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 AUTHOR
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 122
Hooked on having a FWB?Page 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
"I wonder how come he left?"

Duplicity? Double standard? Losing situation? Heartbreak? Boredom? Maybe just the recognition of reality.

"Excuse me-are you saying that any woman who has EVER willingly had sex outside a "commited, exclusive, monagamous, "has a future", meaningful relationship, or a marriage-has abdicated her right to have sex mean something?"

Interesting question for this thread. FWB's are the discussion topic. While they may represent some type of hybrid relationship, I think the vast majority of women would, on the surface, disagree!

I'm not going to say that a FWB precludes a relationship of a different kind. I WILL say that it makes it highly unlikely when a woman or man has one and is seeking others.

I love the profiles that elude to women not being easy, but secretly they have a FWB. Or better still how they want an LTR with someone special. That's kinda like saying they are not bigoted but hate a certain type of person.

You can't have your cake and eat it too, or be a little pregnant!!

Women chastise men all the time for seeking sex, these same women have a vanilla profile and seek an LTR, BUT maintain a FWB. Isn't that the same thing or worse, they are misleading and lying before they even meet the guy. Then they go on about not having sex too soon. Hahahahaha!

I can say clearly, while I have no problem when someone, man or woman wants sex, it's not a bad thing, it's their choice. However when your playing the "I want a relationship" card and having a FWB, your lying to both you and the person your dating or trying to meet. Your selling suzy homemaker while being anything but.

Having casual sex is a fact of life, meeting a need for yourself is just fine. When you say you want only X, but secretly have Y, who are you kidding?

Perhaps I am too old fashioned to understand that being 2 people at the same time is acceptable. Then why not admit that is who you are? Hahahahaha!

At times I have participated in forums where women have said, "put it in your profile" if you belive that! I have and I agree.

So all you ladies who are looking for an LTR, will only have sex when you know them better or are in committed reltionship and have a FWB going for now, be sure to put that in your profile, right after saying "you want to take things slow"!!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 123
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/11/2012 9:13:31 AM

However when your playing the "I want a relationship" card and having a FWB,

So, to use an analogy-your residence burns down. You are forced to go live in a motel or a monthly-rent apartment-does that mean you are not entitled to look for the place you really WANT to live-because you already have basic shelter?

I realize that sex is not on the same plane as needing shelter. But I can see how someone might enjoy a genuine FwB while REMAINING OPEN to finding someone that is a good match on every necessary level. I also recognize that at some points in their lives, people may find that a FwB is what works best for them at that time, and then further on down the road, they are more focused on "relationship only". Does that mean that anyone who has ever had a FwB or other form of casual sex is no longer entitled to want sex to be meaningful in an emotional context? Where does that leave the less hip-joined, non-cohabiting style of LTR that I'm seeing more and more in real life ,( even here in the Land that Time Forgot!lol)?

I don't personally hold with multiple concurrent FwBs,and I believe that one should not be having sexual flings elsewhere if they are dating someone with an intent towards relationship.
But those are simply my personal standards, I cannot force them on other people.

I've heard people remark that having a FwB, or some other arrangement for sexual gratification, can keep one more clear-headed and not so apt to be manipulated by sexual urges when dating. Oddly enough, I hear this as much-if not more-from men as from women. Men seem to think that having certain dates that are only about sex-or even PAYING for sex, will keep them from having other "relationship quality" women "use sex to control the dating outcome".

Personally, I think thats' just fine, and he doesn't need to announce that or put it in a profile, or on a T-shirt. However, I do (mildly) have a bit of an issue with the concept that "quality women" are the ones who "use sex to control the dating outcome"-really, it's threads like this that seem to say, that to be considered a "quality woman" one MUST use sex to control the dating outcome-it's not to be used for pleasure, it must be meted out carefully so that the "it must MEAN something"standard doesn't get it's feathers ruffled.

But I'm getting a sense here that this topic is slipping back into a double standard. If I date a man with intentions of forming a relationship, and find out that he had a FwB until our dating became quite serious, am I entitled to brand him as "trying to be 2 people at the same time"? Or is the "meaningful sex" context only applicable to "suzy homemaker"?


So all you ladies who are looking for an LTR, will only have sex when you know them better or are in committed reltionship and have a FWB going for now,be sure to put that in your profile,

Oh? When are the men who have "sexual encounter only " dates, men who play the hit'n'run game, men who pay a prostitute or go out in the parking lot with one of the local bar stars going to start posting that information in their profiles? When do we women get to post to our profile how the "looking for LTR guy" vanished after we had sex( that "MEANT SOMETHING" to us!)?
Really! I mean no disrespect, I'm not trying to make men out as "oppressing" women, or to be soapboxing about double standards-but how is a woman having a FwB any different than a guy who finds a "hook-up" or 2 every week, but is on dating sites looking for LTRs? Can we women suggest that in the interest of honesty-men who date for sexual purposes, have hook-ups, or use some sort of paid "professional"-put that on their profile-right after "taking it slow", "friends first" and "looking for my soulmate?"

