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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 151
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time? Page 7 of 54    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)

No I never said we are wired to get laid and women are not. of course there are women that just want sex, just as there are men who want marriage.

It was insinuated. There wasn't a word in there to indicate a partial amount.

However you cannot argue about the differences between the two genders. Women are wired when they mate- that they become pregnant and fall off the market at least for 9 months several times in their lives. Women are also wired for their bodies to stop reproducing in their 40s.

Women who mate are having sex, IMO. Men who mate are doing the same. Dating and pairing off? Different. Assuming a woman wants a relationship, marriage and/or children women are simply out of commission during pregnancy (and even that doesn't stop some, the hormones get worse for a lot of women during) - that has nothing to do with how women are wired. Women over 40 have pretty strong sex drives also, so I'm not sure what age has to do with anything either.

Men never have a "down time" because they are pregnant and we can mate with many women while perhaps our 'primary' mate could be pregnant. We are also able to reproduce and have the 'drive' to reproduce over a lifetime because we can. These is (ARE) a simple matter of genetic differents between the genders.

You watch an awful lot of National Geographic/Animal Planet. You know we've evolved in the last couple hundred years, right? Who cares if you "can" - it's more about if you should.

most men are almost always in a frame of mind to pair off, even if nothing in the room really does it for us. if it is offered- most will accept. I believe more so than women.

Why is that? It's exhausting to try and comprehend, and annoying to deal with from a woman's standpoint. Isn't there anything else to do once in a while?

Well- I have not yet seen a thread here started by a man that says "I'm not gonna stay in a relationship with a woman, unless marriage is on the horizon at some point. I'm not going to let her just milk the cow..."

Yet all the threads we do see are started by women.

Women tend to talk out issues more, and women aren't as afraid of what someone'll think if they post something like that. I'm sure more men go through that than would like to admit - but won't dare post it/bring it up in conversation because their peers would give them a man card lecture.

of course I am not speaking in absolutes...but I still believe that more women than men push for marriage.

I believe that as a man it would serve you better to believe it, so you tend to percieve it that way.

I still believe and most everyone I would believe agrees that an average woman can go out any night of the week and get a guy in her "normal league" every night of the week to have sex with- with fairly minimal effort.

Again that's not the point. Who cares how many women can get laid if they want to if they choose not to? Who cares that men don't want to sleep with women they don't like? The dependency for men tends to be greater, for whatever reason. Bottom line is both sexes can get laid if they want to.

For an average man to do the same thing- I do not believe that he can every night of the week get a woman in his "normal league" to sex him.

Laid is laid. Leagues, motivation and all that don't matter. What matters is it's possible to do.

That's why we never hear of women spiking guys drinks with roofies...or buying guys drinks to get them to have sex with them on a given night.

Women are less 'desparate' as a gender for it, because they know they do not have to be...

Which leads us back to validating the slut versus a stud argument...

So you're saying women ARE wired like men but have better options? Make up your mind. Truth is most women are less desperate for it because they place less importance on the sex vs. who it's with and under what circumstances. Most of us would rather not date or have sex at all if we don't like our options, and we don't all lose sleep over how long we'll be single because of it.

One things for sure, you could put a man in a room with 100 women and i'll guarantee you there would be 8 or 10 we'd be glad to go home with. Some women may be that picky that they couldn't find one out of 100 they would be interested in. To men that idea is as foreign and illogical as a cow speaking latin. Just doesn't compute.

It's possible that out of 100 men we'd find a few we were "ok" about but not over the top...and most of us would forego it altogether unless we really had attraction to a guy. Moreso however, men are more backdrop for a lot of women than a goal for being out anywhere, so unless we have some attraction or interest in a particular guy we happen to see in our travels, most blend into the scenery.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 152
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how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/14/2010 9:17:44 PM
First of all, I work in a law firm that does domestic law...and I can say from my personal examples at work, the one who files first( which is mainly where the official stats come from), is not always, or even most often, the one who wants the divorce..men, as a whole. at least where I am, are less likely to file first..unless they have a new girlfriend already, and need things to move along...and I see and talk to as many women who are in pain about the situation as I see men...and I see quite a few who come to talk, but, don't want to act yet...of both genders..the saddest are those who write on the client info sheet...my (husband or wife) wants a divorce...

