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 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 19
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)

But the OP is lazy. Being an introvert has nothing to do with working out. It's not a social activity. Yet in the first post he said he'd love to have six pack abs but didn't want to do the work to get them.


So every person that doesn't want to put forth the effort to get a 6-pack is lazy? Even at my thinnest, I will NEVER have a 6-pack unless I train my body for hours a day. Many many people don't feel that it's worth the effort. It's not laziness, it's a matter of priorities. The majority would rather use their spare time to find some enjoyment in life instead of trying to sculpt their bodies.


He's using the introvert card as an excuse for not doing the work necessary to reap the rewards for anything. Life doesn't work like that. You do the work and reap the rewards or you decide to live without the rewards and don't make any effort. But his current mindset is that of someone who might say, "I'd love to be rich, but I really don't want to get a job."


The true response of an extrovert that doesn't understand the introvert mindset.

You may have read "I want all the rewards without doing any work." But I read "I've flown solo all my life, and it's how I'm most comfortable. Please help me figure out how to break out of my bubble."
 Uncle Fist
Joined: 12/18/2006
Msg: 20
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/3/2009 10:37:14 PM

No, I assumed they were offended by the vitriolic nature of their posts.


I see exactly one post in this thread that could be considered caustic or vitriolic. The rest are basic bare fact laid out without any kind of sugar coating. Perhaps this is considered vitriolic by people with thin skin?




Do the flaws in the OP's argument necessarily indicate that he is lazy? I think calling the OP "lazy" is an assumption.


You're smarter than that. You're looking for a loophole like a lawyer right now.



And really, is it any skin off your nose whether shyness is a virtue or a hindrance to the OP?


It's not about my nose. It's about his nose. About whether he truly wants any helpful advice that will benefit him or just for someone to give him an excuse to feel like it's okay to continue not doing anything and expecting something to fall into his lap.




So every person that doesn't want to put forth the effort to get a 6-pack is lazy? Even at my thinnest, I will NEVER have a 6-pack unless I train my body for hours a day. Many many people don't feel that it's worth the effort. It's not laziness, it's a matter of priorities. The majority would rather use their spare time to find some enjoyment in life instead of trying to sculpt their bodies.


Then 6 pack abs are not that important to you. And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. All that means is that they are something that would be nice to have but you don't necessarily really desire them. If something is truly important enough to someone, they will do whatever it takes to obtain it. If they are not willing to put forth the necessary effort (no matter how hard), then they're okay with living without it. That's not rocket science.

Just as having a mate is not currently all that important to the OP even though he claims and probably thinks it is. If it were, he would be willing to do whatever was necessary to obtain one. But the fact that he cannot seem to find the motivation to commit himself shows that he is comfortable enough being single.



The true response of an extrovert that doesn't understand the introvert mindset.

You may have read "I want all the rewards without doing any work." But I read "I've flown solo all my life, and it's how I'm most comfortable. Please help me figure out how to break out of my bubble."


Sorry to break it to you, but guess what. "Help me break out of my bubble" means "help me become more extroverted."
 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 21
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/4/2009 1:02:58 AM

Just as having a mate is not currently all that important to the OP even though he claims and probably thinks it is. If it were, he would be willing to do whatever was necessary to obtain one. But the fact that he cannot seem to find the motivation to commit himself shows that he is comfortable enough being single.


The OP isn't looking to have somebody fall in his lap. He's trying to find a way to go about looking for somebody that's right for him, without resorting to doing things he hates, like going to bars and having obnoxious nights out with "the guys." At least, that's what I got from his post.


Sorry to break it to you, but guess what. "Help me break out of my bubble" means "help me become more extroverted."


Sorry to break it right back, but learning how to crawl out of your shell doesn't make you extroverted. Being introverted isn't about being a mute, averting your eyes when anybody looks in your direction, and trying to keep to the shadows because the light burns.

Being introverted means that most of your consciousness takes place internally... you spend more time staying within yourself, than coming out to be with other people... and usually means that said introvert needs time to himself to recharge after spending time with other people.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 23
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:50:51 AM
I would not expect a girl to just knock on your front door begging for a date or to accept never leaving the house because you hate to go out you have to put yourself out there at some level. I hate crowds but enjoy going out. I have always found that taking a class or joining a social group is a good way to meet people.
 ChefInJeans
Joined: 10/30/2009
Msg: 24
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:25:49 PM
I think its funny anyone would come out with such negative responses like that when we're on an internet dating site. The entire idea of the host of these forums is that you can take an at-home approach to the socializing process.

I can sympathize with eternaldream. I was a massive nerd in highschool, picked on, put down, and even though Ive grown out of that I have self-esteem issues, so going to a club and just talking to a woman, a MASSIVE mental block goes up because of this, regular socializing is hard for me

As for the initial questing, this is what Ive learend in my few years coming out of my shell.

1. Use your friends, tell them your problem. Just one really good friend who is the opposite of you, very extroverted and out there, can be a massive help. Most introverts dont have trouble chatting up someone, its the initial icebreaker thats hard. A buddy can do that for you.

