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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What h      Home login  
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 ZenBeth
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 26
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?Page 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Some people simply don't need affection like others do. It could be because of asperger issues, which many many highly intelligent, successful men/women have, or because one has grown up knowing they were loved and appreciates sans the slobbering kisses and hugs. Then they become adults and know they are appreciated and respected by how people treat them and to them that is akin to affection, yet no kissing, hugging and overuse of nice words are used. Or even wanted.

And as they age these traits are simply more obvious because the people who express concern are themselves needy in some way, because getting older they feel less appreciated, needed or desirable. Am a big believer in the idea that I am loved by how I am treated not by some words someone says to me. m trying to remember the book I read where this topic was discussed and how the researchers found that those women who didn't do the gushy, clingy stuff but knew they were appreciated and needed, had more sex and felt secure enough that instead of playing games, hinting at the desire for sex, they simply spoke up and said things like 'I'm horny', 'Lets have sex'.

My late husband and I probably said 'I love you' a few times per year. But we knew we loved each other because we had such great fun every day, laughed every day, shared interests and were interested in each others works. Something Herman Obermayer's new books on his late friend Chief Justice William Rehnquist speaks to.

~Beth~
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 27
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 3:28:11 PM

Sex to me is incidental to affection. It is something I savour. It is the expression of love. The very thought of being with a partner that is not affectionate is abhorrent. If I am with someone, I am hers, she is mine and the day is an exchange of little favours, the warmth of a smile, the gentle touch of the hand, the pressure of her body against mine as we sit and read or watch TV, the feeling of warmth radiating from her body as we stand next to each other, holding hands while driving through the night, or the fleeting touch as we separate for the days duties.

What is life devoid of all that? What is sex without affection?

Does not your body cry out for it? Mine does......


Rear did you really write this? Good gravy you could adapt a female pen name and write some of the best romance novels of our time.. A far cry from your menage a tois?

thecatsmeoww
 southaustingal
Joined: 11/2/2008
Msg: 28
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Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 3:44:10 PM
Give me chemistry, touch, sparking, great kissing and affection any day and I don't want someone who won't or can't return it. And, by the way, I still want hot, throw down sex with the right man.
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 29
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Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 3:46:01 PM
cat - msg 4

I was just locked in a long embrace with a man that I truly adore.. I did not see him coming since he approached me from behind. It was such a wonderful embrace and so I turned to see who it was

Sometimes, I may also approach woman from behind, but when I get really affectionate, I prefer a different angle.
 Rusty474
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 30
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 4:05:46 PM
I can't imagine a relationship without touch, affection, hugs, holding hands, gazes across the room, passion, sex, and the taste and smell of my partner. The spooning before falling asleep, the simple touch of toes or fingers in the night. I think most of use truly need touch, crave touch. I hug my friends and that feels good, I'm a touchy feely person but a life with someone devoid of touch would be hell. Children need touch to thrive, seniors need touch as well - have you ever just sat and held your grandmother's hand, they need the touch of a fellow human being and better if it's from someone they love. I think if someone is "cold" at our age, they were "cold" when they were younger. I will always want the passion, the heat, the love of a man in my life, whether I'm in my 50's or 80's. Skin to skin - can't beat it.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 31
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Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 4:20:31 PM
"one has grown up knowing they were loved and appreciates sans the slobbering kisses and hugs. Then they become adults and know they are appreciated and respected by how people treat them and to them that is akin to affection, yet no kissing, hugging and overuse of nice words are used. Or even wanted. "

If you love yourself, and self esteem is in place overuse of nice words, hugging etc. isn't needed. Giving and receiving affection in my opinion only happens with very special people in our lives. If affection is squandered on everyone we meet, it is meaningless.

However, I couldn't see any point to being in a relationship with a mate that didn't include affection.
 ZenBeth
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 32
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 4:24:07 PM
The statement that all people need touch is simply lacking in any scientific fact. High functioning asperger men/women who are a huge part of the working force here in (CA) Silicon Valley, science and engineering field often dislike touch. Although they make great spouses and lovers. And most autistic children dislike touch.

