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 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 100
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separated but still living together... to believe or notPage 6 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Legally speaking:
separated = still married. period. The emotional relationship may be over but you are still legally married to that person and not free to enter into a new marriage with a new person.

According to the IRS, there are only a few ways to represent yourself on your tax returns.
There are:
Married, filing jointly
Married, filing separately
Single
Head of Household
Until you are fully and finally divorced, you HAVE to file your taxes as married so why should you be able to represent yourself differently in the dating world? "Individuals are considered married if they were legally married and not legally separated under a decree of divorce as of the last day of the tax year."---IRS website

If I'm hoping to meet someone I click with and want to get married myself eventually, why the heck would I waste my time with someone who was still married to someone else? I want to meet someone who is free to enter into a new marriage if that's where the relationship leads so I avoid separated men. End the first relationship fully and then talk to me.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 101
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:18:58 PM
The whole IRS thing is a sort of silly argument, isn't it? As is the legal aspect?

I mean, in all honesty, HOW fast did you want to marry the guy that you meet? Is the pending divorce really THAT much of an obstacle to your desire to marry the guy? You did say "eventually" after all . . which I assume doesn't mean "within 6 months of meeting the guy"
 mixy3106
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 104
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/7/2009 8:28:23 PM
I really don't think the legal or tax aspects are silly. Both demonstrate that you are still tied to your former partner.

I just want to meet someone who is free to enter into a new relationship fully. If a man has not extricated himself completely from his previous relationship (marriage or otherwise), I'm not interested. I'm not looking to meet someone and elope immediately but I know how long it takes to pick up the pieces after a divorce, particularly in a community property state like mine. So waiting for someone to complete a divorce and then complete the recovery process is not that great of an option. It wouldn't be waiting 6 months, it would be waiting 3-4 years before it's even an option. That's assuming that the divorce is actually moving forward. After reading some of these boards, it seems that some people are content to remain separated forever and never go through with the divorce even though they claim the marriage has been ended for years. To me, that just seems horribly unfair to the new partner who may wish to get married at some point. But hey, to each his own. As long as both people know what they are getting into......

Several years ago, I discovered that the guy I had just started seeing was married.....though he swore he was about to file for divorce. (He never did) It wasn't a pretty scene. After that, I won't even consider anyone unless they are 100% available....not partially married, not kinda divorced, not somewhat separated. Either never married or 100% divorced. For me, there's just no middle ground.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 106
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/7/2009 8:38:35 PM
That particular instance isn't really a good indicator though - he lied to you from the get-go... or so I think, since it appears that the still-married status came as a surprise to you? (ie: he didn't tell you he was currently separated or still married?)

mixy3106 wrote:
but I know how long it takes to pick up the pieces after a divorce, particularly in a community property state like mine. So waiting for someone to complete a divorce and then complete the recovery process is not that great of an option. It wouldn't be waiting 6 months, it would be waiting 3-4 years before it's even an option.

Uh, I'm not sure I follow - but I don't know how Texas community property laws work. Can you elaborate?

Also, what's the "recovery process"? Is that something that can be legally done after the divorce to go for assets, or am I misinterpreting something?


mixy3106 wrote:
That's assuming that the divorce is actually moving forward. After reading some of these boards, it seems that some people are content to remain separated forever and never go through with the divorce even though they claim the marriage has been ended for years.

This once again assumes someone lying. Which, can happen with anyone.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 109
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/7/2009 10:09:58 PM
My response to it just being a formality for someone to not be divorced is why they made it a formality to be married; "it's just a piece of paper, it's over except for that" and all. They didn't have to make the marriage official in the beginning either, but they did. Same concept on both ends.

People only seem to ignore the second legal contract, but the first one seemed to have had to happen. *shrug*
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 115
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/8/2009 3:25:15 PM

Personally I think that separated people often are the ones trying to push dating them.

That isn't even a matter of opinion, at least on the forums here, but of observable empirical fact. I'm sure that most who are at all inclined to discuss the matter, regardless of where we fall on this, have noticed, if we look at the profiles of posters promoting dating the separated, that it usually says "Separated."

IMO it's pretty easy to spot the separated people who really are emotionally together, dealing with the separation well, and genuinely ready for something new. There just aren't a whole lot of 'em.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 116
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/8/2009 6:30:40 PM
Or who have been dating while separated.


Out of all this, though, I "get" Sun Devil's points... I really do.

It's the "they're probably going to have sex with their ex-to-be" attitude, as well as, to a lesser extent, the "well, it's not someone who can get married" attitude that I just don't get.