I think it was Mr Evil who said women weren't admitting they initiated break ups..I thought about this a long time ago when I first saw it mentioned on a thread here...it had never occurred to me before...but, I am hard pressed to remember when a guy initiated a break up in any long term relationships...a few of the short term ones, but, most of those it was heading in that direction anyway..and I thought about why...

Though individual circumstances varied, with the exception of one guy when I was young who I caught cheating on me with an underage girl, it basically boiled down to futility...I actually tried to fix what was wrong, and tried to talk about it...I was mainly dismissed or my feelings trivialized..in my marriage...we spent two years in marriage counseling, after several years of us both being unhappy. I believed in marriage forever, and so did my ex husband...in every instance I spent a long time trying to make it better, I didn't one day just wake up and want to split...

My ex husband and I, even with counseling, still things were not improving...and he wasn't happy either....yet, when I asked for the divorce, he didn't want it, and suddenly tried to repair things that were beyond repair at that point...here is the interesting thing from the horses mouth..several years after the divorce he thanked me for initiating...he said that he would have stuck it out forever, and would have never asked for a divorce, not matter how unhappy he was...I think this is a personality difference between many men and women...

I knew I had to ask, because as far as he was generally concerned...things were acceptable...whatever his complaints were , he could live with them, to keep what he did like...I , however, could not live anymore with what was basically my main complaint: disregard for my feelings, and the total feeling of being seen as really not all that important to him, I felt I was maybe 5th or 6th on his list on good days...plus, the working six days a week, and also doing all the housework, cooking, and handling the finances...and being told that I "didn't pull my weight" in the relationship because I didn't make as much money as him...sigh...

Him and I were very good friends for over seven years before we actually decided to date, and in the end it was really about two things: being mismatched, and having expectations of each other that we never talked about before hand, and assumed the other party implicitly understood...we remain friends, and in hindsight should have kept it there all along...he is not a bad guy, he just wasn't the guy for me...and he is happily remarried to a woman more like what he wanted all along, and has apologized for the more hurtful things that happened...he says he learned from me, how not to be with women...I guess that is a back handed compliment?..lol..

There was no man waiting, in fact, I didn't even date for a couple of years after the divorce..I probably had some fairy tale ideas about love at the time ( I was young..), but, I don't think I wanted anything from him that was unrealistic...just to feel like I mattered to him, and what I felt had importance to me even if he didn't understand it himself..we both had some unrealistic expectations of each other. I also think many men imagine what they think women want, and don't listen to what we are really saying..you live and learn...I do not regret the divorce, and neither does he..so, in the end, I made the right decision for both of us..

So , while I'm sure there are women who are looking for greener grass, or , who want things that are unrealistic... I don't believe it is true of all women, and I believe more women may initiate than men because they get to some point where the hope is gone, and nothing has worked to try and fix it...and they see no reason to live that way anymore...and because men seem to be more willing, for whatever reason, to stay beyond that point...

I don't think either position is more "evil" than the other, just different...and optimist, glass half full/believer that more people mean well than don't...most of the time neither party has some conscious, deliberate motive to make the other miserable or hurt them..we are just human, and sometimes, even with the best intentions, we fail to be or do our best...

JMO, of course...lol..

EDIT to add:


So you're saying women ARE wired like men but have better options? Make up your mind. Truth is most women are less desperate for it because they place less importance on the sex vs. who it's with and under what circumstances. Most of us would rather not date or have sex at all if we don't like our options, and we don't all lose sleep over how long we'll be single because of it.


That's the best way I've ever heard it expressed WIP, thanks...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 153
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/14/2010 9:39:34 PM
^^^Don't marriages where women don't work result in men paying child support? In other words women who make more than the guys they marry are the ones paying should the father get custody of the kids especially...not sure if that's true but in my area it's based on income mostly.

