Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
"Only reason it wont work is love of money"

All joking aside, reality is reality. Things cost money. Children need to be eduated. Aged parents need care. If all that crashes and burns, love of money isn't an issue. Money to pay for needed education, and need to pay for aged parent care/meds is.
All this chat about romance and ego doesn't work. Reality levels the playing field.

"Needless to say, there was serious conflict," Which is only to be expected when brains are lead by romance and ego.
 afixerupper
Joined: 8/20/2009
Msg: 19
view profile
History
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 11/21/2009 7:14:42 PM
LOL "I would like to be the LI person" LMAO. Okay, just for giggles, do the problem over. This time, you are the HI person. How would you cope with someone much less well off financially than you, with kids that need to go to college, aging parents losing their independence, and some looming health problems peeking over the horizon, say... plain ol diabetes or something, and about to be phased out of his job of twenty something years that had cadillac insurance. Would you give a guy like that a chance, or just bail becuase of the $$ situation... anyone, anyone, Bueller? Anyone female?
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 11/22/2009 6:13:13 AM
It is been my experience that in a relationship where the woman makes more, has more in general financially, and is more educated, that men are not comfortable with that situation. Like Zen Beth said, this is a good example of why dating someone with a similiar lifestyle is a good idea.

I have helped both of my girls through college and I would expect anyone I dated to pay their child's way. I like how Woobytuesday put it, they need to "pull their own wagon."
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 24
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 11/22/2009 8:42:46 AM
I think if two people are mentally healthy and in love they will work it out, two people who arent wont. If in two years you don't know what you want from the other person it is time to move on anyway.

Kids can be issues to any situation but setting things up based on who your parent and how much do they make could never be right. We are people not finance sheets. Our value should never be based on earning power.

As an example, a friend of mine was hurt and got large settlement, he was married for 9 years but hated his stepson with a passion. He had his own son and saw him regularity but the stepson lived with them. His son went to college but when it was time for the stepson he refused to allow any of his money to go toward this child's education. His wife took 25k and left him. Her son got the education that was the same as what his son got...to this day he doesnt see what he did as wrong...he felt his money shouldnt have been used to put someone he hated thru school...He felt the kid would flunk out. The stepson graduated with honors last spring. The marriage was completely destroyed. The home hasnt sold and she is still living in it but the judge in the divorce sided with the wife based on the fact that it didnt matter who's money it was in the marriage all the kids were equal.

It is hard with college age kids to juggle being a parent to someone who is basically an adult, but as a parent if you child is to be put in a "better" environment but made to feel as a lesser person...why would you want to do that?

BTW ...two people living on 50k should have a higher standard of living than the one who has 3 kids and supporting an older parent...do the math.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 11/22/2009 9:05:21 AM
Finances most assuredly do play a role in whether or not a blended family can make it. Saffireeye's friend was an azz to treat his stepson like he did. If you are married, then you treat your kids equally. It is wrong not to do that. It is very wrong to treat one child as a lesser being than you do the others. But it illustrates the point wonderfully so that it should have been an issue that was decided on early on and maybe their marriage would have survived.

I do not make a huge sum, so many men are going to make more than me. However, I am the only one responsible for my children's education. Point being, I would not go into a relationship in which he made more money than me and just because he did, expect him to pay for things for my kids. If he wanted to, then that would be one thing, but the expectation would be from my end that those bills were mine alone, as they are now.

At 51, I have no desire to be in financial peril all of the time after having lived as responsibly as I could these years that I have been single. Some seem to think that is selfish, but it is not. We alone our responsible for our own well-being and that means making thoughtful decisions. I was raised very poor and it was the richest upbringing. Money does not buy happiness, but it surely can create a great deal of unhappiness if there is discord over how it is to be spent within the family.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 27
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 11/22/2009 11:46:01 AM
Thinking that message #28 was seeing that 90K + 50K = 140K ~~ so depending on what the two wish to, and/or are able to do with that. . . .

