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Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 26
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A friend's cheating husbandPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I have no doubt that your friend knows that he is sleeping around to some degree even if she doesn't know the details.

As for the woman he is married to and you telling her...don't. She chooses to ignore the signs that are so obvious in front of her face and the fact that she even got a phone call from a husband.
I pretty much agree with these two statements. If she's been married to this guy for so long and hasn't figured out that she's married to a toad, that's really her fault. Best you can really do here is just allow her to come to you to talk about her husband's indiscretions when she feels like doing so. Otherwise, since she rationalized her husband as being worthy because she has stayed with him for so long, she'll look at you as being some sort of wedge; hell she might even think you are trying to split them up for your own benefit. I suggest staying out of this.
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 28
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:21:49 PM
Maybe if the cheating husband would just stop it already, you would have a much easier time putting this to rest.

I agree with the posters who say the woman PROBABLY already knows and that by you telling her, you risk being the bad person in this mess.

So send her an anonymous get well card. In it just give her enough information to hang himself. Just tell her if she cares to know than all she needs to do is open her eyes. If he is calling and texting you and the other girlfriend, then he is most likely doing the same with many others. All the wife needs to do is look at his cell phone bill and she will get a complete list of phone numbers.

If she really doesn't care to know then that's on her. At least you will be able to have a clear conscience.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 29
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 2:19:00 PM
You know it isn't so much you not telling the wife, since your later posts show that you aren't really friends but more a group who hang out together, but that you continue to support your actual friend while she plays with this other woman's husband to shore up her sagging ego just as she did when she screwed him behind her friend's back. You choose to be a part of this lying & cheating, and to knowing this man is using this cirlce of 'friends' to get his thrills and that some of them (who knows the real truth or how many) drop their pants for him simply because he's rich, nice looking and easily distracted by willing women who don't care that he's married or that they are friends of his wife. You are the company you keep, as they say, so your support of this woman and staying with these 'friends' says a lot about you no matter what you protest. I don't mean to say that in a snotty tone, since it's so hard to read intent online, but that you are putting yourself in this position and if chit hits the fan, all your pleas of innocense are not going to have much meaning. Just where do you really stand, where are your morals and ethics and why do you think supporting a cheater & cheatee make you innocent?
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 30
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 2:27:11 PM

Your friend that is married and had the fling with him 15 years ago invites the behavior on herself because she flirts with him and doesn't tell him stop it or I'm telling your wife. You have the ability to do that and to minimize the time you spend around this man. It is not your job to tell your friend because she obviously doesn't want to believe it. He has been cheating on her for 15 years, you don't think deep down she knows?

If you want to 'blow the whistle' you can only do it with things that happen in the present, concerning you directly. Your friend with the fling is her own worst-enemy because she actively STILL encourages the mans behaviour.

They are wealthy and she doesn't want to give up what she has in order to have a man that is faithful to her, that is her choice to make.

So true in many cases. The woman in question must realise the price she has to pay if she ever calls her cheating husband out, the price she pays for her gilded lifestyle.

Other than that, you have to let it go and if that means spending less time around these people, only spending time with your best friend when they aren't around, then that is probably what you are going to have to do.

This is the best way in my opinion, remove yourself from a toxic situation, the man never was your friend, he just wants to make you another notch in his bedpost, build your friendship with your best friend away from the others and their pretence of a marriage.
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 31
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:09:46 PM
I doubt that someone can be married to a repeat cheater for a couple of decades without having some sense of it. She already got at least one "angry husband" phone call. Likely that she does NOT WANT TO REALLY KNOW. Why are you all indignant about the hubby when your own best friend "flirt[s] when around each other and she doesn't TELL him to leave her alone?" Maybe the wife is getting fulfilled in other ways, doesn't like sex, or has her own lover. This is a mess of which you should steer clear. MYOB.
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 35
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:32:18 PM
if he's been cheating for that long & so many times, he doesn't feel remorse. it has become a way of life for him. doubt it'll change. not much you can do. he's not gonna change. the wife proably stays with him for money & position...and maybe even love...but he's so far beyond redemption... lost nothing...just avoid him...then again, perhaps it feeds your ego somehow or you enjoy the drama....don't know about that....only *you* know. at any rate, we all ultimately do what we want to do ... whether right, wrong, or somewhere in between... no changing this guy.........
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 36
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:24:29 PM

