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 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 45
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?Page 2 of 26    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26)

...but where the best of them falter is understanding the differences between men and women. Ironically, some women think men want a challenge because, in reality, women want a challenge.

I think you're exactly right about the projection thing going on, and not working.

Like a Zen Koan, men who get women don't need them and don't want them. They aren't pretending. They don't want them and they don't need them.

Women look at the behavior of such men, the ones who are most desirable and who they want most, and think the same thing will work for them, that it will make men want them more, which it won't because guys interpret disinterest as, well, disinterest (i.e., literally and at face value). Guys don't have the vanity to look at a woman minding her own business and paying him no attention whatseover and say to themselves "She wants me. She wants me bad!".
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 47
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:16:07 AM
I have never had a problem initiating contact with a man and very few seem to have a problem with it. Most of the men I've known have been flattered by the attention.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 48
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:29:10 AM
Geez, I dunno. The only man I see pursued me, well, he pursued me in the beginning. Now it's pretty even. He pursues me and I pursue him back. If there is mutual interest, for me, it's mutual pursuing. I don't get into any of these silly rules, guidelines, and or other silliness that seems to complicate something that really shouldn't be complicated. JMO
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 49
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:33:56 AM
I've pursued men before. Why not? If you see someone that you find attractive, and want to talk to, then why not pursue?

I suppose some women still believe that men should do all of the pursuing, but I don't see anything wrong with taking the first step. For all anyone knows, something good could come out of it.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 52
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:13:11 AM

Personally I think if either party pursues, the other end isn't THAT interested. Showing interest is better than chasing - if you're chasing the other person has to be running.


Give this girl a prize. Brilliant post.

I'll disagree somewhat, though part of this could hinge on the semantics surrounding exactly what's meant by "pursuing", "showing interest", and "chasing".

The fact is, if someone with a value on the mating market of 4 wants a 7 they're going to have to do the "pursuing" and "chasing". The 7 just isn't gonna go after the 4 with anything other than a very brief and casual hit and run approach, and even then that's only likely to happen rarely.

If the 4 merely "shows interest", it's not going to go anywhere 99 times out of 100. It doesn't matter whether the 4 is the man and the 7 is the woman, or the other way around. Almost by definition, the person with the higher value is going to pull back a little bit (the "running" part) because they instinctively know they can do better.

What's wrong with those rules type books is that they try and flatter the woman purchaser by telling her she's a 10, which she most likely isn't. (HJNTIY goes further by making all guys out to be zeroes, but that doesn't change the basic ordering, only its magnitude.) The problem with the average woman, who is by definition a 5, is that she too often wants to be pursued by an 8 or a 10 the way a 2 or a 3 would, which isn't gonna happen no matter how much she holds out or believes it's his job to do so or that it's in his inherent nature to be the pursuer/chaser -- it isn't, because the behavior depends on the relative values of the two people involved, not their genders.

Obviously, things are going to go in the direction of more mutual and equal pursuing when the two people are more or less at the same relative value level, give or take its inevitable slight variation owing to individual taste. The best that can happen is for both parties to over-estimate the value of the other. It can happen, but I think it does so rarely.

Long story short, if a woman demands a man pursue her, she needs to be content always dating below her level, because that's who's going to pursue her. This is one of the reasons women so often seem to end up with jerks and losers. If they want a great guy, the odds are very great they're going to have to go after him, and not just by "showing interest". Same as for men if they want a really great gal.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 53
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:27:22 AM
I'll disagree somewhat, though part of this could hinge on the semantics surrounding exactly what's meant by "pursuing", "showing interest", and "chasing".

No problem; in my case it means:

Chasing - going after someone to the point where it's relentless and uncomfortable, regardless of the other person's interest. I believe you even put off interested parties with this approach.

Pursuing - continually trying to impress someone you're interested in without knowledge of mutual interest....brings you a lot of people who'll go along with it cause they like the attention but may not reciprocate - if you required them to.

Showing interest - letting someone know you have interest and then stepping back and allowing them to respond (or not).

I prefer the last option because as a woman, I never appreciated being pursued or chased by a man - in both cases I've never encountered a man who cared if I was actually interested. In order to pursue me, it's almost certain that I don't know I want to be caught - so the interest tends to be one sided.

Carry on.
 Snotsure
Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 54
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:30:36 AM
I want to say this with the utmost of sincerity. Doesn't it all come down to the two individuals? Who gives a ratzazz who starts what... it's about mutual attraction and subsequent behaviors. I met someone recently who told me flat out that she would not contact me and that, and I quote; "the guy has to go after me". She then proceeded to advise me that if I wanted to date her I would have to follow certain guidelines, such as "book in advance, I do not accept dates unless I have more than 4 days notice." I was also informed that she would be dating multiple men and then making a choice.

