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Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 41
A friend's cheating husbandPage 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

you are living the drama vicariously through your friends lives.

think there's an element of truth in that statement. if it trips her trigger, so be it. ...but as i said, this guy ain't gonna change...he doesn't want's become a way of life...and he's quite content with it!
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 42
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:31:02 PM
^^^ Not only is he content with it, he knows he doesn't HAVE to change. His wife and her friends are actually going along with it. Looking at it from his perspective, why should he change? He may feel that he has nothing to lose; from what we're told by the OP, the wife is the one who thinks she will lose (lifestyle-wise).

Personally, I'd back away from the drama, but some folks thrive on it. ~shrug~
 *november babee*
Joined: 2/19/2009
Msg: 43
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:16:26 AM

I have no doubt that your friend knows that he is sleeping around to some degree even if she doesn't know the details. I would say at best she is ignoring it and just pretending everything is fine or just ignoring small clues.

i would wholeheartedly agree.....

there is NO WAY that she doesnt know, if she acknowledges it and confronts him, she loses an awful lot, they may have an understanding that he does what he wants, discreetly, and she accepts it for the lifestyle he provides for her... (i think you said he was quite wealthy..)

i would just let him know you want no invovlement in this and that if he txts again you will show the wife the txts..
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 44
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:50:43 AM
I would only be concerned with his behavior towards you. The next text, email or off color remark should be answered immediately with a warning that you WILL go to his wife the next time and you are 100% serious. Be upfront and let him know that you will follow through.
The friend who flirts? Loves every minute of the attention from him, she encourages it and gets off on it. Not the kind of person I would want as a friend. She cheats, lies pursues and then b1tches about it? She is as bad as he is. How can she even look his wife in the eye?
As far as your fear of being the messenger, trust me she knows who and what he is unless she is a complete moron. So either fu*k the guy , tell the wife or put up with his crap forever your choice.
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 45
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:43:29 PM
It probably won't do any good to say anything, and if this guy hits on you again and you tell his wife, she'll probably exclude you from her circle of friends - quite the reward for telling her about it, eh?
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 46
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:52:50 PM
most men only cheat when they have women that dont satisfy them sexually, women, especially north american women have to understand this this 'victim' mentality has to stop,aas well as the male bashing, its most probably hrt fault he is forced to cheat
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 47
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:00:16 PM
want to travel, how's that working for you?
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 48
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:02:29 PM
he is forced to cheat
???? OMG!! I think you will find that MOST people who cheat do so because they are emotionally immature, can't commit and/or have insatiable egos - NOT insatiable sexual appetites. :

Good name by the way ... you are obviously tripping!
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 49
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:04:22 PM
This has been answered many times, but basically telling your friend about texts and flirting that occurs from now on is the only way to go. Don't advise her of past indiscretions, it's not worth the effort and she'll dismiss it as rumors. I understand you want to clear your guilty conscience, but don't do it at the expense of everyone else. There is no reason to hurt your other friends who have no desire to be involved in your plan to tell her everything.

EDIT: I decided to go back and read a few more posts, wish I had read everything beforehand, because now I have a better understanding of what's going on.

1. I hadn't realized how old you were or that you were a professor (an educator).
This is relevant because it tells me you are smart enough and have attained enough worldly experience to just know better than to keep yourself in a bad situation.

2.I hadn't read your snide comments to daynadaze.
This is relevant because it shows your immaturity.

3.I hadn't read your updates regarding the relationships and timeframes.
This is relevant because you need to stop pretending that your friend is blameless or that you took the moral high ground. Your friend did what she did knowing full well the consequences and she continues to put herself in that situation. Furthermore you could at any point remove yourself from this but you choose not to, because you don't want your friend to think you look down your nose at her, but it's too late "BECAUSE YOU DO" . You think you are better than her and you can't deny it, not only that, but you want to be the better 'man' by not severing your friendship. This all refers back to the immaturity that I mentioned before.

