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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > why do people feel like they need someone in their life .      Home login  
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 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 121
why do people feel like they need someone in their life .Page 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

I can't apply the word "need" to someone I haven't met or may not meet - only when I meet a man that becomes important in my life to a huge degree will the need happen, and it will be a natural thing, just like the other people I need who are important in my life. Until then I can only "want", at best.

No offense intended, but after years of reading your posts, "need" is not a word in your vocabulary when you are posting about interpersonal relationships. Whether that word attributes to someone you know or don't. Nothing wrong with that at all ~ I just see no reason for you to be disagreeing with anyone (me or zillions of others over the years) who don't find the word "need" as a dirty word or a character defect. It's perfectly understandable that you don't need anyone, that's part of who you are. It used to be part of who I was as well. I get it! Doesn't mean some of us don't evolve to a place we once used to find uncomfortable. (And whether or not I know or don't know someone? I still need people. I need the man who reads the electrical meter, as I need power, I need the MD who takes care of my health concerns, I need my friends, I need the nice-guy who stops to make sure I'm OK when I have a flat tire and am waiting for AAA, etc., we ALL need things and others. If we didn't? Forums wouldn't exist as POF wouldn't exist, for that matter, we'd all be Stepford People programmed to be alone, all alone, forever.) JMO
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 122
why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 5/26/2010 11:49:55 AM
^^^My posts can sometimes be misunderstood as arguments or personal attacks. I was agreeing that we ALL need people generally as humans, and I can grow to need certain people personally regardless of the type of relationship myself. In fact, if need wasn't a word I use in my vocabulary, I wouldn't have used it.

It wasn't a disagreement, it was a personal standpoint (which is why "I" was in it a lot). Trust me, no one knows more than I do, however that it's all certainly not even close to being about me at any given time, and no one advocates live and let live more than I do. I was just relating to what others were saying...not making them wrong. If I think someone's wrong, I say "I think you're wrong".

I was just saying it's hard for me to say I need anyone I haven't actually met or talked to yet, nor do I think they should need me prior to knowing me or my importance to them. Talking out loud. My mistake.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 124
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why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 5/26/2010 12:21:15 PM

saying I need an SO in my life is abstract and applies to "anyone". I don't really need "anyone" in that random sense of the word.

I disagre with this view. I think admitting one needs an SO doesn't mean they're willing to accept just "anyone" out of desperation. I think the implication of an SO is just the opposite - someone particular, someone special, even if you don't know who they are yet.

In a different context, a company who has functioned quite well without an office manager may decide at some point that they "need" one. This doesn't mean they're going to grab the first person who walks in claiming to be an office manager; it doesn't mean that the company is going to collapse if they don't hire someone in the next week. What it does mean is that they've come to the conclusion that an office manager will add value to their operations and so they start the search to fill this need and screen applicants till they find one who meets their criteria. They hire somone, usually with a probationary period to make sure they "fit" the job. If not, they search and screen again till they find someone else. Ultimately, their "need" for an office manager didn't render them desperate or unable to function; it merely recognized that this position is an important part of the overall functioning and growing of the business if they make the right choice.

Same with people needing someone in their life; it's a natural and normal part of human relationships, and isn't always adequately filled by friends and family. When someone is willing to admit they "need" a special person, they don't suddenly become dysfunctional or weak. If anything, they are admitting their humanness and their willingness, as one poster put it, to be vulnerable enough to let someone - not just anyone - but a particular someone into their heart.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 125
why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 5/26/2010 1:31:29 PM

I disagre with this view. I think admitting one needs an SO doesn't mean they're willing to accept just "anyone" out of desperation.

Three things here.
1. When it comes to how I think and what I mean - there's no room for disagreement because no one knows me better than me. I mean what I say - to me that's the way I see it. It may well be different for someone else, I don't claim to expect everyone to be like me about this.
2. Admitting is a word that implies I actually do - which is a good tactic used by people who either refuse to realize others don't think they way they do, or for some reason are personally offended someone out there might not have their mindset.
3. My post wasn't about desperation - it's about an abstract idea that doesn't make sense for me unless/until there's a person to connect it to. If I needed an SO in my life, by now I'd really be suffering without one in my early 40s.

I think the implication of an SO is just the opposite - someone particular, someone special, even if you don't know who they are yet.

This implies there has to be someone, and/or that someone exists and is presently missing from your life. Neither of those things have to be true, actually.

In a different context, a company who has functioned quite well without an office manager may decide at some point that they "need" one.

That's jargon for "want", "could use", "may benefit from", as the word need does get tossed around a lot when it's not really the right word.