How did this make me feel? Well, suffice it to say, it made me feel like losing her number and "pursuing" someone that made me feel like there was at least somewhat of a mutual attraction. Will I pursue this woman? Not bloody likely.

Know what... she contacted me first! She came after me. Bit then she had a "rule book" and everything turned to shit.

It doesn't have to be this hard. The games are for the kids. Give me a woman that tells it like it is, and accepts it back, and we are clear for take off.

Oh... and I have a raging hard on.
 OLIZAY
Joined: 5/4/2007
Msg: 55
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:35:42 AM
As a man I'd love for a woman to pursue, let's me know she is interested. Any guy who says he wouldn't want that is full of crap. All the chasing and pursuing men do, it'd be nice to have a woman pursue.
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 56
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:39:14 AM
bad*monkeyfunker....we were discussing men in general and their attitudes and actions...not you...you freely admit you are not decent....however, you are under the mistaken believe there is this body of righteous gentlemen who we women should pursue...these men are different....honorable and trustworthy......i say again....show me the proof.....
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 57
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 11:49:18 AM
A woman "shouldn't" pursue a man? I'm all for a woman pursuing, as in the one to initiate demonstrating interest or asking out. I'm more interested in the reasons why a woman shouldn't in this day and age. I thought we were no longer living in the days of suitors leaving calling cards at the front door and chaperones for women until they were married. If we shouldn't because it's not deemed "lady-like", there's a good chance she's going to be TOO "lady-like" in other aspects of a relationship and have too many other rules with respect to hard and fast gender specific roles. I hate rules as much as I hate roles.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 58
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 12:34:55 PM
as kids, men did the dance of shame (coined by a male friend of mine), walking back across the dance floor after being rejected. i never thought about this. i was the wallflower longing to be asked. recently, some of my male friends have brought this up. i have also heard that some men think that women hold some sort of "power". i find this strange.

women have more bonding hormone, in preparation for childbearing. so, they have tended to bond, along with their sexuality. in today's times, it's supposed to be more acceptable to be sexual just for sexuality's sake. still, there is a range amongst both men and women.

yes, there are numerous books written for women which say not to "pursue" a man. i'm not sure that means not to make the first contact though. there are also many courses and books telling men how to pursue women however.

i wouldn't get in such a snit about it. people who are game players, will play games no matter who contacts who first. however, there are genuine people who try to behave in a way that "works". not everyone is about evil. personally, i have learned to back off some and see if the man is interested in me. however, that also could be said for the men. the bottom line is that you need to see some sort of flow between two people. some of the old fashioned chivalrous stuff is rather nice. however, the women also do things to nurture the male, while he is in hunt/provide mode. so economically, it can be fair. i haven't read his stuff yet, but another pof'er claims that a man named deida, writes some good books about how to balance all this out.

 SexySize2
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 60
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:04:07 PM
Gosh every guy I have asked this question always answers it the same way!!! I would love a woman to pursue me...but when it comes down to becoming serious with that person...they also answer the same way...well, now that I think about it, none of these women initiating relationships have ever lasted into something more serious. Of course I am sure there are always exceptions to every rule...but thats what my chitchat with guy friends has come up with!!!!
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 61
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:09:00 PM
I do not believe in that statement, personally i think it comes down to what you say and how you say something when it comes to women approaching me. I had only one experience and actually how she approached me was flattering, yeah i know i sound like a female. Now if there is a girl who is throwing herself at me in sexually suggestive ways especially at my age now, I am more likely to be turned off, at the same time if she comes at me with some class, i don't see anything wrong with that. forget these stinking rules we have.
 lawgeek74
Joined: 3/7/2005
Msg: 63
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:17:53 PM
I disagree. They should. I don't think women will ever subject themselves to the rejection that men go through en mass. I think they should try to be more proactive when trying to get a mate. All that said, I have had some great relationships start when a woman cont5acted me first.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 65
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:53:20 PM
I don't think I would want to pursue a man, I am a
super sensitive for rejection, and I have observed a few friends who pursued their younger husbands , sadly their husband throwed it to their faces ,an excused for their womanizing...

A man is like a Horse ~ You can lead a Horse to a water trough but you can not make him drink if he doesn't want to drink... Is that makes sense ?????
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 69
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 2:43:42 PM

YES WOMEN SHOULDN'T PURSUE MEN PERIOD


Women, don't ever try to go against the nature period


Wanderingsoul, how do you come up with the conclusion that if a woman pursues a man she is going against nature? Why shouldn't a woman be able to express her interest in a man without upsetting the natural order? If a woman is attracted to a man and wants to get to know him, why should she sit back and play the waiting game, like a southern belle waiting for her gentleman callers or beaus to come to the door and woo her? Aren't we past that stereotype where the man has to be the one to take the initiative while the woman waits and hopes for him to make the first move? I would certainly hope so.