 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 28
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 11/22/2009 12:12:32 PM
Sorry for the confusion, you said in the op that the 90k person had one child in college and 2 teenagers (13 and 16). Then you said


If you were the higher income earner in this scenario, would you tell your aging parent and university student, neither of who lives with you, that you had to reduce the support for them in order to 'bring-up' the standard of the lower income family?


So the 90k person has 3 kids and a parent which would mean 5 different people living on the 90k and the only person mention with the 50k person was the one child in college on a scholarship which is 2 people living on 50K.

Plus as Woody adds, 140k is now available and the cost of renting one home is gone, even if there is a mortgage you can rent the home for more than the mortgage amount which means there is still going to be more money.

Just cause someone lives in a nicer neighborhood, has better toys for their kids, and as you put it proportionately better cars does not mean the person is better off financially..they just appear to be. What is the debt ratio for the 90k person? A better home is a higher mortgage, porportionately better cars are higher payments and I am not going into the way it was implied that the scholarship student should take the bus back to his old neighborhood school while the teenagers drive porportionately better cars to their high school.

See from the beginning I didnt think this was a valid concern, cause two people who love each other love each other and will work it out if they are both mentally healthy and are holding true to the love in their heart. If one of the persons has concerns then they arent ready for THIS relationship and should free the other person to go find someone who isnt going to see Hearts and Dollar Signs together.

The whole thing is presented in an unfair way with titled emphasize on the fact that the person with more is expected to GIVE up something to have someone he loves in his life or that the family with less should expect a lower standard of living than the rest of the family cause well they arent really family.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 29
view profile
History
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 11/22/2009 2:22:14 PM
picking up that challenge LOL!:



do the problem over. This time, you are the HI person. How would you cope with someone much less well off financially than you, with kids that need to go to college, aging parents losing their independence, and some looming health problems peeking over the horizon, say... plain ol diabetes or something, and about to be phased out of his job of twenty something years that had cadillac insurance. Would you give a guy like that a chance, or just bail becuase of the $$ situation... anyone, anyone, Bueller? Anyone female?
Yeah, I'd give him the chance to tell his over 18 yr old son with the scholarship, who's living at home to save money, but doesn't want to move into MY home and share space with MY MINOR children (ages 13 and 16) to "hit the road Jack, and dontchu come back no mo, no mo, no mo..." Then I'd give him the chance to let me know that since my parents had worked their asses off to provide for MY education, so that I could, in turn provide a good life for my children (including their educations) that he realized and agreed that my FIRST duty and obligation was to MY own parents. I would give him the chance to be fair and to prove to me that he didn't marry me for the "material possessions" that he thought I should provide for HIS bratty child and his parents. I would give him every opportunity to prove that his love was for ME....not my income. I would then give him the chance to prove that he could be a loving stepfather to my minor children, and to respect MY obligation and responsibility is to the children that I gave birth to, BEFORE, above and beyond any charitable feelings that I might develop toward his ADULT children.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 33
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 11/23/2009 12:48:23 PM

so how do you square those 2 things?

Each person stays in their own house, minds their own concerns and simply has a NONcohabiting relationship. each living on their own damn dime.
cindy O
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 35
view profile
History
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 11/23/2009 1:40:00 PM
If the people involved want to enjoy each other and their families, why not just keep their own homes. Much more chance of the relationship working long term than way.

I don't know what the percentage of blended families actually work for the long term, but many can't take the strain of this situation. Then both the two people involved, and all their children suffer.

Lots of people don't want to live full time with another person, but would be happy long term if each kept their own homes.

Why does this suggestion make some people get so upset?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 36
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 11/23/2009 1:42:39 PM
Wow...was NOT LIVING TOGETHER such a difficult concept for people to grasp?

I'm not saying that thse people shoud break up, should not be together...just that NOT cohabiting could be a real good way to head off any worries about someone having to have a lower living standard or a scholarship student having to deal with distractions that might compromise their ability to keep the scholarship.

Otherwise, if cohabitation is a must, then I think the 2 people need to work the situation out amongst themselves...there's no "rule" or magic formula to prevent conflicts, compromises, possible resentments from other family members,etc.

