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 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 85
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Starting a family aged 50+Page 5 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Lots of people in the world think nothing of a male marrying in his 40s or 50s or even later to a woman who is still fertile for the specific purpose of having kids. Traditionally, older males with established social and financial position were regarded as targets for the marriage of the daughters of families, and its still that way in more traditional cultures where the economics and social status of marriage arrangements remain important. What many in the West look upon as "exploitation", "sexual slavery", and basically anti-female is considered perfectly normal in most parts of the world.

Where you are politically is the root of the issue. Nothing in biology says you have to reproduce with someone with 5 years of your age. Its just a preference. Having a family later in life has a lot of benefits, and the only age related issue on the biological front is the one that affects women through menopause. That is not the fault of men. If you want a family, and can find a willing and able partner, go for it. The only difference between those who do have families and those that don't, is that those that don't don't have families.
 almost_elvis
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 87
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 7:21:44 AM
I held out for 20 years waiting for that perverbial younger fertile career woman who would want to start her family with me. Then at age 53, I used the powerful search engine of a local dating site which showed clearly that the vast majority of women in their early forties did not want to (re)start a family.

This revelation allowed me to finally throw in the towel and soon after I found happiness with a woman with adult children. After the resulting common law marriage failed and I was newly single, I asked myself one last time at age 57 if I still foolishly wanted to look for a younger fertile woman. I even had an offer from a 42 year old woman who at the time was unsuccessfully undergoing artificial insemination.

Once I read the information about older dads creating a high risk for autism (see my post number 66), I realized that my fertility days were over even though the plumbing was still working.

But if I the genetic risks were not there for a man my age nor a woman in her forties, I think I might have just gone for it at age 57. My dad recently turned 95 and my mom 92 and my retirement income is higher than the average 35 year old male's salary. Touch wood.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 88
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 7:33:23 AM
What with the "Great Depression" and WW II, my parents could not even think of family formation until into their 40s. There is all kinds of information out there today about the risks associated with older parents, but if you toss yourself into that pot, you will never do anything. There are always risks when having children, but if you are healthy, your parents were or are healthy, and you find a woman that is of similar construction, then by paying attention to making sure that she is healthy and booze, tobacco and drug free during the pregnancy you probably will produce a healthy child.

You could end up with a problem kid, but fear is no reason in itself to deprive yourself of the pleasure of a family life. Along with all the fear of risk information out there there is also a lot of medical diagnostic information that gives you warning and a lot of choice if you wish to take it.

Remember, when it comes to risk, getting into your car and driving to WalMart is about the most hazardous thing you can ever do. Its a lot safer to be in the Army in Afghanistan.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 89
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 7:40:51 AM

Lastly, I also think it's very selfish for a 50+ year old man to be looking to have kids this late in life because he'll be 70+ years old at his own kid's graduation. I've read numerous stories over the years from child born to late-in-life parents - and the majority of them felt 'gypped' because their elderly parents simply weren't able to do with them what younger parents would have been able to do.


Well, none of my kids are able to keep up with me. The only thing I don't do that a younger parent might do is play video games 24/7 with them (aside, or course, from POF, which is a kind of video game). Kids these days spend so much time online, that they are mostly so out of shape that its easy to out pace them in any sort of physical activity.

The trouble with anecdotal evidence is that its very selective. For every case brought up by one person, there are a few dozen contrary cases that can be cited by another person.

In general, I would not worry much about not being able to keep up with kids. I would worry more about finding a woman that could and would keep up with me.....
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 91
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 7:48:02 AM
People want what they want, and as long as it's not harming someone else, why not? Some older men may just really enjoy family life, or love children even if they already have some. If they haven't had any, it can be a drive just as it is for most women - they just have the option to do so later in life.

Personally, I'd rather be castrated with a blunt spoon than have more children at this point in my life!
 almost_elvis
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 92
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 7:55:56 AM
The dating site with the powerful search engine that I referred to in my previous post number 88 indicated that 20% of the male members age 50+ claim to be childless and only 15% of the women in the same age group claim likewise.

Who would you explain this difference of 5% between gender?
 almost_elvis
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 94
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 8:14:58 AM
but still there is this need to reproduce our own genes......


It was seen as taboo to want to reproduce one's own genes back in the 1980's.

