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 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 84
Living expenses and pride..Page 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
pride my ass. money that is supposed to go to a kid, goes to a bum instead. period. THAT is the reason you close off the hole in your purse.

it isn't pride that keeps one from facing the truth. its fear that keeps one from facing the truth.

and yes, there are lots of people doing lots of things...b/c someone lets them.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 85
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/14/2014 9:20:04 PM

My S.O. moved in about two months ago



If the situation were reversed I would have his money to him weekly without the need to be asked for it. That's just being a "grown up" in my eyes.


Then you should have chosen a "grownup" for an S. O.


My food expenses in 2014 are under $150 a *month*.


Mine, too. Way under.

A lot of people waste a lot of food.

See the documentaries:

"Taste the Waste"
"Just Eat It"
'Dive! the Film"
 BLoNDeANGeL845
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 86
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/15/2014 5:18:27 AM
If you didn't know him well enough when you let him live with you, then you're certainly getting to know him NOW, I would think...
If you have to TELL him that he can't live with you for FREE, PAY ATTENTION!!! This is something that really shouldn't even require a conversation when you're an adult. It speaks to me as a self-centered and entitled personality that has ONLY his OWN best interests at heart.
And if he is spending time with your daughter I would be REALLY leery about that, myself...There are a lot of predators out there, and you can't be too careful....

It takes one to know one...any parent who puts a stranger or even another person's financial needs ahead of their kids just so they do not have to be alone is a self-centered and entitled personality that has ONLY their OWN best interests at heart & so I guess Op met her match...

There are hundreds of thousands, if not millions of women (single mothers/head of households) in America, who have a chronically unemployed or underemployed male living in the house with them.

That is a fact.

My guess is that, more often than not, the guy is not the biological to more than 1 of the children, if any.

Despite their vociferous protests to the contrary, many, many women prefer having a half-@$$ed man, to having no man.

I overstand the whole "laying pipe" thing, but what I have never understood,
is how,
a (working) mother doesn't see,
the simple math in this situation.

1 large box of Cheerios might last 2 children a week.
1 large box of Cheerios split by 2 children and one grown @$$ male, miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight last a day.

"Back in the day" there used to be a saying, "I can do bad by my d@mnself."

Over the years, I have heard dozens and dozens of similar stories from friends, acquaintances, and coworkers.

I have not heard anyone say that ("I can do bad by my d@mnself"), in a looooooooong time. But, then again, the world has been "upside down" for the past 30 years...................easily.

This is why I embrace NOT going Dutch & being COURTED- in the past when I had "children" & even now- it screens out the half-assed men pretty damn quick.
But that may make the OP a "gold-digger"- expecting a man to ante-up.
Basically, she was paying for a man to sleep w/ her, a form of prostitution!
And aside from the expense of groceries, what about utilities, etc?


And there are plenty of half-arsed men out there who seem to bank on this. And they are almost universally shocked beyond belief when a woman says "hell no you ain't moving in with me."
I agree, but I think these types of men know exactly WHO TO TARGET- they make a career out of it- I call it "couch surfing"- when in b/w women, they find friends & relatives & sleep on their couch. Oh & do you think they populate PAY sites, or FREE sites?
;0P
gold digger much???



Then you should have chosen a "grownup" for an S. O.
OP needs to grow up, like attracts like...
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 87
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/15/2014 2:39:17 PM
kit728- You already discussed it with him before he moved in. He knows he agreed to pay 100 a week. If he was any kind of a man, you wouldn't have to ask, he would have given you the money from the beginning, just like he said he would.
Making you ask is immature and selfish on his part.
You are being used!
Here are your choices:
Continue as is and let him take money from you and short change yourself and your children
Ask him for the money and let him know that you won't ask again, that he is to give it to you each and every week without you having to ask for it.
Kick him out and consider this a lesson learned.
(the last one gets my vote, I have NO respect for a (so called) man who would mooch off of a single mother! :(
 sunsetsam
Joined: 8/25/2014
Msg: 88
This topic is 5 YEARS OLD....THE OP IS G O N E
Posted: 9/15/2014 2:49:51 PM

My S.O. moved in about two months ago


So that would be what.... september 2009 ?
 Nj2ut
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 89
This topic is 5 YEARS OLD....THE OP IS G O N E
Posted: 9/15/2014 5:19:09 PM
I know this an old thread (side note: I think they should delete threads after two years especially if the original poster has deleted their profile).

What's with this "real man" stuff. If she had the same arrangement with her sister or a female friend and they weren't paying their share on time, I'm sure no one would go "well if she was a real woman". She should take some ownership in who moves into her house with children. Me personally, as a single father,.no woman is moving into my house or I move into theirs until she's a fiancé and a wedding date in place.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 90
view profile
History
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/16/2014 1:51:19 AM

It takes one to know one...any parent who puts a stranger or even another person's financial needs ahead of their kids just so they do not have to be alone is a self-centered and entitled personality that has ONLY their OWN best interests at heart & so I guess Op met her match...