~Beth~
 pitbull pete
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 33
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 4:26:10 PM
OP
I believe what you are looking for comes from deep within the heart of the other person. In other words when they look at you or are with you this affection you are seeking just pours out of them naturally. I also believe this is human nature and we are all that way. If this guy is not giving you that then for some reason he is holding it back and this is not a good sign.

I know a whole lot more about accounting and law than this sort of thing but I do know what I just said is right on the money.
 blueyesrsmiling
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 34
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 4:36:11 PM
Affection is different at different times. A friend of mine is a nurse. She gives older people massages and rubs their feet. She hugs them they crave human affection and those that receive it heal faster. I have a friend that is going through breast cancer I hug her everytime I see her. She means a lot to me and I want her to know it.
My little dog that I loved so much would lay beside me and beg for me to rub him. He would jump into my arms for a rub.
Even through I am talking about male and female affection I can find it by smiling at others on a daily basis. Affection can take many different forms. Intimacy is something special reserved for those I care about . I don't crave that affection from everyone. But on a daily basis I give and receive affection. I still want the other. I still believe in things stronger than me that I have no control over. But it has to be with someone that will give and receive back....I see it as fear.....fear driven to keep everyone out.....and that is lonely. I understand others are reserved but last night taught me fear keeps those away from me...I plan on being more affectionate and not hesitate to show those I love.......maybe not in a sexual way.....
 tekky_girl
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 35
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Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 4:48:45 PM
My family wasn't especially openly affectionate until I was 10 yo. Then, my aunt died at 30yo. Suddenly my whole extended family realized that life is short. We now kiss and hug and say I love you for at least half an hour before leaving a family gathering. So for the next decade, I grew up with a very affectionate family. Then, I met my ex husband. He was rarely affectionate unless he wanted sex.

Fast forward several years and I had squashed that really affectionate part of myself toward adults. Affection towards my children has never waned.

Anyway, I didn't realize how much I had closed myself off until the job I'm in now. I was so surprised when some of the women I worked with would hug me " just because". It reawakened my closet hugger! It was really nice and I've worked with these people long enough that I am even comfortable initiating the hug.

One of the things I really like about current bf is that he seems to like the same level of affection as I do. I hadn't dated for a really long time before we met and I think it's doing wonders for my endorphins! I don't need constant contact, but it's really nice not to be rejected when I throw out my hand to be held.

I think affection overrides sex. There may come a point when we're willing but unable.
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 36
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Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 4:53:12 PM
I grew up in a family that was not demonstrably affectionate. It took me a very long time to realize just how much I missed whilst growing up and as a young adult. Recently, all of the hugs and hand squeezes were very instrumental in how quickly I got back on my feet after my recent illness. For me, affection and touch have been very therapeutic and healing.
 ZenBeth
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 37
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 4:58:22 PM
Blueyesrsmiling makes some excellent points in message #37. One reason I have a cat is because she is independent and doesn't need the attention a dog needs. And I like getting and giving a massage to the person in my life, but its not the needy type affection, but is more for relaxation. And I like smiling at people, and receiving smiles. But I don't like people I do not know touching me. In fact in orthodox Jewish communities, a woman would never touch a man who wasn't a family member.

When living in places like Japan, Greece, Israel finding PDA's is the exception not the norm. One reason I like Sweden so much is they don't have the need to affection like one sees here in the states. Yet Swedes are known as very sensual, sexual people.

Is it just me, or did this thread evolve from being about needing affection and sex in a relationship to everyone needing affection?

~Beth~
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 38
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 5:10:43 PM
Perhaps that needs to be changed to *all normal human beings* need touch. Primates most certainly do, and there is a fairly sturdy block of work showing so. Baby monkeys will choose affection over food. Infants in Romanian orphanages died because of lack of touch. Aspergers is part of the autism spectrum, and I doubt that anyone wants to claim that as a model for normal. Certainly none of my friends who have autistic or Aspergers kids do.

