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 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 39
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How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the datePage 2 of 28    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
Discuss it w/ her if you are serious about her. If she is just one of many you may be dating, just write it off and move on.

In this day and age there is no reason for a woman not to offer to pay part of the time, just an offer is often all a guy wants. But a woman by the same token should not be offended if the guy takes her up on that offer. If money is an issue after 4 dates and not discussed, it will be a bigger issue later on.

I go by the idea that if some one invites a person out, they should be willing to pay. Whether its as friends or dates. If I invite someone out, I expect to pay for them unless it was discussed first. If I can't afford to pay for some one to go along w/ me when I invite them, I tell them up front. "I would love to go to xxxx w/ you but I can't afford to pay for you". Then again I dislike gray areas or confusion when a few simple words can be used.

Good luck OP.
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 40
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/20/2009 7:54:45 AM
I think most men if they like a women will pay, its no biggie to us. Its not cheap to date, and I think men and women can both agree that the men take the end of paying for most dates when you start dating.

Im almost postive that I have been taken for a couple free dinners in my time. It happens. I just try to catch it before it happens more than a couple times thats all. If I date a women more than three times, and she has not at least offered to pay for the tip, or go dutch, then I probably will be turned off by it. Its not even that I would make her pay, but its nice to here the offer, and I think thats what most men would like.

Its very easy for women to say "whoever asks should pay", which I agree with. Lets be honest here, the men do MOST of the asking, that is just fact. Men will probably ask the first couple times.

Most men understand they will be paying for the first couple dates, I think all men are asking is that you offer to take care of the tip, or just say "hey..next one is on me", puts us at ease...
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 41
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/20/2009 8:26:17 AM

I know Tracy he did spoil me also. I just never been asked or told that I need to start paying for dates by any man but there is always a first time for everthing..... lol


Yeah...talk about awkward.

I think because I was raised in an old-fashioned home, with typical male/female roles, as was my ex-boyfriend - which was probably why we got along so well.

When I tell married friends and family members that I'm expected to pay or split the bill on dates now they look at me like I'm crazy...then understand why I'm still single
 fastdogphotog
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 44
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How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/20/2009 8:51:28 AM
Maybe I am just looking at this from my own perspective, but it seems to me there are two different issues here:
1. OFFERING to pay; and
2. Actually PAYING.

To me, in this day an age, it's just a matter of being polite and showing good manners to OFFER to pay some portion of the bill, the tip even, especially after you've been out a couple of times. It's a nice, symbolic gesture showing that you take responsibility for yourself and that you view things as a joint "effort".

I also think it is very tacky to bring it up and discuss it. If someone doesn't feel motivated to at least offer, there is no way I am going to discuss it with them unless they are just so super-fantastic-awesome-incredible-great in practically every other way. Instead, I will just choose not to spend time with them.
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 45
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/20/2009 8:59:33 AM

I'm thinking that you're really not into her so much and are looking for excuses.


this reeks of the princess attitude...."if he doesnt pay for you, he doesnt like you"


if you can't afford to date, then don't date.


this means so much to so many different people. Some women consider 2 nights out a week "dating". For a NORMAL dude like myself who makes enough to survive in this bad economy, eventually it would hit me in the wallet. Now, If I told her..."look, 2 nights out to dinner is putting a dent in my checkbook"...does that make me "cant afford to date?"

Its VERY easy for a women to say "if you cant afford to date..then dont". When generally men pay a lot more than women.

whenever I hear "if you liked her, you wouldnt mind paying for her"...if that is the case, then I can say the same thing back but with a different tone...

"if she liked you, she would sleep with you"...now...tell me what is the difference between the two statements?...nothing...
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 47
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/20/2009 9:37:44 AM
Unfortunatly, this heated topic shows up here every few months, with pretty much the same responses.

Wind - I have nothing against you what-so-ever and do not recall any of your other forum posts.

Maybe I am a princess. But usually when I'm dating someone 'who pays' has never been an issue. It's never been brought up for discussion. Usually the guy I'm dating pays the first couple of times, then after that it's pretty much equal.


