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 AUTHOR
 profileClosedProfile
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 116
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the datePage 4 of 28    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
It's fascinating how some self-declared independent, financially secure, no non-sense gals quickly develop amnesia when the bill comes up.
Mind you, I don't expect them to pay but an offer gesture will go a long way. I just despise the entitlement attitude regardless of what form it takes!
 spunkybum52
Joined: 9/8/2009
Msg: 117
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/27/2009 10:17:06 PM
Maybe next time she suggests you go out, ask her "is it your treat this time"? Something like that. Or just be upfront if she wants to go out and say it instead of ask it....say something like "ok, but it's your treat this time". See what she says. If she says no way, then she is expecting you to pay for everything all the time. If she says ok, then that might break the ice.

I have been on dates where the man will insist he pays everything, and most of those men are older men. They come from the old school. I have gone out with younger men, and I do offer to pay, and they accept. Some of the in between men 40ish men might say ok, next drink is on you...something like that. I think it depends on a man's principles. Some men just feel it's the right thing to pay, other's don't. However in this age & time, things have changed a lot from years ago, so the woman does put in her share as well.
 TheReason_
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 118
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How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/28/2009 6:43:22 AM
I don't mind paying for the first few dates. It's really great say if we are going to go to a movie and she offers to grab the snacks etc. I would not end up in a relationship where it was constantly up to me to pick up the tab. I think once things get worked into a relationship it should be 50 - 50. But right off the bat, ah hell be a gentleman and grab the cheque.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 120
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/28/2009 8:27:32 PM
Instead of tell her how about ask her? I've had situations where he was a little short and I paid half.
 durandal26
Joined: 3/16/2008
Msg: 121
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 11/28/2009 9:55:02 PM

The answer is sadly simple - there IS NO WAY to tell her that doesn't wind up with you being left without said date.


That's why you don't tell, say, or ask. You simply act.

For example, when you order coffee, you order yours and pay for it first, then allow her to order. Or the other way around, allow her to order her coffee and pay for it, then order yours. At a restaurant, just ask for separate checks. etc.

Make no mention of money, just simply act as though it's assumed both are paying for their own things.

She will have no choice but to follow through on that act. It is unlikely she will bring it up about you paying. If she does, just smile and say "Oh, should I be paying for the pleasure of your company?" That will 99% chance shut her up. In the event that she says "yes" and is serious, then simply walk out immediately and ignore her.

This will weed out women who are only interested in your wallet. If she is genuinely attracted to you, she will not mind paying her own share. If she walks out because of this, she never liked you to begin with and paying for her would be money spent on nothing.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 124
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 12/1/2009 11:33:04 AM
I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and guess that this has been resolved.

Palifornia began the topic on November 19th and has not returned. I don't think he's probably dating the same person anymore.
 GRP60
Joined: 1/24/2010
Msg: 125
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 2/3/2010 4:17:34 PM
But if she's hot and makes you feel all gushy inside, by all means, keep paying.

That certainly can factor into my calculation after 3 dates of paying- but I know her situation, that she is extremely strapped and keeping a marvellous commitment to her sons. She does express concern about prices, and 10 years as a single mother would be expected to sensitise her to the cost of meals and outings. Another key factor is that she has the car (a very nice KIA), and is an excellent chauffer!
 SBM4U2
Joined: 12/22/2009
Msg: 126
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 2/3/2010 9:38:33 PM
To me that tells me how things would go if it turned into a relationship. I don't date women who aren't willing to give as much as they get (even if they don't end up giving often it's nice to know that they are willing).

