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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?      Home login  
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 Stormwolf
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 26
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HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

YOU CAN’T. It’s that simple. That’s like asking “how can I go swimming without getting wet?’

Pure. IMO, be honest even if it seems cruel and don't delay another moment.
Trying to be "nice" may leave the person with false hope and only make matters
worse. The sooner the breakup, the sooner the person can start to move on.

Good post OP.
 NYCman530
Joined: 7/6/2009
Msg: 27
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HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 6:35:03 PM
There's nothing one can do to totally avoid causing the other one pain, but perhaps there's a way to minimize it some. He can tell her "Look, we've had some great times together, but there's some important issues I need to address and I must have time alone from everyone for a while in order to do so." Then she might feel she doesn't have to blame herself.
 ColorsOutsideTheLines
Joined: 8/27/2008
Msg: 28
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 6:59:18 PM
Well, since I was walked out on......after giving my all, and loving unconditionally, I was thinking of getting that book.........."Why Men Marry Biotches".

I know Someone above who could no doubt write her own.

Beware men, use em and lose em at it's finest.
 handsoflove
Joined: 10/26/2009
Msg: 29
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:34:29 AM
First, he's a liar and a coward. We'll get back to that.

The way a relationship works is when people are honest and they enjoy being together. People can sense when something is wrong. What is wrong might go without saying but it's still there. In a bad relationship even when it starts good, people hide who they are and what they think and feel. They have reasons for hiding. There can't be any hiding for a relationship to be good.

So after a while of hiding and pretending things get bad enough to call it off. The hurt comes from hearing your faith was betrayed. The woman would be hurt by finding out he had these hidden thoughts and feelings, while she was hoping for the best and not pressing him to be honest and open.

She doesn't want that relationship, either, once she knows how it was for him. She doesn't want a relationship where the guy is holding back like that, hiding from her.

He should forget about ending the relationship and instead focus on ending the lie. End the lie first then see what happens. He should tell her that he has been afraid, holding back how he really thinks, and pretending. He should tell her he doesn't know how to be open and honest with a woman. He should tell her he knows that he doesn't know how to have a good relationship. Once he tells her that, if she wants to stop seeing him she will feel good about it. She won't be "hurt" by his dumping her, she will be hearing for the first time what he really thinks. Then it will make sense to her why they shouldn't see each other any more. She can feel good about finding that out. She can tell him why she doesn't want to see him any more, since he is a liar and a coward. And he can work on telling the truth and living with his heart out in the open, like people should.
 sonofabiscuit2
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 30
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HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:36:56 AM
I think you all are being a bit harsh on startle, she's got a sense of humor at least.

The reality is yes you can break up with someone without hurting their feelings, but you can't go in expecting not to. Being honest and open is your best bet, be concerned, but at the same time be clear that it is over. If the person is mature they'll see there is obviously a reason for the break-up and agree without being distraught. It's not like there aren't two people witnessing the same problems in the relationship. I find that problems usually arise when one person isn't aware of the problem, is immature or completely oblivious due to substance abuse.
 bobbajobba
Joined: 4/28/2009
Msg: 31
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/30/2009 1:32:18 PM
He must introduce her to someone who is richer, funner, and better in bed than he is, i.e, his best friend (she & the best friend are convinced of this anyway so let's give it a whirl). It's always nice to help a lady take a step up in the world.
She, in turn, can reciprocate the favor by setting her ex up w/ her best friend (who knows she is hotter and sxier than her gf w/ the new relationship could ever be) once the new relationship gets going, realizing as she does that it's always nice to help a gentleman take a step up in the world.
That way there is no pain. everybody comes out a winner, and old friendships are reinvigorated and maintained with a vengeance :()
 Thaddal
Joined: 10/23/2009
Msg: 32
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/30/2009 4:28:30 PM
Simple...he needs to let her know that...he's not being fair to her by staying in the relationship...she deserves to have the love of a man and relationship that she so much desires...and he also needs to be fair to himself...if..and if..she truly loves him...his happiness should be what is most important to her...wether that is with her...or someone else....
Just know that... An honorable man knows when to walk away....and he will not settle for less than he deserves....
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 33
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HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/30/2009 4:36:38 PM
I think you're right.

The best way to avoid causing unnecessary pain is to go about your relationships carefully in the first place. Don't get involved with people you shouldn't, don't mislead anyone.

It's one thing to give it a chance when you're having doubts. We all have doubts at times and it doesn't mean we should immediately back out. However, at the point you realize it's time to go, you are only prolonging the situation the more you delay.
 quietcowboy
Joined: 12/25/2007
Msg: 34
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HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/30/2009 5:05:11 PM
I don't think you can break up with someone that cares about you with out causing pain. You can do it in away that you feel would best if they were breaking up with you.

