Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 75
Hooked on having a FWB?Page 2 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

What...women don't like sex now?

Unfortunately,BDJ, among women who grew up in the 60s and 70s,the only sex education girls got was being taught to avoid sex until there was a wedding ring on her finger,at which time sex would be a chore to be performed as part of taking good care of her husband.Fear was often the teaching tool of choice...fear of pregnancy, ostracism, that no decent man would want a girl/woman who 'did it', but that boys/men were devious creatures who would try to get sex without any kind of honorable committment or intent...
In short...IT WAS AWFUL. And many women have never gotten past it. Sex is that 'icky' chore you have to do to get and keep a committed relationship. And the parents were simply doing the best they know to keep their daughters from "getting knocked up" "getting a bad reputation","ruining her life"
Back then,in middleclass midwest small towns and suburban neighborhoods,parents would just about rather have their daughter identified as a terrorist,than to hear about her having sex and liking it.

Or simply don't understand that many women love sex, and love having it with men, as opposed to other alternatives.
And that many women get multiple orgasms. Sometimes many, many more than men.
Seems that sex between men and women is a great experience for women.

As I related in response to BDJ's post,unfortunately,many women who were teenagers/young women pre-birthcontrol pill,women raised in very conservative/religious/traditional families,know as much about orgasms as a hog knows about Sunday School.

Why would you be offering something that you didn't want to do, and weren't desiring to do with him, in the first place?
Again, because in more cases than I care to think about,women WERE taught that sex is a commodity,a bargaining chip, a means to an end.

You shouldn't exchange sex, for anything other than sex. Otherwise, it's prostitution.

Understand that I am NOT disagreeing with you,but in reality, women are taught, and often the teaching is reinforced by her peers,that sex should ONLY be exchanged for a "committment". Allowing herself to ejoy sex just for the hell of it, would be allowing herself to develop a bad habit,and impair her ability to drive a hard bargain,so to speak.

I think a man would eventually end FWB and leave that person if he has found the right woman for him.

And that is a perfectly permissible, understandable and acceptable end to a FwB, for EITHER gender.

FWB is horrible. All you're having is sex, sex and more sex. I don't know how you can live like that.

I dunno, son. From all I ever heard, most men in that circumstance would think they'd died and gone to Heaven.

Unless she falls from the sky and lands in my lap
now that would be an interesting sight...

Well, then... why did you let her get away??

Sometimes, even in VERY GOOD relationships,sh*t happens.Not realizing what you had,until it's over, is a fairly common breakup scenario,as well. That good ol'20-20 hindsight can be an absolute b*tch.
Cindy O
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 76
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/4/2010 7:16:47 PM

You shouldn't exchange sex, for anything other than sex. Otherwise, it's prostitution.

Understand that I am NOT disagreeing with you,but in reality, women are taught, and often the teaching is reinforced by her peers,that sex should ONLY be exchanged for a "committment". Allowing herself to ejoy sex just for the hell of it, would be allowing herself to develop a bad habit,and impair her ability to drive a hard bargain,so to speak.

In fact, it is reinforced by I'd say HALF the men and women on here ("you had sex too soon so the guy lost respect for you"). If THAT isn't telling a woman to wait for a "commitment" (albeit not quite marriage), what is it? If telling women to "respect themselves" rather than (OMG!) have sex (!!) isn't reinforcing the old ways, what is?

