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 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 32
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People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?Page 2 of 37    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37)
Sorry but this concept cracks me up. Yes, I admit that for some people over a certain age it could be a sign of serious flaws. For others though it could just be the are just not ready to settle, they were responsisble enough to not make some of the mistakes they saw others in their age group making(divorce, multi-babies w/ multi partners, having to live on welfare/parents, etc.). It could be that they were to busy erasing any possible regrets that may have occured to settle down early and miss out. It could be that they are not desperate enough to cling on to anyone one just to be "married".

As others have said you don't know until you ask, being responsible for your life and it's choices, and using your time to make yourself some one you like are not flaws. They are assets.
 CoolGuy1972
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 33
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/15/2009 8:56:43 PM
I just thought I'd share a little story for anyone who is buying into all this - "over 30 = bad" thing. A very good friend of mine recently met someone. He is the same age as me (37). He was single for a long time but remembered a girl he had a crush on from his high school years. He wondered how she was doing so he looked her up on a popular social networking site. He wrote her a message basically telling her about how he had this crush on her (I'm not sure exactly what was written but something like that). Anyway, yadda yadda now they've been in a serious relationship together for probably about a year now and living happy lives together.

So keep the faith. It can happen for anyone.

The point is, I think all of this has more to do with dating sites than actual dating or relationships. I'm starting to think that maybe dating sites are more for people who are only interested in quick hook ups. If you write a profile that makes it seem like you might be looking for something long-term, serious, then that seems to scare people away. It's really weird too because stupid me, I thought that was the whole point of sites like this. But I guess not. Anyway, the BEST way to meet someone is the good old fashioned way -- by talking to people and meeting people in real life and making real connections. It doesn't matter how old a person is. If two people like each other, then they like each other and nothing else will matter.
 CoolGuy1972
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 34
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/15/2009 9:10:55 PM
I have one more point to make about this stigma being more specific to dating sites than to real life. I have a profile. When someone looks at it, all they see is a 37 year old guy with bad pictures and cliche' words. There is no possible way for someone to be able to get to know a single thing about another person this way. I'm pretty sure that no matter what pictures I put up or what I write that it's all going to look the same as every other profile. So someone looks at my profile, they see what's there and probably think, "Ok, this guy is 37, never been married, no kids and wants a long term relationship. Something must be wrong with this guy". Next. Game Over for me, please deposit 50 cents to continue.

On the flip side of the coin, let's say I was out somewhere and a conversation started between me and someone I was interested in. She would see me, not some grainy bad picture. She would hear my voice and my spontaneous words. Not some pre-thought out speech about how great and wonderful I think I am. And I could do the same with her. Sometimes we read things the wrong way in text. With voice and actual words, something said can take a whole new meaning.

So my point is, I don't think there is a problem with being in our 30's. The problem is depending on dating sites to meet people. We're all chasing our tails with this.

And that is all I have to say about that.
 TJPJD
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 35
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People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/15/2009 9:55:18 PM
This


1. finishing one's education
2. finding a lifelong CAREER (not just a JOB)
3. Establishing oneself
4. Dating/sampling to find out personality types that FIT you
5. Establishing financial foundation
6. Establishing good life habits.. Health, fun, decent friends
7. Learning one's sexual identity
8. Becoming self-sufficent, aware, worldly
9. getting youthful one-time curiosities and their mistakes out of the way..

Makes them "FLAWED" and somehow DEFICIENT?

Fascinating concept..

What seems to be wrong are ALL of those who think the above list is somehow FLAWED.


Pretty well sums it up.
 just a guy in life
Joined: 1/6/2007
Msg: 36
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/15/2009 10:56:42 PM
loved what you had to say and i agree. i am almost 40 never been married and never had kids, Flaws? maybe but dont we all have something about us that annoys someone else out there in life? Flaws? No-one is perfect, or so it is said. It is only a flaw if you dont like the person, it is just another little quirky side to the person if you do like them. I have lived and loved in life and no regrets for any of it. I am single and it really does not bother me. Maybe some people are not content to settle for 2nd best ever think of that?
 sammylg
Joined: 12/20/2006
Msg: 37
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/16/2009 7:39:33 AM
I have a theory, which was from my other post.

People who are good looking, established and between 35~44 have alot more options. They can date the 20 something that wants to have fun while she develops her career. They can date women 10~15 years their senior without looking creepy. Or they can date established women in their 30's who either act like they are in their 20's (looking for fun and a great time and no commitment) or have a ticket biological clock timebomb and is looking for husband material.

So while I am fairly average looking, I too have found alot more options in my 30's and I am capitalizing on them while I got the chance, which includes a lot of travel and buying things that I couldn't if I were married with kids. Is marriage an option? Sure, I plan to start looking when I am 40 something.