I don't know what to do. I tell myself that I SHOULD do NOTHING, and yet--he keeps doing these things and I HATE it. The series of text messages he recently sent me (asking for sex or at least phone sex) were lurid and completely inappropriate--and while I told him to fvck off he shows NO shame at all (I've seen them both since--and he does the brushing against and "oops" and suggestive comments thing). It's like he BELIEVES that he's got complete impunity, and he's right because NOBODY ever TELLS her. Meanwhile, he's a deacon in his church and just as "pious" as he can be. He's very well off and I think that it's unlikely that his wife really would actually divorce him for that reason (and the fact that they have fun together and are of a certain age and she LOVES him truly)....but I don't know and I feel like she should KNOW that she's being betrayed.

you've said no to him how many times??

this is sexual harassment.....drop kick that fuker through the uprights like a field goal
because that's what he deserves.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 37
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:30:25 PM

I don't care for the adv ice to not tell the woman or find a way to let her know ina subtle way. Stop being a coward about the whole thing. Tell the woman and own up to your part in keeping her in the dark. I don't like when people tap dance around truth to protect themselves. Tell the truth and own the consequences. That is always the best way.

This would actually make sense if you didn't think about the phone call from the wronged husband. Does anyone really think some man is going to call them out of the blue and assert that his wife has had sex with a woman's husband if he doesn't have a pretty good reason to believe this is true? Ergo someone who does not believe the man isn't going to believe someone else probably even with photos.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 38
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:46:08 AM
Whatever gets you through the night OP, you put it out there and asked for opinions. That's my opinion given the info you provided. Again, the fact that you are in the middle of this mess speaks volumes, you could have stopped all of your part in it at any time,, but you didn't and haven't and won't. The drama
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 39
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:27:19 AM
Op, you are responsible for YOU.. mind your own business and remove yourself completely from the scenerio..

Your friend has made it clear that she values her financial setting more..

and you've stayed in a place to be harassed..
either address said harrassment with the powers that be(church) and let the fall-out happen or move out of reach.

but again you are responsible for controling your environment not the women he is having affairs with or his wife. imo
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 40
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:40:10 PM

Op, you are responsible for YOU.. mind your own business and remove yourself completely from the scenerio..

After reading several posts from the OP I think the advice above is good.

OP, you seem to have a hot button for the husband yet you defend his former mistresse' behaviour. You also excuse her cheating with the husband.

If you think your friends behaviour was justified because she was in a bad marriage, why do you not do the same with the husband? Assume he is in a bad marriage.

Cheating is cheating. You cannot justify one slut while condeming another slut. Besides, if you tell, I think there may be a lot more things that would come out in the open. For example, when speaking of your friend (husband's lover) and how she feels about it:

It sucks, and it haunts my friend,

It contradicts your other claim:

but they flirt when around each other and she doesn't TELL him to leave her alone

I am beginning to believe you like your friends just for the drama. Given these posts:

and I know of a third "friend" who SAYS she recently slept with him, just two months ago. I have no idea what he does.......But all that aside, I KNOW he cheats with friends of his wife... regularly

I think you're misguided. I beg to differ about the following:

First, one is NOT the company one keeps, however fun it is to say that

I disagree with you. Although you are not involved sexually, you are living the drama vicariously through your friends lives. Gossiping and starting this thread is simply a perpetuation of the situation... authored by you.

If you stick your nose in deeper, you may end up finding out that your friend is not that haunted by the wife's hubby.