Everyone has a rule about how many dates they will go on before they stop because they haven't slept with the person. I don't have that. However, I will limit the number of dates I go on if I'm always coming out of pocket especially if she's not the type to do a stay at home type date.
 Want_You_2010
Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 127
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/6/2010 7:48:17 PM
I used to get annoyed and down about having to always pay for dates. Be it first dates or subsequent dates. But now I just assume I am paying and don't even bother talking about it. With the who asks pays bs, I know a woman is not about to jump up and ask me out on a date, so I have to do the asking, which in return I pay. I have been on about 8 dates with one woman and she has never paid. Another 5 times and samething.
As most women will agree, men should pay for them it is our duty and our job to make them feel good, and women hate cheap ass guys.
I think guys also assume if they are to splurge and pay $100 for a night out they are entitled to get something in return. But remember, she never said to spend that much on her. If I am paying, which I always am, I am picking the place we go to. If a woman does not like that then it is a no go. If she was paying I would let her decide where we go.
I would never say let's go dutch. That says "I am cheap"
There will never be a day a woman ever asks me on a date nor pays. If so, I would probably think she was just playing a joke on me.
 PregnantLady
Joined: 3/1/2010
Msg: 128
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/6/2010 8:08:23 PM
When my husband and I were dating we took turns paying for the date. Even now I take him out to dinner and pay for everything.
 Sweet_Sensations
Joined: 9/30/2005
Msg: 130
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How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/7/2010 12:18:51 PM
Skimming through the posts, (a few pages back) someone posted it seems to be an age thing... under 40 everyone splits and over 40 the man usually pays. I have to agree with the observation. I think under 40 people are still settling in and finding their way financially and it is hard. Over 40 hopefully your finances are on a path of security and can afford to pay.

I am a very independant girl and I prefer to pay for at least my portion because in my case I don't want the man coming back on me saying *I did this or paid for that for you*. I want to be with a man that wants to be with me, not needs to be. In many cases the man has paid more than his share, and in many I have paid more than my share. I don't tally the dollars. I have also had great dates where lots of $ was spent, as well as dates where none was spent. It's all what you make of it.

I do want to add, I do think there are some girls out there just wanting a guy to go out and pay for their party nights (as well as men - which I have experienced)... but it kinda does seem like there are some girls that give others a bad name and many guys get shafted.

*shrugs* sadly makes no sense, but does seem to be the way at times.

~SS~
 Want_You_2010
Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 131
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/7/2010 3:23:34 PM
Well I must agree with Sweet sensations. I have found by talking to younger people that women prefer to split things ion a date or dates. I think the reason why women over 35, 40 is too high, want guys to pay for things or nights out is because some have spent their hard earned money on raising their kids and so why wouldn't a woman want a guy to spend on her? She hasn't had that pleasure and deserves it. Others it may be a so-called "tradisional thing" which in my eyes is bs. Cherrypicking things that are "tradisional" to benefit yourself is not being "traditional". Women work and earn a paycheque and pay bills just like a guy. Never could understand why a man's money is supposed to be spent on women and not himself.
Also it is a different generation as well. In 10 years time we will see if the women in their 20's and 30's will still want to split the bill on a date.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 132
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/7/2010 7:26:48 PM
There will never be a day a woman ever asks me on a date nor pays.

You should issue your own personal ATM cards, so your dates won't even need you to tag along.

I pay for the first date and generally the second, but if a woman isn't trying to take me out after that, I would get the distinct feeling she just isn't into me.

 Want_You_2010
Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 134
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/7/2010 10:46:39 PM

You should issue your own personal ATM cards, so your dates won't even need you to tag along.

I pay for the first date and generally the second, but if a woman isn't trying to take me out after that, I would get the distinct feeling she just isn't into me.

Well I have never been asked on a date of any sort bya woman and I have never had a woman pay. So why would that change? No need to give an ATM card, I already know I am paying.


Whoever does the inviting should do the paying and if you invite her she shouldn't have to offer to pay. If you cant afford to take her out to dinner, invite her to go hiking, to watch a video, to hang out at a park, etc. If she asks you out to dinner, make it clear that it's not in your budget. She can offer to pay or you can find something else to do.

very few women will ask a man out for dinner etc. They know that a man will ask her anyhow. Why would she want to ask and have to pay? Isn't that supposed to be our job?
 _Icon_
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 135
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/7/2010 11:04:58 PM
I try to pay for everything.

If he lets me, I notice.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 136
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/8/2010 4:46:57 AM

Well I have never been asked on a date of any sort bya woman and I have never had a woman pay.

Yeah, you already said that. The question is why? You said you went on 8 dates with one woman and five with another and neither ever offered to pay for a date. In my not-so-humble opinion, by date 3, you should have expected both of those women to treat you like a guy they were interested in dating enough to start paying for dates or cut your losses by dropping them. With the money you saved, you could have been treated as an ATM (and probably better) by an escort.

So why would that change?

It won't unless you insist on it.

No need to give an ATM card, I already know I am paying.

