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 AUTHOR
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 49
Living expenses and pride..Page 2 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
OP... I am not going to climb on board to lambaste you for your decision because I realize that it's not going to help you to "see" what many of the other posters are trying to help you "see". You are indeed making financial decisions with your heart and I understand this because I have done it too. At the time that you allowed this person to move in, you were struggling mightily with your expenses and your loneliness so you were thinking you could, at very least, cut down on the loneliness that made everything else so much worse. Am I right? All of the things that you have listed that he does for you, are things that previously increased your burdens?

You decided to charge him $400 per month which is a rather paltry sum and that tells me that you are actually paying him for whatever he does by way of not having him pay for his actual living expenses, with the exception of the $400. For example, if his living expenses would actually be $1400.00 per month (rent, utilities, food, clothing, transportation etc.), but you are only charging him $400, you are actually paying him $1000 per month for what he does (or $1400 when he doesn't pay the $400 you originally requested) for you around the house and for your family and friends. Do you see that??

The question becomes... Do you have an extra $1400 to spend? Really?

I read in your posting history that you have not asked for child support help from your daughter's father and that you have no savings, college fund for your daughter or anything else. You are working 2 jobs at a time in your 14 year old daughter's life when she needs EXTRA vigilance and supervision. (The owies she gets now are far worse than those of her childhood, as you likely know.) Your "pride" is costing you big bucks and I would venture to guess that if we included your child support forfeiture, the numbers would grow exponentially.

It's wonderful to be in a position to be able to afford such generosity but the problem is, you aren't in that position. That's the reality of the whole situation. The person who REALLY need the break, was YOU... not him! You are giving him a break but... where's yours??? He's an unemployed single man who is receiving EI benefits from an ironworker's wages which means they are likely more than adequate for him to actually be able to pay his real share. You are a single Mom who is working 2 jobs to pay for everybody while forfeiting the time you need to be there for your teenage daughter. So, the question you need to ask yourself is: "Would he stay with me if I asked him to pay a 1/3rd of the full living expenses here?" What would your answer to that question be? If you know in your heart that he would go, then you can't avoid the fact that you are paying for your companionship and the question becomes whether or not you (1) feel that you must "buy" his love and (2) you can afford to pay for what should rightfully be free-flowing from a man who knows he is with a struggling single mom.

The bottom line here is that there are agencies which would help with your mom's care and it was up to your niece to find a way to move. Single parents simply cannot afford the kind of generosity you appear to want to be capable of... If your answer to the question about whether or not he would be there if he had to pay his full share is "no", then you would need to ask yourself why you feel you can dispense with financial prudence when you so obviously, should not be doing so AND your reasons to have self-esteem at the same time.

When you are in your 50's and struggling to keep going because you're overtired and the stress has played hell on your health, you will be drenched in regret for the "pride" that cost you so very much over the years. When you can't afford to help your daughter with the expense of higher education, you will privately have to stomp on your own anguish. When you turn around and you are alone anyway because he was just there for the "good deal", you will wonder what you were ever thinking to have reduced yourself to someone who had to pay for companionship.

The expense to you is far greater than the $400 per month. It is about your future and whether or not you will EVER be able to recoup these forfeited monies. I doubt that you will but even worse, is the loss of reasons for you to believe in your own value. It is what WE do that gives us the basis for our self-esteem. As long as you are making sacrificial decisions, you will not be able to develop your self-worth.

Don't do it. Just don't do it....
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 50
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 11/12/2009 12:25:46 PM
I've been through that. They offer to help with expenses, then once they are in, they don't help. It was alway "Barb, no food left in fridge! Barb we're out of toilet paper!" Big old Peter Griffin type dud used twice as much tp as I did, slept all day, hardly worked, did not contribute anything.

That's why I pulled in the Welcome mat! No more co-habitating.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 51
view profile
History
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 11/12/2009 1:03:24 PM
OP - are you afraid of being accused of being a "golddigger"? Your "pride" may be that old "I don't NEED anyone, I can do it myself" thing rearing it's ugly head. Sometimes a good thing (wanting to be able to pull your own weight, wanting to feel you aren't "using" someone) can be a bad thing when it goes too far. I had trouble at a point in my life, accepting help in many different forms, in different types of relationships. Someone said to me - "you've spent so much time doing things for other, and don't you think that the people who love you wouldn't want to do for you when you need it"?

OP - I'm leaving him out of this discussion. What is it in YOU that makes you hesitant or afraid to talk to him about it? And - don't you see that in a relationship that is healthy, you should be able to discuss anything? Sure some things are uncomfortable...but they have to be done.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 52
view profile
History
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 11/12/2009 1:26:04 PM
msg.50

<div class="quote"> Hey I have some friends that would be willing to live for free and will do a nice job servicing you. let me know.