"if she liked you, she would sleep with you"...now...tell me what is the difference between the two statements?...nothing...


Um, if I do like them then I will sleep with them at some point soooo...

Anyway, maybe next time she asks you to hang out you can always pull the ol' "I'd love to go out with you, but I had loads of bills to pay this week..." and see how she reacts?

I don't know, OP. But if your gut is telling you that this woman might be using you for free dinners then she probably is. Go with your instinct.
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 48
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/20/2009 9:48:32 AM

Unfortunatly, this heated topic shows up here every few months, with pretty much the same responses.



- Yes it does. And it's so controversial and yet so petty, I don't even bother with it anymore.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 50
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/20/2009 10:40:58 AM

say outright 'I like to go dutch on dates'..


^^^^ What she said. If this is something that really bothers you then you need to put it out there and let the world know.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 51
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How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/20/2009 11:13:08 AM
Saying "I like to go dutch" is as tacky as bringing up paying the bill equally.

It really is not hard to fix, if both really want to be equals.......

I invite you out and I pay, and you invite me out and you pay. The other way to equalize much of this, if some feel uncomfortable with who pays in public, is to have me pay when we are out, and you invite me over and cook the meal and plan all of the social setting at your place, and then offer to do the same at mine after our next date out.

What is happening now becomes very frustrating for many of us with all the mixed signals sent by to many, to often.

I can not tell you how it affects me when the women I am with tell me how much they have fought to be equals, and want equality in the job market, and society, and then in next breath, say how "traditional" they are when it comes to dating.

They want the man to call and ask them out, they want the man to plan the date, pick them up, pay for it and make it all "special". To ask these things and every so often make a slight effort to offer to buy you a drink, or pay for something, makes most of us feel even worse and very small, which forces us to insist on paying for it all.

A true equal WILL make sure that things are equal, and it does not have to be discussed at all until you are in a true exclusive long term relationship when living together, or taking trips, vacations, etc. become the norm.

It amazes me when I get those emails or phone conversations about why I am not pursuing them more, or being traditional, since that is what they expect, and I have to tell them that I am far from traditional when it comes to equality, and if I have to ask for that, it will not happen.

I have been on many dates with women that they expected me to drive to their place, pick them up, or meet them at their convenience, wine and dine them, open doors, stand when they enter or leave, pay for it all, and then wonder what happened when I stopped calling or spending my time because they never intended on making it equal.

If you make close to what I do, and you have close to what I have material wise, and you want to be treated as an equal wherever you go, you can not change and all of a sudden become traditional when it comes to dating.

The "I want more than you do" comment, usually comes from those women that want to be considered an equal, until it relates to courtship, and then they think they want more, because they perceive you as giving less when you refuse to play that game......and it is a game.

cd........
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 53
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/20/2009 11:55:23 AM
Geeesh!!!! Is this Happy Days and Ozzie and Harriet or 2009?

Whether you desire a more traditional woman or an independent woman, should not be the issue. The "who pays for what" is older than dirt on here, must be 100 threads on it, plus the 5,000 or so that have been deleted!

With the economy the way it is, plus the costs rising without most paychecks increasing, almost all people have had to cut back. Even a traditional woman has to recognize milk is not longer .50 a quart, there are no more double features at the movies, etc.

I have found that a man, looking for an old fashioned woman will pay. Even a more modern man will pay. But after reading this through, I still find it appalling that the atitudes on here are wrong. Now I don't know the OP's history as others do, nor did I look at his profile.

First some reguard this subject is touchy and should be approached like your on eggshells. Then some have gone on to discuss the traditional 'he's cheap' or ' it's LA or NY or....' Finally there is a certain disdain to discuss the subject, as though this were some dating taboo.

Folks in 2009, relationships are rarely man marries suzy homemaker and she stays home. Further most women say they don't want this, almost a form of control. For the most part(should be all) relationships are now a partnership between a man and a woman or partners.