I'm sure for women in our age bracket, it is the same thing.
 wolfjade
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 38
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People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/16/2009 10:46:49 AM
Ironica, I agrre with your post.

A bit of slang for ya from my generation.

To find the "perfect man" you must be the "perfect woman", and vice versa.
 Ironica
Joined: 11/9/2009
Msg: 39
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/16/2009 2:52:23 PM

1. finishing one's education
2. finding a lifelong CAREER (not just a JOB)
3. Establishing oneself
4. Dating/sampling to find out personality types that FIT you
5. Establishing financial foundation
6. Establishing good life habits.. Health, fun, decent friends
7. Learning one's sexual identity
8. Becoming self-sufficent, aware, worldly
9. getting youthful one-time curiosities and their mistakes out of the way..

Makes them "FLAWED" and somehow DEFICIENT?

Fascinating concept..

What seems to be wrong are ALL of those who think the above list is somehow FLAWED.


Only one thing about this sticks in my craw ( if that is a word)

Who says you have to get "worthy" or "good enough" to have lasting committed relationships? We do it with our folks and kids all the time. You just... cope.

Somehow in our society we've gotten it all confused. At this rate ( by the time I accomplish that list) I'd be "ready" to have a life parter about the time my life is over.

Who wants to travel the road "there" alone only to get "there" and finally find someone to enjoy "it" all with? What "it"? By then you've got a brain full of memories. The joy is in having someone to share those memories with.

Sorry to rain on the parade, but even though I am doing the alone thing, I still don't believe it is somehow a necessary part of my existence, or even a good part. It just is what it is.
 TJPJD
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 40
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People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/16/2009 4:35:50 PM
I didn't see getting "worthy" or "good enough" anywhere in that quote/post.

Personally, I didn't view the list as a checklist of things to accomplish before having a lasting committed relationship, but rather a statement that "people over 30 that are not taken" aren't necessarily "flawed" and may just have been focusing on things in their life other than finding that "lasting committed relationship." To paraphrase, just because time was spent earlier in life on other pursuits doesn't mean one is necssarily "flawed." The entire idea that not having been/being in a lasting committed relationship (which I'm still trying to figure out exactly what is meant by that term... like somehow you have to have been married or have children to have had a lasting committed relastionship) by any age makes one somehow "flawed" is, in my opinion, ridiculous.
 Ironica
Joined: 11/9/2009
Msg: 41
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/16/2009 6:09:05 PM

I didn't see getting "worthy" or "good enough" anywhere in that quote/post.


I reread his post and tried to tease out where that came from for me. I think it was in the first few lines that talk about people married and divorced by 24 with a series of losers in their lives. Coupled with my sensitivity to being told over and over again by well meaning friends that it's ok that I'm single because "he will come along when you are ready" and my personal favorite, "You're just not ready for a relationship right now."

I guess this is an example of how experience colors perception.
 1kindMan4U
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 42
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/16/2009 6:18:57 PM
Ironica.. Like the poster that followed you, Nowhere do I see anything in my commentary about being WORTHY.. or GOOD ENOUGH to have a lasting committed relationship.

My response was to the OP's original posting about how a man (or woman) who winds up 30+ and NOT already IN a committed relationship.. must somehow be FLAWED.

I presented a list of "LIFE ACCOMPLISHMENTS that MAY have been occupying their time from the age of 18 until around 32. NINE things they MIGHT have been doing over those first 14 years of adulthood to BECOME an adult. An 18th birthday might cause the STATE to say, NOW you are a LEGAL ADULT, however the day AFTER that birthday means you are a CHILD of 18 years.. plus one day.

My list of accomplishments in my original answer is like "finishing/graduate school" in order to BE an adult. To do ALL of them takes adult decision-making, sacrifice, delayed gratification, an open mind, some struggle, some frustration and PERSERVERANCE to get to that point. ALL of those things are very ADULT qualities.

Are you saying that YOUR life is over at 32? I certainly hope not. But let me give you some scenarios of a person DOING my list.. ALONE(meaning NOT in a committed relationship) and you can tell me if a guy DOING these things seems like the kind of guy you want to be married to.

1. He is a full time student.. maybe a graduate student.. study study study.. "sorry I cant see you this WEEK, I'm studying for finals.

2. He job hops.. cant stay with one job for more than 6 months, CAUSE HE DOESNT KNOW FOR SURE WHAT HE WANTS TO DO.

3. He shares housing with his buds. Lives like a fratboy. Sometimes "couches it" at friends when #2 above has him out of work with NO INCOME. Doesnt even have his own place.. much less has BOUGHT a place.