I have a couple friends who got divorced and had to pay their soon to be ex husbands because they were the ones making the big money - and these women kept sole custody of the kids, so the men not only walked, but got paid to do so.

I don't think it's women who get everything so much as the person who makes more - so I have to ask why men having to pay when divorcing married women who make less or don't work?
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 154
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how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/14/2010 9:52:32 PM
I am sorry if that bust anyone's bubble but the percentages are correct.

It clearly shows the women are the ones to give up on a relationship the most. Some may have had good reasons. However the facts are the facts.


Percentages are nothing but numbers, they most certainly do not show that women give up on a relationship, they only prove that women are the first to act. Perhaps they show that women are less lazy, or perhaps they show that women are more likely to be honest, or less likely to put up with being mistreated. Your conclusion is nothing more than your interpretation of the numbers, clearly showing nothing more than that.

As for communication, well, there is no such thing as communicating AT. Communication goes two ways. If one is unable to communicate, perhaps that is why the breakup occurs.


Cool!!! About time!!! Now tell all the other cheating women that are stay at home moms the same, Their time is coming! Movement started...


How sad, your reaction. I have to tell you, I don't hear that attitude in real life, and the divorced men that I have met don't seem to feel that way, nor do the majority believe that there is a plethora of cheating stay at home moms; as a matter of fact, I was a stay at home mom for several years, and I wouldn't have had the time to cheat even if I'd thought about it.. They acknowledge that the breakup of a marriage is often a sad, emotionally draining experience, not at all about the money. Perhaps I have simply been lucky to have dated those less vindictive, less bitter & less focused on the dollar. Lucky me, I guess.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 155
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/14/2010 10:04:15 PM
Not everytime a man breaks up with a woman is because the woman/wife cheated on him.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 156
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how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/14/2010 10:20:11 PM

I have a couple friends who got divorced and had to pay their soon to be ex husbands because they were the ones making the big money - and these women kept sole custody of the kids, so the men not only walked, but got paid to do so.

I *suspect* you are mixing spousal support and child support together. Child support is paid by the NCP based on their income and - here in Canada anyway, the CP's income isn't considered in the equation. (Special expenses an exception paid on a pro-rata income basis). Spousal support is paid by the higher income earning partner to the other. Sometimes it's a wash, sometimes not.

Regardless of the law, a lower percentage of men pursue spousal support and child support. A higher percentage of women default on payments owed.
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 157
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/14/2010 10:22:29 PM

Percentages are nothing but numbers, they most certainly do not show that women give up on a relationship, they only prove that women are the first to act. Perhaps they show that women are less lazy, or perhaps they show that women are more likely to be honest, or less likely to put up with being mistreated. Your conclusion is nothing more than your interpretation of the numbers, clearly showing nothing more than that.

As for communication, well, there is no such thing as communicating AT. Communication goes two ways. If one is unable to communicate, perhaps that is why the breakup occurs.


Thank you for making both of my points.
First.... The women file first filing means they are the one ready to dissolve the relationship. If you read my post I said some may have good reason. The fact is women file way more than men.

Second....On the communication that was my point women tend to communicate AT men not with men. So of course that is not true communication.
I can't count the times when trying to talk to a woman she would not listen to reason. Then when their idea blows up in their face they tried to turn it around on me.
I am in no way saying all women are like this but there are way more women doing this than men.
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 158
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/14/2010 10:31:14 PM
OK here we go. Now it's time for the horsesh1t to start! I know, I know it's partially my fault for giving the women some credit for smarts. My bad.

First off, don't even go there with that women paying the guys sh1t, meaning alimony.

Go look at the stats available on most government sites. The ratio of paying is men 10 to women 1, if your lucky, I don't think it's that high. Next look at the child support numbers, men pay nearly 80% of the time, women barely make it to 40%. For all the talk of deadbeat dads, nobody and I mean nobody ever refers to the appalling rate of deficit moms on this.

"Percentages are nothing but numbers"

"Perhaps they show that women are less lazy. or perhaps they show that women are more likely to be honest, or less likely to put up with being mistreated."

