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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > All the way in, or all the way out?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
All the way in, or all the way out?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
No, no, its not about that! Get your minds out of the gutter!

As I get older, I often find that when I meet someone new, unless I'm head over heels about the woman, that I quickly lose interest. Granted I've had a similar pattern in some of my relationships in the past, although often I would hang in there and let things at least try to develop and evolve, and sometimes they did. But now I'm at a point where if I'm not feeling it right away I'm bored, and rather than waste my time and her's, I usually just part ways with the woman.

It happened to me again just recently, after 2 months of being involved with a perfectly nice woman. We had quite a few differences and neither one of us realistically saw the other as a viable long term option, but we enjoyed one another's company, and probably would have been perfectly content getting together once or twice a week for the time being. It burned real bright initially, and we were even hot & heavy briefly, but it kinda fizzled out rather quickly. I've had that happen to me often enough in the last few years that I now discern a pattern.

Its crossed my mind that in my late 40s I've just gotten comfortable with the single life (such as it is). Or that I just wasn't as interested in her as she was in me (I felt bad about the imbalance, which was one of the reasons for me to end things). Possibly its just boredom in general with the idea of dating, ie. if it isn't going somewhere then why bother? I don't doubt that I'm quite capable of falling in love and being happy as a couple again, but how do I ever get to that point if there are only two choices, all in or fold? Has anyone found a happy medium for themselves?
 pamsfl
Joined: 8/14/2009
Msg: 2
All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 10/27/2009 2:44:52 PM
I think that finding a happy medium between the two would be considered "settling."
Not many people want to settle for less than what they want, especially in the over forty range.

I think you are just being honest with yourself, and honest to the women you are dating. Many people would just accept a companiable relationship, especially when there is a good physical side to it. But for those of us who are actually searching for more, eventually it just becomes disappointing when you know it's not going anywhere.

Personally, I'm with you. As soon as I know it's not going somewhere, I will end things. I guess Kenny Rogers said it best -- You got to know when to hold 'em and know when fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run!
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 3
All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 10/27/2009 2:44:59 PM
After being married most of my life ...... pOOf six years ago I was no long married.

1st on the agenda > find a female I wanted for a real girlfriend. I had never messed around about that. I had never settled. I would just look everywhere until I found a girl I FOR SURE wanted as a girlfrend.

I figured six months tops.

I did not find *her and bought into all the “just date and see - you might be surprised”.

Well - I was NEVER surprised.

If I don’t know it in the first 5 minutes ....... she is NOT a potential girl friend. I knew it before I gave “just dating” a try.

I stopped that right after I started it.

THEN ..... I backed off totally. I’ve stayed backed off for three years now. ZERO dates - zero attempts.

I can only surmise - I must be done with it.

I’m still more or less open to a ....... a .......... a ....... relationship but still not open to a “try it and see”. It would have to be a REAL two way match right off the bat.

The only way (since I do nothing to spark it) that could happen would be if some kind of fluke came about. Like if *she had a flat tire in front of my house and wanted to use the phone. With everyone having a cell these days ................... that one is out too lol.

Yup ....... I am a perfect example of ALL or NOTHING. I have no interest in some modern day - kind of - sort off - FWB. A real two way match or nothing.
 Seven1234
Joined: 7/11/2009
Msg: 4
All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 10/27/2009 2:48:25 PM
Why does there have to be only 2 choices? I personally have been involved with ppl only to find months into it: Nothing. I have also been involved with someone I felt very little for and then suddenly, I'm all crazy about them.

[if it isn't going somewhere then why bother?]

How are you suppose to know if it isn't "going anywhere"? Like I said: Things can change and more often than not they do just that....