Not sure if this was directed at ME or the OP (who is no longer here, I heard) but either way, seems a bit HARSH to me, not to mention judegemental...If you read the original post correctly,you would know that it WAS discussed BEFORE he moved in, he just hasn't lived up to his end of the bargain. Somehow I doubt he is "taking food from her children's mouths" as you put it after two months, but hey, what do I know? Don't know many women that would tolerate that on a long-term basis if their children are being deprived of FOOD to feed an unemployed man...Especially if this guy is going out and spending money on HER kids.
Why does that make HER self-centered and entitled?
She's trying to get her own (adult) needs met, and perhaps made a selection error, as she is now finding out, but until she talks to him about it, we don't really know, now, do we?
 BLoNDeANGeL845
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 91
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/17/2014 6:06:33 AM
It takes one to know one...any parent who puts a stranger or even another person's financial needs ahead of their kids just so they do not have to be alone is a self-centered and entitled personality that has ONLY their OWN best interests at heart & so I guess Op met her match...


Not sure if this was directed at ME or the OP (who is no longer here, I heard) but either way, seems a bit HARSH to me, not to mention judegemental...If you read the original post correctly,you would know that it WAS discussed BEFORE he moved in, he just hasn't lived up to his end of the bargain. Somehow I doubt he is "taking food from her children's mouths" as you put it after two months, but hey, what do I know? Don't know many women that would tolerate that on a long-term basis if their children are being deprived of FOOD to feed an unemployed man...Especially if this guy is going out and spending money on HER kids.
Why does that make HER self-centered and entitled?
She's trying to get her own (adult) needs met, and perhaps made a selection error, as she is now finding out, but until she talks to him about it, we don't really know, now, do we?


Staying on original topic post directed @ original poster's opening post...
Harsh? re-read what she posted & what I posted, taking in a man who is taking up space, utilities, food, etc. & who is not contributing is taking away from the 2 children who live w/ the Mom AND IS FINANCIALLY STRUGGLING. IMO, that is harsh!
Judgemental? Parents do need to exercise judgement as well as discernment, & this woman has used neither wisely.
Yes, he is taking food from her children's mouth, & any person who puts their sexual/emotional needs ahead of their children's needs (not saying they cannot balance their needs rather than prioritize) is an unfit parent.

It's ok to get adult needs met, but not at the COST of children, & their welfare.
No responsible person who is struggling financially AND has 2 kids affected by that will take on another person's financials- if she made beaucoup bucks & could AFFORD to keep a man, that is fine.

A person who allows another person to drain their $ when they cannot afford it is not very smart, & when it takes away from children, it is very selfish indeed. Op has left & I imagine so has the mooch as well. Hope her kids are doing well & that she has seen the light.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 92
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/17/2014 6:41:59 AM
Look, folks, it seems to me that it ought to be possible for a woman to balance protecting herself & her kids/family and putting a pay slot on her vagina.
In the long-ago OT, the guy did make a statement about making a specific financial contribution. Apparently he's not voluntarily making this contribution.
We don't KNOW if he may be doing a lot of indirect, non-financial supportive actions.
I know that there are women who ger VERY resentful towards any woman they deem is not charging the "proper price" for access to her vagina and I think we have a couple participating here.

I know the OP is not here anymore but I guess what I would advise her to do if she were-if this were a RECENT topic.
Sit the guy down and gently but firmly REMIND him that he said he would pay x amount of dollars,and the OP needs to clarify with him as to whether she needs to corner him every week and demand the money, or whether he will give it to her. Is there some misunderstanding? Is he actually buying food/household products and thinking this meets his offer?
I think the OP has made a very common and very human mistake. And yes, I still say that there are lots of no-account,CALCULATING men out there who will seek to take advantage of a woman perceived to be vulnerable.
But there are also lots of guys who mean well and just seem to have trouble opening their wallets. There are guys who start out meaning well and become complacent. There are guys who will put on a great show for awhile then sit down on the job once they think they've become unevictable.
I think the OP had found herself in a very common scenario and to call her abusive because she might have undersold the p*ssy market is a little bit over the top.
When a couple marries or cohabits, the goal ought to be a mutual effort to keep the household functioning as well as possible. But people are human and sometimes that goal gets clouded or somebody falls down on the job. Sometimes they can't help it. Contributions may not always be in the form of dollar bills.
IF the OP were still here I would suggest that she remind the man of his statement, and let him know that he has to actually ACT on that statement. The 2 of them need to clarify whether any assistance or service he provides, or any money he spends out of his own pocket is meant to defray that $100 amount. But it sounds like he made a flat, unqualified statement offering a specific financial contribution, and I think he needs to be reminded that he needs to honor that statement or else he is fast becoming an expensive house pet that the OP can't afford to keep.
Before we immediately presume that the guy is an evil conniving leech getting free room, board and p*ssy, lets' give him the benefit of the doubt and consider that maybe he's a well meaning but forgetful dumb*ass,who needs to be reminded of the contribution he promised to make.
Cindy O
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 93
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/17/2014 8:54:19 AM
^^^
Cliff notes version please.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 94
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/17/2014 9:25:38 AM
Sorry CT.
For someone to accuse the OP of child abuse, because that someone thinks the OP and women in similar situations might be "undercutting" the p*ssy market, is pretty damn small,IMO.
I don't disagree, the OP -or anyone presently in a similar situation, needs to speak up and remind/clarify with the other party, about their agreement to make a specific financial contribution.