This is getting to be like high school drama
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 41
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:26:20 PM

you are living the drama vicariously through your friends lives.

think there's an element of truth in that statement. if it trips her trigger, so be it. ...but as i said, this guy ain't gonna change...he doesn't want's become a way of life...and he's quite content with it!
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 42
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:31:02 PM
^^^ Not only is he content with it, he knows he doesn't HAVE to change. His wife and her friends are actually going along with it. Looking at it from his perspective, why should he change? He may feel that he has nothing to lose; from what we're told by the OP, the wife is the one who thinks she will lose (lifestyle-wise).

Personally, I'd back away from the drama, but some folks thrive on it. ~shrug~
 *november babee*
Joined: 2/19/2009
Msg: 43
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:16:26 AM

I have no doubt that your friend knows that he is sleeping around to some degree even if she doesn't know the details. I would say at best she is ignoring it and just pretending everything is fine or just ignoring small clues.

i would wholeheartedly agree.....

there is NO WAY that she doesnt know, if she acknowledges it and confronts him, she loses an awful lot, they may have an understanding that he does what he wants, discreetly, and she accepts it for the lifestyle he provides for her... (i think you said he was quite wealthy..)

i would just let him know you want no invovlement in this and that if he txts again you will show the wife the txts..
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 44
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:50:43 AM
I would only be concerned with his behavior towards you. The next text, email or off color remark should be answered immediately with a warning that you WILL go to his wife the next time and you are 100% serious. Be upfront and let him know that you will follow through.
The friend who flirts? Loves every minute of the attention from him, she encourages it and gets off on it. Not the kind of person I would want as a friend. She cheats, lies pursues and then b1tches about it? She is as bad as he is. How can she even look his wife in the eye?
As far as your fear of being the messenger, trust me she knows who and what he is unless she is a complete moron. So either fu*k the guy , tell the wife or put up with his crap forever your choice.
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 45
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:43:29 PM
It probably won't do any good to say anything, and if this guy hits on you again and you tell his wife, she'll probably exclude you from her circle of friends - quite the reward for telling her about it, eh?
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 46
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:52:50 PM
most men only cheat when they have women that dont satisfy them sexually, women, especially north american women have to understand this this 'victim' mentality has to stop,aas well as the male bashing, its most probably hrt fault he is forced to cheat
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 47
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:00:16 PM
want to travel, how's that working for you?
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 48
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:02:29 PM
he is forced to cheat
???? OMG!! I think you will find that MOST people who cheat do so because they are emotionally immature, can't commit and/or have insatiable egos - NOT insatiable sexual appetites. :

Good name by the way ... you are obviously tripping!
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 49
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:04:22 PM
This has been answered many times, but basically telling your friend about texts and flirting that occurs from now on is the only way to go. Don't advise her of past indiscretions, it's not worth the effort and she'll dismiss it as rumors. I understand you want to clear your guilty conscience, but don't do it at the expense of everyone else. There is no reason to hurt your other friends who have no desire to be involved in your plan to tell her everything.

EDIT: I decided to go back and read a few more posts, wish I had read everything beforehand, because now I have a better understanding of what's going on.

1. I hadn't realized how old you were or that you were a professor (an educator).
This is relevant because it tells me you are smart enough and have attained enough worldly experience to just know better than to keep yourself in a bad situation.

2.I hadn't read your snide comments to daynadaze.
This is relevant because it shows your immaturity.

3.I hadn't read your updates regarding the relationships and timeframes.
This is relevant because you need to stop pretending that your friend is blameless or that you took the moral high ground. Your friend did what she did knowing full well the consequences and she continues to put herself in that situation. Furthermore you could at any point remove yourself from this but you choose not to, because you don't want your friend to think you look down your nose at her, but it's too late "BECAUSE YOU DO" . You think you are better than her and you can't deny it, not only that, but you want to be the better 'man' by not severing your friendship. This all refers back to the immaturity that I mentioned before.

4.I hadn't read your profile to find out your political views and your likes and dislikes
This isn't relevant but I have to say I wish you didn't hate people of the conservative persuasion so much.
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