2. 6 packs are overrated. Yes this is somewhat of a cop-out, no I dont care, its genetic. Some people were born thin, some muscular, some with a little extra. Girls you can relate, how many girls out there with A-cups know a friend who is similar in almost all ways but has a C-cup? If you carry yourself well, you dont need to be a musclehead to be attractive.

3. Go somewhere where you can risk it all. Drive a few miles out from home so that if you go to a bar/club and put it all on the line, she flips throws a drink in your face and you have to run out (yes very overly dramatic and unrealistic) you never have to go back. Once you know that its easier to put yourself out there because you wont have anything to lose.

Hope this helped
 LDF85
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 25
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 1/14/2010 2:23:15 PM

Well, first I'm an introvert. However, most of my friends are extroverts. They are the type that has many friends, go to social places, are very vocal, etc. Compared to me, where I have only a handful of close friends, I prefer staying at home, and I'm quite reserved. The problem they say why I can't get a girl is because I don't go out enough. By "get out" I mean to social places like concerts, bars, or even libraries and art museums.

Now, I understand that often times you must do something you dislike in order to achieve the result you desire. A means to an end they say. Like how you might work a crappy job just because you need the money. I don't think that a means to an end is a good way to live though. I would love to get 6 pack abs, but I just HATE working out. To me, the time and effort required to get myself into that kind of shape is better spent elsewhere. If I'm not going to enjoy the journy, what point is there in reaching the destination? The same thing I kind of think about having a relationship. Except I desire a relationship more than a 6 pack, so I'd be willing to take more sacrifices. But in the same way I've tried to be more social, and every time I've lost motivation before I even started.

So the question I'm asking is if a "means to an end" is something that you think is a legitimate way to approach a relationship? I know that for me, unless I put my whole heart into something it will never get done. I know just because I don't see another solution at this time, does mean that the problem has only one answer. Still, I can't help but get this feeling of overwhelming dread that looms over me. Mostly a fear that when the time comes when I meet that special someone, I'll be too inexperienced that she will lose interest. So what do you think? For other introverts, can you meet girls though just normal everyday contact? Or do you still have to try to make the first move?


I reckon I can relate to everything you've typed about yourself and your introverted lifestyle. Sometimes I wonder if I was prone to an introverted lifestyle or if the way that people treated me made me an introvert. When you're a kid you're so emotionally vulnerable that it's easy to be put into a shell by your peers and you will remain in that shell if there is not some type of psychological intervention. For me, it was my ears, my voice, my mannerisms - I was just an all around, socially unappealing kid (strangely, a few of my best friends were the biggest jocks though. I call it the knight/squire relationship).

My psychological intervention came around age seventeen or eighteen. High school was over and I thought to myself: it doesn't matter who was cool in school, we're gonna be at parties and clubs where nobody knows us and we can just mingle with women and let them get to know us for themselves. I dived into social interaction headfirst. Between 2003 and 2009 I went to a lot of parties, clubs, and bars. In 2005 it had gotten to the point that I was more worried about having a job to support the clubbing and partying than I was about getting back into school, even though I'd paid my debt off.

Soon I learned that who's who still mattered. At most of the parties and clubs that I went to, I realized that many of the people already knew each other and they were at the clubs and parties to have a good time, not to meet new people. Clubs, parties, and bars are the places where women have their guards up the most because they naturally assume that every guy there is trying to take them home for the night. If I was lucky I'd get a number, and if I was really lucky they'd answer. In short, it was all a waste of time.

I think that everyday settings are probably better because people tend to be more at ease. In a world where women belong to what I call a gender-based-nobility, gaining access will always be harder in a full on dating scene.
 That Handy Man
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 26
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 1/14/2010 6:35:25 PM
It's not easy! But let me start by saying, that being attractive to women (and physical attraction isn't as important to women as it is to men) is a REALLY BIG part of it. Most men, can do much to make themselves more attractive, but fail to. Or they, do things, like get a new car, which is NOT important to (most) women! lol Or, they try and impress them, talk sex, or brag!

I have done MANY things in my life to improve my chances of meeting desireable women, because I too, am somewhat introverted. Unfortunately, most times, I found the women undesirable, or usually the (MOST) desireable ones were taken or had children! And this certainly doesn't get any better as one gets older! lol

I say, call one of those ads on TV (Long Distance Charges Might Apply) where some of the HOTTEST, Young BABES are JUST waiting to talk to YOU!

Then INVEST any money you might have left in Dubai! lol

I guess, the point I'm trying to make in a rather convoluted manner, is that if a guy, doesn't have the opportunity, to meet many women, then at least, he should do all manner of things to improve himself, his chances and his desirability, so that if and when he does meet someone, he stands a fighting chance!