News flash, people. There is no longer some big huge unwritten but undefiable social code about financial roles in marriage and cohabitation. There is no longer a universal set price for access to p*ssy. I know that makes some people, especially women, uncomfortable, insecure and maybe even downright mad.
But then SAY what you mean. You're mad because here's a woman not charging enough for p*ssy...and you think that somehow diminishes the price you think yours should command.
So get on her about "undercutting the market".
Don't accuse her of child abuse.
Cindy O
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 95
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/17/2014 9:40:46 AM
In some respects, it is manipulative. You set something up, the person moves in and thinks he no longer has to do anything because the house is running just fine without his contribution (in his perspective probably). Like other things, when you're settled into the relationship and all of a sudden you barely go out, you are mostly home-bound, and as long as sex is occurring, he thinks everything is going just fine.

Some women (like me) don't like to take on the role of having to remind men of anything, if I expressed something and he agreed, he has to remember the commitment he made and honor it. That was one of the things I detested of my ex boyfriend, I had to constantly remind him that he asked me to charge something on my credit card, and now it's time to pay it, or he had promised to give me money by a certain deadline and he totally "forgot". I feel like men only "forget" to do things when they really didn't want to do them to begin with or when the conditions for him to do it are no long present. They never forget when you say you'd f*ck them, lol.

Did the dynamic between the two change once you moved in? Was there a talk about what his responsibilities will be aside from his financial contribution. He might have been under the impression that his contribution included meals, laundry, bathroom being cleaned on it's on, you picking up after him, etc. Maybe he no longer sees a reason why he needs to contribute money to the house as the house was seemingly running without him and continues to run with him in it. Have you expressed how his lack of contribution is leading to financial stress and how often you will remind him of his commitment until he honors it?

If I were you, I'd speak to him and remind him of the agreement and ask him when he will able to comply. If he is going through some financial set back (which men are likely not going to express), see if there are other ways in which he can contribute a fair share until he is financially able to contribute, maybe there are things he can do around the house, responsibilities he can take on to lighten your load. He can eat at his family or friends house, and just come home to sleep, shower in the morning and get out of the house. That way he is not consuming anything at your house (energy, food, resources) while he cannot contribute financially.

It's simply fair, if you can't contribute, don't drain someone either.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 96
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/17/2014 9:59:26 AM
This is why I embrace NOT going Dutch & being COURTED- in the past when I had "children" & even now- it screens out the half-assed men pretty damn quick.
But that may make the OP a "gold-digger"- expecting a man to ante-up.
Basically, she was paying for a man to sleep w/ her, a form of prostitution!


So I gather prostitution is acceptable as long as it's the woman for sale, but not the man? After all, as you've stated numerous times before in the forums, a woman's sex organs are more valuable than a man's, right?


But then SAY what you mean. You're mad because here's a woman not charging enough for p*ssy...and you think that somehow diminishes the price you think yours should command.
So get on her about "undercutting the market".
Don't accuse her of child abuse.


Precisely.
 HondoGal
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 97
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/17/2014 11:44:26 PM

Stop kidding yourselves.

There are hundreds of thousands, if not millions of women (single mothers/head of households) in America, who have a chronically unemployed or underemployed male living in the house with them.

That is a fact.~Nikon


And most of these millions of women taking in parasites are themselves freeloaders living off the pubic dole. They are both uber creeps. It is really easy for those that don’t pay for food or rent to pretend largess.

As for those advocating, “"Taste the Waste" and that persons shopping in grocery stores are part of the “problem?”. The fact is that persons that are given EBT cards, which are often used for stuff other than food, should have to go to food centers. The grocers should give all their soon to be expired, or expired foodstuffs to these food centers. It would save us taxpayers billions of dollars.

I was shopping at Trader Joe’s once when I noticed an employee taking bread off the shelves which had expiration dates two or three days away. When I asked why she was removing these items she said that they give all excess food to charity; then added that these charities do not accept food after the expiration date. Apparently beggars can be choosers.




My food expenses in 2014 are under $150 a *month*~Ainen

Mine, too. Way under.~FullMoonGuy




you eating twigs and berries? ~Ouija

+1 LOL
Better leave off the berries. Of course it would cost at least $100 a week for food for an average healthy man.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 98
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/18/2014 5:16:26 AM
Lease agreement/rent. Have him sign it - if he breaks lease ask him to leave. It's an expense that comes with moving in - nothing personal.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 99
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/18/2014 7:36:57 AM
take the price of finevagina-china out of the eqaution, if your same sex roomie moves in and doesn't cover the expenses...whaddya do? Likely, you re-negotiate or move 'em out. I don't dig reminding male friends of the money I lent them the week before.

having a child in the house doesn't complicate the matter, but makes the matter more pertinent.
 BLoNDeANGeL845
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 100
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/18/2014 8:14:20 AM
having a child in the house doesn't complicate the matter, but makes the matter more pertinent.


Very succinctly put. Perhaps only a responsible adult or a decent parent can grasp that concept, though I imagine most childless adults would too if they had half a brain & some morals.

It's one thing when we take on something or someone that affects only us, then we can afford to be a bit selfish, but quite another thing when it affects a dependent child. And more so when at least one of the children is female & there is a new/strange man around...in fact, it could affect even a male child, we never know...