I have a question:
It seems that most of those who are pro-FWB are ANTI-marriage. So, are any of your FWBs married? I mean, if marriage is meaningless, it shouldn't be off limits.
 Cat*Eyes
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 81
view profile
History
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/5/2010 1:02:03 AM
What do the actual letters FWB mean? I understand what FWB means, but what do the letters FWB mean.
What do the letters OP mean? I know that means thread statrer, or person asking the question, but what does the letters OP mean?
In answer to the question of this post, I have tried meaningless shallow sex, just to have sex in the past, after my ex left, but I could not feel any pleasure or enjoyment, in this boring shallow meaningless activity. If I want meaningless sexual release, I have my colbalt blue, that takes 2 C batteries and gives me 20 to 40 "O"s. I can not relate to sex with a person, just to have sex anymore. I want to have sex with a man, who I am really attracted, who really appeals to me, and who knows what to do turn me on and be mutually involved in a SANE, loving caring relationship. Unless it is in a real relationship, of which I have not had for 5 years, I do not feel any sexual or any type of pleasure.
In answer to the thread, starter, questioner, go do your shallow one night stands and eventually you will learn, that that is not very enjoyable and definely not worthwhile, and very shallow and meaningless.
 blue450
Joined: 7/24/2009
Msg: 84
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/5/2010 9:46:01 AM
....FWB works for me at this point in my life....I can cook, wash my own clothes,clean a bathroom and maintain my vehicle. Don't care to watch sports on t.v. although the scandals are of some interest LOL. I believe that you can have the same range of feelings & emotions for many and not just "one". I like to wake up & leave the house at 3 a.m. if i feel like going to a diner or just take a drive to nowhere. When I am with a woman I want to enjoy her company not particularly meet the family etc & so forth...I want to experience pleasure and give her pleasure too...My profile is direct & to the point. Some are intimidated. I have had some success online in what I seek and anticipate more....
 DIVISION77
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 86
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/5/2010 11:58:58 AM

Love martyr now? Wow man...how many more labels am I gonna be branded with around here?! LOL.


For those of you in the know, I would hardly consider Jinxer a martyr of any kind, and certainly not someone who would die on the cross for love.

What Jinx has intimated is that he simply receives all he needs from a prim 'n' proper FWB, thus relegating the age old LTR useless in his eyes.

He has streamlined his options and taken the path of least resistance.

Indeed, I am certainly headed that way myself.

Sometimes, less is more.

Especially when it means white hot sex, warm meals and not having to sleep in the wet spot.


 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 87
view profile
History
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/5/2010 12:12:01 PM

So, once a man has been in a FWB for a while, and it ends (for whatever reason - irrelevant), is he more likely to look for another FWB as opposed to a serious relationship.... in other words does he get "hooked" on FWBing....?
Why do you assume that he would be "hooked." Couldnt' he just form another FWB because of personal circumstances? What if he formed a mono relationship but never married.. or lived together.. a relationship that only lasted a year say, and then went onto another mono rel. that lasted another short while.. Serial monogamers aren't much different than FWB's? as far as that goes.

A lifetime of promiscuity could cause an addiction to sex. However; I doubt the type of relationship one was in, would cause an addiction to a particular type of relationship..IMO.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 88
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/5/2010 12:26:57 PM
I just re-read this whole thread and I have to say, I think for all the ones defining the difference between a FWB and a FB there is no real difference.

In their definition, it really isn't. Agreed.

Unless the person in question was a good friend prior to any type of sexual arrangement being made, it's an FB. People like to call it FWB because it sounds nicer when trying to offer it to someone else, but in the end the person they're talking to isn't one they knew very well before the sex started.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 90
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/5/2010 1:43:33 PM

And the most powerful force, I found...selfishness. "Me me me all about me" mentality.

I believe you. You demonstrate it every time you post.

And I am the same way, which may surprise some people. But just because *I* like the convenience and lack of emotional messiness of an FWB doesn't mean that those who DO NOT are idiots or insane or whatever other hateful slurs posters have slung at them are true. Because *I* do not know what works for other people. *I* don't have all the facts about what they "need", emotionally.

BTW, I work with a bunch of women, and of my friends here who are married--NOT ONE has a big honkin' ring. Only one even wears a wedding band. So, at least for these 4 women, it's NOT about the ring. The one has mentioned that she married her husband because he keeps her feet warm at night.

I think I'm getting all mixed up what with that dying marriage thread and then this one, though. So maybe I'm cross-pollinating the slurs.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 92
view profile
History
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/5/2010 2:06:10 PM

Probably why more and more men are jumping on the FWB bandwagon.
It would go to follow then that more and more women are doing the same.
.. The mind is the biggest errogenous zone: There's something to be said about enjoying sex with a un cluttered mind.. one that's sans all the "un-sexy things that can occur while in a longterm committed live-in relationship.

In the long run; though, I'm most happy knowing I have someone who is devoted to me and I them, who has my back , and I theirs during good times and, in times of need.. A lifemate is a wonderful thang too.
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 95
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/5/2010 8:09:06 PM
There are so many labels folks place on sexually active people it's kinda funny. Folks can be hooked on many things----having a special person with whom they can 'hang out and fvck' with a certain level of camaraderie is often times easier to digest than simply having a bounty of booty calls...aka fvck buddies.