Oh boo fuking hoo. This is the kind of bullsh1t that makes me pizzed. If women were less lazy, they'd try harder to get into marriage counciling, not listening to jane next door about who the best divorce lawyer is in town. Yes let's talk about fuking honesty, maffers wife cheated, so did mine, so what's so honest about that? As for vindictive, are you kidding me? Who hasn't seen a woman go into court with her lawyer with a scortched earth policy about the guy's life. Yeah maybe a few women on here didn't, I'll believe it when I see the court transcripts!

Frankly lady, you've never spent a week in divorce court, seeing the parade of guys, being run over the grill. Not 1 case, not 2 but 10 or 15. Do some women get screwed, yeah they do. But the numbers go far more one way than the other. Try it some time, then come back and tell us about the equality of the justice system in divorce.

As for abuse, no one shoud be abused man or woman alike. In those cases, yeah the guy should catch the shaft.

Look I said men were at fault many times for not fixing it, when it STARTED to go wrong and communicating. That doesn't mean you women are without fault in some of this. Please lets hear about the many men you know who are vindictive! Sorry that's a womans trait, always has been, always will be. Most guys just want to get on with their life once the process is started, it's the women who say "let me get my pound of flesh!"

Damn, give them credit for some smarts, then they go and say sh1t that isn't so.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 159
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how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/14/2010 10:53:16 PM
Mr. Evil I agree with most of what you have said but my ex was the vindictive one. He threatened me if I left with HIS kids he would "fight dirty". He took me to court claiming I was crazy and cost us both $1000's in unnecessary fees for lawyers and psychology bills.




Look I said men were at fault many times for not fixing it, when it STARTED to go wrong and communicating. That doesn't mean you women are without fault in some of this. Please lets hear about the many men you know who are vindictive! Sorry that's a womans trait, always has been, always will be. Most guys just want to get on with their life once the process is started, it's the women who say "let me get my pound of flesh!"



Also maybe a lot of women talk AT men but it was/is definitely my ex husband who wouldn't listen to reason and thinks he is always right. I admit I initiated things by moving out but he told me he wouldn't miss me only wanted me to stay because he would miss the kids. He became physically abusive with forced kissing and grabs that once left a purple mark on my leg. I couldn't live under the same roof with him and be continually treated like that. If it was up to him he would of stayed forever in an unhappy marriage with me sleeping in a separate room as long as he had some one to take care of the home and his kids were there. He did nothing to try to rebuild things just treated me with anger.


Once he filed for divorce I just wanted things over so I could move on but it was him who had to make it a long (almost a year) vindictive drawn out process to try to get even with me for leaving. I didn't even try for spousal support and settled for little child support plus he stayed in the marital home. I accepted less than my share just to settle at last minute the day before another day in court was scheduled. I let him keep most of the furniture and a TV bought as a family gift. All I asked for was my personal belongings.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 160
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how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/14/2010 11:31:59 PM

We have a son together, that really should be focal point of all of this, his well being.



True and it's sad how the kids are the ones who suffer most. I have two boys with my ex and until recently he was telling them I stole their savings account money. The kids never believed him but he was upsetting them with his continued accusations. I finally put a stop to it by showing him the bank statements with the money all there. He still tries to be vindictive with anything to make mom look bad and him be their favorite.

My boyfriend's ex was the one being vindictive in their divorce proceedings but I wouldn't say it's always the woman.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 161
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/15/2010 7:07:11 AM
Sexiest: Cappie - I disagree that women always find fault.

BTW - you should indent the first paragraph, capitalize your proper nouns and you misspelled "commuincate."




Thanks, Sexiest Beave...er... User.......


Evil: Now whoa there Capitano my old friend,

Don't be goin to the dark side like the women often do on these threads and yell "not me, I did...", if you DID do it, you were like me, I did it also, only difference yours found fault more and more and things got worse, mine cheated, same result different cause.


Sorry about that.... a colleague told me I needed to get in touch with my Feminine Side and I guess I did, by gum...

... and, I feel your pain though my ex didn't cheat on me, technically speaking, 'cause she told me she was kicking my ass to the curb an hour before she went and banged the new guy....

... she didn't know why that upset me....


Women ARE more in touch with the need to discuss, men mostly want to put it behind them.


Well, ya-but.... women all too often seem to want to discuss for the sake of discussing, and discussing, and discussing, and discussing....

... usually during the hockey game, dammit, NEVER during Dopey Windbag or a show with gay guys flitting about hither and thither......


Spoken: He's got sense enough not to put the red clothes in with the white ones, that's the only "requirement" I have.


I'd NEVER do something stupid like that, 'cause I'm smart enough to NEVER buy anything white...


exiled: ...which both exasperates the women which gained power by those partialities...


.... no idea what the hell you're on about, as usual, but I do understand the 'exasperates' bit...


Dreamy: Not from where i come from. I would love nothing better than to have a man be the head of household, and provide for me.


I need my Hoovering done, laundry done, dishes done and I'm frickin' hungry. If you do all that, I'll let you do me and I'll even take you out for an Egg McMuffin in the morning.....


ohwhy: As for communication, well, there is no such thing as communicating AT. Communication goes two ways. If one is unable to communicate, perhaps that is why the breakup occurs.


Well, first off, I'm the one who introduced the concept of women communicating AT their men rather than communicating WITH them...

.... and second, you have obviously never had a woman as a spouse....

... or would you rather that I had said, "Women tend to blather AT rather than communicate WITH the men in their lives"?

 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 162
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/15/2010 7:39:55 AM

Cool!!! About time!!! Now tell all the other cheating women that are stay at home moms the same, Their time is coming! Movement started...

Actually in all cases I know about the men were cheating, a couple because she worked full time, and spent too much time cleaning house and taking care of the children when she wasn't working and (WAAHH!) he got no attention...and yes, these men not only came right out and said this, but thought it was justified.

I *suspect* you are mixing spousal support and child support together. Child support is paid by the NCP based on their income and - here in Canada anyway, the CP's income isn't considered in the equation. (Special expenses an exception paid on a pro-rata income basis). Spousal support is paid by the higher income earning partner to the other. Sometimes it's a wash, sometimes not.

Regardless of the law, a lower percentage of men pursue spousal support and child support. A higher percentage of women default on payments owed.

I was talking more women paying the men large lump sums of money not to fight the divorce actually...not so much alimony or child support. One friend had to refinance her house and pay her husband out of it to the tune of 50K because he was on the deed, even though she was the one paying the mortgage, and some other sticking points he had. He wanted her 401k and health plan coverage as well because he was upset the divorce was filed, but they settled on that amount to be done with it.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 163
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History
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/15/2010 7:53:59 AM
PS: While I am tempted to agree that women are often more the vindictive type ( which I believe may stem from reacting emotionally to things instaed of rationally/logically) ( and also men tend to do it in different ways)...I have to say as someone who works in this field...we have just as many nasty/vindictive men as women, though they fight with different tools and threats ( and often the kids are the ones who really suffer)..I think it's more a personality than a gender..or, who feels the most wronged, the most strongly..

Howver , the good news , guys ( as in both genders..lol)..we are doing far more amicable No Faults, or at least, civil divorces with reciprocal agreement to the terms than ever before, and the unfairmess to men is slowly being swung back to the center ( at least around here)..it may not happen overnight, but, it's start...

Captiano: While I'm sure I have been gulity of talking AT a guy..I have to say that often it becomes me talking AT him, because he isn't really listening to me anyway, so, isn't responding, contributing to the converstaion..lol...many women , do, I'm sure, like to talk about things that just don't interest men, and are talking for the sake of talking...I know I like to talk about lots of things, in general...

