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 littlelynx
Joined: 9/28/2009
Msg: 1
Breaking up with a friendPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Forgive me if I am in the wrong forum. I wasn't sure where to bring this up.
But I wanted to know about other people and how they have broken up with a friend.
Sometimes friendships become toxic or people change or hurt you and you can't bear to be their friend any longer.
Have you ever broken ties with a friend. How and why did you do it?
Do you feel guilt for leaving a friend?
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 2
Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 10/25/2009 12:05:24 PM
If they keep doing things i don't agree with. Drugs, alcohol, etc.
I just don't answer the phone anymore, text, e-mail.
They'll move on fast.
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 3
Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 10/25/2009 12:06:31 PM
Been there did that----was it pleasant ...not exactly, but I am no one's personal door mat. We all have feelings and mine are no less significant than that of my friends.

I don't feel guilty because I've done nothing to warrant the treatment I was getting in the first place. I'd do anything for a friend, but folks shouldn't confuse my kindness for stupidity.

Lesson learned.
 SoftAndHappy
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 4
Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 10/25/2009 12:27:06 PM
Yes, of course! Most friendships in your life will come and go. It is the rare few that are around forever.

Personally, I think it's best to let them die 'naturally'. Just start hanging out with them a little less, stop making plans. Unlike a bf/gf relationship, people are supposed to have other friends and are not supposed to be 'exclusive' with you... so this is the natural way...

Never burn bridges if you don't have to. I've had friends who I've had to drift away from (for whatever reason) only to find them reappear years later when one or both of us have changed, and we were back to being good friends!

No need to feel guilty, it is the natural ebb and flow of life.
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 5
Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 10/25/2009 12:50:36 PM
One of my long time friends (over 10 years) walked into my house one day, and asked me in a very matter-of-fact and poutty face if i had sex with her boyfriend!
I was painting the ceiling and almost fell off the ladder.
She told me that HE said so...
That guy was a veritable piece of slime that nobody liked, and even treated her like trash, but we tolerated him in our company and our homes because she was dragging him around everywhere. Ewwwwwwww!
Well, I told her exactly what I thought about her boyfriend and herself, and that was the end of the friendship. I don't need friends like this. Really!


 PiggyT
Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 6
Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 10/25/2009 12:53:19 PM
there is only one way. Be honest. Tell them why and that it is a final decision. Then, just like a relationship, cease contact.
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 7
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History
Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 10/25/2009 1:23:22 PM
Yes, I became intimate with a friend. She didnt feel the same way I did and it ended the friendship. She was use to her lovers treating her badly, she was attracted to the bad boy type who used her and left her. I was the guy she would resort to have her wounds licked, recover from. I mistakingly thought I was a good thing for her. Although she is bound for repeated hurt from the guy she chooses, she now will need someone elses sholder to cry on the next time her jerks does her wrong. What I am saying is stop using your friends to bail you out of your mistakes and figure out what your friends are for this way you wont get in over your head.
 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 8
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Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 10/25/2009 1:48:57 PM
ok, there are two posts here that I totally don't get... maybe I'm just an idiot, but i don't see the reason why these two people are ending friendships:


y best friend (he's a guy) and I ended our friendship in August, after many, many arguments about his road rage. I kept tellling him I would not put up with it, and went so far as to not ride in his vehicle for over a year (while we maintained our friendship). He told me he had conquered his bad behavior, and I believed him. I rode with him 3 times this summer, to the beach and back. The first 2 times he got pissed at other drivers, but didn't "rage." The third time he lost his cool and drove like a maniac -- tailgated, cut in front of someone and then slammed on his brakes, flipped the bird, shouted, cussed, well you get the picture. I got out of the vehicle and we have not talked since. I miss his friendship, but it wasn't worth losing my life. I don't feel guilty.


So... you ended your friendship... over road rage??? This just seems like something you can easily avoid by not driving with him anywhere. This just boggles my mind.


Pfft...I've never found it difficult to drop acquaintances. Prospective friend gets sussed out...first time is always the last time when on probation...like someone I know at the moment wants to borrow $2,500 so he can buy night vision goggles...I mean like WTF????? Are you insane??? But its on sale...


Granted, 2500 is a pretty huge loan for a luxury item, but I don't understand why you can't just say "no," laugh in his face, and leave it at that. I don't see a reason to consider cutting a friendship because they asked for money... unless the only time they ever talk to you is when they want to borrow money, which didn't sound like the case.
 soatlanta
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 9
Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 10/25/2009 1:49:38 PM
Sometimes you have to clean out the "closet" of people you've surrounded yourself with.

If they're not building you up, they'll bring you down. And DON'T feel guilty; you have to make some of these choices in order to grow.

I've had to do it once or twice and it can be a blessing later on...promise.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 10
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Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 10/25/2009 2:55:14 PM
littlelynx, you have to do what is best for your mental state of mind... Sometimes people are toxic, and or change to this person that you can't stand any longer... In fact they may stay the same as they always have been, however you have grown, and out grown the friendship...

You can sit and chat with them over it, or your can slowly push them away by not returning calls, getting together, et al... Either way it is up to you how you feel like handling it, and if it seems like a clean cut by chatting with them works, or just slowly ignoring them out...

These kind of things happen in life, and as you get older, and life changes with marriage, kids, different jobs, moving, et al, friends will come and go, and it will be those that have core values like your own that stay...

Sure a person can feel guilty, most people fear hurting someone else, and that us usually why a person feels guilty. The reality is if this person is toxic to you, and is not lifting you, there is no need to feel guilty to let them go on their own path way... It is just different than yours, and life is about self preservation...

Good luck
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 11
Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 1/27/2010 6:20:20 PM
I've had friends to where you just drifted away from each other....if it comes time to abruptly end a friendship....its not easy, but better to just be upfront and honest about it....they will ask why....you tell them....in a nice way.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 12
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Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 1/27/2010 9:31:51 PM
In most cases that a friendship has ended, there has either been a big fight, and both parties chose not to speak to the other, or I have chosen not to contact or speak with the friend and they generally figure out that I am not calling them. When I renewed a friendship after one of those fight scenarios, I approached it from the standpoint that I couldn't hold onto any of my negative feelings because some of the things she did that bothered me, I had never spoken to her about, consequently she wasn't given an opportunity to behave differently.

I did have one friend that decided she hated me while I was in child birth and she and a friend she had met through me wrote me a nice 3 page letter delineating all of my character flaws and how they were going to pray (neither one was religious) for my daughter because she certainly was going to need it, which they sent to me when my daughter was in the NICU 9 days later.

If you don't want to have the confrontation a letter stating your issues and why you no longer feel the relationship is tenable is IMO an appropriate route as long as you are not mean-spirited about it and take responsibility for your choices, things you are upset about that you didn't mention, etc. Could be if anything is salvageable, once the friend sees things on paper, they could also seek to change for the better so the exorcism may in the end, not really be necessary.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 13
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Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 1/27/2010 10:26:31 PM
When I've been clear in myself that they are bad for me, I tell them, and break things off politely, just as I would in a professional setting. I do NOT believe you have to declare someone to be a BAD PERSON just because they are bad for YOU. Therefore I tell them frankly and calmly that their presence in my life is causing me problems, and how they are doing so, and then wish them well. Just as with any other relationship, if they accept it and move on, fine, if not, I drive them away with the usual set of tools (ignoring calls and emails).
If you feel guilt about ANYTHING, you should take that as an indication that you do not yet understand your OWN reasons for what you've done. When you reason out your side of the situation thoroughly, and made sure your behavior in it matches up with your personal beliefs and morality, the guilt will vanish. The only remaining feelings might be regret at the loss of a friend, which is always something to mourn appropriately, since good friends are as gold to the coffers of our souls.
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 14
Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 1/27/2010 10:38:11 PM
Wow, your profile pic is stunning. Sorry, off topic =)

I have never really broken up with a friend. I have had some relationships turn somewhat toxic..I back off. I care for them. I give them their space. I don't allow their toxicity to infect me. It can cause both to drift away, but I find it more comfortable just removing myself a little bit and not closing the door to the friendship. And I don't think I'd be able to turn my back on the 3 people that this has come up with in my life..and all have been very long term friends; 7 years, 20 years, 30 years (no they weren't toxic relationship for the whole time -thank god!). Life can be hard and it's messy. Like picking up trash in dresses. I'm not one to hold grudges though ..and things always come around. I will say though..I have no tolerance for toxic romantic relationships. That is a whole different thing. The stuff that causes those indicates things each person needs to work out individually and/or (likely and) move on a start fresh with someone else. Sticking around in a toxic relationship, even on the sidelines, does not help facilitate this.

I pretty much don't do things that will make me feel guilty. Nor do I buy into guilt. I think you need to look out for yourself. If the only way you can remove the toxicity is to end the friendship completely, then you should be able to do so sans guilt.
 parrynights
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 15
Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 1/28/2010 9:10:41 PM
Yes I have broken ties with a friend.This woman was a "toxic" friend. I know she lied to me about many things and thought I was not smart enough to figure out her deceptions...Wrong!! How did I break ties? I sent her an email saying goodbye and let's go our seperate ways as she never saw anything in me as a person.Eight months later she calls out of the blue and invites me to a social outing pretending that she never got the email.I told her right then that I did'nt see us ever meeting again,to which she replied: " It's all good". she then went on to ask me to sit down for a drink with her. I ended the call and have'nt heard from her since. What I'm trying to say is never look back,and don't feel guilty about kicking someone out of your life. My two cents....Works for me
 txredbull
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 16
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Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 1/28/2010 9:16:29 PM

I lost my friends in the divorce... Gave him custody of his original ones, and threw in the mutual ones plus neighbours. Too many were inadvertently disclosing details that were none of his business. I cut all ties and moved... I don't feel guilt, I feel free. I miss their easy companionship, but I like the privacy. Sometimes the path you take is clearly lit.

You had friends to give away in a divorce. You mention the D word and people automatically darn a face mask and plastic gloves when they talk with you.
 CookieLady66
Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 17
Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 1/29/2010 8:24:02 AM
About a year ago I broke off a friendship because she had changed.

By changed I mean she started smoking crack, drinking every night, cheating on her husband, physically abusing her entire family.

She blames this on bi-polar disorder...whatever; I don't want to be associated with the psycho she has become.

Was it hard? No. She wasn't the original person who was my "friend" anymore. I occasionally miss who she used to be, but I also realize she'll never be that person again.
 SylvanSwan
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 18
Breaking up with a friend
Posted: 2/2/2010 8:34:31 PM
I'm sure everyone in the world has broken up with a friend....it is not a great experience.

The only guilt I have was keeping a secret for a friend. That secret went totally against my values and morals as she was married and sleeping around. I had the ultimate respect for her husband - he is a good man.

I had a hard time looking him in the eye after finding out her "secret." But still continued with the friendship because I felt that overall, she was a decent person.

Until she has the balls to run me down behind my back (like I wouldn't find out about it?) after being loyal to her. It hurt me. But the secret is still being kept to this day.

Never again will I keep secrets like that for anyone, friend or foe. I would rather munch on broken glass instead....

But before I do that, I'll be gone like a breeze of wind. POOF!

~crazyhorsewoman~
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