4. He'd LOVE to date you.. but also wants to date others at the same time. Hasnt quite made up his mind the TYPE Of woman he wants to "settle" for, much less commit to

5. He has $20 in the bank.. and another $20 in his pocket.. His entire net worth. Cause of #2 above.

6. He still likes to get drunk with his buds for a WHOLE WEEKEND blowout "cause it's a BLAST" Still hasnt woke up hungover for work on a monday and realized it just cost him his job. He is also relying on his youthful recovery powers so DOESNT exercise.. Thinks Pizza and a Pitcher or two is a well-balanced meal.. and choice of dinner ware is styrofoam

7. He STILL thinks that sex is a recreational sport.. multiple partners.. thinks it's ALL about his c*ck.. wouldnt know if a lover had cum or not. Hasnt been dumped(or taught) for being a selfish lover. Never bothered to learn HOW.

8. Hasnt traveled much past his local home town. Never had a passport or seen a good reason to get one. Thinks a "road trip" is a run to get more beer. Never been on an airplane.

9. DONE the adventure things.. Drunken orgies.. Bungee Jumping.. Motorcycling across several states.. Lived scruffy on a boat.. just bummed around being the pingpong BALL.. and NOT controlling ONE of the paddles.

Now.. I want you to tell me ANY woman in her right mind.. that wants to be WITH a boy who is doing my latest 9 tasks on the WAY to becoming a man.. who would be totally happy with him doing ALL OF THEM. YOU'd enjoy that? YOU are willing to be the woman sitting at home while he is BEING that bum waiting for him to come home? sometimes not for days?

Or.. you want to make a BABY with him while he is DOING those things? THAT would create "joyful memories" for you?

If so.. and if YOUR viewpoint is the typical female one.. then ALL Of you need to get some serious therapy.

I have a 21 year old daughter.. Even SHE knows better than to hang around with an UNdeveloped BOY.
 Ironica
Joined: 11/9/2009
Msg: 43
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/16/2009 6:35:06 PM
I see you've provided a list of mistakes that young men might make. Young women make mistakes too. So do older people... all people make mistakes. The best relationships I have had in life were with people who watched me make some pretty serious mistakes and loved me anyway.

and yep... some of those are my most joyful memories.
Life is what you make of it.

~Ironica
 kjacks31
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 44
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/16/2009 7:34:40 PM
I think this entire thread is pointless. The number of reasons a person may be single are far more plentiful than the number of reasons a person might be involved. You cannot generalize reasons a person is single. I could probably get together with 3 of you and make a list of 100 possible reasons and still have leftovers.
 davdo
Joined: 8/4/2008
Msg: 45
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/16/2009 7:47:05 PM
Yes we are all flawed. We just need an island to ship us off to so the people who aren't flawed can have a perfect life. Some of us just never learned the "game" and don't know how to socialize properly. So of us understand it and want no part of it. Some us just don't care. People always seem perfect when you first meet them. It is only after you get to know them if you can decide whether or not to stick with them. So rejoice in your flaws it is what makes us unique.

Dying alone isn't such a bad thing is it? Isn't that the real question? No kids or spouse to mourn your passing. Nothing left on earth to remind people you even existed. Is this what we truly fear. Being in a hospital or old folks home alone and no one cares enough about us to ignore us. We will be forgotten people.
 oregonsaint
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 46
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/16/2009 9:50:18 PM
There is nothing wrong with a person because they are single and over 30. It is a sad sign of the times. Divorce is so easy and accepted. Becasue of that, not many are willing to work through issues, and would rather just call it quits.
 CowboyEnuff
Joined: 2/14/2008
Msg: 47
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/17/2009 7:23:06 AM
OP,
Thanks for bringing this up. I had on another occasion posted something like this asking it of women and I guess the world and POF are not ready to make women look less than perfect on this site.

I think it is simply an issue of We guys n.. n...nnnot having met a woman who inspires a US to desire more than the status quo with her!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 48
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/17/2009 7:31:49 AM

Dying alone isn't such a bad thing is it?

I hope not. If so, we're all in trouble. There's no other way to die - even if you kill someone at the same time, chances are you won't go the same route.
 Just_Jay79
Joined: 10/11/2005
Msg: 49
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/17/2009 8:04:20 AM


Dying alone isn't such a bad thing is it?

I hope not. If so, we're all in trouble. There's no other way to die - even if you kill someone at the same time, chances are you won't go the same route.

WomanInProgress, you nearly made me choke to death with laughter on that one. I think I smell a new bumper sticker / office cubicle banner in the works...

On to the topic at hand, at 30 and the perpetual bachelor in my group of friends, I know that I and I ALONE and my worst enemy when it comes to long term relationships. I could have married a great girl at 25, but I was still playing catch-up to my father & friend's conquest scorecard and felt I hadn't seduced enough ladies yet.

These past 5 years of bachelorhood have been fun and the freedom has kept me in amazing shape, and rather well-off financially (no one to support = more $ for me), but at some moments I do wonder what it would have been like to "cash out while I was ahead" and settle down with that sweet girl.