Dating agencies would not encourage childless clients to easily identify other childless clients wanting to start families. Agencies wanted to encourage childless people to connect with single parents in need of a partner to help out in raising their existing kids.

Expensive IVF treatments with high failure rates were then seen as socially unjustifiable.

Then the tide changed in the last 10 years and being able to reproduce oneself started to gain popularity as the fertility rate in western countries was falling and governments and the media began to yield.

"Selfish reproduction" as we once called it, is now the new vogue, at least here in Quebec where we had the highest rate of tubal ligations in the western world.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 95
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 9:32:53 AM
There is another situation regarding children as well.

Our daughter passed away due to medical complications from a prescription medication, at age 28. She was married twice before she passed away, having a 12 old and 2 1/2 old daughter from her different husbands. The 12 year old was taken by her natural father the evening of the funeral to his home out of state, unbeknown to us at first, it took us a week to find her. We moved her husband and the 2 1/2 year old in with us. Her second husband was a player to the max, we discovered, and seven months after moving in, he moved out taking his daughter and in with some bimbo.

Now, life moves on, we realized that, however he then, after living with us, us providing for them, denied us the right to see our granddaughter, saying it reminded him of his deceased wife. We ended up taking both our former son-in-laws to court for grandparent visitation rights, winning such in Georgia and Utah. We didn't want to and attempt every possible way to resolve whatever problems were there, but were met with complete resistance to us seeing our granddaughters. This was salt in the wound of our daughters death to us.

Four years go by and we put up with all the hassles of trying to see our granddaughters, and then my wife gets sick. 27 days after finally being diagnosed with liver cancer, she passes away in my arms at Hospice. We were married for over 35 years.

Four months after the death of my wife, I was trying to contact the daddy to my youngest granddaughter to arrange to spend some time with her, and I discover he and his daughter had been thrown out of their house because he was caught screwing the next door neighbor. When I finally find him, out of state where he ran to his step brothers, since he was unemployed at the time, and after talking to his mother and father, who never married, they tell him to get his butt back here to me and get the girl back in school, and he does. They move in with me, and I get him a job, which he screws up, and is back to being unemployed again.

So here I am, retired, widowed, and the primary care giver to a seven year old now and a 32 year old (not by choice, but he is the granddaughters daddy, not much I can do about that). My granddaughter comes first in my book. She has been handed a rough hand to deal with, losing her Mother and Nanna, and having a player daddy. The eldest granddaughter has adapted well, and her daddy is now divorced from his marriage as well. Karma does happen.

It has been over a year and a half since my wife passed away and not one date, probably because I do have to worry about and care for a young child..but I am not dead yet either.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 97
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 10:06:44 AM
pitufina,

Thank you. I am just doing what is right, in my opinion.

Now, if I could find an unattached, sane woman who likes kids, owns a motorcycle dealership, was wealthy, a nymphomaniac..that'd be GREAT!

Oh..if she golfed too..all the better.

Actually..to be realistic, one or two out of those seven would suffice.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 98
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 10:36:38 AM
Pingshooter...the ironic part of this is the AGE of the natural fathers and yet SOME think that that is qualification for being a good daddy...again I state my point...AGE doesnt matter...it is who someone is that determines if they will be a good father or not!

You have been handled a rough deal but I am sure you will agree it has made a better man out of you..you understand the highs and lows of life better now and take nothing for granted! Imagine the wealth of knowledge that you have that you can give to your granddaughters.

Sorry for the lost of your wife, but for your granddaughter emotional and physical safety I would get the department of children services to revolk his rights as a parent and see if you can adopt her. Please document any behavior issue that would make him an unfit parent.

Not all women feel like the op that a man at a certain age would be a bad father or in your case a bad grandfather or would not want kids in their life. You have so much to offer someone any wise woman would realize it by how hard you fought for your granddaughter to be in your life...you arent a quitter at life and that is an awesome quality in a good man.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 99
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 10:39:43 AM
"I've read numerous stories over the years from child born to late-in-life parents - and the majority of them felt 'gypped' because their elderly parents simply weren't able to do with them what younger parents would have been able to do."