Sorry-didn't mean to let this drift into a discourse on double standards-but I wanted this post to mean something...

To get back to the question posed in the OT-which was a question about MEN and how they might(or might not) decide that LTRs were a waste of time when they can get all the things they want from a woman in a FwB...
drum roll please-ladies, gentlemen, and children of all ages, I present to you(ta-dah!!)
The ORIGINAL TOPIC;


Reading all the threads on FWB's and whether or not they can develop into a relationship or not got me wondering something...

There seems to be a few people who feel that once a man is in a FWB relationship he has the best win-win situation. He gets the sex, requiring no committment and no responsibility, little or no drama, likely not monogamous and he's usually free to continue to play the field...

So, once a man has been in a FWB for a while, and it ends (for whatever reason - irrelevant), is he more likely to look for another FWB as opposed to a serious relationship.... in other words does he get "hooked" on FWBing....?


Where in this is there a reference to duplicity-or even for duplicity involving women who have "secret FwBs"? Or double standards-or "Suzy Homemaker"-IN FACT the OT is about MEN and whether they might be tending to STOP at "FwB"-rather than pursuing a "committed LTR".

From all I've read here in the forums- it would seem that men on PoF tend to stop at getting laid, that a lot of men who come to PoF have the perception that PoF is a hook-up site, not a relationship site. This has not especially been my personal experience-but I do get a sense that a lot of guys see MOST online dating as a hook-up opportunity, more than a place to seek LTRs. Oddly enough, apparently a lot of these men are representing themselves as seeking LTRs-so it seems like there must be some kind of perception that it is necessary to shade the truth of their dating goals. I will certainly concede that many of these men MAY be open to a LTR with the"right woman", should he find her in the course of seeking hook-ups and/or FwB. Maybe thats' a GOOD thing?-leaving people to only enter into long-term committment because of an incredible broad-spectrum connection, not just to get a reliable source of sexual gratification? Just a question that crosses my miond- one that I seriously doubt "the jury" will ever come in on...

The other thing I want to mention is that there seems to be a tendency to interpret the LTR that does not cohabit, that does not have cohabitation(or marriage) as a goal, that permits the participants to maintain greater autonomy-is often MISpercieved as a FwB.

In my demographic and IRL, I am finding that a lot of people would be VERY surprised to learn that their noncohabiting, less structured LTR is some sort of a "hybrid" form of-what? Exploitation? Having cake and eating it too? And I am AMAZED at how many personal friends and acquaintances here in middle-age, middle -class midMichigan, already ARE in "FwBs" or are looking for them.

I admit, this response was first and foremost in reply to points set out in the immediately previous post. Perhaps we all need to remind ourselves
to look back at the OT from time to time. And the OT here was about MEN and how the existence of the "FwB" type involvement might cause many men to adopt it as their involvement of choice.
Cindy O
 TOEDWY
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 124
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/11/2012 9:48:56 AM

likely not monogamous and he's usually free to continue to play the field...


I'm looking for my best friend... preferably the one I can't live without...

For me a woman would have to be someone I would want as a great friend before we became intimate... but because we became intimate does not mean that we are instantly committed?

I'm one guy who doesn't sleep around for a plethora of reasons, so if I'm with a woman intimately chances are I'm not going to be sleeping with someone else unless and until we had stopped being intimate with each other at the very least.

That does not mean that I would not be friends with, hang out with, see, talk to, or even date someone else? I may be somewhat of an exception to the greater whole of men when it comes to how many sexual partners I would have at one time... but I do think there are plenty of other gentlemen out there who don't bed hop too.

The bottom line is mutual respect right? Like I said I'm seeking the one I can't live without... once found isn't going to be easy to even think of another anyway!?







 FyrKrakn
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 125
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/11/2012 4:47:38 PM
Thanks to distance and schedules, It can take weeks to meet someone. I start out with saying what I want (a significant relationship without dirty little secrets) and saying I don't want to deal with an impossible to meet regular circumstance. So the guy keeps talking to me anyway. and when he thinks it's right, he suggests friends with benefits.

I'm not a prude, but what is the point for me to disconnect from FWB to make room for a significant relationship just to open up a new Start with FWB "and see where it goes", thing? I KNOW where it goes, and when that was the only place, my life could go, that was acceptable and I was content with it.