For the record Mr Evil...I had a no fault, I asked for no alimony,waived his PERS and his 401K, took with me the possessions I wanted, and some partial equity in the house after I gave him his pre marital $7,000 off the top, and paid off most of the debt with that....and while I'm sure there are women who do really bad things, and are vindicitive, I also know there are women who are not..when many guys talk they make statements that imply all women are this way, and it is is difficult when you aren't in that group, and know many women who aren't, to just accept that as a fact...I do not believe , overall, that women are any more evil than men or vice versa..bad people and behavior has no gender....
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 164
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/15/2010 1:09:19 PM
What I did find when googleing was that while divorce rates have gone up with women's rights, they actually started growing before then with industrialization and more people moving to the cities. Part of the theory is that families no longer worked together as a unit. Also blamed is the liberalization of churches. So, now we have more places to point our fingers at for why marriages fail. However, does that accomplish anything?

After my ugly whining, the booze and his cheating, my first husband claimed that my leaving did come as a complete surprise. Apparently because we were Christians I had to put up with his behavior. After I left he finally decided we needed counseling. One of the assignments was to write about what bothered us in our marriage. He showed up empty handed, which surprised me since he and his friends had no problem telling me what a horrible wife I was. He was offered the chance to say something – anything. Then councilor read what I’d written and asked him point blank, “Did you know she felt this way?” He said, “No.” Then the councilor asked him, “Are you telling me she never said any of these things to you?” His response was, “I didn’t think it was important.” Communication is only as good as the people involved are willing to be or capable of being.

The second husband also had a love affair with alcohol (which eventually took his life). We’d fight about his drinking and driving. I even volunteered to drive him to and from the bar. One day he came in and told me if I couldn’t accept his behavior he would leave me. He was shocked that I didn’t beg him to stay. Still it was me that finally went to the lawyer.

This brings me back to something the OP asked me earlier in the thread. Why do women chose badly then blame the man? My guess is for the same reasons men chose badly then blame the woman. I do know that my family of origin has severe alcohol issues. One popular theory is that children of alcoholics unwittingly are attracted to people that have similar characteristics as our parents – that we are still trying to fix what we couldn’t in our parents. I also know that many people wear a mask to be approved. They are very good at hiding who they are. We just think we know them until it’s too late.

Again this is just more finger pointing. I can only take responsibility for my mistakes. I am sorry that my son has had to suffer because of them.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 165
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/15/2010 1:19:56 PM

call me a golddigger and all, but when i said provide for me, i was hoping it would be a little more substantial then an EggMcMuffin.


and there's the rub...


she wants a combo meal...

gold digging woman!!
 111Enigma
Joined: 2/6/2010
Msg: 166
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/15/2010 2:01:13 PM
From my own experience....it's the woman who usually initiates the divorce/separation after repeatdly stating to the partner about how she is unhappy and therefore wanting to leave the relationship.

It's like somehow the man doesn't believe the woman will actually leave him.

It took two years of 'talking' to my ex hubby...and he still didn't believe me nor did he understood when 'I called it quits'. (Even thought he did skipped the Anger Management counseling he was supposed to attend).
I also came across several men who claimed to have been truly HAPPY in their marriage and didn't get it when their wives left them.

What does that tell us?

The word oblivious comes to mind...or perhaps women are harder to satisfy in the relationship?
Hard to say.

But yes, I do believe the greater percentage of partner leaving a relationship are women.
P.A.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 167
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/15/2010 2:20:01 PM
as for women leaving the marriage there are also LOTS of men out there that feel they have worked and worked and worked all these years...

been the primary breadwinner..

Only to let their wife think she can walk away with half of the kitty?

I know guys that would rather stay married than give her half.


That is another part of the equation.


I've heard "it'd cost me too much money and I'd rather blow every dime I've ever made than give that b1tch even one red cent of what I've made over the years while she sat home on her fat ass"

by more than one guy.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 168
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/15/2010 3:16:51 PM

as for women leaving the marriage there are also LOTS of men out there that feel they have worked and worked and worked all these years...
been the primary breadwinner..
Only to let their wife think she can walk away with half of the kitty?
I know guys that would rather stay married than give her half.
That is another part of the equation.