In addition, the couple feel that keeping the man's house provides some safety in case their relationship doesn't work out

I'm inclined to agree, if the couple is WILLING to rent out one of their residences, that would certainly be a good( not PERFECT, but good) idea, and it can also serve as a safety net should cohabitation NOT prove to be a bed of roses, which could actually mean the difference between just going back to nocohabiting relationship, and having the stresses and issues cause a complete breakdown of the relationship.
Cindy O
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 37
Part 2
Posted: 11/23/2009 2:49:10 PM
So at this stage, what kind of living-together agreements, wills, etc. should they have in place and what should be in them to protect everyone in the blended family.

Tell trooth, OPie, at the point they actually begin to live together in Canada, a whole set of laws that *don't* affect us 'Murricans are going to take over. Both need to see a lawyer about what the *fact* of their moving in together will do. . . . Common Law laws seem to have a lotta teeth, there. One thing I would want (based on personal experience *here*) is a medical power of attorney, for both partners for each other, and possibly for the other dependents (and depending on who else -- perhaps the other parent -- also has a say). I promise you it's sheer hell to be locked out of even receiving information when the one you love is unconscious in ICU. . .

Seems like they should consider just biting the bullet and getting married, lol!

 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 38
view profile
History
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 11/23/2009 3:46:35 PM
There comes a time and a place when it's a necessity to lay the financial cards on the table. That time isn't the first few months of marriage, nor is it when a couple moves in together. It's when a couple says "hey, things are getting serious". Laying the cards on the table involves: discussion of today's finances; credit reports; tax returns; and future financial goals. It also includes any obligations for kids or elderly parents.

That aside, I'd say try to maintain 2 homes if finances allow it to. The least expensive home can be rented out to the kiddos for a nominal rental amount. Each parent should be responsible for THEIR OWN children. If the lower income parent can't afford to pay 100% of college, so be it. Kids can work their way thru college; get loans; or work hard at their GPA's to get scholarships. Most importantly for the parents - FUND YOUR RETIREMENT FIRST, BEFORE PAYING FOR KIDDIE'S COLLEGE!
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 44
view profile
History
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 11/24/2009 8:54:46 AM
Unless you marry, your children are solely your responsibility. Where they go to school, where they live, what they get for Christmas, how they pay for college is for you to take care of.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 45
view profile
History
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 11/24/2009 10:25:55 AM
Anyone I was planning to build a life with (piece of paper declaring it official or not) would be someone who wouldn't nitpick like that.

Money is NOTHING...it doesn't bring you happiness...it doesn't hold you in the night during a bad dream...it doesn't rejoice in your triumphs, nor does it mean anything in your darkest hours...it doesn't comfort you on your deathbed.

I don't care about money - it all gets blended together, when two people do. If someone doesn't love you enough to care as deeply as you do for your own commitments...then they don't really love you at all.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 11/24/2009 9:01:43 PM
Those of us who are practical are not materialistic because we are. People all come to this phase of life with very different experiences. It is not practical not to care, it is just is not. Each of us have to do what works for us and no, money is not everything and very few are going to find someone who makes even close to what they do, be it on the down side or the upside of the scale. However, it is an aspect of sharing a life with someone and a compatibility issue if your philosophies about finances do not match.

I am very willing to share what I have, but not at the expense of not being able to provide for my own kids. Our blessings are not given to us to be selfish with, but unless someone is unable to work, they need to be contributing unless otherwise agreed upon.
 Brownlady1953
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 49
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 12/3/2009 12:18:44 PM
No, indeed, I would not put someone else before my own flesh and blood....especially a parent (who reared me), or a child (whom I gave birth to!)
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 52
view profile
History
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 12/4/2009 5:16:46 AM
I'm willing to be kept as a boy toy by a rich, beautiful woman. Just message me with your bank statement and a picture of you in a bikini on the porch of your beach house that shows the view of the ocean across the bow of your sailing sloop. If you can fit in a pitcher of margaritas as well somehow, that would be an added inducement.