4.I hadn't read your profile to find out your political views and your likes and dislikes
This isn't relevant but I have to say I wish you didn't hate people of the conservative persuasion so much.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 51
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:57:23 PM
Are you kidding OP? You brought this up, you said there are at least two women in your group (how big is this group) who have screwed this woman's husband and that he hit on you (and how many others?) and that you are the best friend of the one who keeps flirting with this man after sleeping with him once years ago behind her friend's back. So she and the woman are friends, right, and you weren't their friend but are now but didn't see them for many years???? This whole who is whose friend and who even sees each other on a friendship level is very unclear. You don't screw your friend's husband, once or every weekend, you are no one's friend if you screw their husband, nor do you keep up the hitting on each other for fifteen years and yet whine about his attention. Really? This is so high school as to be laughable, except you keep saying it's all serious and happening. So just whose friend are you? How many of you are close friends as opposed to people who hang out together, because remember no one who is flirting with or screwing with someones husband or keeping all this from someone is that person's friend, so yeah, some of you are just hanging out.

You are feeling pretty superior to those who sleep with this man and to posters who give opinions you don't like I think most here have your number but protest all you want. You are and have been in the middle of a whole lot of drama by adults who act like horny teenagers with no self-control, you call these people your friends and think yourself a friend to them even when treating this man's wife like a joke. What part of all this drama and lying do you see as mature? If you do not extract yourself from all this lying, cheating and drama, then you are most certainly a part of it.

This group reminds me of the scene in the movie Something To Talk About where Julia Roberts stands up at a women's meeting and asks how many of them have had sex with her husband. If this wife did this, how many of you could honestly answer no and how many would think themselves a friend after either being with her husband or lying to her for years?
 surely im shirley
Joined: 6/14/2008
Msg: 53
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:17:12 PM
I've never had any problem with diffusing inappropriate approaches.

Don't get it.

Think you like it.

Not a friend.

Discussion is a waste of time.
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 54
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:49:32 PM
I don't think this sounds like a real drama and i don't think the op is getting off on it. I think that her loyalty is to be commended really. I think a lot of people would be quite judgmental in this situation and she seems to be stating everything matter of factly. I think that this is one of those things that have dragged on for various reasons because of all the parties roles and situations so it has never really been nipped in the bud. It happens like that sometimes.
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 55
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:24:26 PM
It would make me damn embarassed.
Make me feel like crap.
I would be angry as hell!

but I would still want to know.

...and I am speaking from experience here... having recently found out about a situation that happened in 1993... a good 14 years before the divorce...and before we had kids. Would of been nice to know the info then...apparently they were trying not to hurt me by telling me.
 Whoopty Dew
Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 56
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:55:33 PM
Bust that POS out and be done with it.You say she's your friend,then prove it.
Joined: 10/21/2009
Msg: 57
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:51:46 AM
You should stay out of their business. They may have an open marriage and she may be OK with it. In upper class society lots of rich guys have girlfriends because they can. It is just part of being a rich guy always has been always will be.
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 58
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:32:52 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Probably the most illogical thing I have ever read on POF!

so...cheating is a 'sport' for the rich...and is a taken activity?.. part of the oh my goodness!

ya.... ya.. I get it.. I do.. Grandpa had his 'dancing partner'...the lady he took out to society parties in the old country... I get grandmother apparently knew about it... it was way back when... and there was little she could do back then...early 1950s.
Still didn't make it right or excusable.

Not a very good friend if you sit back and witness something wrong and do nothing.

would anyone even consider a very detailed anonymous note to the injured party?
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 59
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:46:21 PM
OP: My goodness - this is a soap opera!!!

You need new friends, Lady. My FRIENDS and their respective husbands wouldn't dare pull this shit on each other, much less with their friends. What kind of people are you associating yourself with?

As far as that woman's husband sending you texts - the 1st time he sent his inappropriate text, I would have jumped in my car and done a b-line to his house (showed his wife). In addition of putting him in check with his behavior towards you.