If you are engaging in sex...well, by sweet Jezuz...you are now engaged in a SEXUAL relationship. Perhaps it's not what everyone will aspire to---but it does happen and it's just as much a relationship as any other, just for some it's a far sight easier to dispose of than one where you are in LOVE and all googlie eyed about your LOVER.

What I find interesting is that some people are just as nonchalant in their thinking of a romantic relationship---so where is the difference in a sexual one??? Is there a rating to the value of it which makes someone hooked on sex only vs love and sex? It's all subjective and semantics in my opinion.

If I want to fvck someone and we are 'friendly' and the chemistry is right-----yeah, I'll have at it-----if we happen to repeat the process and like each other but don't want to be crippled (cough cough) by any romantic entanglements---sex is a great form of exercise and makes a person feel good all over. That might explain why folks can get hooked on it---and this isn't gender specific because some women are just as hooked as some men are when it comes to no strings ( or few strings ) sexual encounters.
 RossMc
Joined: 10/29/2008
Msg: 96
view profile
History
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/6/2010 5:23:40 AM
A lot of it is supply and demand. Given that with single women, about 60% of them are chasing the top 30% of men, those men can have all the FWBs they want. I think women are more geared to looking for romance, but maybe while they are looking for their 6 foot 3 windsurfing stockbroker, they can maybe settle for a FWB arrangement.
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 98
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:40:14 AM
^^^

Deb, nor have some who are in 'alleged committed' relationships who sneak around having a little cake on the side----pie at home and lord knows what else. While I certainly respect your view on the subject---being a grown up has little baring on the matter----it's all about personal choice.


Just saying.
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 99
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:11:26 AM

Rarely do the men look within themselves and notice what's missing--a true connection to something bigger than "just here and now". Men are geniuses at escaping responsibilities of the heart by just ignoring their feelings.


Quite an assertion regarding the world's male population. Let's not forget that both genders have members who have acquired these skills and put them to use for their own benefit.

Regards,

ACP
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 101
view profile
History
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:35:58 AM

A lot of it is supply and demand. Given that with single women, about 60% of them are chasing the top 30% of men, those men can have all the FWBs they want. I think women are more geared to looking for romance, but maybe while they are looking for their 6 foot 3 windsurfing stockbroker, they can maybe settle for a FWB arrangement.
The possiblility exists that if the 6'3" windsurfing stockbroker is garnering 60% of the female dating pool, then it goes to reason that then those types WILL end up becoming "hooked" (for lack of a better term) on the FWB thingy, simply because they can.
I'd say that the majority who snag one of these windsurfing stockbrokers will more likely end up with a 6'3" mindsurfing, heartbreaker ..
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 102
view profile
History
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:39:41 AM

A lot of it is supply and demand. Given that with single women, about 60% of them are chasing the top 30% of men, those men can have all the FWBs they want. I think women are more geared to looking for romance, but maybe while they are looking for their 6 foot 3 windsurfing stockbroker, they can maybe settle for a FWB arrangement.

The flip side of this, of course, is that 60% of the men are chasing the same 30% of the women, who can thus finagle a friends-without-benefits (aka "dating") arrangement that the guy must settle for. So it all evens out in the wash.

But it's funny that nobody's calling these people "immature"...
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 104
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/8/2010 11:12:54 AM

I'm still somewhat shocked when I hear statements like this. It's so outside my reality I have to believe such things are more related to geography than age group.

It's entirely possible that geography/local culture/etc had significant bearing. I was born a bit earlier in the 50s, and grew up in a small farming village on the eastern edge of Dutch West Michigan,LOL.

There was no spectre of fear or "bad" behaviour in my health classes.
there was no spectre of ANYTHING in my health classes, probably because there WEREN'T ANY. We were given some information about menstruation in girls Phys Ed classes. Home Economics and Family Living were about the NONsexual aspects of married life.
And some of this mindset was more or less 'absorbed' from parents and other older family members,from seeing the reaction(condemnation,mostly) of any girls that "got themselves in trouble"...
And also, there are probably just enough women who got PAST those early messages and learned to enjoy sex,that it's confusing for men when one woman is cool with FwB or whatever, and the next one demands 'committment' before the legs come uncrossed.