I am irresponsible and have a commitment phobia, but I have joined a 12 step program to tackle both issues. I am also cheap to keep. All I need is a new Porche every second year and a pair of running shoes every six months so that I can keep my gorgeous body in top shape for your pleasure and enjoyment. I am also quite well educated, so we can have heavy intellectual conversations about world events if you feel it necessary, or perhaps just to impress you friends on occasion.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 54
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 12/4/2009 9:59:31 AM

Hmmm...sounds too complicated for me


I think that is the key, most people want fast food type romance...drive up ...order it and get it your way....unfortunately we live in the real world which means that any thing that is worthwhile will take EFFORT, compromise, communication and best of all DESIRE to make it work.

When people think that the next key person in their live is as easy as clicking NEXT you wont find most relationships working out...then there are those who settle just to have someone....

Throw in money and you will quickly find out how much someone loves you!

Meet this kid the other night, his grandfather just died and left him 3 million....he is a nice enough guy...but at one point he looked at me and said...all the girl just want me now for my money....it is so sad how money corrupts things.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 59
view profile
History
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 12/4/2009 3:45:24 PM
I do think that blended families can work, but it takes much, much effort and the marriage would have to be a very strong one to make the new family flourish.

I was not willing to risk putting my girls through all of that. Now that they are grown and my life is much more my own, I would be open to marriage again.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 60
view profile
History
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 12/4/2009 7:47:34 PM
I agree, Phoebe. Older kids may not be willing to adapt and trying to coerce them into only causes strife when you are aiming for harmony.

I am glad that your situation worked out well!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 64
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 12/5/2009 12:44:30 PM

What I was getting at, is that over 45 people have commitments to others before they meet someone, so how do you square those 2 things?
If you were the higher income earner in this scenario, would you tell your aging parent and university student, neither of who lives with you, that you had to reduce the support for them in order to 'bring-up' the standard of the lower income family?

If I were the lower income half of the couple, I would REFUSE to allow my higher income partner to short his parent or his kid in order to improve MY living standard. He could damn well adjust DOWN or take a hike. I won't be part of depriving someone's parent or child of what they've become accustomed to. It's nothing but a prelude to toxic levels of resentment.
Cindy O
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 65
view profile
History
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 12/5/2009 3:16:53 PM
first of all, i wouldn't worry about the richer partner sending their child to a more exclusive college. i went to a city college, fully matriculated and lived home to age 21. i finally moved out and worked a bit, then paid for my own grad school at a more prestigious place. i was the second highest salaried position in my state--when i accepted salary. most of my life i had my own consultancy. same can be said for many successful people. i hired some of my prestigious professors later on and i was way too
"ADD" to get more than average grades. but, i was smart enough to run a very large business. good schools will give opportunity, but not assure making it. a smart person with a good personality and some saavy will be the one who gets to the top where the power lies.

as to the child living out of home, that depends on whether he really wants to live alone or is being pushed into a second class citizen status. my kids have scholarships from being adopted at an older age, excepting the younger one. she was told to live home and we'd put her through college. she declined and is now learning the hard way. she got a school loan, works and is wasting good money, in my opinion, but that is part of learning. she came back once, but out she went again, w/o poor financial judgement (in my opinion). i paid a fortune to put her through private high school to catch up and i have no guilt. i've helped her here and there along the way. but now, i am very conservative as she has wasted way too much and needs to reach a bottom.

at this point, if she wanted to move back, she could-- but by my rules --as she is almost 20. if i had a live in partner or planned to marry, that would have to be respected. assuming the space, she would be able to come home as that is how i was raised. but...i was also raised to "adhere to the rules"! if my partner had kids, the same would apply. if not enough room for all of them, i think i'd reconfigure the larger rooms into smaller ones or go mutually for a property with a second cottage, so if the kids left home, i would not be stuck with something i could not afford and instead could rent it out. the ownership could be put into a partnership with a legal arrangement that over time, could phase into a 50-50 as the relationship proves solid.

every country and here every state, has different "rules". i read somewheres on the forum that people are not "living together" because in some areas of canada, the move in mate becomes responsible for the other's birth children. if this affects "after 18", i am not sure. so, after a mutual review of all laws, taking into consideration an evolving "length" of this later in life relationship, looking at who each person wants to be responsible for medical decisions and after death allocations, i would simply go for the win-win and what i called what is "equitable". here, if you own property, you need trusts as well as wills and that could be set up proportionately, taking into account not only both partners contributions, but also what each child can expect to inherit from prior birth parents. the easiest way is to also set up life insurance policies that are equal for each child and leave the assets to the spouse--assuming they get that far.