I would disagree with that. That is totally up to the people involved. At my age (and within the last six months), I have played dolls, helped dress up (eh, no, I didn't dress up), and colored, engaged in silly games that make no sense, but that wasn't the point..the "game" was the point. You just have to WANT to get involved with the children. It's that simple.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 100
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 10:48:44 AM
sapphire,

Having been a cop for 34 years, I am quite use to the highs and lows of life. The last five years has only solidified my view that our time on this planet is short, make more of it then what you could.

Unfortunately the sperm donor involved here isn't a 'father', but his rights are recognized by the state far more then my rights. And, getting DFACS involved is not the right thing to do, I have worked with those idiots and they would only screw it up more.

It is a day to day affair, with me guiding without pushing, "daddy". I would never deprive my granddaughter her daddy. She loves him, for better or worse, as a child should. However, someday he will have to answer some questions, and they will be damn tough.
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 101
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/9/2009 11:52:14 PM
It doesnt mean you cant provide love, it means it would be harder to partisipate and be an active parent thier whole life if you werent in good enough health
 spunkybum52
Joined: 9/8/2009
Msg: 102
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/10/2009 12:04:30 AM
I do know some older fathers who waited until they were late in life to have children, and know 2 in particular who were over 50. Even though they both love their children to bits, they do think about the possibility of not just dying and leaving them behind, but not being able to be the young father they need when they are small children in school. Both of these men over 50 are not able to cope with the demans that the children bring them, especially the physical sports. I also know another man who was over 50 when his daughter was born, and even though they shared much love, he did pass away and leave her a teenager. But how do you judge to give life or not? Or to receive life or not? I think that loving a child is one of the greatest things in this life and everyone should have that opportunity if they want it, but then I also think they should consider the consequences of such decisions and be able to live with it if they need to.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 105
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/10/2009 7:10:48 AM
IMHO it is about the gift of life....I guess it is how you are raised and what you believe in...I believe that if my parents hadnt had me I wouldnt exist so when I see threads like this when someone is complaining about how they feel it is unfair their parents were old I think how selfish they are being with that thought process cause without the parents they wouldnt be here ...so nonexistance is better than old parents...wow!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 106
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/10/2009 7:30:13 AM
There is no such thing, in my view, as an old parent. Kids don't appear to care much about whether their parents are older or not, they care whether they are loved or not.

My own parents were "older" mainly due to the economic and global war situations in their lifetimes. I was pretty much into my 20s before I even got around to remarking on the fact that there were "younger" parents, as most of the kids I grew up with were from families who developed under similar conditions. Having observed through my friends situations of both "older" and "younger", I have not really noticed the resulting offspring being markedly different, save that the "younger" couplings have tended to be characterized by divorce situations, while the "older" ones tend to last through the child rearing. Of course, I have not checked the statistics on this, and I would not be at all surprised to find out that my own sampling is atypical.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 108
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/10/2009 10:50:30 AM
now that’s just hilarious... you go on believing that baby... maybe someday people will find obese women beautiful too.


Dang, someone lied to me about me being beautiful...

Personally I find many women of all ages, size, colors, shapes to be beautiful...likewise with men...what floats one person's boat doesnt always float another's so Ill believe they were honest with me and have better eyesight than you :P


I choose to not make those mistakes but find that because of all the women who did make mistakes I don't get to have my family.

bottom line

If you can’t produce a paycheque and a baby... what good are you?


I dont see why you feel you cant have a family...no one is stopping you...your feeling that women now are stopping you based on the fact that SOME had a marriage before and now no longer want to be involved in that life style has some effect on you...yes SOME women do not want to raise another family...you do...but that isnt what is stopping you....

that thought process makes as much sense to me as the women who claim men their age are all after younger women, or men who claim all women their age are dating younger guys...these are individuals and it is their choice to live their life their way so how is it really hurting you?

I personally say bravo to those who know what they want out of life and are living it...and those who whine and complain about what others choices that exclude them need to look inside and see why they think other's lives should be to make them happy....
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 110
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/10/2009 11:15:31 AM
Go for it pitufina, the opinions of the naysayers you find about this subject should have no bearing on what you do in life. I know lots of perfectly happy "older" man, "younger" woman families, and the women are neither naive, gold diggers, stupid nor needy.