This doesn't mean they're going to grab the first person who walks in claiming to be an office manager; it doesn't mean that the company is going to collapse if they don't hire someone in the next week. What it does mean is that they've come to the conclusion that an office manager will add value to their operations and so they start the search to fill this need and screen applicants till they find one who meets their criteria. They hire somone, usually with a probationary period to make sure they "fit" the job. If not, they search and screen again till they find someone else. Ultimately, their "need" for an office manager didn't render them desperate or unable to function; it merely recognized that this position is an important part of the overall functioning and growing of the business if they make the right choice.

That's still a want - unless it's going to cost way more not to hire someone and make a bottom line, and then to some extent it is a need and they may not survive - at least not efficiently without it.

Same with people needing someone in their life; it's a natural and normal part of human relationships, and isn't always adequately filled by friends and family. When someone is willing to admit they "need" a special person, they don't suddenly become dysfunctional or weak. If anything, they are admitting their humanness and their willingness, as one poster put it, to be vulnerable enough to let someone - not just anyone - but a particular someone into their heart.

Hey, I'm a linear thinker - to me need (other than survival need) develops over time for people I know, I come to like/love, I grow attached to over time. I can't miss something that's not there, and I can't need someone I don't know. Again - others may have this skill, but it's lost on me. I also believe people should add to my life, not complete it - so a person friend, family or SO should blend with and/or enhance what's already whole in the first place.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 126
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why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 5/26/2010 3:30:05 PM

1. When it comes to how I think and what I mean - there's no room for disagreement because no one knows me better than me. I mean what I say - to me that's the way I see it.

I said I disagreed with your view or perspective, which isn't the same as saying you don't know yourself, or that I know you better than you know yourself or even that you are wrong to hold the view you do.

It may well be different for someone else, I don't claim to expect everyone to be like me about this.

Yes, I hold a different view than do you; consequently, we disagree or I disagree with you.

2. Admitting is a word that implies I actually do - which is a good tactic used by people who either refuse to realize others don't think they way they do, or for some reason are personally offended someone out there might not have their mindset.

I think there's been miscommunication here. When I used the word "admit", I was thinking of the possibility (or even likelihood) that someone who "admitted" to "needing" an SO would be accused of being weak, too needy, willing to settle for absolutely anything with a pulse. It was not intended to imply that you in particular refused to admit to what I really think is right for you.

That's jargon for "want", "could use", "may benefit from", as the word need does get tossed around a lot when it's not really the right word.

True, so I am willing to take what is said in context, and recognize that they may not really mean they are going to expire without whatever it is they're "needing". I also think that the human desire for connection, from friends/family/SO can validly be called a "need" given the evidence that lack of those things affects people's health negatively from birth throught adulthood.

to me need (other than survival need) develops over time for people I know, I come to like/love, I grow attached to over time. I can't miss something that's not there, and I can't need someone I don't know.

I’m a little different in that, I guess. I believe that as a human, love, connection, companionship and pair-bonding are natural and biologically needed for optimum health – so I seek to fulfill those needs. I seek people with whom I am compatible, who meet certain criteria that I consider important, who are special enough to “me” to satisfy the needs I have for companionship and love. But I am not comfortable with the idea of “needing” any specific individual, though I may mourn their loss.

so a person friend, family or SO should blend with and/or enhance what's already whole in the first place.

Agreed, except maybe with the “family” bit. We don’t choose our family, after all, and often enough they do not blend with or enhance one’s life.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 127
why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 5/26/2010 11:47:44 PM
Yes, I had some bacon, I feel better about the whole g-d thing

Just sick and tired of the 'When are you going to get married' trype from friends, coworkers, family, social networkers
I suppose Twitter is next.

'Somebody is having bacon and ignoring the marriage/ suburban/kids drivel'
 dustingclouds
Joined: 5/11/2010
Msg: 128
why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 5/29/2010 11:19:54 AM
Guess this thread started all over people with codependent issues. Shows that some can't exist without there missing half.. Personally I have just ended another relationship and it has been on the outs for over a yr. Honestly tried this time to figure that there was something about him that made me give him the one more chance thing, but hay when I had made up my mind to quit the relationship I really saw a major reason why we could never work.... he was major dependent on the relationship.. I saw problems from the get go but hay everyone has them.. Now I just feel relieved that the final conversations are over and I get to relax and know that hay I did try but I cannot be anyones reason to suck air into their lungs. Guess it is just yrs of doing what I need to and raising my kids that let me know Hay .. I am quit happy with who I am and if someone is in my life .. then yea.. if not oh well. I am interested in finding someone that enjoys life to the point that they are not using you as their only source of air... keep the dust out of your eyes.. cloud
 Renaissance_Man!
Joined: 5/13/2010
Msg: 129
why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 5/29/2010 11:24:30 AM
^^^ there is nothing wrong with interdependence. It the foundation of family, and human civilization.
 dustingclouds
Joined: 5/11/2010
Msg: 130
why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 5/29/2010 11:25:52 AM
True, so I am willing to take what is said in context, and recognize that they may not really mean they are going to expire without whatever it is they're "needing". I also think that the human desire for connection, from friends/family/SO can validly be called a "need" given the evidence that lack of those things affects people's health negatively from birth throught adulthood. quoted...
I agree with the desire for connection but when do you actually get the chance to see that you are just a fish on the end of a lure and are in trouble with someone that is starving for that morsel...???? not actually getting to just enjoy the lake together??
 god_of_rock
Joined: 1/17/2009
Msg: 131
why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 5/29/2010 11:51:25 AM
a lot of people are so afraid now of being labeled or judged as 'needy' that they will go through life, or large parts of it, basically alone, proud to feel they are 'better' than all those 'needy' types

label as you will, I don't care: I live my life, you live yours..... deal?

..I will accept being labeled 'needy' in the sense that yes I really do want an SO to go through life with, I Will not waste my life being too 'proud' to admit it.

hope that makes the 'non-needy' types feel all superior and proud, at least for a while

already spent a few years that way.. (being 'too proud'..)
 KingRomanticRebel
Joined: 4/5/2010
Msg: 132
why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 5/29/2010 11:57:35 AM
The Top 10 Best Reasons

1. Sex
2. Companionship
3. Drama (which is always the case in any relationship)
4. Money outta pocket
5. Headache
6. Heartache
7. Someone to argue with
8. Someone to cook for you (if you are lucky enough to find a woman that cooks)
9. Someone with baggage to interfere with your happiness
10. Someone with an 'X' that they can't seem to get over

 god_of_rock
Joined: 1/17/2009
Msg: 133
why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 5/29/2010 12:03:58 PM
^^

so perhaps many of the above reasons could be summarized into:

"Feeling like they'd have too much time on their hands, without being in a relationship, and all the time that takes up/entails" ?
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 134
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why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 6/1/2010 7:42:51 AM
God of rock has my vote.
These threads are full of the seemingly stoic types...the ones who profess their inner strength quite assertively..and parse endlessly about the meaning of 'need' vs. 'want'.

While everyone acknowledges that it is great to be independent, it's okay to 'need' and to have that part of you fulfilled through interdependence with another.

After going through one of the worst years I can remember...I have been humbled realizing just how much we all need another, and by all, I mean all. I've spent months in hospitals, months at retirement homes...months around sick people...young and old...and there is a huge difference in how people are when they have people in their life that step up to answer a need--to do for someone, to see 'their need' beyond the bluster, beyond the bravado, and whether it's just a temporary lapse, or something longer we all have moments where we are really would like someone to be there for us, and to not judge us too harshly for needing them.

That's kind of when I realized that there are really many years that people spend 'posing'...simply pretending that 'they're all that'...always reiterating that they're highly functioning, multi-tasking, full-up with their very lives, whizzes at self-sufficiency....so much going on...so much spinning around...and hardly anywhere for someone who just might be interested to find a place to hook on...I think some people don't realize how much they create the reality that they don't want. jmo
 Thisisfun35
Joined: 5/27/2010
Msg: 135
why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 6/3/2010 5:43:57 AM
Instead of it being a question of needing, I think is it s more of a question about wanting. I think I am going to make it to the next day without currently having someone special in my life. So for me it is a matter of wanting someone. As far as why folks feel they need someone in their life all the time, I have no idea why some folks are this way. There are many times when I want to be left alone, and the are many times when I "want" to be with someone. But as far as my survival goes, I am done okay so far alone.
 Boshed
Joined: 12/12/2014
Msg: 136
why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 12/17/2014 9:37:23 AM
“Why do people feel like they have to have someone in their life to be complete”

Some people this is simply how it works and if they don’t have someone then something is wrong with them.
Also, a lot of people don’t know how to be happy alone and become dependant on others for happiness .

“I have a life but always in the back of my mind I am looking for that person.”

Well, it’s good to have a life so that if you do find someone you probably won’t pressure them to fill in the empty spaces as much.

I don’t NEED to be in a relationship but I do prefer being in one to being single.

I don’t ever want to fall back into the mindset of NEEDING a relationship vs WANTING one.

The former category puts one in a powerless postion ( dependence, neediness ), the latter is a powerful position where one can pick and choose since they’ll survive either way.
 Debisue64
Joined: 1/19/2014
Msg: 137
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why do people feel like they need someone in their life .
Posted: 12/17/2014 4:32:19 PM
needing.. wanting.. are just words..

its human nature to look outward for someone to hold.

whether its a best friend.. or a sex partner.. or whatever
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