I honestly never heard people talk about sexuality in a negative and fear-based way until I started reading internet forums about five/six years ago. It was all cool, until then.
Thus arises a significant source of the varying opinions about FwB. And again, there are a fair number of women who either WERE raised in a more open minded environment, or who managed to figure things out for themselves. But as other posters have commented, there is STILL a "don't give it up too soon" shibboleth floating around the dating scene.
As for being pro one thing and anti another,I personally am for whatever works best for the individual,based on their situation at any given time, and provided that
whatever they're doing, their partner in whatever is on the same page...no lying, prevaricating, allusions to false premises,etc.
Cindy O
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 105
view profile
History
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/8/2010 11:15:56 AM

As for being pro one thing and anti another,I personally am for whatever works best for the individual,based on their situation at any given time, and provided that
whatever they're doing, their partner in whatever is on the same page...no lying, prevaricating, allusions to false premises,etc.
Cindy O
The voice of reason speaks the loudest!
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 108
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/8/2010 1:22:52 PM

This is what some people JUST DONT GET.
FREINDS. Its just what it says it is.
...
Then it was a FB, NOT a FWB.
This is really that hard to understand??????
A Ford is not a Chevy. Its just not. No matter how much you want it to be.

Nope--but both ARE cars, even if YOU want to put a finer point on it.
Just because YOU define somethng a certain way doesn't make it so to everyone--I think that is made QUITE clear, here on this thread!
You know, the other one has BUDDY in it. Which is another term for "friend". You could just as well say screw pal, still has the ole "friend" part to it all. Lover implies "love". So, really, they are made-up terms that each person has a slightly different connotation for. YOU do not have THE definition copyrighted, sorry.
To imply others "don't get it" is to be arrogant.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 109
view profile
History
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/8/2010 1:48:03 PM
From Wiki:

>A casual relationship is a physical and emotional relationship between two people who may have a sexual relationship or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting the extra commitments of a more formal romantic relationship. A casual relationship differs from casual sex,which has little or no emotional element, and different from a one-night stand, as the relationship extends beyond a single sexual encounter. Related terms are friends with benefits and **** buddy. There are significant gender and cultural differences in acceptance of and breadth of casual relationships,[1][2][3][4] as well as in regrets about action/inaction in those relationships.[5]

A casual relationship may be part time, or for a limited time, and may or may not be monogamous. The term encompasses friendships between people who enjoy each other's physical intimacy but do not aspire to be long-term, and may or may not involve parties who desire temporary relationships purely for hedonistic purposes. In each case, the relationship's dominance in the lives of those involved is being voluntarily limited, and there is usually a sense that the relationship is intended to endure only so long as both parties wish it to.

To the extent such relationship include casual sexual contact, the relationship is generally focused on fulfilling sexual desire rather than romantic or emotional needs.

Motives for casual relationships vary, and should be distinguished from casual sex, >which is a specific type of casual relationship. Casual relationships sometimes include mutual support, affection and enjoyment, which underpin other forms of loving relationship.


 easygoingguy1974
Joined: 7/27/2011
Msg: 110
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/2/2012 8:55:34 PM
Just my 2 cents. I flipped through the responses but didnt read every single one.

In my experience, the women in my area are more comfortable with fwb relationships than they are with an actual committed dating relationship.

I have seriously chatted with and gotten to know roughly 400 women in the 6 years I have been divorced. (pretty easy to do if you take the time to do the math, thats roughly 66 women a year.) In that 6 years and 400 women that Ive chatted with, out of a city of 350k, I have yet to meet one woman that DOES NOT have a fwb situation going on.

Sad part is, out of that 400 women, I have yet to meet one single one that was willing to give up her fwb. More often than not, every single one of these women talked nonstop about only meeting guys who wanted sex, and how they couldnt find a man that was ready to settle down. On the same note, they talked nonstop about how much they cared about their fwb and "if only one thing was different" with him.