I find if I take things slowly eventually, something ALWAYS happens.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 5
All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 10/27/2009 3:16:38 PM
Prolly the best place to BE is either all the way in or all the way out. . . . Half way is just treading water. And sumbuddy's gonna get hurt. Being halfway in/out is that famous "settling" thing, from which nuthin' good ever comes. Don't think I'd get months in before deciding though: not only a waste of time for both, but also a morale sapper. Dating's tough: save your best for the real close calls. . . .

 brepay
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 6
All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 10/27/2009 9:42:19 PM
Hey Charles,,, when did you get out??
 MondoVman
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 7
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All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 10/27/2009 11:10:53 PM

probably would have been perfectly content getting together once or twice a week for the time being

Whoa buddy! Now just back the F off! We're not in HS anymore, remember?

If I eat a great steak dinner 2 or 3 nights a week I get tired of it real quick!

Call her only once a week period. Have something interesting to relate based on you bustin' out doing stuff with your life in the present, which is all we ever have.

Sounds like you (may) lose too much of your identity beginning your attempts to bond.

And also while you're at it (life), stop thinking so much, it can kill "you".
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 8
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All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 10/27/2009 11:20:51 PM
ask for a prescription for oxytocin. it's the bonding hormone! i am very leery myself of the man who wants my baby in the first few weeks, then suddenly some temper tantrum and he's outta here. if we are going to start a new religion together (you know, the first man to give birth!)--well then, he needs to be way more stable and a lot more wise and saavy.

the "extreme" dude is a bit too wacked for me. so, i experience each person one day at a time. for me, where there is warmth and friendship and flow and steadiness and continuity, w/o going berserk and claiming me like a caveman, my candle burns bright. i am at my best that way, either in or out (smirk)!

i have learned however, that some interpret the other's intent based upon personal experiences--often ones they don't share, so i try to be clear. yes, many things can burst the bubble in these times. even i have misinterpretted some immediate advances, perhaps in the wrong way. i think i need a man, who understands the "feminine", as well as one who can communicate, before he throws "me" out with the bathwater!
 bulls eye annie
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 9
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All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 10/28/2009 4:17:24 AM
Everyone has a bad day. That's life and chit happens.

First and foremost, is 'he' someone I can respect? Character, personality, self-love, and generosity are equally important.

Character is the foundation. Does fear or love motivate the man? Fear is quick to anger, with various hues of gray and black that overshadows. Love, on the other hand, shines. Personality is the freedom of self-expression. How does he express himself? Self-love requires continuous self reflection and honesty: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the wonderful. Generosity is not selfish for personal or material gain. Does he share himself or unapproachable?

When no-one is looking, is he kind to others, just because? When a vehicle cuts him off while driving, does he anger easily? At a resturant, will he uplift the waitress/waiter and leave a reasonable tip? How does he handle the silence during a date? How does he respond to animals and children in a crowd?

His eyes, do they glow? Does he glow? If so, than I am all in. If not, than I am all out

Annie
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 10
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All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 10/28/2009 6:20:27 AM
OP - I'm with you...but I don't do the halfway thing anymore. For me (and yes I know not everyone prescribes to this notion) the idea that something can "grow" doesn't work - I tried, God knows, and only ended up hurting perfectly nice men who I truly like and respect - but the woo hoo, over the top thing wasn't there. Some people on here call that "infatuation" and say it fades - for me, that hasn't been the case. I know it can last, and I want it again - because having had that, anything less would feel like settling. Maybe for a while it works...but I couldn't live like that forever.
 cotter
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 11
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All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 10/28/2009 6:46:49 AM

Call her only once a week period. Have something interesting to relate based on you bustin' out doing stuff with your life in the present, which is all we ever have.
I'd dump his butt if he was stating he want's a "relationship" and then only called once a week. What kind of relationship is that?

What the hell is that all about? Where is the spontaneity in that? That's a player ... very much just a calculated player ... toying with a woman's emotions. If a man can't respond with spontaneity then go look for some robot doll to play with.

OP ... just relax and go with your feelings. If you feel like calling her ... call her. If she is not responding positively to your attentions ... then she's not interested and don't waste too much time on her. It's not rocket science.

I think most of us respond to the initial attraction of the person. I already know very soon after I meet a man whether or not there will even be a date. (I only do meet & greet at first ... never plan for any lengthy time frames upon first meeting a man. Then if that goes well, I will agree to a date with the gentleman.)
 MondoVman
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 12
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All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 10/28/2009 7:42:50 AM
LOL, unsurprising attack. Grin. That was man to man talk, Pollyanna. Here: (Feel better? Yes, no, maybe never? Oh well. *belly jiggling chuckles)

Ok, so Polly's urine socked panties haven't lost their iron clad bite or odor overnight. Litter box overflowing again, Polly? Polly's baseline, understood and duly noted.

Listen man, I'm more than a d1ck to be offered up on a platter by calling her. I "allow her" to call me one or more sessions a week, for her to show me that she is positively responding to my attentions.

Use your head to suit up and take part in life. It'll give you experiences worth sharing - but until then continue sharing what you got with us - it's all good.
To thine own self be true.
 cotter
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 13
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All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 10/28/2009 8:16:38 AM

That was man to man talk, Pollyanna.
Someone is encouraging a man who is seeking advice on dating to be a "player"? To act like a standoffish, cold and calculating "player"? How is that helpful?

Aren't we all adults here? Do we have to start out even a friendship (that could evolve into a relationship) without any kind of spontaneity and just rigid "I called her ... and now I'll ALLOW her to call me" crap? If a man treated me like that ... it would be over before it even got started. That's teenage childishness.



Ok, so Polly's urine socked panties haven't lost their iron clad bite or odor overnight. Litter box overflowing again, Polly? Polly's baseline, understood and duly noted.
And what does urine and socks and panties or an overflowing litter box have to do with the topic of the thread?
 ClassySwede
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 14
All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 10/30/2009 3:05:02 PM
I hear ya! I fall for the ones who break my heart. I walk in and slowly let my walls and defenses down. Then, snap! I am a dead duck... The ones who are into me, I just don't feel anything for. One day hopefully, we will walk at the same pace, and have mutual feelings for each other and things will go smoothly. hmmmm
 JourneyInLife
Joined: 7/24/2008
Msg: 15
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All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 10/31/2009 1:52:20 PM
All the way in way at all times. Slow **** sessions are more sincere, IIMHO.

Life is too short to wait for the "perfect one."

Be true to yourself at all times.



Micheal
 blue450
Joined: 7/24/2009
Msg: 16
All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 2/17/2010 10:51:01 AM
Why does every one you meet have to be "the One"?? You can have the same feelings for a thousand other people. "Holding Out" because you don't do "that"/in for the Long Haul?? Why is that etched in stone for some people? Why limit yourself ??
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 17
All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 2/17/2010 12:59:57 PM
Maybe you're in love with the idea of being in love; the initial rush and adrenaline of getting to know someone new

Maybe you won't be able to sustain a relationship again until you find the 'right one' - there's a saying that you should find the one you can't live without, not just the one that you can live with; although I don't agree with the idea that we can't literally live without someone, it makes sense to me in the spirit in which it's meant...
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 18
All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 2/17/2010 2:58:47 PM

Personally, I hate dating. I've always got one foot out the door..ready to run


Amen. I want to drop a sponge in the bath and have my instant SO.

Gawd dating SUCKS AZZ...

I want" pillow talk" and "all that jazz" and I don't mean rent the movies!!!!

 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 19
All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 2/17/2010 4:00:48 PM
Well I think my medium would be wrapped around someones personal nature.
I can really warm up to someone who is kind and personable.
I have dated a few people that had huge personalities, but no spark for whatever reason and now if I had to go back, I might give that more time.
To me personally it is wrapped up in the way they treat people and how respectful and considerate a person is.
I can be attracted to someone but, if they are spiteful or intolerant I tend to head for the hills.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 20
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All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 2/18/2010 2:33:48 PM
Wow, I see someone resurrected this thread. Funny, when I first posted this, I had just gotten out of a brief relationship, one which I called a halt to because I didn't see a long term future in it. Now I find myself having been very recently on the other end of that, got involved with a woman I was crazy about, and was told she was crazy about me as well, until she abruptly changed her mind and tossed me away. This latest gal was one I could have seen myself having a long term relationship with, and she repeatedly told me she wanted the same thing. Without much of an explanation she halted it midstream, and I can only guess that the reality of a relationship scared her off from the fantasy she seemed to have in her head.

