, I will politely answer in a few words so as not to encourage him. Of course, those few words often say, "I am flattered by your interest, but we have nothing in common."

As others have said, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you don't respond at all, you are a heartless rude ****. Answer sparingly or not encouragingly, you are merely a ****.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 29
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:33:58 AM
What's just as bad as when you receive an initial message that is extremely short and says nothing.

For example I have received initial emails that said "Hi". It befuddles my mind. How should I respond back? Hi? Wow, this could take forever. I guess I am rude with those. I don't respond at all. They obviously are too busy to take the time to think of something thoughtful to say.

As for the bad use of the English language. I can only guess that many people don't find it important enough. They just don't care or they would look up the spelling in a dictionary, capitalize the first word in a sentence and make sure they included punctuation in their sentences.
 CheezyChick
Joined: 9/23/2009
Msg: 30
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:58:09 AM
I'd guess that most of the time, it has nothing to do with conversation/writing skills.....a two worded reply is not 'conversation' in my opinion...and neither an invitation to one...I personally would take short, abrupt messages as a hint, and leave the initiative for conversation or not, in the other persons hands....
 OLIZAY
Joined: 5/4/2007
Msg: 31
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:40:40 AM
Way I look at is this, if she is really interested in you she'll make an attempt to show it with conversation or mulitple contacts. Guys need to stop playing with themselves with all this what if and let's hope she just doen't know what to say stuff. These women are dumb and mute, if they want to do something trust they will find a way to get it done. Bottom line no conversation=no interest or just not serious except it and move on and ask yourself why would you want to deal with a person like that anyway, this stuff shouldn't be so hard where one has to break thier necks to get things done.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 32
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History
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:30:29 PM
I work with the public. I know how to chit chat, carry a conversation. In my job, I have to be able to get people to reveal their thoughts, feelings and ideas.
But you have to have something to work with.
"yeah" "right" "ok" "I dont know" "yes" "no" No idea that maybe they should ask you something, to show an actual interest, since they DID email you first. Lazy answers from people on a dating site, looking for someone. Some people, you couldnt get a decent response, even with the "jaws of life".
 Gangster Kitten
Joined: 4/3/2008
Msg: 33
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 11/10/2009 9:26:36 AM
Hello, I am interested in you.

Would you like me to fondle you by the pool on a warm summer afternoon?



It's a work in progress guys, but I think it's pretty romantic, whatcha think
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 34
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 11/10/2009 9:43:41 AM
And why are you entitled to have a conversation with whom ever you want? And yes, the education system is bad when a 20yr old university student doesn't know that an actual conversation actually requires oral communication. As in Face2Face, Telephonic?
You may not appreciate their brevity, however they have done the socially polite thing, that being to acknowledge receiving your message. By your demanding that the world conform to your standards shows your lack of social skills. In short, just grow up and get over it, dude!
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 35
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History
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 8/14/2010 3:18:16 PM

if you don't have much to say onilne, then in real life, it's probably worse.

i don't think it's quite this hard and fast. there are a whole lot of people who are perfectly comfortable, engaged conversationalists but who are very uncomfortable writing. there's no way to tell the difference until you get her off email and on the phone or in person, so if she looks like she has potential somewhere, make that happen as soon as possible.

if she just wants to hang around and mumble on email, you can't do much besides write her off, so to speak. but at least you tried.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 36
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 8/14/2010 4:20:40 PM
How do you answer one of these?

"Hi cutie"

"Nice smile"

"read your profile"

"Hi there"

"Hey gorgeous"

"Hi"

"Interesting profile"

9/10 contacts I get are comprised of the above.

Then you have the ones who message about nothing once or twice, their profile is comprised of 2-3 lines of chatter, and never respond to my request of "Tell me a bit about yourself?", , and go right into " Let's meet, in 1 hour". Hold on, I'm not available at a minute's notice, and if your time isn't valuable, mine is. A simple coffee meet with driving time, can mean 1-2 hours out of my day. Tell me a bit about yourself and learn a bit about me. Maybe there's something that may be a deal breaker.

I've found that you can tell a lot about a person and your possible common interests from a good profile and the first few messages back and forth. Communication is a basic requirement of any relationship. If it feels like pulling teeth to get a simple conversation going, I'm not hesitant to say..........NEXT!
 Codeguru
Joined: 9/29/2009
Msg: 37
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People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 8/15/2010 12:57:47 AM
Yup, when you get a short message back it's just the big old "F*ck Off". There's nothing wrong with their conversation skills, they just don't want to talk to you. Consider yourself lucky it's not a drink in the face like you'd get in a bar. Seems like most women I've contacted online give me that. Usually just best to pass it off and move on, no point in wasting time on them...