It all boils down to the most important part of a relationship. HONESTY.
Not only do you need to be honest with the person you are dating. More important you need to be honest with YOURSELF. If you have a fwb and you are looking for a long term relationship. Maybe you ladies (and guys) should learn to masterbate. I for one, do not want to date, or hang out with someone that is going to be getting booty call texts in the middle of me paying for dinner.
 MustangGirl1965
Joined: 12/21/2011
Msg: 111
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/3/2012 2:38:04 AM
I haven't read the entire thread as it's quite lengthy but this is my experience. After my marriage ended, I stayed away from men for a long time. I got busy, lost weight, re-gained some self-confidence and met someone at my gym. I was rather surprised when he asked me out for dinner and drinks a few weeks later. From the outset of the first date, he told me that there would be no emotional involvement - just friends and if I wanted it, great sex. I had a physical attraction to this man but that was all. Nice guy, just not my type for a relationship.

Being with him made me realise I was desirable, sexy, cute and funny, among other things. He treated me really well, was very respectful yet amazing in the bedroom, and we both stuck to the ground rules. We had sex when we both wanted to - if I said "no" he was fine with that and vice versa. When I met someone I wanted an emotional connection with, I talked to my friend first, and we stopped seeing each other before I started seeing the new guy.

I've now got a new boyfriend after taking another break, and I can say without any doubt that a FWB is a good situation if it's mutually-agreed upon and if there are clear rules set for the parties to follow. The minute it no longer works as such, it must be ended. And I didn't find it addictive at all. Oh, nor did my friend as he is now engaged to a wonderful woman!
 FyrKrakn
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 113
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/3/2012 8:00:31 AM
I don't know about men. I know that if your life situation really won't allow for a traditional relationship, but you strongly desire SOMETHING, that an FWB or other untraditional relationship is all that you will seek.

Some FWB are two people who meet during their search for the right one and they find that circumstances beyond their control make them incompatible but they mutually respect and lust anyway. Enter the FWB supposing they can communicate, and agree to it.

Others, it is their own lives that make them incompatible with EVERYONE for a couples up situation. This is me. At least it has been me for a very long time, it is changing, and, I have been working at making it change.

However, I recognize in myself that there are certain aspects about my relationship needs that are in conflict now that I have begun to WANT a traditional relationship and begun to WANT to do a serious emotional investment and be invested in. The fact that I am over 40 and have worked hard for the little that I have after many start overs, makes me a little unwilling to share. I was once a very sharing person, now, I wanna take my ball and go home anytime someone doesn't want to play the game my way. This isn't good for romance. For the FWB, it works fine. There's more, and to keep these mindsets and habits, I would have to stick with FWB. That would be a circumstance within my control, ones I could choose to change. So the question would be, am I too hooked on FWB to have a traditional relationship?

The point of why keep an FWB connection is currently moot for me. Going back some time, when I recognized these feelings in me (and perhaps I only began to feel them as the life changes that I had been working on had finally begun to happen and there was rational room for me to feel like love would be an awesome thing to experience, I mean, before, it was just pointless to ponder), I realized that it was time to cut ties with FWB in order to make room for what I wanted.

I do this with all things. If there is a new material object I want, I look around my home to see what I can get rid of to make space for it. If there is a new interest that i need time for, I delete a waster. I cannot imagine saying to anyone that I am SERIOUSLY looking for a traditional relationship while I am scheduled or easily scheduled to hang with a FWB. I do still have my movie night and hang out friends whom I have never had any intimacies with, but, if the need to focus on a new relationship comes my way, I will. During a search, though, the FWB is no option. If my life bounces back to incompatible with romance, that's a different story.
 RedElectric
Joined: 11/8/2011
Msg: 114
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/3/2012 9:09:55 AM
I have been seeing my FB since 2004. Every time I end it, he comes back a few months later. I felt so heartbroken this last time because I thought it was really the last time, and I felt really betrayed but he's back again. I don't know if either of us will be able to have a real relationship with other people without having our FB thing to always fall back on. I thought I was the only one getting feelings, but if he keeps coming back and is so apologetic, I dunno, maybe he is too. In the back of my mind, I feel that if he or I never find anyone, we could end up together. *shrug* idk

p.s. if either of us were in a relationship w anyone else we stopped having sex w each other and u obviously don't tell who u're w about your fb! Duuuh
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >