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Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 143
separated but still living together... to believe or notPage 7 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Life is about living and enjoying your ride, not about taking risks.

Must be that different strokes for different folks thang, yanno? I would have said that the *only* thing life was about is taking risks. . . . A baby who never takes a risk doesn't even learn how to walk. . . .

Jus' me. . . .

Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 146
view profile
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/10/2009 11:25:09 PM
Sun Devil 92 wrote:
Separated is not married.
It is. You're legally married.... but you're still legally married.

Eh, this must be from my days as an English major, or maybe a flashback from those HORRID analogy questions from the SATs etc., but it's not. Well, yes, it is. Separated is, effectively, married but in the process of ending it. But it's a legal thing.

I have a slightly off-kilter view of that because I'm in NJ and apparently they don't have an official "separated" in NJ matrimonial law. On the other hand, I'm told that there's some sort of 18-month wait, but I've never been able to confirm that, since my divorce took about 2 years overall.

Sun Devil 92 wrote:
I want to be able to focus on the woman with as minimum distractions as possible. I don't know how the heck you do that in the middle of a divorce. I'm sorry, but you can say it is just "a piece of paper" over and over - however you're still haven't ended your old relationship yet because while you're still in the process of getting that divorced, and thus the ex is still going to be in your life if solely due to the court system.

I understand the sentiment, but following that logic, having children then eliminates the ability to have a relationship for the next 20 years. Until my son becomes an emancipated adult, the ex is going to be in my life in some form or another.

BUT . . at least in my example, she was no more in my life during the separation than she is now.

(by the way, I don't want you to get the impression that I'm arguing with you - actually you've probably made me do more thinking on this than most posts)
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 148
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/11/2009 12:13:45 AM
Okay, NotElvis, in my belated response, I will grant you that one's situation of being separated & living with someone doesn't always have to be the WORST situation as others are pointing out, however, my original point is that those in the situations of being separated & living-with-soon-to-be-officially-ex-spouse see "not as bad as others" = "just fine for real dating" (which is laughable).

Bottom line is you don't want to be judged. Okay, fine. Some people will, and technically, yeah, that is going too far. But not everyone is going to judge YOU and your situation specifically -- but still be wise to walk away. You're a SOMEONE, and they're judging the PROBABILITY of the someones, which you fall into, and that's all they really know about -- and that probability is very very very very high.

Here's the thing that you don't agree with:

YOU have the burden of proof (of convincing), not the other person. Your position is that the other person would have to prove that you're NOT in a real datable situation, but sorry to say, that's untrue. You act as if living+separated situations have a decent shot at not being a problem when it comes to dating (for you or for the 'new' person), and that it's a low-blow to assume a high probability that it's messed up with you (as if the world revolves around ya?). You would have to prove to them that it's NOT a problem any more than if you were divorced and living on opposite ends of town for 5 years. Guess what? You really can't. It'd take too much time for someone to invest with you to be convinced, if it were even true. And you have to understand this -- it is RARE for it being situational for real dating, and too many people in that situation don't think it is a problem but come to find out that it is, too. You have the burden of proof because of the lopsided, massive % chance of it being clearly defunct for a real relationship, given that situation.

But why would someone be obligated to have to sit thru a jury trial of getting to know someone who's living & separated with someone to figure out that it TRULY is one of those rare, rare, rare cases where it's not? And why would it be their obligation to have to be okay with you living with someone you've porked for so long but are on a (knock on wood) hiatus away from each other intimately? You do realize MANY MANY people separated/divorced have NSA hookups while single afterwards, especially if things aren't that "bad" between them, right?

Nobody looking for a real dating situation should waste their time with someone living with an unofficial-ex/soon-to-be-official-ex. That's insane to call them jumping to conclusions if they don't want to deal with that.

Hypothetical Example A: I hit it off with a gal, we go out for several months with tons of hot sex. BUT she loses her job, and has to move in with someone and it's me... but we agree not to date anymore because we both don't believe in living together before engagement or marriage, and wouldn't want to ruin things for a potential future thing if one were to ever happen. So we both become relatively comfortable after a little while of being just roomates and NOT going out... and I go out on the dating scene and say "Yeah, I'm living with my ex. Oh, don't worry, we're just friends. I can't live with someone I've only porked for months, and not years... so we decided to be just friends. It's cool.... why won't you date me?!" In this case, I'm a moron for not just thinking but "knowing" that there's nothing potentially there anymore, and that nobody should think otherwise. Example of others knowing better than me, even though they're not in my position.

Hypothetical Example B: I travel to another state very frequently for work, and am thinking of moving there. I meet a girl, and tell her that I'm travelling and don't live there... but thinking of moving there, and I have work connections there, and all that. She shys away from me. Why doesn't she give me a chance?? Duh -- she owes no chances to strangers at all. Chances are given to someone you're ALREADY dating or have gotten to know. Now, I could prove to her that I'm there 4 days every 2 weeks, and that a co-worker who lives there has viewed apartments with me... and everyone at work knows I'm aiming to live there, too. But guess what? I can't be pissed that a gal isn't going to consider me as a mate and invest emotions in that -- many get emotionally disappointed... and I certainly can't get pissed if a gal says "email me when you move out here, you seem cool, but until then, I can't date you, sorry."

Hypothetical Example C: A gal who's pregnant and wanting to date. She claims she has no baggage of ex's, it isn't nearly as bad as the stereotype assumptions people will dish out... she believes that she "deserves" to date and all guys she has interest in "deserves" to give her a chance (never mind the ones she doesn't like).... and she feeds off of over-extreme bashing to make herself believe that everyone has it wrong, thus she's in a just-fine position to date. Sure, for pregnant gals, she could be in an optimal situation.... of gals who are pregnant in the dating scene, though.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 150
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/12/2009 12:24:25 AM

Here's a better way to put what people are opposing you on... and I think this is the way they see things and it being more than just a technicality that you're still married...

It's not the same as "normally" being married. I think everyone will agree. You totally have that point -- it's far and away from being classified as a generic married couple by any stretch. BUT, so is a married couple who have been living in separate rooms for 10 years and have never had any intimacy, either. There's REALLY not much difference between the "we won't divorce; we have no intimacy" people who go online looking to date than someone who's separated and living with someone thru the foreseeable future -- in practicality terms, if we're talking about that!

Separately... it's not so much that you're truly married -- it's that you still are technically, meaning that there's BAGGAGE. BAGGAGE. It's not about the legal ramifications, as making-out/sleeping-with someone who's separated brings no legal ill-will.... it's the drama that ensues. Nobody should believe someone else that their separated husband/wife will be okay sitting in the living room while their still-spouse-by-technicality yells "Fvck me harder! Come on me!" with the bed creaking. Come on, let's be serious.

And last but not least, let's forget marriage, and go with this analogy. You meet someone and they say they're single and they JUST broke up. But you find out thru others they broke up last week. Yeah, technically, it's a breakup, and technically they're not going out, but sorry -- looking for real dating? Don't go there. Could it ever work out with you and he/she? Yes, but chances are, even if it does, there will be porking going on between those two behind the scenes if they live near each other and stay in touch, etc., before things are truly established between you and he/she.

One can say "But MY situation is like -this-, and everyone assumes -that-....", yeah, but most of the time when people think that, THEY don't know how datable of a situation they're in, and also -- most people in a situation of living with/close-to an ex/semi-ex, still sleep with them NSA and/or baggage. Doesn't necessarily mean YOU are, just as it doesn't necessarily mean someone who's pregnant and out on the dating scene doesn't carry any outside baggage themselves. It's just not worth someone else's time to find out the ifs.
Joined: 10/21/2009
Msg: 152
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/12/2009 2:16:18 PM
My wife and I have been separated for 3 years. We have separate rooms. I travel for work and I am gone 2 weeks or more a month. I own the house and she has been looking for a job for over a year since finishing Grad school. The home is in the country and I don't date women in my area any way. Should I kick her out of the house? Does not make much sense to me. We are still friends. I don't hate her but don't love her any more. Why make her life harder by telling her to leave the house with out a job.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 153
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 11/22/2009 8:51:46 AM
Mrpbody ^^^^^^^^^,

If you're in that situation, no, you shouldn't make your life harder to kick her out jobless. But by the same token, you can't have your cake and eat it too, expecting to date women in the area or even expecting any women to be cool with dating you while you do live in the same house as you someday-to-be ex.

I think if you're traveling a lot to another location for work and are gone half the time, that makes things easier for girls out there. But at the same time, you can't expect girls to want something serious while you are living with a WIFE back in the country. I think that's the problem people have.

Heck, you can still get a divorce and still have your ACTUAL ex still live with you for a while as she finishes off grad school. If you two are friends, and it's been over a year, there's no reason why you have to still be legally "separated".

You can't expect anyone to believe 100% that say, a girlfriend you broke up with yesterday carries no emotional weight with you, even though that would be possible, and you said so to them. You can't expect anyone to believe that there is ZERO NSA sexual relations once in a while between you and your wife, when you two refuse to get an official divorce and live in the same house... or even DO have separate bedrooms.

But I think all that applies to folks looking for a tride and true relationship. For casual on-goings or even flings? I don't think it'd be an issue at all for you when you're in the outside area.
Joined: 9/18/2010
Msg: 156
view profile
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 8/14/2011 5:12:11 AM
If a man who is separated and living with wife is looking for a date ,he is looking for the sext GF to take care of him and get financial aid from her. Better run....
Joined: 2/5/2011
Msg: 159
separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 8/14/2011 8:26:10 AM
Even though evillady cant read it anymore just wanna say wow you're a riot. To OP: oh ya I believe him and so Im going....
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