I wonder if some people are not just hooked on FWB, but too afraid to venture further?
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 127
view profile
History
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/18/2012 6:54:36 PM

I wonder if some people are not just hooked on FWB, but too afraid to venture further?


That's an excellent question.

I think some people are so afraid of what a "committed" (whatever title you want to apply) means. A commitment binds you...emotionally and sometimes legally... to another person and also means that you have to surrender your defenses enough to allow someone actually lay claim on you and you on them. It's damn scary.

I also think there's a fair ammount of "wanting everything" in our society. So people want "intimacy" (so they have a "fwb" instead of the old anonymous "casual sex") but they also want their "absolute freedom." They want to be touched and to touch, but want none of the responsibility that comes with that because, in their eyes, that means "losing" something. Not to mention they want someone to use, all the while keeping their options open in case "someone better" comes along.

Marriage/commitment/whatever involves sacrifice. Sacrifice is a dirty word in our culture. "FWB" (what are we, 15???) involves no sacrifice, at least in theory. The trouble is that theory usually do not hold in the real world, no matter how badly we want them to.
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 128
view profile
History
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/18/2012 7:00:47 PM

Someone you know well & is not sleeping around just for sex, but that there is exclusitivity with NO commitment.


Ahhh... But here's the rub.... How do you "know" that your "FWB" isn't sleeping around for sex? After all, they have made NO commitment to YOU, either.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. And if a person is willing to have a sexual relationship with you for no commitment, how do you know if they aren't scratching their itch with someone else while you're off traveling. Or vice-versa?

And that's where problems lie. Like STDs. Like a feeling of betrayal or insecurity. You put it in all your terms, but your "friend" may have her own terms...
 mcmatyev
Joined: 6/28/2011
Msg: 129
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/19/2012 7:28:57 AM
I totally agree with lolamac, I know I'm looking for a serious relationship but have started a Cougar/cub relationship with someone 20 years my junior as a fun way to pass the time until that happens, or in case it doesn't happen at all.
 DANQQ4DA1
Joined: 1/6/2009
Msg: 130
view profile
History
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/23/2012 12:51:36 AM
mcmatyev, I think its good for a Cougar to have a cub or cubs arround. Especially at our age. It could come in handy even after you start a relationship with a man your age. I think its pretty hott!
 DallasPrettyLady
Joined: 2/6/2012
Msg: 131
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/23/2012 3:05:59 AM
Just like anyone, they'll play the field, sleep around, and wait for someone who to them is worth settling down with. Usually they just aren't out looking for something serious, they are just looking for someone hot for sex and if they start to like the person then they may date, but if they aren't serious about it they'll probably go right back to it after the breakup.
If they never realize the person they should settle down with then they just end up pretty lonely in the end and usually have regrets.
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 132
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/23/2012 5:06:11 AM
it depends on alot of factors..alot of fwb relationships are married people, whom for obvious reasons cannot committ to 2 people on the same level at the same time. For myself personally, i've tried it for a short time when i was younger and didnt like it. I look for alot more substance now and to do it just for the sex now would make me feel cheap and used..so no it didnt 'hook me' at all in any way.
 coderedjulia1
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 133
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/23/2012 1:09:25 PM
I don't really think so. Sometimes you just need to have sex..lol. Which is the way I feel sometimes, but I don't think anyone is being used. Sometimes, I just want sex, and no relationhip. I'm not really sure if a FWB can blossom into a relationship. I certainly never had feelings for any of those men. I have once gone with years with no sex. But sometimes..I just want it..lol
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 134
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 2/24/2012 12:15:21 PM

alot of fwb relationships are married people,

Nope. Those are called cheaters.
Cindy O
 meowkatt2012
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 135
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 7/14/2012 11:37:27 PM
I would say I have been hooked on very young FWB's for the last 3 years.I am still in the process of trying to get myself in a different frame of mind before I start looking for a real relationship with someone also more age appropriate. That's why I'm here for forums only
Hoping I can "grow up" even though I'm pretty old lol.
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 136
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 7/15/2012 1:12:31 AM
a fwb is nice. you dont care who your fwb is sleeping with when they go out to the bar. you dont have to do the things that are expected of a significant other. and a fwb isnt really in a position, generally speaking, to cause you much harm in the long run. unlike a husband or wife.
 basschops
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 137
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 7/15/2012 4:57:19 AM
A FWB deal ended up causing me a great deal of pain, it backfired big time, works for some but I know alot of people that have suffered over them.. good luck
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 138
view profile
History
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 7/15/2012 6:15:52 AM
People with (true) FWBs post less silly, angry, bitter, whiny POF threads than people without. That tells you all you need to know right there.
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 139
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 7/15/2012 6:27:21 AM
well..what about married men that are in FWB relationships..?/ not so much 'hooked'..as for whatever reason, he prefers that type of relationship..either he cannot commit..or his 'situation' at home is not happy, so he gets it elsewhere.
 Thomas_Andronicus
Joined: 6/17/2012
Msg: 140
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 7/15/2012 7:15:24 AM
From msg 139:

Sometimes you just need to have sex.
Sometimes, I just want sex,
But sometimes..I just want it

And your point is?
 MrVirgo
Joined: 5/19/2010
Msg: 142
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 7/15/2012 7:35:06 AM
FWB Relationships are an acquired taste. Some people are good at it & some can't handle.
Those are the simple facts about it & it will never change.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 144
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:59:59 AM
Will he be hooked on FWB once he's had one?