Pick out your preference man pays, woman pays, we pay, it doesn't matter. My point is at least a woman should make an offer to pay, or it should be discussed prior to dating. It shows good faith, it shows you recognize the issue, it shows you respect the other person and are aware of costs today.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 54
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/20/2009 12:18:18 PM
You've set the tone for your relationship by paying for all the dates up to this point. Now what you should of done from the beginning is to let her know that you don't like paying for all the cost of dating, but you did not do that so now you have this situation. Only thing to do here would be to tell her that you no longer want to be paying for her share of the dates. I think she will probably not want to see you anymore since you have set her up to believe that you are the type of man who believes in paying for a lady's way. Next time you start dating someone let them know from the very first date that you believe in each person paying for themselves.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 55
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/20/2009 12:26:49 PM

You've set the tone for your relationship by paying for all the dates up to this point. Now what you should of done from the beginning is to let her know that you don't like paying for all the cost of dating, but you did not do that so now you have this situation. Only thing to do here would be to tell her that you no longer want to be paying for her share of the dates. I think she will probably not want to see you anymore since you have set her up to believe that you are the type of man who believes in paying for a lady's way. Next time you start dating someone let them know from the very first date that you believe in each person paying for themselves.


BINGO! You don't want to pay for her anymore then you have to tell her. You can be nice about it and say "I really like you, and want to spend time with you, but I can't afford to pay for you anymore" or you can be a jerk and say "Listen, I'm not paying for you."

In a million years, I could never imagine anyone saying that to me...but probably because I offer.
 all about animals
Joined: 10/24/2009
Msg: 56
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/20/2009 12:33:05 PM
In a million years I can't imagine a guy not paying for the date.

Yeah, I can see once you've been dating awhile and the woman says she wants to take you out for your birthday, etc. but a guy not wanting to pay for the 'regular' date .... you have to be kidding.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 60
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How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/20/2009 3:06:18 PM
I have had a few women call me up and ask me to take them riding because they wanted to be out and about and wanted to spend some time with me. Once out and riding, some of those women seem to expect me to pay for the drinks when we stopped to enjoy the patio bar, and to pay for dinner if we were not done yet with our ride and time together.

There has to be a happy medium here when dating and spending time together. It is not about being able to afford to pay, it is about being taken advantage of when there is no reason to do so.

It is very similar to when I offer to take someone to the airport which is about 40 miles from where I live, because they need a ride. Most people will offer to give you some money for gas, which most times I never accept. BUT if they ask me if I am available to take them time after time, and pick them up, and seldom if ever do it for me, I start to feel used, abused, and will not offer anymore.

It becomes much more the principle of it all and not the money, even though date after date that ends up costing you $50 to $100 or more, and you both make about the same amount of money, and the dates are for the most part mutual because the two of you are wanting to be with each other, can bother you. If I am dating that person often and have to do all the inviting, all the planning, and all the paying, that person is taking advantage of me, and I stop even trying.

If my dates do not show a willingness to be my equal, and date me as much as I date them, they end up wondering where I went and why.

cd..........
 andy1961
Joined: 6/15/2006
Msg: 63
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How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/20/2009 7:38:05 PM
I'm thinking because she invited me out that she would offer to pay....but no, she just stood there staring into space

jeeeezus... as far as i'm concerned this is already an "epic fail". how DARE she invite you out for coffee and then play dumb when the bill is due.


this is beyond tacky, beyond rude, beyond inconsiderate, and beyond dumb. put aside how hot she is or whatever the thing is that has kept you coming back for more, and give some thought to just how selfish and presumptuous that kind of behavior is. if you want to look at this as some kind of a test, she not only failed, she's crashed & burned. IMO. if you even think about continuing to date this person you are a big sucker who deserves to pay, and i have no further advice for you.


Agree with every word!

There is nothing to discuss with this extremely bad mannered woman (as a number of people on here have suggested), because it is something you shouldn't have to discuss - especially after FOUR dates!

Finish with her now - and I wouldn't even be particularly polite about it either.
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 65
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/21/2009 8:56:18 AM

Once a couple gets to know one another thats another story.


and this is where the gray area is. If your dating a women for lets say three months. Are you saying the man should pay every single time, while the women pays nothing?

