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Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 6
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cheated Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
If a person is broken up with you, they have nobody to answer to then themselves. You asking her was out of line and intrusive, as well you seem to think that she should have remained celibate. Why, was she supposed to know you two weren't really broken up, or that for sure you would get together????

If you two are broken up, that is broken up... Seems to be the issue of people thinking they are taking a break, but then call fowl when the other person seen it as broke up...

As others said, you either accept 100% it was in the past, and now is moving to the future...

She didn't tell you, because she knew you would freak out, and it was something personal, and she was working at moving on with her life. People do that when they are trying to move on from a broken relationship.

I think YOU should move on from each other, because there has to be a reason you are on again, off again...

Relationships have issues, problems, et al, it is the working through it as a couple that defines how solid of a relationship you have ...
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 9
Posted: 11/15/2009 4:26:09 AM
With cheating, the problem is trust... your level of trust for her is directly tied to your love for her... so, when trust goes down, it pulls love down with it.

It depends on whether or not you can build the trust back up... counseling might help, you can try that... some people work it out and stay together, others break up, depends on how much the memory fades. But counselors don't have brainwashing machines... might taint the relationship forever and limit it, you never forget.

I also don't like on-again off-again relationships... they are not good relationships.
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 10
Posted: 11/15/2009 4:37:43 AM
maybe she didnt have sex with anyone after all ...maybe she has just got so damn tired of you asking that she decided to just tell you what you want to hear you will shut up or leave or at least quit asking things that are none of your damn business ...grow the frack up

I have seen this many times .. a woman gets tired of being asked juvenile questions ..and just tells the brat what he wants to hear .. so he will either accept it and leave her alone or leave
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 11
Posted: 11/15/2009 6:26:09 AM
yep I've been there, know what I found out? Every time we "seperated" it was because of another guy she was sleeping with. You're her back up when she doesn't have anyone else to play with, the solid, secure, and available guy she can depend on to take her back after getting dumped by her fling. It will never stop.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 13
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Posted: 11/15/2009 7:22:00 AM
Grow the fuk up, maybe you keep breaking up because you are looking for things to be wrong with the relationship. Maybe she lied to you because she knew you would react exactly like you are reacting.

You should walk away and allow her to find someone that she is actually compatible with, it isn't you.
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 19
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Posted: 11/15/2009 8:38:25 AM
Grow up, when people break up, they are emotionally deprived and are suseptable to be a perfect canidates for a rebound relationship. She has the right to be with whoever will help her through her emotional time without someone questioning her/his reason for needing human contact and compassion. The fact that she probably thought you would react negatively to her need not to be alone is what you have a hard time with. I would never even ask the question, "who you were with" cause after all you were the one who may have driven her/him away at the time. People have every right to thier privacy without being questioned who or the reason to feel human. This shows your own emotional insecurity. When you make a bed, its your to lie in. Deal with your insecurity because the same feelings will always linger and be in question until you can accept the fact that everyone is human and can do whatever they need to feel human again.
Cause she couldnt be honest about it doesnt make her cheating, It means you cant accept the truth, that she had the right to fuk who ever she wanted without your interference. That sounds a little crude but its the truth and she is not obligated to give you an answer. She obviously knew you couldnt handle it, so she chose to tell you what you wanted to hear, that the world revolves around you and no other man could help complete her. "I have a brooklyn bride for sale really cheap" She was emotionally deprived and needed human contact, get over it. It was not cheating.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 22
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Posted: 11/15/2009 10:02:54 AM
what drama-mongering. you both sound like a couple of children, taking your ball and going home when there's some conflict rather than working it out like adults or acknowledging that you're a bad fit and saying goodbye for good. if you could do that, this 'cheating' would never have been an issue. not as much fun though, as the conflict and drama you're here looking to justify, right?

i'm betting most of your past relationships have this pattern. and your future ones as well, unless you buckle down and do some personal work.
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 23
Posted: 11/15/2009 10:33:59 AM

Say that in Ross' voice.

I agree with most others--your relationship isn't a good one. I'm not a fan of that whole drama thing, either. Your partner is supposed to make your world an easier place to be in, not a worse one.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 24
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Posted: 11/15/2009 10:39:05 AM
If I was in an on-again/off-again relationship for 6 years that seemed to be going nowhere, I would have left years ago. If you were on 'a break' then she was free to be when whomever she wanted, just as you were. Either stop asking her to prove herself to you or jump ship for good, this sounds like some sort of prison sentence. Just how much does someone have to prove them self for you to feel secure, and why do you keep breaking up and going back? It sounds like you both have wasted 6 years.
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 30
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Posted: 11/15/2009 7:33:25 PM

" If a person is broken up with you, they have nobody to answer to then themselves."

I disagree.

There's a lot of STD's out there, and everyone should be up front and honest about who they have had sexual activity with, in this case, and in many others.

I have to wonder when people state such tripe what kind of personal boundaries they allow their partner...

As cute as it is to demand knowing the name, number, and et al of a persons sex life, really it is NOT your damned business... Knowing if a person has a disease is one thing, knowing the who, and or how many IS NOT, they are two different things...

Remember beach read the profile, he's trolling for someone while he supposed to be with this woman for 5 or 6 yrs... If he is such a trust worthy person why is HE on a dating site biotching his SO sleep with someone while they were broken up...

If he has a profile looking for someone has he told her that she can expect to be on the outs with him anytime soon???

This is a case of accusing a plate of being a black pot like he is... Unless she is out trolling for someone else too, he has absolutely nothing to biotch about except that he's a control freak, keeping HER on the back burner.

When you aren't dating someone, their life is personal, unless they actually have something to say...

STD's can lay dormant for a very long time, so does that mean she should be berated and accused of cheating, if she never knew??? That why they have testing and condoms...

If you have an off and on relationship, then use condoms knowing the other person has the RIGHT to be with whom ever... It is THEIR personal business... An STD doesn't mean you have to confess anything, except that your partner may need testing...
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 31
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Posted: 11/15/2009 10:46:26 PM
Look at it this wat, are you more miserable with her knowing this or without her. I already know thw answer so try to move on and forgive but with the stipulation it is/was a 1 time event.

If you ever think marriage, get a prenup as judges don't give a crap about infidelity.
Joined: 10/18/2007
Msg: 33
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Posted: 11/15/2009 11:03:41 PM
WE WERE ON A BREAK! (just my inner Ross coming out) if you were not seeing each other for a while, wouldn't you have been de facto broken up at the time? I don't know the specifics, but I'm just suggesting.

I dont think i can be with her again but its being very painfull and comes to my mind to forgive her.

So forgive her and move on. Or don't forgive her and move on...either way, if you don't think you can be with her.....move on.
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 40
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Posted: 11/16/2009 3:47:40 AM
Beach, I would get your point as totally valid IF the OP was taking issue that he was potentially being exposed to some STD, however that isn't something he brought up, or stated as a concern...

At your age of 55, do you have all the women you meet fill out a questionnaire as to whom they slept with, how many times, if there was protection, did the they have sex in the dark or with lights on, et al???

I understand all the STD stuff, former medical professional that still keeps updated, as well someone that has dated

The op is biotching she cheated... First he said they were broken up when she did it, now he's changed the story to where she was seeing the other guy and him at the same time... Lets face it there is his story, her story, and the truth in the middle...

He can say anything he wants about not pole hopping, but then he adds he had plenty of opportunities.. What is that supposed to mean??? He's better, because while they are broken up, he kept his pants zipped??? really, what if the gal in the saga didn't come back, and she connected with the guy... One we wouldn't be hearing about this, but two then he wouldn't look so foolish biotching about her supposed "cheating" when they were broken up, all the while he was broken up...