Who cares, he won't be getting one here.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 146
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 7/15/2012 4:32:37 PM

well..what about married men that are in FWB relationships..?/

Nope-married people who "get it elsewhere" are called cheaters.
Fwbs are for unattached adults who do not want to be in a full-fledged "relationship"...and there ARE situations and circumstances where that is perfectly OK, as long as the 2 people IN the "fwb" are on the same page.
And "fwb" is NOT the same thing as the committed but non-cohabiting long-term relationships that seem to be becoming more common.
"well...what about married men" is not germane to the topic of fwbs.
Cindy O
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 147
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 7/16/2012 1:18:30 PM
[People with (true) FWBs post less silly, angry, bitter, whiny POF threads than people without. That tells you all you need to know right there.]


[FWB Relationships are an acquired taste. Some people are good at it & some can't handle.
Those are the simple facts about it & it will never change.]


Agreed, it is in a sense an acquired taste. Meowkatt mentioned "growing up", this may be the case......for some people. For others, it is simply a case of wanting a different kind of relationship.
Sometimes, ...just sometimes ...two grown adults may not want to deal with the seriousness of a relationship and emotionally want the freedom to say "I would like to move on" without any hurt feelings yet still need the benefit from a warm body, conversation and monogamous safe sex. It is all in the mind. Personal preference for whatever their reason may be. Not everyone can handle it however because of this, please don't trash those who can. Also there's a huge difference between FWB and cheaters. Do you know it?
As for OP's topic, I can fully see how a person fully into FWBs can get hooked on it. Like I said, it's all in the mind.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 6/20/2012
Msg: 148
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 7/16/2012 1:45:18 PM

two grown adults may not want to deal with the seriousness of a relationship and emotionally want the freedom to say "I would like to move on" without any hurt feelings yet still need the benefit from a warm body, conversation and monogamous safe sex.

I would never consider a FWB situation monogamous... isn't that one of the very limitations they are aiming to avoid?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 149
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 7/16/2012 2:17:31 PM
^^ Not at all - ideally it's having sex with someone you already know enough to be comfortable with and as a safer alternative to a lot of casual situations or one night stands.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 150
Hooked on having a FWB?
Posted: 7/16/2012 2:19:10 PM

Ahhhhhh yes the committed non co-habiting long term relationship where the innocent party does not know the other half is s h a g g i n g behind your back.



I would never consider a FWB situation monogamous... isn't that one of the very limitations they are aiming to avoid?


I cannot speak for what other peoples intentions and practices, but having come to be very fond of my autonomy, a non-cohabiting LTR is exactly what I want and I have no intention whatsoever of "shagging" anyone else behind my partners back...and were I to find him doing such a thing the relationship would end just like millions of people in cohabiting LTRS and marriages do when their partner cheats.

A FwB recognizes that this is not going to be a "forever" situation. GOOD fwbs DO maintain sexual monogamy.This however is a matter of someone's own personal standards, it cannot be dictated as a "rule". If 2 fwbs encounter a situation where one of them is entertaining multiple sexual partners, the only "remedy" is for the other("innocent") person is to decide whether to continue the fwb or end it.

If an ethical person in a fwb situation meets someone that they wish to DATE,with committed relationship as the desired goal-they cease the benefits part of the fwb-and often may find it necessary to dial back on the "friend" part. If the fwb partner is also an ethical person and a true friend, they have no wish to stand in the way of a friends' best interests.

yes, yes I know its' not a perfect world, people are not perfect, relationships are not perfect...but good grief, have so many people here known nothing but dishonest, unethical, unprincipled romantic partners?

I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't take it upon myself to start informing the many people I know who are in non-cohabiting LTRs, or those in FwBs, just how they are going to be taken advantage of, screwed over and cheated on because they are not in a "forever"(either official or unoffical) relationship living under the same roof.
But then, they might think I'm crazier than was originally suspected.

Look, not all fwbs or noncohabiting LTRs "end well". But it would certainly seem, going by these forums, that damn few marriages do, either.
JMO
Cindy O
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