It's one thing if Op had a long relationship w/ her man, or knew him for a long time, or if he helped her out in the past & now she was reciprocating. But the story as presented really stinks...
*****************************************************

My S.O. moved in about two months ago. We had discussed expenses and I said he could pay 100.00/wk. Which believe me he eats more than that.

A little background, I am a single mom working two jobs to make ends meet. His contribution of 100.00 wk/ will not eleviate the financial strain on me, but it will cover the majority of "his" additional cost....ie, food, household items like laundry soap, toothpaste, utilities ect. My grocery bill has doubbled.

The problem is, he has yet to offer me the money. I thought the agreement would mean I would not have to ask him for his share. I'm VERY prideful to an unhealthy extreme. I find it extremely difficult to ask anyone for anything.

But I guess my question is, out of respect for yourself and your SO would you have to be reminded to pay your way? If the situation were reversed I would have his money to him weekly without the need to be asked for it. That's just being a "grown up" in my eyes.

For crying out loud woman, this man is COSTING YOU. Why are you so desperate for a man as to take in this stray dog who takes money out of yours and your kids pockets. Why don't you just hand him your kids food and tell them he's so much more important to you than they are. Yes that sounds extreme but that's the reality of a guy who doesn't pay his way. He is using you and you are in denial because you want a man so badly. Sorry but there's no mincing words on this one. This man is a disgrace and you are sleepwalking while he's raiding your pantry.

Women need to protect themselves and their kids from these leeches.

Good god this makes me mad. A man leeching off a single mom. And they have the nerve to call us gold diggers. I've seen this before. Met men like this.

This man is exploiting your vulnerability. He's manipulating you.

If you had any pride you would never have let him through the door.

You are weak sweetie and he knows it.

Wait until he leaves the house, change the locks and put his stuff in garbage bags on the lawn and do not relent. You owe it to your kids.

***********************************

I said he could pay 100.00/wk


And then what did he say?

Maybe he's just waiting for you to ask. But you haven't so he thinks you didn't really mean it and don't need the money. He's being inconsiderate, to say the least. But you're letting him get away with it.
**********************************
You're right. You shouldn't have to ask. It isn't a game.

I'm not sure why you let him move in, but I'm inclined to agree w/ forumologist - get him out.
If you want to explore the relationship under other circumstances, do so after he has moved out.
*********************************
Wake up and smell the coffee,girl !!!

He already owes you $800................how long are you going to keep your mouth shut?
The longer you stay mute................the more he'll be sponging off you.....
SPEAK UP NOW !!


**************************************

Before a person moves in a couple needs to know and agree to who pays for what. And if needed get it in writing. Its not about being picky but about knowing what a persons budget is and where one money is going.

Sounds like he is getting a great deal. Home, sex, food. What are you getting out of this deal?


**************************************
DON'T get it in writing. He's not a renter, he's a leech. You don't want to create the appearance of a landlord/tenant relationship and grant him a tenant's property rights. See forumologist's post for details on ejection.
**************************************
Well, you're exactly right. Part of being grown up is showing responsibility for your obligations. He should pay you without being asked.

Another part of being grown up is: When someone is taking advantage of you, you call them on it. You've got to confront him over this issue, or else he's just going to continue to freeload at your expense.

********************************

I'm VERY prideful to an unhealthy extreme. I find it extremely difficult to ask anyone for anything.
Is it hard for you to ask your kids to tow the line and do as they’re told? I bet it isn’t. Well, all you have to do is think of your “man” as your new child and you’ll find your voice.

IMO, this isn’t an issue of “pride”; you’re not asking for a handout, you’re asking for what is rightfully due to you based upon a verbal agreement.

I would entertain the idea of an SO living with me who didn't pay rent as long as 1) we were ok with that, and 2) they made up for it some other way (like help around the house, and be as minimalistic and economic with their own consumption of resources at least).

But as a grown adult man myself, I CANNOT imagine moving into a single mom's house and not even OFFERING to pay my own way at least, let alone let TWO MONTHS go by without paying my own way at all AND eating tons of yours and your children's food.

MAYBE he hasn't given you money yet because you haven't asked, but to me that is a SERIOUS REDFLAG that he hasn't already offered the money already OF HIS OWN ACCORD. No self-respecting adult should ASSUME you're going to take care of them financially and not at least offer some form of compensation.

Does he not work? and if he does work, why is he keeping his money to himself if he gets to live with you for two months RENT FREE? What is he doing with his money?

In my other thread about my jobless SO that was living with me, everyone assumed I financed her lifestyle because she must have been some kind of supermodel trophy woman that gave me some sort of side benefits (which was NOT the case). Is this guy some sort of Adonis trophy man? Or are you just like me in being too nice to your SO and putting up with crup because you "love him" just as I "loved her?"

So weird to read your post so soon after seeing the light of my own hindsight on this matter so recently. Please, get rid of him. For yours and your kids' sakes.


***************************************
He is useing you, get rid of him and then read "Better Single Than Sorry" as fast as
you can. good Luck

There some men that if they can get away with anything, they'll get away.. Wow!! he can't find a $400.00 a month rent,utilities, food plus SEX....