Once again if two people ARE broken up, what each person does IS their business... He should have asked her to get tested, as he would just for the sake of safety... However his issue is he sees her as property, AND someone else played on what he sees as HIS personal play ground, even though at that time he didn't want to be with her...

Sometimes you can't have everything you want.
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 43
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Posted: 11/16/2009 11:58:09 PM

And to the OP, There is a LOT of mis information out there about STD's. And some of the Professionals do not know the whole truth. And we've just heard from one who advocates ignoring the risks of that.

NOWHERE did I ever say.. don't have adult consensual sex. Nowhere did I say that a thourough waiting period, and blood test should follow a thorough questionaire of a prospective dating partner.
Thyme, All things in safety, and in moderation. But your post isn't.
argumentum ad personam aside, the original post is NOT about std's, but the op being pissed that she was not honest about sleeping with someone...

He never brought up an issue about being worried, concerned, or upset that she may have exposed him to a disease... Therefore stating I am advocating unsafe sex practices is a total straw man attack, which is ridiculous at best.

Once again she could have LONG been a carrier of a disease, as can the op, or even you if you haven't had a recent FULL PANEL STD test, which doesn't just include a blood test...

Personally Beach I am married, met the man here, and have not been on the market for over a year and a half... I took responsibility for my intimate life, and before I got with my SO had a full test, because I do take STD'S serious...

So now that you know about my intimacy practice prior to marriage, and my husband and I never took breaks during dating, nor get all bent at each to need some sort of break NOW, it is a nonissue..

OP, if you had been concerned about her catching something during a break, then it would seem reasonable that you both go in and get tested...

You have made statements accusing her of actually cheating, after first stating she and you were broken up when it happened. I don't defend her for NOT telling you, but I get the impression that she knows just how much you would freak, because she was doing her best to move forward.

After all if you have had an on again, off again relationship over the past 6 yrs, there is little doubt that you wear a halo and that at some point either of you have considered this relationship bad for the both of you...

If she asked you, and you stated you never did anything, perhaps she felt shamed, and didn't want to face your wrath. It would seem after this length of time the two of you have more of a sick addiction, instead of a healthy trusting relationship...

IF you are so worried about your sexual health demand a test before you sleep with her again...

Other wise face how you posted this post, which is that you are pissed that she was with someone when the two of you were broken up, and didn't have the courage to come clean for what ever reason...

Beach when it comes to relationships there is a matter of respect and privacy... that doesn't mean that he can't ASK the question, but rather ask the question for the reason you got on YOUR soap box, which was because of concern of STD... Up until this point, he hasn't stated that was his issue, he complains she lied and must have cheated... In fact the title is called "cheated", not cheated and put my privates at risk of falling off with crouch rot...

It seems interesting that you would get so bent over the STD aspect, kind of like projecting your own feelings or fears???

What ever the case, I don't advocate unsafe sex, celibacy is the ONLY safe sex there is. However there is a way to go about finding out things IF you truly love the other person, and it isn't ON some condition...

The op had a set condition and obviously his get back together GF feared being honest, it isn't hard to see why...

Should she have been honest, SURE, but there are two sides and then the real truth, so beating me up with your ad hominem really is pointless... This isn't about STD's, this is about a guy pissed his broken up with GF had intimate relations with someone else, and was to afraid to come clean about it.. OR what ever the truth from her side is...
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 47
Posted: 11/17/2009 1:06:19 PM
hey i was planning my wedding anf found out of valentines day that the ***hole was seeing someone else he tried to tell the roses were for his mom yeah right ! any way i dont regret not marrying him ! its time to let go and find a true friend
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 52
Posted: 11/24/2009 8:51:57 AM
Look, son.....

It's not that she had sex when you were broken up but that she actually lied about it.

The b!tch lied about it.

That's worse than the physical act of her sharing the white booty in the first place.

It's time you broke up.

Make sure you get STD tested as well.

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