I know enough about men to realize they enjoy and respond to being approached and I have enough confidence and self-esteem that a "No, thank you" isn't going to crush me or bring me to tears. If we want to be treated as equals then it's time we start acting as equals. Why should men run all the risk of being rejected and always have to take the initiative? I pursued my late husband and it was the best relationship of my life until now. How sad to think we may have missed being together because I was afraid of being rejected or that it may 'go against nature'. That is absurd!
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 70
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 2:55:48 PM
bad*monkeyfunker....in your long list of qualities you fail to mention how they treat women...exterior qualities don't always show what is in your heart...a man may appear to you to be a ..good catch...yet may be hell to live with or treat women poorly when no one is watching...it comes under the heading ...be careful what you wish for...these men ..as i have said repeatedly ..may not be as fine and wonderful as you persist in believing...
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 71
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 2:56:06 PM

women in my age group were brought up that the men should initiate all of the contact for at least a very long time.
I must have missed that memo, maybe it's because i'm a few years older than you....

If i see i man i want i'm surely not going to sit around and "hope" he notices me, i'm going to make sure he knows i'm there and that i'm interested. If i'm online i'm going to send him an email (which i did with my current partner who i met on here).

In saying that, if he doesn't indicate any return interest i'm not going to put much effort into any kind of pursuit.. In my opinion if he's interested i won't need to pursue, he'll show me that he's interested... Same as when a guy shows me interest, if i'm interested back he won't need to pursue because i'll show him i'm interested back.. Easy huh!

I can't see any reason for either party to not initiate phone calls etc after you been on a date. I really can't see any man who is interested in me saying "Oh no, she initiated a phone call to me, i'm not interested in a woman like that"..
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 74
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:07:12 PM
I have to wonder sometimes if this pursuit/initiation of first contact also follows through with how people wind up being sexually aggressive with each other as well. You have many men here saying they woud love if they didn't feel they always had to make the first move when it comes to dating. You also have very many men who feel they have to make the first move when it comes to all the sexual advances, even during a ltr, or they'd never get any. Do you think there's any correlation? I figure there likely is with all the brain washing of "good girls don't" both with respect to dating and sex and then it becomes an inherent part of their personality that's difficult to break away from.
 StevieCashmere
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 75
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:22:42 PM
A Decent person should chase & be chased otherwise the imbalance leads to valueles & futile relationship
There' no value in chasing a man\woman if they won't chase you - & the chase is for the lifetime of a relationship, & not in the form of 'courting'

~sc~
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 76
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:43:27 PM

In saying that, if he doesn't indicate any return interest i'm not going to put much effort into any kind of pursuit.. In my opinion if he's interested i won't need to pursue, he'll show me that he's interested... Same as when a guy shows me interest, if i'm interested back he won't need to pursue because i'll show him i'm interested back.. Easy huh!

Exactly. It's not overly complicated. You serve, he hits the ball back (or doesn't swing). He serves, you hit the ball back (or stand there and let it go if not interested). Wash, rinse, repeat.

Yep, I like that too. I appreciate it in return because then you have expressed your interest (done your part so to speak) and the next is theirs whether they wish to or not. It's easy that way.

It is. It's way better to know someone's interested and shows it before you then take the next step - and it's also nice to be allowed to yay or nay someone else's advances before the real pursuit or whatever they feel they need to do kicks in.

It's that whole "don't worship me before I've earned it" thing. People sometimes forget to wait on impressing someone until that someone cares enough to appreciate the impressing.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 77
IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:44:12 PM

When is that urban legend going to fricken' die already??

From a lot of the responses in this and other topics about not having sex until x amount of time has passed and the man being the pursuer/provider, blah blah blah, ad nauseum, it's not entirely an urban legand. I prefer to call those type of women "throw backs" in modern day society. The good thing is that for every woman with that type of mentality, there's a man who appreciates that mentality. It's just not for me.
 NYCman530
Joined: 7/6/2009
Msg: 80
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IS IT TRUE THAT A WOMAN SHOULDN’T PURSUE A MAN?
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:12:38 PM
In most cases, as a man. I feel I should take the lead when meeting in person providing she gives off signals that she's interested, such as body language, eye contact, a nice smike, etc. However, when women pursue me, I'm pleased and flattered, providing there's mutual attraction and if she doesn't come off as being too needy. As far as emails are concerned, I feel men or women should initiate it if interested.
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