What your other friend does with this man is none of your business and you should stay out of it. They are all grown adults and if they want to play with fire - let their asses burn in hell................

I bet his wife is well aware of his cheating ways, and since he's rich she may just be looking the other way.

What a group of pitiful individuals...........
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 60
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:28:01 AM
U R dammed if U tell (she may turn on U)
& dammed if U don't. (she may not be happy that U didn't tell)
U will lose either way. MYOB
Joined: 7/4/2009
Msg: 61
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:53:00 PM
I would stay out of it......No one likes the messenger.
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 62
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/8/2009 5:10:45 AM
op and's high school and it's drama and I agree with dayna...op is as much a participant in keeping it going as is anyone else.

just walk away
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 63
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A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/8/2009 6:10:47 AM
I've been following your thread Nomadic, but haven't said much because I wasn't clear about how to help. I'm still not *grins* but I thought I'd ramble and see if anything pops out.

Life is messy, eh? People with their tragedies and joys and hopes all entwined... the fabric of life and relationship is like a weave, they overlap and layer onto each other. And as we get banged around in life, we make choices on how to best cope with things. Sometimes they are good choices and sometimes they are regrettable choices. Sometimes our coping skills throw us out of whack.

So, shoving aside all of these other people's lives and motives... let's look at you.

1. You are in a situation where you are out of alignment with your own morality and values. (Who I am, how life should work and how it is working). So that's your first issue, as I see it, how to get back into alignment. (The other side of that would be to question your morals and values to see if they are out of alignment with reality, but I'm doubtful that applies here. << take a look in case.)

How to get back in alignment is to identify "what's wrong?, "what's out?" or "what's missing?" on an internal scale. (and you're not looking to identify the story of 'what happened', it is the internal reaction or decision you need to identify. Let me know (if you think this might be useful) if it's not in english, lol)

Regardless of the behaviour around you, if you are in alignment, the turmoil will drop. And often then, oddly enough, the choices become clearer.

2. You are in a situation where every one of your choices appears to have ramifications on others and the choices that appear to not create consequence for others' creates a consequence for you - because you are subject to the emotional blowback of doing nothing in a situation where the wrongness is just sickening to you. Find a thread in that weave and pull it, and it will have consequence for others. As I see it, you likely have internal debate on the morality of you causing consequence in others lives but are anguished about doing nothing. So you sit in turmoil.

You want to find an action that will relieve your torment but will have an acceptable (to you? to others? to how you see yourself?) consequence. Or you want to find peace in doing nothing, because doing nothing in the face of such a 'wrong situation' is also tormenting you. (I suspect because it is out of alignment with your morality and values?)

You could tell your friend she is being the victim of the circumstances in her life and if she is not prepared to rise to the challenge of life, you don't want to be subject to her complaints about it.

You could have a conversation with him. << Actually, I like this one. All of the lines of your torment lead back to this man and I like to go to the source of the river.
What would you say to him I wonder? (My cheap advice is: Do the work of getting in alignment with yourself before you really consider what you might say to him).
 the apparent dreamer
Joined: 11/21/2006
Msg: 64
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/8/2009 7:40:35 PM
Is this where the saying " with friends like this, who needs enemies" comes from? Maybe you should just make a comment to the wife something like " I wish Jack would stop asking people to have sex with him, someone may think he is serious. " If she chooses to ignore or investigate would answer many questions.
Joined: 9/30/2009
Msg: 65
A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/8/2009 7:53:56 PM

What do I do??

Look up the word woman. I'm pretty sure the words "subtle", "indirect", and all those wonderful qualities are among the definition... okay, they should be. After all only a woman would say, "It's cold in here" and actually mean "Cuddle with me you dumb ass!" So, USE THEM.

Need me to show you subtle & indirect? Wait a sec...I just did!

You can figure out if she wants to be told or not under the radar, so to speak, without actually revealing any information you know. Rockie!
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