Thats a pretty sweet deal if your the women.

I have NO problem paying for a women. It comes to a certain point though where one of two things will happen.

I either ask her for alternatives for dating. Staying in and cooking dinner, renting movies, all you can eat buffets...etc. OR..she can offer to pay some of the bill when going out.

This is only after realizing if you ARE in a relationship. If the women is going out with other men, and you keep on paying, along with other men, where does that leave you? Do you continue to pay for her? This is until SHE decides that she wants a relationship?

Yes, men should pay the first couple times, even three or four times. After that the men must decide if it is going anywhere, or is she is just a "friend"
 forumfishie
Joined: 9/17/2009
Msg: 69
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/21/2009 12:00:31 PM
Let's team up on this one!
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 70
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/22/2009 7:57:21 PM
Say to her: "I am not paying for another dinner. Either you pay or we just won't go."

That WILL solve your problem.
 *LadyLinda*
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 73
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/23/2009 3:33:54 AM
I personally think that this is an uncomfortable position for both parties. I have went out with guys who get offended and say so when I pay....making statements such as..."you know I make good money or "you one of those women libbers". I think it is a no win situation for women ...in general. If they pay they are seen in a different light ....and if they don't well...you know.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 74
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/23/2009 4:51:07 AM

I have went out with guys who get offended and say so when I pay.


So true...I was out on a date with this guy last spring (I believe it was our 3rd date). When the bill came I reached for my wallet and he said to me "Tracy, please don't insult me like that..."

OP (if your still around), if you really like this woman and want to see her again, how about inviting her over for a home cooked meal? It's much cheaper.
 Cape Sunshine
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 76
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/23/2009 6:15:14 AM
I have never come across this issue while I have been dating. No man has ever asked me to pay. (I have offered and they tell me NO) . Now when he come over my house I take up the expense for dinner and wine or whatever. Though sometimes even with takeout and it has been at my house he has paid for it. I would pull out my money and he would say I have it. I think it is the age group that I date or maybe they know they make money than me and its not an issue for them to pick up the tab. Donno....

I have noticed with the responses to this thread that it is the men that are under 40 that think a women should split the cost. The men over 40 think the man should pay most of the time.
 UnCensored*
Joined: 11/17/2009
Msg: 77
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/23/2009 6:18:06 AM
Umm...its going to be unpopular to say but...
you sound cheap.
Its a cup of coffee...
Men pay because they are supposed to be showing they can be good providers. If its a financial issue for you then come up with cheap/free dates. That will show her a bit about what life would be like with you. If you want to show her it will be fancy restaurants and the princess treatment then do that....but dont **** becuase your just having fun dating and dont care about showing anything about the future.
I find it interesting the amount of speculation about her motives here...when you dont seem to be trying to show her a life together...just dating...just wasting her time.

SDC has it right...this man clearly knows how to treat a woman and demonstrate that she would be well taken care of if she can bring the best of herself to a relationship.

Just my opinion but random dating should be approached as such (free dates that she isnt going to be impressed with and you watch to make sure its equal keep in mind what it really cost her to date you between make up, nails and hair appts, babysitting, and 3 hours getitng ready)
 Cape Sunshine
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 78
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/23/2009 6:48:51 AM
{{{now i ask you is this really the rant of a cheep person?...... or is it someone that feels used lashing out?}}}

This woman might be used to men paying for her. It is just coffee anyways. I think he is making a big deal out of this coffee shop thing. I think the best thing for him is to find a women that is more his type. Yes, I think he is kinda cheap...
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 79
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/23/2009 7:01:42 AM

He's making a big deal out of the fact that she appears to have some sense of entitlement over him


Then he should not continue to date her. Perhaps she's too "high maintenance" for him?
 Cape Sunshine
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 80
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/23/2009 7:02:01 AM
Teen wolf....... It is only 4 times. That isn't very long. Maybe, 2 weeks if that.

He just not really into her...
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