Codeguru
 melissa0607
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 38
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People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 7/10/2013 7:28:49 AM
I need to revive this thread as I am having this same issue sometimes, more specifically right now.

A guy email me first, I respond and try to get a conversation going. He is answering what I ask him, but in little 3-5 word answers, so I blatantly said "I'd love to talk more but I don't want to grill you with questions to keep the conversation going. You let me know if you're interested in chatting some more." I get a response saying "of course" I tried a little more and then got to the point where I said this, "Ok. So get some conversation going! Ask me stuff. Tell me stuff. " So he asked me if I have any war stories from here, he is new to the site. I answered him and then asked him what he likes to do. Back to the 5 word answers, he likes to fish, and did not ask me in return. LOL, well at least he has one interest. I give up. I don't think it's lack of interest in chatting but more that he's not good at it either online or at all. I might offer a phone conversation because the curiosity is killing me. Some people are just not good conversationalists, some are just not good at talking in text whether it be through texting or email. I suppose we should give people the benefit of the doubt and at least have a "speaking" conversation with them before judging.
 JeremyD4789
Joined: 10/27/2012
Msg: 39
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People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 7/11/2013 9:26:03 PM
Just because someone says a lot of words, does not mean they said anything of value.
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 40
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 7/11/2013 9:52:04 PM


I suppose we should give people the benefit of the doubt and at least have a "speaking" conversation with them before judging.


You must really like this guy.

Give it a try but, IMO, it is much easier to strike a conversation with text messages than verbally. With text messages there is ample time to think about a plethora of subjects. If a person cannot carry a conversation given a generous amount of time to come up with something as in email and text, I find it rather doubtful they'll be able to converse when they have to do it in real time.

That said, it doesn't hurt to try a phone conversation but, given his record, it's not encouraging. Good luck! :-)
 Imaginary_ape
Joined: 6/1/2013
Msg: 41
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 7/11/2013 9:57:25 PM
Very deep, J, but you're not saying much with so few words, either.

Sadly, conversation seems to be a dying art; people have become too used to texting, where "ikr!" is a whole statement. I'm persistent; I'll keep a conversation afloat for as long as possible, but if I'm the only one trying, it's just not worth it.
 John255317
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 42
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 7/11/2013 9:58:12 PM
Melissa, sounds like you really really want to find out more about this guy but you are questioning how he replies which says to me that that is a concern. And it should be. If he is 19 years old, maybe that is just the way they talk or don't talk. But you are giving him so many chances to open up and he isn't. That to me signals that the guy loves to fish and that is about it and he can't communicate. What a keeper!!!! lol
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 43
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 7/12/2013 5:44:21 AM

They're just being polite. A lot of people complain if they don't get a response. By not offering up a uber response, they're showing you that they aren't interested but taking the time to respond none the less.


I don't consider this to be "polite". When someone sends you an initial email and you aren't interested, either send a "no thanks" email or don't respond. When you are answering their questions, you are giving the other person a sense of false hope. Even though the responses may be brief.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 44
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 7/15/2013 12:31:02 PM
^^^ I will be social, and won't address interest unless it's mentioned. You can't really win with this, if you ignore, you're rude and should respond. If you respond and try to be polite, you're leading someone on. If you tell them no, you're not giving them a chance.

The bottom line is no matter how you handle lack of interest, someone won't likely appreciate it. However this isn't your problem. It's to be expected that people won't do things the way you want on a social site. Take the no in whatever form it comes and be happy you can move on quickly.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 45
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 7/15/2013 2:30:27 PM
Some people on here and other sites that I've emailed would answer with only one or two words. I mean some of their profiles ask the other person to write a meaningful message to them yet when they get one and decide to reply it usually ends up like this "lol yeah." I've even gotten a "It's fun" before when I asked a girl what is the most interesting part about her job and why.


1-2 words= I'm not interested, or what you asked is not interesting

The problem is that you think you are sending thoughtful messages (you provided no example other than asking what is the most interested part of their job and why). Why in the "blue hell" would you ask about what they find interesting about their job? Emphasis on the "job" part, which implies it's not a career (which most women would be more than delighting to talk about). Who wants to talk about their job? Some people can't wait to go home, and here you are asking about what they find interesting about their job? go figure.

The kinds of things that prompt me to answer with 1-2 words:

"It must be hard for someone like you to live where you live"
"how was your day today?"
"you have a beautiful smile, I hope you have a great day today"
"how is POF treating you?"

Any question that is superficial (no substance), gets a 1-2 word answer. Any questions that is tasteless (how come you are single?), well, if I were not single, we wouldn't be talking, so why ask such a stupid question? Any question that relates to the past is tasteless as well (why did your last relationship not work out?). Isn't the future what we're trying to build? why are we revisiting the past?

Getting 1-2 word responses? change the question! or ask "do you have any interest in continuing this conversation?" I've told men that I'm not interested in continuing the conversation as there hasn't been anything of substance discussed. They are the ones messaging me, so if they don't ask anything of substance, something that says they want to get to know me, they get "sorry, not interested", or they get cut off with "message me when you have an idea about what you'd like to know about me ". It's a classic, they get the message, they are boring!


I mean if you have the time to answer a message at least make an effort so that the conversation can continue and if you don't want the conversation to continue why in the blue hell would you answer the message in the first place. It just common sense no interest then don't reply at all if your interested reply with something meaning and just like the other person ask a question back. I'm of course referring to a first message to a person and then a reply back.


I answer out of courtesy, especially when they are wishing me something good, or they pay me a compliment. It is courtesy to respond with "Thank you, but we are not a match" or some variation of that. Some take it as an invitation to keep talking, some take it as an opportunity to ask why we are not a match (that rarely ends well). Someone messaged me "really?", my reply was "really". Was he hoping I enter a discussion about me not liking men that wear earrings? to each their own, I just don't like that, unless you are Mr. Clean of course (the "mac daddy" supper duper hot guy on the detergent bottle).

If I'm the one initiating the conversation, the first message is tailored to their profile, or something that stood out from their profile. For example:

"hey, just wanted to let you know that you can change your username by clicking "edit profile", all the way at the bottom, you'll see a box in which you can enter a new username (not through the POF app though). Anyway, you mentioned you have been in NYC for 2 years and don't consider yourself new anymore. I'm curious, have you been to the feast of San Gennaros, Tropfest, Shakespeare in the park? have you had bubble tea or organic gellato? If you haven't experienced any of this, you are still new to NYC, lol"

The way I see it: it addressed the whole "I don't know how to change my username as I'm not new to NYC anymore" on his profile. Then follows with ideas that he could have or not have experienced in NYC which I can introduce him to. It inspires at least curiosity about the things I mentioned.

The verdict? I got a response and we texted for about an hour and determined we were not a match (he was looking for casual sex, whereas I am not).
 once_here
Joined: 6/30/2013
Msg: 46
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 7/16/2013 4:53:37 AM

show some courtesy and just write "thanks for the message, but I'm not interested." Is that so difficult?

couldn't agree more, I mean if you're not interested just send a reply back saying not interested, thanks, that's more polite than not replying
 35brock
Joined: 3/20/2013
Msg: 47
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 7/16/2013 10:04:30 PM
The bottom line is no matter how you handle lack of interest, someone won't likely appreciate it. However this isn't your problem. It's to be expected that people won't do things the way you want on a social site. Take the no in whatever form it comes and be happy you can move on quickly.


Of course I would move on when I realize someone's not interested. Regardless of their method. However when someone answers my questions on the initial email, I don't move on as quickly. Because I'm not sure if that person is interested or not after 1 brief reply. If they kept sending brief replies without asking questions on subsequent emails, I would move on at that point. If they said "no thanks" after the initial email, then I can move on immediately.
 notjesus
Joined: 7/4/2008
Msg: 48
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 7/17/2013 11:43:31 PM

Understand that the average IQ is only 100. That means that half the population is below that. You probably are used to talking to mostly people with IQ's higher than that which are closer to yours. On the internet you meet people of all mental abilities.


The sad truth.

I fondly remember the not so distant late 1980s/early 90s. When THE INTERNET had fantastic barriers to entry. Few people had home computers because they weren't generally toys for entertainment, they were for programming, spreadsheets, databases and work. (and great RPGs, and BBS porn, sure). Professionals and college students (and grads) were the primary users.

Along come cheap home computers but at least the dumb people stayed on AOL and the rest of us had THE real internet and Usenet, and everyone KNEW how to operate their great simple software and get the best results.