And probably never will....
 weekend_warrior
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 118
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/8/2009 9:05:42 PM
Beleave it or not you may never know what hes going thru. I am not defending him Howeer there might be a reason hes still living under the same roof with his soon to be EX . it can be too costly for him to move out?
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 121
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/8/2009 9:51:28 PM
aaamm wrote:

"well, it's not someone who can get married" attitude that I just don't get.
It is against the law in all 50 states to get married while married to someone else...yeah, I know news right?


And now you're deliberately being obtuse? The question had already been asked "How soon did you plan on marrying someone after you first meet them?"

I mentioned that I thought 6 months between meeting and getting married seemed too fast. Mixy suggested it's 3-4 years before it's even an option for a separated person.

My divorce took two years. I don't know what percentage take that long. I had been under the impression that the majority took less time than mine.
 thatusernameistaken
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 127
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/9/2009 2:34:43 PM
The "separated" term is kid of shitty as it relates to internet dating IMO. lol

I've been "separated" for over a year and the only reason it wasn't listed as divorced was because of how long the court process was taking. If we could have continued to argue in court we could have been "separated" for another year or more for all I know. The papers have finally been signed so I've changed my status to divorced now, but I still don't have the formal release from the court and it could be a few more months according to my lawyer.


As to the OP's question, if they are still living together then walk away. Plus, you're hot as hell so you shouldn't have any issues finding someone else.
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 129
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/9/2009 6:07:45 PM
britt884 wrote:
If someone is "separated", they are still married, plain and simple. He is probably looking for a hookup on the side or something. I would forget about him and find someone who is actually single.


You hvaen't readthe rest of this thread, have you? So, let me ask, how do you know that? How do you know the separated guy is just looking for a hookup on the side?

How do you know that the single guy doesn't have a girlfriend, fiancee, or whatever? After all, in those cases, he's still officially single, right?

It's still baffling to me how many people assume "separated" is the same thing as "married and sneaking around behind the spouse's back"

I also wonder if you (and others who opined similarly) would've had the same negative assumptions if it was a man asking about a "separated-and-living-with-ex-to-be" woman that he was seeing.

The hostility is sort of surprising...
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 133
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/9/2009 7:33:35 PM
britt884 wrote:
Well, if he's completely over with the wife, then why isn't he getting a divorce? Why is he just "separated"? AND still living with her? hmmm.


He isn't? What makes you say that? How do you know he isn't in the process of getting a divorce?

And YOUR original post didn't mention living arrangements, though the original poster did. It could be an issue over who gets the house, it could be that he's working on getting an apartment, could be a financial difficulty, insurance difficulty, etc. Several people have already mentioned several reasons why this might happen. Or do you think they're all lying?
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 136
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/10/2009 11:07:55 AM
Personally I'd assume that would be a given - though, given the statements by some (NOT all) of those who say they wouldn't date a separated person, I guess I can sort of see why they'd lie about it.

I didn't, but even so, I'm surprised as some of the . . . I guess "vitriol" isn't exactly the word I'm looking for, but just this sort of "he's definitely up to no good" assumption.

I'm also slightly curious if the same percentage of people make the "up to no good" assumption if it's a woman who's separated rather than a man....

I almost wish I were still in some of the cultural anthropology classes I'd taken way back in college!
 Borto64
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 139
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/10/2009 4:06:23 PM
Call his bluff, tell him you want to come over and pick him up for a date. When his wife answers, tell her "I am here for your husband. I will have him home by sunrise"

hahaahah
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 141
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/10/2009 7:06:19 PM
Legal or not depending on the state - a separation isn't a time to be thinking about dating.

A separation that's not legal is obviously no place for a new relationship, so no need to explain that.

A legal separation is a time to reflect on the marriage and make sure you want to move on and end it before making a huge decision. Again, not a time dating should be on the radar. In fact those who are dating (or trying to) aren't properly using the time to make decisions about the relationshp they're already in, and usually decide they're ready to move on because they're trying to solidify something new.

If you want to date, wait until you're divorced, or in fact, past the divorce to be sure that whoever you're dating isn't a rebound, or will end up involved in whatever recuperation time you're not aware you'll be needing. What's the freaking rush to start a new thing? Is it terminal illness?
 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 142
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/10/2009 7:46:38 PM
Sun Devil 92 wrote:
From page 10 of the pdf - from the province where you live, no less (emphasis mine):

Separation agreements and court orders resolve family matters when you are separate but they do not legally end your marriage. The only way to do this is to get a divorce. Only a court can give you a divorce.


In all fairness, when forumrum wrote:
These people are no more married than you.

I believe he meant that in an emotional-readiness way, not in a "hashing out the details of who gets what assets" and "can remarry now" way.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 143
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/10/2009 7:55:48 PM
Life is about living and enjoying your ride, not about taking risks.

Must be that different strokes for different folks thang, yanno? I would have said that the *only* thing life was about is taking risks. . . . A baby who never takes a risk doesn't even learn how to walk. . . .

Jus' me. . . .

 NotElvisJunior
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 146
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separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/10/2009 11:25:09 PM
Sun Devil 92 wrote:
Separated is not married.
It is. You're legally married.... but you're still legally married.


Eh, this must be from my days as an English major, or maybe a flashback from those HORRID analogy questions from the SATs etc., but it's not. Well, yes, it is. Separated is, effectively, married but in the process of ending it. But it's a legal thing.

I have a slightly off-kilter view of that because I'm in NJ and apparently they don't have an official "separated" in NJ matrimonial law. On the other hand, I'm told that there's some sort of 18-month wait, but I've never been able to confirm that, since my divorce took about 2 years overall.

Sun Devil 92 wrote:
I want to be able to focus on the woman with as minimum distractions as possible. I don't know how the heck you do that in the middle of a divorce. I'm sorry, but you can say it is just "a piece of paper" over and over - however you're still haven't ended your old relationship yet because while you're still in the process of getting that divorced, and thus the ex is still going to be in your life if solely due to the court system.

I understand the sentiment, but following that logic, having children then eliminates the ability to have a relationship for the next 20 years. Until my son becomes an emancipated adult, the ex is going to be in my life in some form or another.

BUT . . at least in my example, she was no more in my life during the separation than she is now.


(by the way, I don't want you to get the impression that I'm arguing with you - actually you've probably made me do more thinking on this than most posts)
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 148
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/11/2009 12:13:45 AM
Okay, NotElvis, in my belated response, I will grant you that one's situation of being separated & living with someone doesn't always have to be the WORST situation as others are pointing out, however, my original point is that those in the situations of being separated & living-with-soon-to-be-officially-ex-spouse see "not as bad as others" = "just fine for real dating" (which is laughable).

Bottom line is you don't want to be judged. Okay, fine. Some people will, and technically, yeah, that is going too far. But not everyone is going to judge YOU and your situation specifically -- but still be wise to walk away. You're a SOMEONE, and they're judging the PROBABILITY of the someones, which you fall into, and that's all they really know about -- and that probability is very very very very high.

Here's the thing that you don't agree with:

YOU have the burden of proof (of convincing), not the other person. Your position is that the other person would have to prove that you're NOT in a real datable situation, but sorry to say, that's untrue. You act as if living+separated situations have a decent shot at not being a problem when it comes to dating (for you or for the 'new' person), and that it's a low-blow to assume a high probability that it's messed up with you (as if the world revolves around ya?). You would have to prove to them that it's NOT a problem any more than if you were divorced and living on opposite ends of town for 5 years. Guess what? You really can't. It'd take too much time for someone to invest with you to be convinced, if it were even true. And you have to understand this -- it is RARE for it being situational for real dating, and too many people in that situation don't think it is a problem but come to find out that it is, too. You have the burden of proof because of the lopsided, massive % chance of it being clearly defunct for a real relationship, given that situation.

But why would someone be obligated to have to sit thru a jury trial of getting to know someone who's living & separated with someone to figure out that it TRULY is one of those rare, rare, rare cases where it's not? And why would it be their obligation to have to be okay with you living with someone you've porked for so long but are on a (knock on wood) hiatus away from each other intimately? You do realize MANY MANY people separated/divorced have NSA hookups while single afterwards, especially if things aren't that "bad" between them, right?

Nobody looking for a real dating situation should waste their time with someone living with an unofficial-ex/soon-to-be-official-ex. That's insane to call them jumping to conclusions if they don't want to deal with that.

Hypothetical Example A: I hit it off with a gal, we go out for several months with tons of hot sex. BUT she loses her job, and has to move in with someone and it's me... but we agree not to date anymore because we both don't believe in living together before engagement or marriage, and wouldn't want to ruin things for a potential future thing if one were to ever happen. So we both become relatively comfortable after a little while of being just roomates and NOT going out... and I go out on the dating scene and say "Yeah, I'm living with my ex. Oh, don't worry, we're just friends. I can't live with someone I've only porked for months, and not years... so we decided to be just friends. It's cool.... why won't you date me?!" In this case, I'm a moron for not just thinking but "knowing" that there's nothing potentially there anymore, and that nobody should think otherwise. Example of others knowing better than me, even though they're not in my position.

Hypothetical Example B: I travel to another state very frequently for work, and am thinking of moving there. I meet a girl, and tell her that I'm travelling and don't live there... but thinking of moving there, and I have work connections there, and all that. She shys away from me. Why doesn't she give me a chance?? Duh -- she owes no chances to strangers at all. Chances are given to someone you're ALREADY dating or have gotten to know. Now, I could prove to her that I'm there 4 days every 2 weeks, and that a co-worker who lives there has viewed apartments with me... and everyone at work knows I'm aiming to live there, too. But guess what? I can't be pissed that a gal isn't going to consider me as a mate and invest emotions in that -- many get emotionally disappointed... and I certainly can't get pissed if a gal says "email me when you move out here, you seem cool, but until then, I can't date you, sorry."

Hypothetical Example C: A gal who's pregnant and wanting to date. She claims she has no baggage of ex's, it isn't nearly as bad as the stereotype assumptions people will dish out... she believes that she "deserves" to date and all guys she has interest in "deserves" to give her a chance (never mind the ones she doesn't like).... and she feeds off of over-extreme bashing to make herself believe that everyone has it wrong, thus she's in a just-fine position to date. Sure, for pregnant gals, she could be in an optimal situation.... of gals who are pregnant in the dating scene, though.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 150
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/12/2009 12:24:25 AM
forumrum,

Here's a better way to put what people are opposing you on... and I think this is the way they see things and it being more than just a technicality that you're still married...

It's not the same as "normally" being married. I think everyone will agree. You totally have that point -- it's far and away from being classified as a generic married couple by any stretch. BUT, so is a married couple who have been living in separate rooms for 10 years and have never had any intimacy, either. There's REALLY not much difference between the "we won't divorce; we have no intimacy" people who go online looking to date than someone who's separated and living with someone thru the foreseeable future -- in practicality terms, if we're talking about that!

Separately... it's not so much that you're truly married -- it's that you still are technically, meaning that there's BAGGAGE. BAGGAGE. It's not about the legal ramifications, as making-out/sleeping-with someone who's separated brings no legal ill-will.... it's the drama that ensues. Nobody should believe someone else that their separated husband/wife will be okay sitting in the living room while their still-spouse-by-technicality yells "Fvck me harder! Come on me!" with the bed creaking. Come on, let's be serious.

And last but not least, let's forget marriage, and go with this analogy. You meet someone and they say they're single and they JUST broke up. But you find out thru others they broke up last week. Yeah, technically, it's a breakup, and technically they're not going out, but sorry -- looking for real dating? Don't go there. Could it ever work out with you and he/she? Yes, but chances are, even if it does, there will be porking going on between those two behind the scenes if they live near each other and stay in touch, etc., before things are truly established between you and he/she.

One can say "But MY situation is like -this-, and everyone assumes -that-....", yeah, but most of the time when people think that, THEY don't know how datable of a situation they're in, and also -- most people in a situation of living with/close-to an ex/semi-ex, still sleep with them NSA and/or baggage. Doesn't necessarily mean YOU are, just as it doesn't necessarily mean someone who's pregnant and out on the dating scene doesn't carry any outside baggage themselves. It's just not worth someone else's time to find out the ifs.
 Mrpbody44
Joined: 10/21/2009
Msg: 152
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/12/2009 2:16:18 PM
My wife and I have been separated for 3 years. We have separate rooms. I travel for work and I am gone 2 weeks or more a month. I own the house and she has been looking for a job for over a year since finishing Grad school. The home is in the country and I don't date women in my area any way. Should I kick her out of the house? Does not make much sense to me. We are still friends. I don't hate her but don't love her any more. Why make her life harder by telling her to leave the house with out a job.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 153
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/22/2009 8:51:46 AM
Mrpbody ^^^^^^^^^,

If you're in that situation, no, you shouldn't make your life harder to kick her out jobless. But by the same token, you can't have your cake and eat it too, expecting to date women in the area or even expecting any women to be cool with dating you while you do live in the same house as you someday-to-be ex.

I think if you're traveling a lot to another location for work and are gone half the time, that makes things easier for girls out there. But at the same time, you can't expect girls to want something serious while you are living with a WIFE back in the country. I think that's the problem people have.

Heck, you can still get a divorce and still have your ACTUAL ex still live with you for a while as she finishes off grad school. If you two are friends, and it's been over a year, there's no reason why you have to still be legally "separated".

You can't expect anyone to believe 100% that say, a girlfriend you broke up with yesterday carries no emotional weight with you, even though that would be possible, and you said so to them. You can't expect anyone to believe that there is ZERO NSA sexual relations once in a while between you and your wife, when you two refuse to get an official divorce and live in the same house... or even DO have separate bedrooms.

But I think all that applies to folks looking for a tride and true relationship. For casual on-goings or even flings? I don't think it'd be an issue at all for you when you're in the outside area.
 MsWinter
Joined: 9/18/2010
Msg: 156
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History
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 8/14/2011 5:12:11 AM
If a man who is separated and living with wife is looking for a date ,he is looking for the sext GF to take care of him and get financial aid from her. Better run....
 Pinayto
Joined: 2/5/2011
Msg: 159
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 8/14/2011 8:26:10 AM
Even though evillady cant read it anymore just wanna say wow you're a riot. To OP: oh ya I believe him and so Im going....
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