That's a wash. Men who are afraid to give up half to an ex wife that doesn't work - picked that non-working ex wife in the first place. Then again men don't like to marry a woman who works because she's got no time to worship him...so it's a choice. Career women are less likely to have that issue.

If she were the primary breadwinner, it'd be the same thing.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 169
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/15/2010 3:18:44 PM
Gee boondock, maybe that's what they were doing because in both cases my husbands spent the money on what they wanted while I scrimped to pay the bills. The first was the bread winner, he wanted the traditional family. In the 2nd marriage he earned more than I did. We spent my income on the household. He contributed some, but most of his income was spent on guns and cars (he had 3 cars by time we split and I lost count of the guns).

I did sit on my fat ass though. With the 2nd I went to the gym for awhile, but his constant harping on who I was talking to drove me nuts. I went back to sitting on my fat ass after work and chores.

After my marriages when I read "does dishes" my eyes well up and I get filled with desire.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 170
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/15/2010 4:05:32 PM
I've heard "it'd cost me too much money and I'd rather blow every dime I've ever made than give that b1tch even one red cent of what I've made over the years while she sat home on her fat ass"

Lol! At least we know where *that* marriage went south. . . . . I find it really fascinating that when we start out as a pair, there is an understanding that within the confines of the home are various and sundry tasks to be performed, and that some division of that work is fair. My dad ran/owned a business with his brothers (they built Peterbilts), which sometime meant that he was working 12 or 16 hours a day. When he got up, his breakfast was on the table, and his lunch packed. When he got home, however late that was, someone (gosh, my mom) had cooked his dinner. The clothes he wore were clean because she'd washed and ironed them. She took what little money he made, and fed and clothed and doctored a family of 11 -- healthy, balanced, nutritious meals, clean neat clothes, often made by her at her sewing machine, and at times, our furniture was sold to pay doctors/dentists bills.. I never hear HIM say "my money," nor did I ever hear her complain about how badly the business was doing.

Guess the change of attitude about what mateship *means* is a fairly good explanation of what we're all doing here, eh?

 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 171
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/15/2010 5:00:48 PM
I was talking more women paying the men large lump sums of money not to fight the divorce actually...not so much alimony or child support. One friend had to refinance her house and pay her husband out of it to the tune of 50K because he was on the deed, even though she was the one paying the mortgage, and some other sticking points he had. He wanted her 401k and health plan coverage as well because he was upset the divorce was filed, but they settled on that amount to be done with it.


What *I* suspect is that your friend talked with a good lawyer and got the advice that it was better to offer a seemingly significant amount of money as opposed to taking the adversarial, lawyer led, route, which would have meant your friend would have had to give up far more in addition to paying for legal fees.

Sounds to me like she got a deal. She's smart, he's an idiot, which is also very typical in separation/divorce. She gets good legal advice while he believes the legal system is like a hockey game which has rules and fair play is the way opponents engage....

..... us men are such fvcking idiots when we enter the arena expecting fair play in family law. Women talk with each other and do their homework WAY before they've even considered leaving as a serious option.

Most of my ex's girlfriends and some of her sisters knew she was in love with the new guy and was going to leave before she did. Several of those women had already left their husbands/S.O.'s, given her info, and the ex had been to the library to borrow books on divorce etc, etc before she EVER mentioned anything to me about wanting to leave....

... then she was gone is about 3 weeks....

... which is why I believe that women are not nearly the great communicators they think they are.

Are there situations where the woman was clear with her ultimatum? Sure. But, I'll bet dollars to donuts that what women THINK they were communicating and what they were ACTUALLY communicating were not even close to being as clear as they think they were being.

Remember: The first tenet of clear communication is that it it contingent upon the COMMUNICATOR to make sure the RECEIVER of the message understands, no matter how difficult it may be to get that message through....

Dreamy: Hmmmm And they say women are all about the money.


How often have you heard me say the following: "At the beginning it's all about the Loooooove, at the end, it's all about the MoOOooooney"?

And, often WOMEN make it all about the money, though I know that's difficult to admit to...