Serenity Sam, if your friend is the one who author that topic ~~~~ Love Quality Of Life And who Pay~~~~~~ Hook me up to him ,but I ain't paying any monie , I'll barter and trade...


Truly there is NO free ride and dinner in this world .... for both men and women.. It is money talks.

But there is the story of the Bad Wolf And Little Miss Ridinghood..................,
 onetruesweetheart
Joined: 6/24/2009
Msg: 54
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 11/12/2009 2:25:28 PM
I have been in this situation, and I feel your pain. I think you're exactly right, a grown up would have the money in your hand without you having to mention it, so TAKE HEED to the lesson you're learning about who he is.

As far as your pride, I understand that as well. Women are conditioned from birth to 'be nice' and not rock the boat. But in this case, the two of you had an agreement, there is nothing rude or shameful about expecting someone to honor their obligations to you, so don't feel bad about speaking up. Don't mistake being assertive with being rude... By not pulling his own weight, he's taking food out of your children's mouth, and stealing from them. Make sure you're too proud to help enable someone to do that to them.
 WasabiGal
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 55
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 11/12/2009 5:10:48 PM

But most importantly he makes me laugh. He makes me feel good about myself, he dosen't judge me, he wants to spend every free minute with me, he calls me, texts me, he is in most ways the perfect man. I am not defending him.


see Msg 31... Sadly, I think I was right. You probably are feeling closer and more protective of him then ever before.... And sadly, all the posters who tried to make you understand how messed up this relationship is, all they have done is made you more attached to him. You post on the forums, ostensibly for feedback because a voice, albeit a small voice, but a voice nonetheless is telling you that something is wrong. But you can't hear the voice (and you don't want to hear it) when you are busy raising your own defending him...telling us that---

he is in most ways the perfect man
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 60
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 11/12/2009 6:14:32 PM
OP: How long did you know one another/date before he moved in?

I agree that you should NOT have to ask him for his share. Sit him down and tell him how you feel. The longer you allow this, the longer he will assume it's ok.

Good luck!
 Jewlsey*
Joined: 1/24/2009
Msg: 62
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 11/12/2009 6:29:06 PM

His employment has been spotty....not for lack of trying, just not much work in his field in this area right now. But he does get unemployment when he's not working.
Op- you're working 2, I repeat 2 friggin' jobs to make ends meet. Are they in your field?. There's no worse excuse than 'I can't find something in my field' bullsh*t'. An adult will do whatever it takes to meet their obligations. To me, he sounds lazy. So what he does laundry and cooks - were you looking for a housekeeper or a partner? I'm quite sure a housekeeper is actually cheaper and drama free. I agree with other posters - pay or get out.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 63
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 11/12/2009 6:40:30 PM
Nope. Not pride. *False Pride*. . . . Real pride is know who you are, what your worth is, and expecting that worth to be respected. If it isn't, pride will make you do something about it. False Pride will "suck it up" ~~ and then complain.

I realize that the employment situation is pretty grim, and if one had to, one could work out an exchange and deficit (IOU) situation. With the right guy. But saying nothing rather implies that you're going to let it go, when in fact that isn't the case, is it?

Do yourself and him the favor of talking to him about how you feel rather than expecting him to mind read.

Good luck.

 myluv4you
Joined: 1/30/2007
Msg: 65
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 11/12/2009 7:16:57 PM
in some states, like mine : you invite someone to live with you ( even for a short time ) you HAVE to go to court to get them evicted......

short version : you throw his crap out, he calls the law, says he lived there ( and probably has proof ) they will turn around and walk away while he busts the front door down. (legally) . its considered HIS residence too.

file an eviction and THEN have him served. it'll take a week if he's a non-paying "guest" and will save you the trouble of him claiming "homestead".

on the other hand....if your state doesnt have those laws on the books, you might be able to just kick him out. talk to the cops first, though...
 curiousaboutu77
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 67
view profile
History
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 11/13/2009 12:08:56 AM
This is how frustration in relationships builds as nothing is being addressed. The communication between you is pretty bad if you can't even discuss how much money is required to run the household and what his share is. He obviously doesn't feel a need to pull his weight and he obviously doesn't care about how much you are struggling so that adds to the frustration. At least if there is communication and he still doesn't bother, then it is time to move on. If you don't say anything this is just going to fester.
 CookieLady66
Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 68
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 11/13/2009 6:02:37 AM
I hate to tell you this, but you will never see any of the $$ he owes you.

I've been here & done this and I can tell you that he's going to stay and stay until you finally kick him out, and I'm betting he still won't have a job!