I have a guy renting one of my facility, every end of the month ,I had to ask him,by begging,drama,threatening ect.......LOL
but in your case you have let a lover move in with you, it is not a case of landlord and tenant

**********************************
but it will cover the majority of "his" additional cost

For starters, he needs to cover ALL of his costs.

While you should not have to ask him it is clear you are going to have to. This "man" is taking money away from you and your children. If he refuses to pay, show him the door.

***********************************
I once had a woman who lived with me for awhile..when she moved in, all that i asked for was that she buy the food, and cleaning supplies...I did not think that was a lot...she griped about that soon afterwards claiming that i was getting over on her..well, we did not last long...I think its shamefull that a man would not want to help out..ask about it..if he pays then keeps paying then ok all is good...if he even balks once, giving any old excuse he can...out the door----freeloader!

********************************
Goodness woman, why have you let it go on for as long as it has? Out of curiousity, how long did you date him before he moved in? And why, o why did you agree on an ammount that didnt cover ALL his extra cost and/or elliviate a little bit of your financial burden?

This man does not need "reminding" of your agreement. Would he need reminding if he was paying rent for his own place? Does he need reminding to put gas in his car? This man is a leech and doesnt care about the fact that you are footing all of the bills.

But lets say, for arguments sake, that he is waiting for you to bring it up (stand up guy isnt he)? Bring it up then. Tell him he hasnt kept his part of the bargain and you feel you shouldnt have to remind him of his financial obligation that you verbally agreed upon. Tell him again about the financial strain you are under and what him living here, without paying, has done to you and your financial stance. If he cant help you out then he needs to leave. If he loves you then he should be more than happy to help you out and if he is an adult, he will start taking on his part of the household and pay for his own way.

I used to be you. I used to be in the same exact situation you are in. Luckily it didnt take long for me to wise up and kick him to the curb. your guy, like my ex, will be ok. He found someone else to leech off of and your guy will too. You, like myself, should look out for you and our kids. We come first. It took me some time to realize i am worthy and my needs matter also. I am a very prideful person, but there is a line between being prideful and letting someone leech off of us.


***********************************
His employment has been spotty....not for lack of trying, just not much work in his field in this area right now. But he does get unemployment when he's not working.

When he's not working he does go above and beyond taking care of the house, the meals, the laundry etc.

It's not so much the money as the lack of consideration behind it that worries me I guess. And believe me my kid does not go without. And we will never have kids together....

He has taken my daughter shopping, or has given her some spending money, maybe he thinks that is pulling his share? But it's no where near 100.00 /wk. I think he just has no idea what I actually spend on the household.

He has given me about 300.00 in the time he's lived here, and spent about 100.00 on my kid. And everytime we go out he buys. But in reality had I known it was a night out or money towards bills, I would have stayed in.


I did bring this up to him once. And since then he's been better.....
*************************************
Tell him effective immediately to start buying his own groceries and personal care items right down to his own toilet paper.

Tell him you want half of the rent each month starting immediately and give him a set date each month when you want his rental payment. Put it in writing and get him to sign it. Issue a receipt for each rental payment he makes for your own protection. If he refuses to pay or misses a payment kick him out.

Tell him to get off his ass and get a job.

If he doesn't like the new rules, tell him to get out.
***********************************
OP, why are you willing to settle for so precious little?

Is this the guy you posted about who acts as though he has NO sexual interest in you whatsoever - unless you're willing to give him oral sex where he doesn't have to lift a finger NOR reciprocate??? And you claimed he's not selfish at all. Is this the same guy?

You also said in that other post that he has a 12-hour job that makes him tired and maybe THAT was why he was so uninterested in you physically - so obviously, he's earning an income. Sounds to me like his ONLY interest in you is using you for a free meal ticket.

Any guy who'd mooch off a single mother whose working TWO jobs to keep a roof over her and her children's heads and food on the table is an utter LOSER.

You also claim, "When he's not working he does go above and beyond taking care of the house, the meals, the laundry etc." I'd be willing to bet the farm that when he IS working he does NOTHING to contribute around the house and is happy to let you do it all - 2 jobs and all.

You may find it "difficult to ask anyone for anything" because of your pride, but obviously this man has ZERO pride since he thinks it's just fine to leech off you. It seems to me that's all this guy DOES is take, take, take -while bringing NOTHING to the table. Absolutely nothing.
**************************************
And you sound like the classic, "make excuses for him because he's the best I could get" female who thinks that someone like him is better than nothing.

When you say he takes care of meals, does that mean he orders pizza one night a week? When you say he takes care of the laundry, does that mean he takes his clothes and puts them in the hamper rather than leaving them on the floor?

I am really not trying to be cruel

**********************************
OP, do you keep posting in the hope that you'll find your backbone in the forums?

why is this loser living with you? You said you knew him for 3 months...and 2 months ago he moved in...soooooo you knew him for 1 month before he moved in?

Are you so desperate to have a boyfriend? Is your self-esteem so low?
*********************************
First of all, I don't understand why you recommended an amount that is not equal to the cost of his maintenance. I understand not wanting him to feel like you brought him into the mix to help support you or your kids. But d***ed if I'd struggle to support myself and kids and then add another burden. Is his penis platinum?