Trolls aside, discussions and the overall quality of services on Usenet were at a maturity and intelligence level that we'll never see in an unmoderated forum like this, or almost anywhere on the WWW again.

It is known. September 1993, AOL users got access to Usenet, and a HUGE societal paradigm shift occured; referred to as ETERNAL SEPTEMBER. In one giant wave the internet got a whole lot DUMBER.

There have been other major shifts in dumb since then, of course.

Internet citizens of the early to mid 90s know. It was a time when EVERYONE was designing their own websites because they wanted to LEARN and DO things with this amazing tool. They read books on HTML, Dreamweaver, Flash, everything in their quest to be PART OF A HUGE THING, the real birth and expansion of the world wide web. It was glorious. Then came the demand for places like GEOCITIES and MYSPACE and people stopped learning, because they can just point and click their way to a "website" now.

Giant shift #2 occurs when Facebook drops the .EDU requirement and opens to the public, it's quality went down the tubes in a huge market share grab. They killed off Myspace, which is the right thing to do competively, but at the time Facebook was the place for quality educated people and professionals, and Myspace was for urban folks, musicians, and general garbage.

Suddenly everyone was lumped together, and AS IF IN A HIGH SCHOOL who puts the 10th graders reading at college level in the same classroom as the ones reading at 2nd grade level...EVERYONE GETS DUMBER. Internet loses 10 points of intelligence.

#3 is ... friggin smartphones. Remember Blackberries? Those were awesome. That's not what I mean. We used them to get email everywhere, it was $10 more than our cell phone price, and it was glorious because professionals and educated people RELY on email to do business. The word smartphone wasn't really used in day to day discussion. Microsoft came out with Windows Mobile and it was an amazing tool as well, with Pocket Excel, Outlook email support, MS Exchange sync, etc. Tools that could be programmed and set up for amazing productivity.

Then iPhones happened, along with every other non Blackberry/Windows toy phone. Suddenly people who don't use corporate or private email, spreadsheets and other tools NEEDED to have $900 pocket computers, to text boobs and penises to each other, and get on Facebook. Some of these people didn't even HAVE computers! They had skipped the whole iPod thing because they were too dumb to load music on one (SERIOUSLY) but now had a device that could bypass the home computer completely to buy the latest in Nickelback's catalog of glory, take pictures and upload them and generally create poorly typed mayhem everywhere they went.

Now with smartphones as Facebook Access Devices, we have people on the internet who have never owned a computer, and a giant influx of them. They know NOTHING about the internet etiquette that has been PAINSTAKINGLY crafted and honed over the last 25 years or so. They've never dealt with any of it, they're like the fat drunk guy who shows up in the fine dining restaurant, ordering a 2 litre of Mountain Dew to wash down their Filet and Ketchup, and farting up the whole damn room.

I'm not sure what I"m trying to say, except that the internet used to make us smarter, and now THE INTERNET MAKES YOU STUPID.
 hounddoug
Joined: 3/21/2013
Msg: 49
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 7/18/2013 8:18:22 AM

Giant shift #2 occurs when Facebook drops the .EDU requirement and opens to the public, it's quality went down the tubes in a huge market share grab. They killed off Myspace, which is the right thing to do competively, but at the time Facebook was the place for quality educated people and professionals, and Myspace was for urban folks, musicians, and general garbage.


So what you're saying is if you're not an educated professional you shouldn't be on Facebook? Being educated doesn't always make a person smarter, most times they only think they are and they get an elitist/judgemental attitude towards anyone who is not educated like them. Quite a few times I've read online articles written by the educated and professional people (I know this because they're always adamant about informing everyone that they are) and the spelling and grammar of their writing is just high school level.


I'm not sure what I"m trying to say, except that the internet used to make us smarter, and now THE INTERNET MAKES YOU STUPID.


The Internet, which has become the TV of the future, is what you make of it (with PoF being the equivalent of "The Dating Game"). Stupid people will use it for stupid reasons. Everyone else seeks out what it is they're looking for. Knowledge and information is there and must be available to all.
 house_full_of_bullets
Joined: 8/22/2011
Msg: 50
People With No Conversation Skills
Posted: 7/18/2013 9:17:23 AM
@notjesus:

Out of your wall of text, you could have summarized by simply saying: "I was on the internet when the internet wasn't cool."

"Internet etiquette". What horseshit. Just because you were on in the bbs days, it doesn't make you the grand sage you wish you were.
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