In fact, the only difference I notice between them and the naysayers is they have a loving husband to cuddle up to in bed at night and the sounds of their children to wake up to in the morning....
 aSydneyMale
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 113
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/10/2009 5:16:50 PM

Age is irrelevant. My first husband died at 34. One of my freind's husband died at 29, and left her with an infant to raise. Lynn lost her husband last year from severe malignant cancer at age 48 with 2 teenage kids at home. You don't know what measure of years we have each been dealt, and we must play the game with the cards we have in our hand.

Agreed.

For all we know this is all we've got, so we must make the best of it. I'm not sure I'll have any more children, I have three beautiful sons already (my youngest turns 9 today!), but I know men who've been fathers in their '50's and have been great dads. My own father had my twin brother and I at 48, we had 21 great years with him and couldn't imagine a better childhood. He was a great man who gave us his time and enjoyed fatherhood. He was one of the funniest men I've ever met.
 islnds50
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 114
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/11/2009 5:10:49 AM
Kudos to you SIR

I wish I was so lucky to be able to father children at that age, I am 59 now and nothing would make me happier then to have a loving wife and youngsters again. I missed out on raising my 2, My fault all together, and yes grand children are nice but they are not the same.

The original OP, with her statements has some good points, but I would tend to think that what ever time one has with their parents is to be cherished. My folks are now in their late 80's and still as active as they were in their 50's almost.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 115
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/11/2009 5:36:21 PM
As a retired cop of 34 years, who I dealt with, wasn't necessarily a friend.
 ninjaeleven
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 119
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Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/15/2009 10:54:52 PM
hey know it all, loosing is wrong. the word is losing. Selfish huh? you judge us and yet many younger men are awful parents.
 WalksOnWater2
Joined: 5/19/2009
Msg: 121
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/16/2009 5:10:24 PM
My grandma had an "accident" and got pregnant at age 51 with her last child (grandpa was 53).
I remember her telling me (and blushing all over) :
"Then the whole village knew, what was your grandpa's hobby - Such an embarrassment!"
I thought that was the funniest thing ever!
They both lived long enough to see their last kid grow up and get killed in the war.

I happen to be one of them kids though, who's father died before I was grown up.
I wasn't yet 14. My dad was gone at an age when everyone else had a father to love them an spoil them. I was jealous of kids with dads. I wouldn't wish that to anyone.
Sure, anyone can die anytime, but having kids later in life presents the risk that they might be left without you, just when they need you the most.

 Brownlady1953
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 122
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/20/2009 8:16:49 AM
Children do care, very much (especially in this day and age), about the age, race, and weight of their parents........

And if you aren't "just right" in their eyes, you will catch HELL, as they blame your lack of (whatever), for what's wrong with their lives....
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 123
Starting a family aged 50+
Posted: 11/20/2009 9:19:08 AM

Children do care, very much (especially in this day and age), about the age, race, and weight of their parents........

And if you aren't "just right" in their eyes, you will catch HELL, as they blame your lack of (whatever), for what's wrong with their lives....


that is complete and utter bs, children copy what they learn so if the parents are that shallow then they will be that shallow...

SOME kids are raised to appreciate things and the age, race and weight of their parents are so insignificant compared to having good parents to teach them responsibility of accepting and appreciating WHO they are and not blaming others... Most people who are a certain heritage teach their children to be proud of that and they should be proud.

You really think kids blame their parents if they are asian and they want to be white, or if they are white and want to be black and their parents should allow that to be used as a cop out for a lack in their child? You feel that this is doing the child a favor by allowing that mindset to continue, seriously?

I remember when I had cancer and had to walk into the school with no hair to give my child's band director something in front of the whole band, I heard the whispers about my lack of hair but my child and their friends came up and hugged me and they were proud of the progress i had made JUST SIMPLY TO BE THERE and not dead...they could care less about what I looked like.

What has happened to our values that we let unimportant things be a guide to what is right in our lives? I shouldnt have kids cause Im not the right race? I shouldnt have kids cause they might not like my appearance, nevermind I would be a better parent than the kids who have the crack mommas, or the ones with a rotating door for the father flavor of the week.

Children are a blessing but it is also an obligation and allowing any child to harbor this type of entitlement about who their parents are will not make for a mentally healthy adult.
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