I expect all people to meet their obligations in a timely manner, whether it is toward me or someone else. I would set the money to be due on a specific date (i.e., every Friday of the week, 1st and 15th of the month, or whatever). If I had to ask for it the request would include a warning that future incidents will result in eviction.

This has nothing to with pride. This is about what's right and not allowing an adult who should be able to take care of himself to essentially steal food from the mouths of your children.

**************************
Sorry OP. You are just too old to be this dumb.
***********************************

Wish I could live somewhere for $400 per month
rent, food, utilites, toiletries, Yep, that would be the life
**************************************
and it's not pride.... Healthy adults are able to be assertive, to ask for for what they need and are entitled to in a non-confrontational way. You should start practicing this valuable life skill.
*********************************
Very true. The OP seems like a very nice and lovely young lady and I was already pretty disgusted with this guy from her other post, where she claimed that he did NOTHING to reciprocate sexually while she was more than happy to cater to HIM orally. Selfish men - in any aspect of life - suck ass.

But to add on the fact that he's also glomming off the OP financially aside from being a selfish pig sexually, that just makes my brain bleed.

And OP please - don't start defending him as another poster said you might do after you've told us the situation in your opening post. Call a spade a spade, ok?
********************************
Your already having a hard time making ends meet I think you need to ask your self
what was there to gain by letting some one move in??? this guy is living on easy street.
this has nothing to do with pride but rather dealing with the bad choice you have made by letting him move in?

who's bright idea was that?

***********************************
Have you lost your mind?
You have a parasite that will be hard to remove. In some states after 2 weeks he has squatters rights and I bet he knows it as you can bet your sweet azz you aren't the first to take him in.


He has free room and board, food and sex. He is the taker.


her SO was working when he could and drawing unemployment when he wasn't working.

Then he should have enough $ to pay not only for his share of food, but rent, utilities, T.P. & all household expenses.

I don't know about anybody else, but a lot of us were brought up that hospitality and helpfulness/charity are damn near sacred duties, and where generosity is regarded as a sterling character trait. To confront the SO about money matters may be an uncomfortable task for the OP...so lets' not beat her up for the way she was raised.
However, I think that anyone who finds themselves in the OPs' situation does need to speak up to the SO/star boarder.
But that doesn't always come easy and it isn't necessarily an indication of a DEFECT in character. Unless hospitality, generosity, kindness are now become defects?

I don't know about anybody else, but a lot of us were brought up that parenting and responsibility are damn sacred duties, and where taking care of your kids is regarded as a sterling character trait. To confront the SO about money matters may be an uncomfortable task for the OP...so lets' beat her up for the way she put her own desperation ahead of her kids. "Unless hospitality, generosity, kindness are now become defects?" The Mom is not a homeless shelter or The Red Cross or The Salvation Army, being used is NOT hospitality, it is not generosity when a Mom is already struggling & takes what should go to her kids & gives it to a leech. It's not kindness, it is selfish stupidity & desperation!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 101
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/18/2014 8:17:46 AM
HG
Not to dispute that parasitic males might target welfare mothers...but the OP mentioned working 2 jobs and she also mentioned that her SO was working when he could and drawing unemployment when he wasn't working.

Although it is NOT the direct topic, there ARE programs in the US that buy close-dated, overstocked items, "sorts" from produce packers-and then sell this "2nd harvest" to community groups that distribute the food to those in need.

I volunteer at a donation-based resale shop that supports a food pantry. While I am not working on the food distribution end of this organization, I would say that many of the clients I notice are elderly, handicapped, people who've been burned out of their homes, or families with a new baby.

In this area we have had a group of high-school girls start an organization which sends backpacks full of "easy foods"
home with needy students for their over-weekend use...because there are school-age kids who RELY on school-supplied breakfasts and lunches.

I know, I suppose we could just go out and take away people's kids if they can't afford to clothe, house and feed them without help. I have no doubt whatsoever that there are people/families who are refusing to use any kind of "charity" or "assistance" due to that very fear.

Pretty good, we're mad at programs that cannot take close-dated or outdated food, but we sneer at people who actually DO dumpster dive.

Trust me, the average assistance check, SSI, SSD or retirement SS check is NOT a bounteous endowment.
Any adult human being who sponges off a low-income person should be ashamed of themselves.
I admit that I don't quite GET how someone could tolerate a drain on limited resources, but I think a lot of these parasites wriggle in on false promises. And yanno, sometimes when your life is tough it helps to just have somebody there who seems to have your back.

But, again, all this is not what the OT is about. The OP reported that she was working 2 jobs and that her child(ren) are not being shortchanged.

s to what to do about all these horrible people who can't find work or can't find work that would pay for child care, who need EBT, SNAP, commodity distribution-I don't know but I'd hate to think of people, especially children, the elderly, and the disabled, enduring semi-starvation because assistance programs piss some people off.

BTW, around here, a lot of close dated, outdated, and insurance pay-off loads end up in public grocery auctions or in Amish/Mennonite-run discount stores, and people can CHOOSE to spend their food budget there.

But there are food safety regs in place which forbid compelling low-income people to take,or buy, close-dated, outdated or "improperly stored" food. I think a lot of the selling of close-dated/past date product depends on it being GIVEN, or that the purchase is voluntary.
It's about people's dignity and their right to make choices.