REMEMBER, you only have to find ONE good one!
 Roxy-Ro
Joined: 5/18/2005
Msg: 27
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 1/15/2010 11:11:46 AM
Hello I enjoy being at home more than going out as well but some of that was/is an anxiety disorder as well I would suggest going to the doctor if its bad enough it keeps you from living.
I find once I get out to the club and dancing all my fears go away but I'm not looking to meet anybody there if you go with the mindset of just having fun and not the" what ifs" it may help also know you have an escape plan that if you can't handle a situation than leave.
Don't listen to the people who say snap out of it they have no idea whats going on inside your head and how you feel.
I would work on yourself more before dating maybe go places without the thought of meeting anyone, you know that say when your not looking it will come to you.
"Still waters run deep" us introverts may not be the most exciting but were thoughtful and very caring also very good listeners lol anyway that's my thoughts.

Good luck :)
 That Handy Man
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 28
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 1/16/2010 10:18:35 AM
^^^^I have to agree on the one point in particular there. I know of a few, happy go lucky, excitement and/or drama junkies. None of these people seem to give a sheit about anyone else but themselves! That's just my experience, so yes, I would sooner meet a truly caring introvert, any day of the week, over a social butterfly who in REALITY is VERY SHALLOW!
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 29
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 1/16/2010 12:04:26 PM

Still, I can't help but get this feeling of overwhelming dread that looms over me.


Are you willing to live with this feeling the rest of your life? Sounds to me that you will, since that is the only thing you are going to get the way you are approaching this.

Your problem, besides the fact that you are lazy and live life through excuses, is that you are looking as your goal Mount Everest. So, you immediately look at the mountain and the huge goal that it will entail and your inner voice says, there's no way I can achieve that.

So, start with setting small goals. First one should be, joying a gym. That way you can work out in public. Your objective is not to get ripped, but to get in BETTER shape. Set a plan of cardio by doing some running or spinning. Why is this important, because it sets you into action and only action begets action. You may also try to get into some road races and marathons.

Second, change the way you think. You are an introvert because you are afraid of people. Stop being afraid and start talking to people. That means speak to everybody. Smile to the lady on the supermarket. Try to flirt with her. "You're looking pretty dapper today. You must be having a date." It doesn't matter that she is 70 years old.

Third, remove excuses from your life. Go out more with your friends. Do things. Realize that if the right girl comes by, why would she want to hang out with you, so you two do nothing. Nope, so you can do things together.

Whatever you need to do with your life, you need to start doing it now. Life belongs to those that go get it.
 willo2982
Joined: 7/20/2007
Msg: 30
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 1/16/2010 7:57:02 PM
You could always order pizza from various places hoping the girl of your dreams ends up delivering it.
 That Handy Man
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 31
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 1/17/2010 8:58:19 AM
I like the advice from Out Mind. Formerly???

Yes, play, while out in public. Comment on a ladies shoes, or something (positively). Not someone, you have any interest in. It will make her day, and give you practice and confidence. A win, win situation! Notice how when you smile, at a woman, they almost ALWAYS smile back!
 dale5of7
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 32
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 2/16/2010 5:39:28 PM
.. I have to agree with that first posting gal.. Something for nothing.. you want 6pack abs, but won't work out... You won't have six pack abs without paying a plastic surgeon.. You want a social life, but won't go to socializing events... Porn or a hooker sounds like your only options dude.
It IS laziness champ, but also... When you're talking about a relationship, you're talking about sharing your LIFE with someone... Ask yourself: "Would a woman go out of her way to be part of.. this?" Then look around, think about what your daily life is like... Is that something someone would buy a ticket for? noooop.

But..introversion?. I'M fairly shy person too..at first.. Social graces are NOT my thing, but I know that I"m a pretty outgoing and fun person when people get to know me.. The solution? I try to have fun and go to the effort of making people ABLE to get to know me. Nobody's gonna come to your house and do that for you. Unless you pay her.
 TattooedGymrat
Joined: 12/27/2009
Msg: 33
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 2/16/2010 6:22:35 PM
OP - Abs are over rated.

I'm an introvert too. You can make things better and you have got some good advice in here. A lot of times introverts have low confidence. Google ways to increase confidence, overcome shyness, etc...
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 34
How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 2/17/2010 4:25:21 PM
nobody knows anything of you, other than what you tell them, or what they observe from how you act.
Dont want to be an introvert?.... then dont! go out get off your azz, go enjoy life. you have many years ahead of you before you get to earn a jaded and bitter attitude. Get up, go out, have some damn fun. and if you meet a girl, great, dont be a doushe about it.
 JensenC
Joined: 3/17/2009
Msg: 35
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How can you meet girls if you don't get out?
Posted: 2/17/2010 6:09:53 PM
I can kind of understand where you are coming from. Hanging out at parties and clubs or whatever isn't exactly your thing (personally, I don't think its a good place to find a relationship anyways).

I don't think that has anything to do with being an introvert or whatever. pinning yourself to such labels is silly in my opinion. I agree with the idea of trying to further pursue something that does interest you, its a lot easier to find someway to connect with others that way. you just gotta man up and embrace it. You'll thank yourself later.

And all this talk of working out is reminding me that I gotta work on my shoulders and biceps. haha
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