There isn't a good way to get sick, break up, get fired, or die only ways that lessen the pain.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 35
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HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:22:43 PM
When there's been attachment, a breakup will always cause pain. But that pain can be alleviated by such statements as "it's not you, it's me" or "it's nothing you did wrong...this relationship has just run its course" or "I need to discover myself" or something along those lines that assuages any blame.
 Green Eyed Doll
Joined: 2/2/2009
Msg: 36
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:25:58 PM
The short answer is, you can't. There is going to be some degree of hurt when he tells her, but he should tell her.
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 37
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:04:03 PM
i don't want to ruin my reputation on pof ...but i have never used the steven king method of breaking up on someone...i merely answered in a hypothetical way...the reason is...why pray tell is everyone on here so deadpan...is it because the very thought of losing a love drive you bonkers...i mean do you have no choices, no prospects...is someone breaking up with you an actual problem...do you cling to everyone you meet for dear life...did you ever think maybe that is the reason he left...allow people to breathe...give them their space...suffocation is uncomfortable...
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 38
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:51:48 PM
“Your vicious rantings & assumptions are so far off, that I am not even going to address your ludicrous statements. What a horribly bitter person you have turned out to be. I hope I never get to that dark place you are in.”

But is she so far off? Have you returned your ex’s favorite t-shirt or are you still proud that it bothers him that you have it?

While we are responsible for our own reactions this does not give us the right to think of ourselves as blameless when we deliberately hurt or bait others.
 My-Immortal
Joined: 10/23/2009
Msg: 39
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/31/2009 12:16:26 AM
I would never stay with someone out of guilt. I might be careful as to how I break up with them, but, I would not stay there under sufferance.
 Wiyan
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 40
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/31/2009 12:40:08 AM
Pretty wise advice--I would add that you will hurt her some, but worse if you prevent her from her next more meant to be adventure, and leaving her may help her to face her own stuff and grow and heal
 WalkingInLondon
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 41
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/31/2009 3:21:09 AM
Only if she hates you to begin with.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 42
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HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 11/9/2009 4:20:42 PM

i don't want to ruin my reputation on pof ...but i have never used the steven king method of breaking up on someone...i merely answered in a hypothetical way...the reason is...why pray tell is everyone on here so deadpan...is it because the very thought of losing a love drive you bonkers...i mean do you have no choices, no prospects...is someone breaking up with you an actual problem...do you cling to everyone you meet for dear life...did you ever think maybe that is the reason he left...allow people to breathe...give them their space...suffocation is uncomfortable...


I got it and I thought you were brilliant.

There's a film, "Truly, Madly, Deeply," about a dead husband who comes back to his grieving wife and gradually irritates the heck out of her in order to help her get over her loss.
 yew4ic
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 43
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 11/9/2009 5:51:10 PM
Kpooks[[[[[When there's been attachment, a breakup will always cause pain. But that pain can be alleviated by such statements as "it's not you, it's me" or "it's nothing you did wrong...this relationship has just run its course" or "I need to discover myself" or something along those lines that assuages any blame.]]]]]]


All of which are bullshit, lol. There will always be pain in every break up. I think it's best to tell the person exactly what went wrong and get it over with. But that's just me.
 acuddler
Joined: 10/30/2009
Msg: 44
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 11/15/2009 5:19:14 PM
If the person cares for you you can not break up with them without hurting them. So what? Pain is a big part of what life is all about. It is part of the learning process. If you have cause to break up with someone, break up with them. The surgeon's knife is kinder than letting a cancer grow out of control. Hurting can be helping. It is certainly kinder than staying with someone you don't love, and lieing to her, and making her think you do love her. How does such dishonesty effect your self esteem? Grow some cajones, and cut the cord. That is what I would tell such a deceitful fool.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 45
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 11/8/2016 7:32:09 PM

HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?


Set them up with someone nicer and better looking than you.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 46
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 11/9/2016 8:33:18 AM
If they have feelings for you, the only way to break up without causing pain is to get them to break up with you.... he who rejects feels better about it............ so take all your skeletons out of the closet........ tell them you have another lover, work as a hitman for the mafia, or have something catching!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 47
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 11/9/2016 10:12:35 AM
Lesson one is not ignore red flags, and think "I can change the person and mold him/her into what I want as an ideal mate. It might take time, but I can do it." Lesson two is to walk away as soon as you get a feeling things aren't going to end well. It's easier to get over a break-up if there wasn't much time invested. Too many people hang on for too long, hoping a magical fairy will show up someday and make everything better.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 48
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 11/12/2016 10:45:22 AM
LOL Fullmoonguy, extra time on your hands?

Any "Break" is gonna cause some pain, unless it's "break"-fast. Waffles anyone?
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 49
HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 11/12/2016 11:31:54 AM

LOL Fullmoonguy, extra time on your hands?


Yes, cleaning the cobwebs out of my inbox went faster than expected.
 diaboloacetin
Joined: 12/20/2014
Msg: 50
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HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 11/12/2016 1:53:33 PM
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