Or are we going to reserve those rights for only those whose income is over a certain dollar amount and/or from "appropriate" sources?

IOW- you neighbor 2 doors down loses her job and can't find another one right away. Which would you rather have her do in order to feed HER children? Get some assistance, or sell drugs to YOUR children and her a$$ to your hubby?

Yeah, I know. there are people who abuse assistance programs. I'm sure we'll be hit with a barrage of stories about it.
But unfortunately, these programs are designed to protect the vulnerable. Children, the elderly, the sick, victims of crime,abuse, disaster. It just isn't possible to investigate and
Again, interesting as this discussion is, the OP was a working person, not an assistance recipient.

I have seen it suggested that she get some kind of tenant/boarder agreement in writing, and other opinions that such an agreement would only add a layer of complications.

I don't know about anybody else, but a lot of us were brought up that hospitality and helpfulness/charity are damn near sacred duties, and where generosity is regarded as a sterling character trait.
To confront the SO about money matters may be an uncomfortable task for the OP...so lets' not beat her up for the way she was raised.
However, I think that anyone who finds themselves in the OPs' situation does need to speak up to the SO/star boarder.
But that doesn't always come easy and it isn't necessarily an indication of a DEFECT in character.
Unless hospitality, generosity, kindness are now become defects?
Cindy O
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 102
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/18/2014 9:40:33 AM
I think the most pathetic thing on display here is that some would play devil's advocate and imply that it's virtuous to accommodate this pathetic excuse for a male.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 103
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/18/2014 10:29:19 AM
I don't think anybody's advocating anything, or implying that anything is virtuous. Simply pointing out that not everybody-male or female, sits down with a ledger and a calculator before embarking into a pair-bonded relationship.
I wonder what would be the reaction if the OP was a male?
Oh, trust me, I've sent men on permanent hikes bcause they thought I should be grateful to house their broke-loser asses.
But I can also understand how it can be very tempting to have a resident partner who at least is not an OVERT problem in one's day to day life.
What some of us objected to was that the OP was made out to be a child abuser and even some went so far as to suggest that she set her child up for molestation because the man in question spent some money on the child.

Look, I'm not naive, or stupid and I realize that child abuse and molestation happen-even here in BFE central MI.
But I don't think that any concern about child abuse was at the REAL core of the accusations here in this thread. I think it was another case of those who insist that only the spending of MONEY should allow a man access to sexual intimacy, being angry that a fellow p*ssy peddler wasn't charging enough for it.

If it is wanted to take this out to the bitter end, then no woman who is the parent of a minor child should allow another man to live under the same roof,because-much as TV and other media like to portray it, children DO get molested by step parents. Even LEGAL ones who court the mother and contribute( or even support) financially. Not to mention siblings, other relatives, caregivers, teachers, foster parents might be abusers.
It ain't just live-in bfs.
Haven't we all at one time or another made a not-so-great choice in a romantic partner? Haven't most of us had a romantic partner who had some financial strain?

Myself, I can't IMAGINE why the guy made the statement and then didn't stand by it, but I don't know how that makes the OP an unfit parent and the SO a potential child molester.
Guys, if you want to go by a strict "cohabitant must pay thru nose", then by golly the next time you move some broke-ass female loser into your house and try to justify THAT-some of us are going to yell "double standard!"
Cindy O
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 104
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/18/2014 10:55:17 AM
Yep. I had a similar situation. Single mother with an 8 year old daughter.

She worked full time and kept her money while I watched her daughter on my days off.

We had the money talk beforehand and she changed her mind later on, asking me to make more sacrifices.

This was after 4 months of her not contributing anything.

I gently and firmly asked her to take her time and leave. She did. No fuss, no muss.

You think evicting a man is hard? Try evicting an 8 year old girl.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 105
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/18/2014 11:16:24 AM
CT
That had to have been heartbreaking for you,and I can understand why this topic might touch a nerve with you.

I don't think any adult human being has any right to expect another adult to fully support them while they p*ss their own money away.

If any person as an adult has encountered an adversity, fer gawds' sake seek out the resources available to help you get back in control of your life...sponging off another adult and/or their family in exchange for companionship & sexual favors doesn't cut it-not anymore. "House hopping" and "couch surfing" while you look for a SO to sponsor you financially is NOT a solution.

But then again let's not throw our compassion and kindness ENTIRELY into the fire of self-protection. Maybe look at the larger picture?

Still, an adult who takes on a SO who may be experiencing some difficulties with employment/finances should not be immediately accused of desperation, absent self-confidence or being an unfit anything.
It seems to me that there is a tricky balance between compassion/understanding, being patient with someone who is a little slow to open their wallet,placing value on "other valuable considerations" , and becoming a complete money-worshiper when it comes to romantic relationships.And don't forget, some people are nefarious enough to "buy" their way into someones' confidence and good graces, so as to exercise dishonorable intentions.
Cindy O
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 106
view profile
History
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/18/2014 11:44:28 AM

Very succinctly put. Perhaps only a responsible adult or a decent parent can grasp that concept, though I imagine most childless adults would too if they had half a brain & some morals.