The point is that by giving them an ATM card, they can go without you. If they aren't offering to pick up the tab occassionaly after the first couple of dates and showing some interest in dating you by asking you out, they really don't care if you tag along.
 Want_You_2010
Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 137
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/8/2010 6:51:59 AM
Not all women will pay for any dates. Some view it that the guy should be paying for the evening out. Some women will pay half from the first date, others may pay the tip or pay for a night out after so many dates.
In the end I don't believe that it should have anything to do with how many times I have paid or how much it has cost me. If I enjoyed the evening out with her and she did with me, I think that is all that matters. I used to get a bit upset that I paid for an evening out and 2 days later she tells me she isn't intrested in me other tthan a cool guy. But I realized it shouldn't be that way. It is taking chances and that is what dating is all about. What should matter is did you both enjoy the evening out, be it one time or five times.
I just look at it that it is already established and assumed I am paying. So I never bring up wondering if she is going to pay. If she brings it up, fine. If she offers to pay half or the whole bill, I would accept. But for me, that has never happened. So why would I expect it to? Only in my experiences women do not ask guys out on dates. And if I insist on it changing, then I don't know if I would get many dates.

As for an escort? Sorry i refuse to pay for sex. And again it is not guarenteed that my money would be spent worthwhile on an escort. I know it is worthwhile to spend it on a woman who I will enjoy an evening out with.
 PregnantLady
Joined: 3/1/2010
Msg: 139
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/8/2010 7:13:00 AM
I know some women may balk at this idea but when we were dating sometimes my husband and I went on dates that didn't cost anything or next top nothing.
Picnic and walk in the park, renting a movie from like a redbox type place and grabbing a burger and fries, some towns have free museums and things....etc

My opinion as a woman is if she balks at the idea of dates like this than she isn't really interested in getting to know you but more interested in knowing how much you will open your wallet.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 140
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/8/2010 9:12:23 AM
As for an escort? Sorry i refuse to pay for sex.

Why not? The fact that you had to pay for 8 dates with one woman and 5 dates with another woman without them ever offering to pay for a date or even expressing enough interest in you to ask you out means you're already paying for companionship. I'm not really sure why paying for sex wouldn't be more fun and more economical.

And again it is not guarenteed that my money would be spent worthwhile on an escort. I know it is worthwhile to spend it on a woman who I will enjoy an evening out with.

Nothing is guaranteed (except perhaps that you'll pay for anything but sex), but two escorts I know got together and took me out to a very pricey restaurant. They are just as much, if not more fun to hang out with than a typical date. I'd also say that was more worthwhile than always paying for dates who end up just thinking you're a ``cool guy.'' It's possible that the reason you end up in the ``cool guy'' pile is that you're too willing to throw money at them and let them think of you as a sure thing for paid entertainment. The point here is that you may be your own worst enemy by throwing money at women until they feel guilty taking it from you under false pretenses. A woman doesn't need 5 or 8 dates to decide if she likes you well enough to ask you out and/or buy you dinner. She knows before the first date ends (unless you really screw it up just before going home), so you ought to decide if you're going to end up in the ``cool guy'' pile based on whether she takes care of (or at least offers to take care of) the next date or at least by date numero 3.


very few women will ask a man out for dinner etc. They know that a man will ask her anyhow. Why would she want to ask and have to pay?

I'll go out on a limb here and guess that a woman might want to pay because she doesn't want to be thought of as having no manners.

Isn't that supposed to be our job?

Sure, if you're an escort, you should always expect to sit by the phone waiting for guys to pay for a date.


If I was aware that the man I was dating could not afford to, I would (and have) offer to pay when I can afford it.

Whether or not the guy can afford it is not the issue.


I don't think I would ever go on another date with someone who stuck me with a bill with no warning though.

Do what I do. Always take a lot more cash than could expect to need under the worst circumstances. You also might try putting yourself in a guy's place and explain why a guy shouldn't wonder the same thing.

 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 141
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/8/2010 10:37:31 AM
Why do people make gigantic mountains out of tiny insignificant ant hills? It is so simple.If you don't want to pay for the entire date then don't! Simply tell your date that this will be a dutch date because you don't believe in footing the entire bill for dating.If she walks off then oh well this was not the type of woman you wanted to date anyway right?
 krookie
Joined: 10/2/2007
Msg: 142
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/10/2010 8:06:27 AM

very few women will ask a man out for dinner etc. They know that a man will ask her anyhow. Why would she want to ask and have to pay?