I'm still not entirely sure I even WANT to be responsible for another person's well-being (hence the undecided on fatherhood), but it seems like a less tawdry prospect as I've gotten a little older. I either will or I won't, depending on the woman (or women) I meet that are interested in me romantically.

In the meantime I plan to continue to enjoy this eligible bachelor phase, because I'm now accessible to the widest range of women I've ever had available: about age 22- 40. Surely even with my retarded decision-making abilities the odds have to be a little more in my favor with such a wide dating pool at hand...
 whitetigeress
Joined: 7/18/2009
Msg: 50
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/17/2009 9:39:44 AM
-People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?-

if there is something wrong..... they are in denial to maintain hope of finding someone
 Arthur_Dent_NJ
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 52
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People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/17/2009 11:08:03 AM
I'm 30 and single, oh man this explains so much
 bigfish0979
Joined: 7/9/2009
Msg: 54
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/17/2009 2:37:16 PM
I am 30 and never married and no kids! I am not worried about dying alone! I am prepared to make that sacrifice if I don't find the right woman. I am a picky man! I don't care if I have any heirs to give my property to, I already plan to donate my future property to added to state forest or park.
 petite4U2
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 55
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/18/2009 4:09:14 AM
I would like to say this ... some people are single because they havent met the right person. That being said ... I would look at this ... I know someone who is 54, has had many relationships the longest being 4 years... a series of one night stands, pickups, multiple dating websites... Has nothing of his own but a vehicle. No home, no children, no furniture no nothing. No savings, and has kept himself free of all responsibilities his whole life. Runs away from everything and usually gets caught cheating. Now if the person doesnt tell you these things and you met him , you might think he was a great guy. Seemingly nice, helpful, charming, etc. But ..... the reality is if a man is older and has had no visible evidence in his life of anything stable, I'd say that person deserves to be looked at with a fine toothed comb. Not everything is as it appears. There are signs that someone is trouble waiting to happen and to be responsible to oneself, we should know these things before ever becoming involved. Speaking from experience if indeed I had taken a closer look, I would have realized the forever single man that I dated for four years was a tangled mess of a human being. In this case, I think that is a matter of taking your time, not judging by age but by what they have accomplished in life and the kinds of relationships you see with family, friends , etc.
 mellie31
Joined: 9/10/2009
Msg: 56
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People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/18/2009 5:46:49 AM
well I am 31 and still single, and I have 2 kids. but as for me its a little bit harder to find someone cause not many men will date someone who has kids, my oldest is 8yrs old and i just had a baby( left the father cause he was abusive, and didnt know that i was a preggo till about 2 months after the break up).

as it was put to me many many many times on other threads that iam damaged goods and no one will date me caus iam damaged, i dont think iam damaged at all, but being single is hard, and to find someone is harder, cause they think that i am looking for someone to depend on or a father figure for my girls, i have raised my one for 8 yrs on my own and i will be doing the same with both now,

i dont think there is anything wrong with me or my life, just trying to find that right one.
 JohnEDeep
Joined: 7/9/2007
Msg: 57
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/19/2009 10:12:27 AM
Pretty ironic question coming from a 38 year old woman ...

The only thing wrong with me is that I have yet to find a woman capable of joining me on my chosen path. I spent my 20's and most of my 30's wandering the Earth, seeking adventures and experiencing Life in as full a manner as possible. Not many women choose that path, so I've finally settled down in a small mountain town that makes me happy, though alone.

Needless to say...dating in a small mountain town is problematic. Not many fish to choose from, and even fewer that appeal to me. I have met some fantastic women over the years, but timing and circumstances have gotten between us.

My question is: Would y'all feel better about me if I'd grabbed any opportunity to get hitched, followed up by a divorce when the disparity between us became too much to ignore? Perhaps have a couple fatherless children to my credit, too? That would've been pretty easy. So easy that even a caveman could do it. A good reason not to, IMHO.

I refuse to settle. If more followed my example, divorce rates would be much lower. I'll be the last sibling to marry, and the last to divorce...both my sibs have been there, done that. Perhaps I'll be the only one to do neither. I'm okay with that.
 scrumptious_fish_bait
Joined: 2/28/2009
Msg: 58
People over 30 that are not taken - something wrong with them?
Posted: 11/19/2009 9:37:38 PM
There is nothing wrong being over 30 and single. As long as he's happy, who gives a ****? Maybe he's waiting for "The One", maybe he's not done playing in the field, maybe he's not finacially-established, whatever reason it is. It's better than getting married in the early 20's and get a divorce in the late 20's. I wouldn't say there is something "wrong" with the man. Unless he's a commitment phobe, too picky, or has baggages. There are many reasons behind it, and you have to talk to the person to find out why (although some of them should give you a red flag).
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