 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 172
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/15/2010 6:34:10 PM
How often have you heard me say the following: "At the beginning it's all about the Loooooove, at the end, it's all about the MoOOooooney"?

And, often WOMEN make it all about the money, though I know that's difficult to admit to...


totally...ex wife and I both worked...both had 401Ks that were after we got married...hell, she got the GOOD job only because of me...

that being said...it was always "OUR" money.

till I filed for divorce...

suddenly its "MY 401K"


???

WTF???

i laughed...she went out and got a tummy tuck damned near first thing...paid cash for it...

can u believe that sh1t??

i said- damn girl- you're supposed to do that when you lose another 25 pounds...not when you're still fatties...

and you should probably get your tatas done too...they need it in the worst way, since your getting some plastic surgery.


hell- i didn't care...take the foking money....just give me a divorce...so I can get on with my life.



they say divorce is sooo expensive...why?


because it is WORTH it...
 treselle
Joined: 6/16/2005
Msg: 173
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History
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/15/2010 6:42:54 PM
Women looking for life partners, men just for women to have sex with. To men a woman must be HOT or not bad looking if they can not get a hot one. To women a man must be many incredible things. Only a few fit that profile. I looked at your profile. You can not be taken seriously. You might get lucky with a busy independent woman who needs a man only for sex, if you are good looking. But since there is no photo, your chances are slim. You are what you are and can not be someone else no matter what knowledge you will gain from here or elsewhere. Remember, men need women more than women need men.
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 174
view profile
History
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/15/2010 7:34:24 PM

or would you rather that I had said, "Women tend to blather AT rather than communicate WITH the men in their lives"?


Yes, I would, as communication is BETWEEN. Communication is difficult, at best, but to say that the fault lies with women alone is not only an untruth, it is ludicrous. There is no such thing as the burden of a relationship falling onto only one party. Many women feel that they talk, not blather, yet their words are dismissed as such. The feeling is valid even if it is not a fact. So, if you feel "hounded", blathered upon, equal is your responsibility to find a productive means of communication. It is easy to generalize & dismiss the feelings of another & often, simply a means to avoid facing responsibility.

Maffers, the earlier post was much more human and indicative of real people, once they step away from the keyboard; thanks!

MrEvil. you'll hear no boo hoos from me, although my post was in response to what I deem to be so. My point remains: the numbers themselves say nothing at all. One's interpretation is not fact. I have to say, though, that I have never met a man who pushed for counseling, while the women refused, but I have known many, many women, who did so. My ex agreed to go, counseling continued for a year; he never showed. Each situation is different, and although the captain claims that it is women who make it "all about the money", my experience is more like the poster who admitted that men often stay because they feel that their work was more important, therefore, the money is theirs. It is true that more households than ever consist of two working parents, and there are more stay at home dads than ever. The more mature, more capable of reason among us realize that the contribution of the other partner has equal value, does enable them to earn more, and involves sacrifice, including monetary. Years spent away from the workforce (or at menial/part time/low paying jobs with flexibility) affect earning power, retirement savings, even social security benefits. Do you really think it's fair that this sacrifice isn't recognized? It would seem to me that if you do, then there shouldn't be such an agreement, and you would choose a partner who was willing to sacrifice time with the children, letting someone else raise them, instead of punishing them for their sacrifices when the two of you aren't able to make the relationship work.

I go back to my earlier post, filing for divorce (moving out, breaking up, whatever) is the final step, not the initiation of a breakup. Statistics speak not a thing about who initiated a breakup, and certainly not why.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 175
how come women initiate the breakup 80% of the time?
Posted: 4/15/2010 7:53:29 PM

Yes, I would, as communication is BETWEEN. Communication is difficult, at best, but to say that the fault lies with women alone is not only an untruth, it is ludicrous. There is no such thing as the burden of a relationship falling onto only one party. Many women feel that they talk, not blather, yet their words are dismissed as such


Yes, yes, darling, but you've obviously never had a woman as an S.O.

Of course women feel they talk rather than blather, babble, bubble, ramble, rant or yammer.....

.... but most men don't see it quite that way....

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