Get Free....Quick!!
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 69
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 11/13/2009 7:49:58 AM
OP - I recognize something you said.

recognize my own shortcomings. Which is perhaps why I am not so quick to judge anyone else, I know I am not perfect, I don't expect that in anyone else either.

I used that very same thinking to enable my bi-polar ex husband to practically bankrupt me for 14 years. I want you to step back - and pretend you are counseling your best friend. She's come to you with a dilemma - her boyfriend moved in, agreed to pay rent, but hasn't. She's struggling financially, working 2 jobs. What would your advice to your friend be? Now, BE THAT FRIEND.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 70
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 11/14/2009 7:26:06 AM
The OP is a perfect example of how a guy doesn't really need to bring anything to a relationship: he just has to ring her bell once or twice, and she'll be hooked.

Binroe
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 72
view profile
History
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 11/14/2009 8:12:24 AM

Good grief Kitten Cat-have you nothing better to do than read forums all evening???



Me thinks, When Kittencat ~~~ is reading the forum,she is on her break time of her hectic Datings...

Highfive Kitty Cat !!!!!!!!!!!




 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 73
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History
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 11/14/2009 12:34:36 PM
He's a douche, tell him to give you the money or get out, he is taking what little you have away from your kids, only thing you should be worried about.
 The_Fisch
Joined: 11/30/2009
Msg: 74
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 12/7/2009 8:47:57 PM
He's acting like a bum. Unless he's one of those very rare individuals who honestly forgets all those "minor details" or he has some kind of brain damage, then he knows exactly what he owes you.

What was he spending on rent, food, entertainment, and everything else before he moved in with you? If you're really in a serious relationship, or if we were worth your time, he'd be offering that same amount of money towards your new combined household.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 76
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/14/2014 1:20:05 PM
Damn, I wish I could meet a woman that only wanted $400 a week to live at her place.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 77
view profile
History
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/14/2014 2:21:10 PM
If you didn't know him well enough when you let him live with you, then you're certainly getting to know him NOW, I would think...
If you have to TELL him that he can't live with you for FREE, PAY ATTENTION!!! This is something that really shouldn't even require a conversation when you're an adult. It speaks to me as a self-centered and entitled personality that has ONLY his OWN best interests at heart.
And if he is spending time with your daughter I would be REALLY leery about that, myself...There are a lot of predators out there, and you can't be too careful....
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 78
view profile
History
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/14/2014 2:50:42 PM
Stop kidding yourselves.

There are hundreds of thousands, if not millions of women (single mothers/head of households) in America, who have a chronically unemployed or underemployed male living in the house with them.

That is a fact.

My guess is that, more often than not, the guy is not the biological to more than 1 of the children, if any.

Despite their vociferous protests to the contrary, many, many women prefer having a half-@$$ed man, to having no man.

I overstand the whole "laying pipe" thing, but what I have never understood,
is how,
a (working) mother doesn't see,
the simple math in this situation.

1 large box of Cheerios might last 2 children a week.
1 large box of Cheerios split by 2 children and one grown @$$ male, miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight last a day.

"Back in the day" there used to be a saying, "I can do bad by my d@mnself."

Over the years, I have heard dozens and dozens of similar stories from friends, acquaintances, and coworkers.

I have not heard anyone say that ("I can do bad by my d@mnself"), in a looooooooong time. But, then again, the world has been "upside down" for the past 30 years...................easily.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 79
view profile
History
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/14/2014 3:32:52 PM
5 year NECRROOO THREAD.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 80
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/14/2014 4:14:36 PM
whilst acknowledging the antiqity of the thread...

Despite their vociferous protests to the contrary, many, many women prefer having a half-@$$ed man, to having no man.

And there are plenty of half-arsed men out there who seem to bank on this. And they are almost universally shocked beyond belief when a woman says "hell no you ain't moving in with me."
Cindy O
 Ainen
Joined: 6/27/2013
Msg: 81
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/14/2014 5:01:52 PM
My food expenses in 2014 are under $150 a *month*.

The OP claims her man in 2009 ate more than $100 a week.

Granted, I'm a stick figure who disappears upon turning sideways, but even if the dude consumed twice as much as I do, he was still allegedly costing much more.

What was she getting for groceries, filet mignon at Whole Foods?

Annoying to hear inflated cost claims.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 82
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/14/2014 6:30:44 PM
^^^ you eating twigs and berries? I spend that weekly and SO doesn't dine here nightly.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 83
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/14/2014 7:40:35 PM
Yeah, I want to know too. A couple days ago, i bought bread, milk, lunch meat, jelly, some fruit, and a few tomatoes, and spent $60.
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