So what have I learned from all this? I'm right back where I was. You go on a date trying not to have too many expectations, but all too often you can tell within the first few minutes of being with someone if there is a chance in hell of making a run together. I hate to waste my time or anyone else's, and I won't lead anyone on just to save myself from staying home on a Friday night. I'm not interested in finding a middle as far as settling for less than what I want, ever, but finding a middle that allows simple dating that allows me to get to the relationship part. Others here have said they hate dating, and I'm right there with you, knowing there is no instant solution. I've been stuck in a rut of either being head over heels or completely uninterested. Being impulsive and romantic are some of my best characteristics, but how do I find a way to temper the enthusiasm, or lack thereof, and just let things evolve. I know part of it is my age, wanting to find a partner to share my life has more immediacy, and feel like I might just be running out of chances.
 MAGIC_MARCO
Joined: 11/16/2007
Msg: 21
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All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 2/18/2010 4:28:28 PM

Why does every one you meet have to be "the One"?? You can have the same feelings for a thousand other people. "Holding Out" because you don't do "that"/in for the Long Haul?? Why is that etched in stone for some people? Why limit yourself ??


I don't know the answer, that's for sure. But anybody who's been at this for a while, has certainly seen promising meetings just fizzle out in short order.
I wonder we' d even know "the right one " when we see them in front of our faces.
This might be the only answer we ever find :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8epOsbk418
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 22
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All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 2/18/2010 4:39:44 PM
"Not sure if it is different between being divorced and being widowed, but I know that having had a successful marriage I am content if I never meet another right fit, since I know what works for me and refuse to alter my standards. As corny as it sounds I believe that the right person comes along at the right time. "

I so hear you.

"Why limit yourself ?? "

If I have to explain it, I already know, you wouldn't understand.

"Maybe you're in love with the idea of being in love;" So boring when we meet those kind of people no matter which gender they are.

"The women, as they like to be called these days"

How many decades before the genders can be equal in the minds of everyone? Living in societies where genders have been equal for decades, then coming back to NA and seeing this nonsense makes me wonder why I bother coming back...............
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 23
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All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 2/18/2010 6:15:37 PM
moraima - msg 47

How many decades before the genders can be equal in the minds of veryone? Living in societies where genders have been equal for decades, then coming back to NA and seeing this nonsense makes me wonder why I bother coming back...............

Right on! There are countries where both genders are equally bad in playing ice hockey.
But in NA, the hockey players of the weaker gender are clobbering all other societies. I'll bet my groin protector that Canadian girls would beat even the Cuban men in this discipline.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 24
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All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 2/20/2010 12:20:02 AM
if you look at successful couples who have rode the waves together for years, they will tell you bluntly: the waves go up and the waves go down. also, like a good fire, you have to prod and nurture the relationship along. this takes communication, patience, friendship, fun and shared activities. but, there are also the individual and mutual responsiblities. you need to be an artist in creation of balance. that is why love is not just a feeling.

if you cannot prod and rekindle it, then often it's you (or me) that has to be looked at--not the object(s) of our affections or "lust". too many of us seek to be loved. but we also need to love. i have found that when there is mutuality and some common objectives, the chemistry will sustain a lot longer. when a person, including myself, starts pointing the finger, it is essential to also pay attention to that other finger that is pointing back atcha! that is what i am doing now. looking at me. some of it is scarey, but most of it is a relief. because that is how i remove my own roadblocks, w/o which there would be NO hope.
 StevieCashmere
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 25
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All the way in, or all the way out?
Posted: 2/20/2010 12:40:12 AM
Life isn't Black & White

~sc~
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