if both own their homes and the "richer one" has two kids at home, am i to assume they are younger than the child who wants to move out? can part of that house be converted to a private space for him--eg: garage, basement or attic? as to the renting out of the lesser income home, i would rent it to someone more mature and certainly not leave it to the possiblity of a group of college kids wrecking it, adding more friction to this new "move" by leaving possible blame on the "abandoned" child--even if not originally abandoned.

if the scholarship does not include housing, or puts the kid too "tightly" on a budget while the parent lives it up, i'd simply figure a way to apply part of that rent from the lower asset home to go towards this kid's housing elsewhere. when i went to grad school and even here in this college and university town, there are many rentals where kids can share or even rent a studio or cottage from a superivsing adult. however, without being sure this relationship will survive, i certainly would not put my house in jeopardy, as many of the student housing is not in such spiffy shape.

if however, this child is the same age as the ones who get to stay at home, and if he feels left out, then that is a very big issue. furthermore, if he visits the "richer' home and is made to feel an outsider by the other kids, then that is an issue. if, however, he is older, maybe both parents can "swing" some activities where he gets to take the younger two out a bit and they bond with him as "big brother" and it makes him important.

as to one being richer, here the taxes may level that out if they marry. often the richer you are, the more taxes. i have often been the one with the larger "income", but the men in my life (except one) saved me a fortune on fixing the homes we owned. this has also happened with men i date. they may refuse to accept payment for a small project that would cost me several hundred dollars, so i therefore flip for a fancy nite out. it was not kept track of, but over time, both parties were fine with it. if that were not the case and the richer one wanted to go too many expensive places or on vacation too much, that would have to be discuessed in great depth beforehand so that the one with less money does not feel obliged and the richer one does not make it a habit to go off and leave the one who cannot afford it--unless a rare situation that both agree to as being a good thing.

if they don't marry but buy a new place together, one can pay more but take more of the tax deduction. that depends on the area. a finanacial analyisis could easily figure this whole thing out, with two clear heads. the real issue is the how the kids rate in all this. you don't want any feeling abandoned, but you also don't want them to "bleed" the situation. again,it depends on their ages and maybe i missed seeing that.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 67
view profile
History
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 12/5/2009 7:00:18 PM
aha, since he is the oldest "boy" that could be an opportunity for him to take the younger ones on, show them things, mentor, etc. when you adopt, they always say to adopt younger so the older kid can feel important. if he is given an "equitable" arrangement at his age, such as help with college housing, then he can take the boys out and have some time showing off. however, if he truly prefers to live with them, he will need to be given his own "adult" space. i am of the school that you do your best to get your kids through college, unless they rebel or crave proving they can do it on their own (like mine is doing now). of course, many have different beliefs on this matter-- given how they were raised and educational opportunity in their geographic areas.

the younger kids must not know that the parent is giving him the money to take them out and it doesn't have to be expensive, just fun! it must allow him to be the big brother and role model, to balance out their upper hand in remaining in their own home.

i've had many rich friends and there are grateful when they meet people who aren't in it for the money to be their friends. i guess it will depend on whether he sees "their need" for a big brother. at their ages, the usually cry out for attention from the older boys. i even hired a kid to mentor my son when he was between 13 and 16.

also, from my point of view, their income discrepancies are not that disparate! they have each chosen to raise their kids the way they have. that must be honored and if they truly love each other and want to live together, i respect the "research". i see it as a way to make sure that things work, not as a measure of distrust or lack of love.

well, just an idea......some of the issues that are addressed in adoption classes can also be applied to blended families.
 Yankee again
Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 69
Finances and expenses - responsibility and commitment
Posted: 1/21/2010 5:43:46 PM
Keep your own space. Why uproot your child? When you child is out on their own you can commit to others, Your child is your commitment.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  >