Well my morals and more than half a brain tell me that you are absolutely CONVINCED that you are RIGHT in your assessment and being quite aggressive about proving your point. Yes, believe it or not most of us "childless adults" actually are capable of grasping the concept of taking care of your children and putting them as a priority.
Obviously this topic touches a nerve with you, and that's fine, and you are entitled to your opinion as is everybody ELSE here...I just don't think that being rude and name calling is the way to get across your point.
I don't see that anybody here disagrees with the fact that the man should be paying his own way or that the woman MAY have made an error in judgement...I just think that making a leap to "he's taking food out of her children's mouths" after two months of cohabiting when he WAS buying things for her kids, (and it was 2 MONTHS, not, two YEARS), is kind of an over exaggerated and extreme stance to take, myself.
I still believe that a conversation should have been had before "kicking his ass to the curb." And that her children were not in immediate peril of starvation.


Still, an adult who takes on a SO who may be experiencing some difficulties with employment/finances should not be immediately accused of desperation, absent self-confidence or being an unfit anything.


EXACTLY!
 BLoNDeANGeL845
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 107
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/18/2014 1:28:48 PM
Haven't we all at one time or another made a not-so-great choice in a romantic partner? Haven't most of us had a romantic partner who had some financial strain?
No, myself & most of the Mothers I knew, NEVER at the expense of their children.


...I just don't think that being rude and name calling is the way to get across your point.
In the 5 pages of responses, many of who I quoted, I do not see rudeness or name calling. I do see telling it like it is & sticking to the OP...

The only rudeness I see in this thread is the man in the original story & the woman who accepted his behavior, then complained & posted about it AFTER the fact.

What some of us objected to was that the OP was made out to be a child abuser and even some went so far as to suggest that she set her child up for molestation because the man in question spent some money on the child.

Actually it is quite telling that the man was NOT contribiting even the MINIMUM he agreed on PRIOR, but spent/courted/groomed the daughter. If he didn't molest the girl, I am 99% sure it wasn't for lack of trying.

There are some things you can only know by experiencing them, & one of those things is being a parent/mother.

I think the most pathetic thing on display here is that some would play devil's advocate and imply that it's virtuous to accommodate this pathetic excuse for a male.
DITTO
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 108
Living expenses and pride..
Posted: 9/18/2014 2:09:49 PM
Message #17
By the OP


And believe me my kid does not go without.

So where are some posters getting that food is being taken out of a child's mouth in this situation?
Oh, wait, the OP isn't charging the "correct" price for her sexual favors so she must be a liar as well??



He has given me about 300.00 in the time he's lived here, and spent about 100.00 on my kid. And everytime we go out he buys.
Oh NOW what the hell are we gonna do? The OPs' SO spent money to COURT her.



But in reality had I known it was a night out or money towards bills, I would have stayed in.

I did bring this up to him once. And since then he's been better.....

Of course, at no time before in the history of the world has ANY couple EVER not seen eye to eye about money matters, no spouse or SO EVER had to remind their partner about a bill coming due or some necessary expenditure that might require a larger contribution to the household/family care pot...

There are several ways suggested by various financial and relationship "gurus" about how to arrange household finances so that neither partner feels like they are being exploited or don't have a penny to call their own.

But to get back to my current point, the OP came right out and STATED that her child(ren) are not being shorted.

Which makes me think the outcry of "unfit parent" is simply a red herring, because what somebody REALLY wants to yell about is another woman who isn't charging the "correct price" for access to her p*ssy is undercutting other p*ssy suppliers who think the price for it should be higher.

Look, if a guy isn't willing to pay out the a$$ to "court" a woman, it's because he doesn't WANT TO-not because some other woman is "undercutting" the p*ssy market
But if you actually came out and SAID that-accused her of underselling the "market" you'd give away your game.
So instead you yell about "low self-esteem" or accuse someone of being an unfit parent. Then somebody has to drag in some other thread, and somebody else suggests that the SO is a potential molester because he did spend some money on the kid.

The OP possibly made an error in judgement. She certainly should have been more adamant about prompt payment of the agreed amount. But to suggest that the SO is depriving her child of food,and that the OP is an "unfit parent"?



Holy over-reaction, Batman.
Look, if you as a woman aren't getting all the high-dollar male attention you THINK should be your due because you work SO HARD to look "hawt"-guess what?
Unless you are possessed of incredible genetic luck, at some point it becomes quite noticeable that you are no longer 25. yeah, it SUCKS that so many men want young women.But that's the deal, it ain't about how some women are undercutting the p*ssy market. It's just that what you have on offer may not be worth as much as you'd like to think.

Disclaimer...I'm using the word "you" in a general collective sense, not directing my commentary to any individual participant in the thread.
BTW, much as I hate to say it, I HAVE seen single parents make decisions that certainly seemed to place some other person, activity or item above the welfare of their kids. If single parents NEVER made bad decisions, we could probably lay off half the staffs of agencies that look after the well-being and safety of children.
For the record, the OP should have been all over the SO like white on rice the first time he failed to hand her that $100. And the SO should be ashamed of himself that the OP had to remind him.
So there-nobody'sbeing defended.
Now, by all means lets' hear how any man who spends money on a child not his own is "grooming" said child for sexual molestation.
Cindy O
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