No warning and sticking you with the bill is not cool. But, you do realize how mercenary you sound with this statement, don't you? This statement is where the "only after money" thinking comes from.
 Want_You_2010
Joined: 8/31/2009
Msg: 143
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/10/2010 2:15:48 PM

No warning and sticking you with the bill is not cool. But, you do realize how mercenary you sound with this statement, don't you? This statement is where the "only after money" thinking comes from


I don't think women are out for money. I believe that women are taught that men are still to ask them out on a date of some sort. And in doing so, they are also taught that men are to pay for dates. Now if you end up in a relationship then sure after maybe the 7th or 8th time going out then she may pay because of the situation, you are in a relationship. BUT when guys are first meeting a woman, or a first date the majority of women do expect the guy to still pay. So I say what is the big deal? Yes there are SOME women who will ask men out, approach men, will pay their share of a night out and not take no for answer in doing so. But that is still a rare thing and not common to most men's dating experiences.
I'm not being a jerk by saying that if a woman offered to take me out I would be shocked. Because at 41 I have never been asked out on a date by a woman. So my mindset is, I must do the approaching, the asking. And in turn the paying. To me it isn't such a big deal anyhow. You go to a movie and you can end up spending $50 easily. And you are not conversing etc. So if it costs me $30 more to go to a nice restaurant with a great atmosphere and good food, I think I'll spend the extra on doing that. At least I can get to know her better and we can enjoy one another's company and get a better feel of one another. So I may have spent about $1500 on about 15-16 dates in the past year being single. Only one of those dates was terrible, the others were money well spent. Beats sitting at home week in and week out doing nothing.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 144
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/10/2010 3:03:15 PM

very few women will ask a man out for dinner etc. They know that a man will ask her anyhow. Why would she want to ask and have to pay?

I'll go out on a limb here and guess that a woman might want to pay because she doesn't want to be thought of as having no manners.

absofreakinlutely.
If a woman suspects that this is an "old school" guy, she can STILL find a way -(and no, spreading her legs isn't one of them)-to take on some of the financial responsibility of dating without ruffling feathers too much...
It's a matter of sensitivity and fairness,as far as I'm concerned. If a man and a woman are pursuing the development of a relationship,then there should not be an attitude of letting the man do all the "heavy lifting" in terms of planning, expenses, logistics. If a woman thinks its' her "job" to constantly accept a man paying the whole shot of dating, she better be prepared to deal with men who still have an ownership/control mentality in relationships.
Cindy O
 krookie
Joined: 10/2/2007
Msg: 145
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/11/2010 1:50:42 PM
You missed the point completely. I wasn't talking about asking someone out and sticking that person with the bill. In fact, my first statement was that it's not cool...in any way, shape, form or gender. I was talking about this statement you made:


They know that a man will ask her anyhow. Why would she want to ask and have to pay?


"...and HAVE to pay?..." Very telling statement. Also, the OP's question is NOT about a first date, or even a second or third date for that matter. It's about the person he's going out with EVENTUALLY helping with paying.

I do believe the person who asks should be prepared to pay for everything. I also believe that the other person should offer to do something the NEXT time out.

And this antiquated notion of the man always paying for everything. PUHLEEASSEEE! Let's move out of the 50's. It's not about equal rights. It's not about expectations. It's about being considerate to the other person.

Also, I would be wary of both types of personalities: The "I have to pay because I'm the man" type and the "I expect you to pay because I'm the woman" type. Both are exerting a form of control that I would not want to associate with. ...which circles back to my original problem with your statement.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 146
How to tell a woman to start paying for part of the date
Posted: 6/11/2010 5:23:18 PM
It's about the person he's going out with EVENTUALLY helping with paying.


You have to let someone know from date one that you do not believe in footing the entire bill for your dates.If you start out paying for date one,two,three and so on then all of the sudden start saying that she has to now kick in,you have misrepresented yourself.That is being deceitful.The woman dating you believes that you are the type of guy who believes in paying for the entire date because you have led her to believe that.

So honesty about what you really believe from date one is a must,and don't be deceitful!If when you tell her that she has to pay her share,she says "see ya", then good riddance! You have just eliminated from your dating pool a woman who you would not be interested in.


I do believe the person who asks should be prepared to pay for everything. I also believe that the other person should offer to do something the NEXT time out.


Just because you believe it does not make it universally agreed upon.This is why honesty from the start is so important.We can't just assume that everyone shares our beliefs and values.


And this antiquated notion of the man always paying for everything. PUHLEEASSEEE! Let's move out of the 50's.


I agree with you.
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