Beyond that, I'm certain, as with everything else that is human, there is likely a broad range of need to give and need to receive touch, affection. I think it's good and well that we seek mates that match us, and who won't be using words like "needy" to describe a desire for touch and affection that simply exceeds theirs. . . .

 aaamm
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 39
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 5:16:00 PM
I fully admit I didn't snuggle with my ex-husband, but with my fiance, I love touching him and being touched. I can't tell you why it is. I don't think that snuggling or touching is something that can be generalized. I don't think you know how you are going to react to someone until you are with them.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 40
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Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 5:26:27 PM
"OH MY GOODNESS............(scratchin' my head) What has self-esteem got to do with showing and receiving affection? Showing and receiving affection has NOTHING to do with my self-esteem."

People who don't love themselves spend a life time trying to prove they are loveable. They get themselves into a world of hurt doing so.

"Well, in my opinion, affection is not something you measure or is only given to someone or "people" who are deemed appropriate, to receive it. Maybe if people started "squandering" a little more affection, a lot of senseless acts against humanity would lessen.I've never placed myself above anyone to the point where I couldn't or wouldn't offer a arm around their shoulder or a full bear hug. It might be just what that "stranger" needs, that day.
I guess, different stokes for different folks. "

Different stokes for differnt folks for sure.

"I've never placed myself above anyone to the point where I couldn't or wouldn't offer a arm around their shoulder or a full bear hug."

I sure don't want to give or receive affection from people I don't know or people I don't want to know. My friends and I always hug/kiss when we meet, but we sure don't kiss anyone/everyone we come in contact with. I can't see the need for myself or for people I don't know.

Of course, I will help a stranger, but the help doesn't included hugs and kisses.
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 7/27/2009
Msg: 41
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 5:34:13 PM
It does depend on the person, I think. Some people are naturally "touchy-feely" and others aren't. It doesn't mean they love you less.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 42
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Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 5:53:07 PM
"Maybe if people started "squandering" a little more affection, a lot of senseless acts against humanity would lessen."

I agree. I just had a celebratory lunch with a group of friends. We all showed affection with each other... including hugs all around as we departed after enjoying smiles and laughes and good food and ... a good time with lots of affection for all.

We trust each other. We trust each other to care and we trust that if something one of us says hurts then we likely took it the wrong way cause we know that none of us would intentionally hurt any one of us ... or the person made a mistake... and we know we've made our share of those.

Because we have earned our trusts we can risk affection and know we won't be rejected. So, that is one way people can feel free to be affectionate... or not. However, I'm willing to bet there are lots of reasons ... more each and every year of life ... why people stop risking being affectionate and claim not to need it.
 Ahappygal
Joined: 10/29/2009
Msg: 43
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 7:07:47 PM

I have met men and women that no longer desire affection nor do they give affection. Sex is a different story but the affection that we showed whenever we were younger is gone. What happened to it?

Nothing happened to them! Many people have dated around with hundreds in their lifetime and get used. Did they really desire to be passionate about love? Nope and never!
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 44
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 7:26:12 PM
I see a big difference in my two kids, from the time my younger child was born ...someone was holding her..nonstop...every day when we got to the daycare she was the one who was always in someone's arms....and this continued thru most of her school years ...she was teacher's pet, she was the youngest in her class, she was left handed...I heard all the excuses for why they singled her out to make her feel special, but before she would leave she would hug her teacher every day, but the fact remains..she is just dang huggy...

When my second husband's grandmother died and we went to the funeral, at one point she plopped down in the grandfathers lap and kissed him on the cheek and said...I've never had a grandfather before...I think Im going to like this! The smile on his face was priceless.

My older child is very standoffish...it is hard for them to hug me, I can see the desire in their eyes but they feel awkward about it.

I really think that some people are wired differently and some are just that way...my youngest at 19 will still come crawl in bed with me just to snuggle up and talk..she has to have physical contact and most of her friends are the same way and are always hugging me when they see me.

So taking how you grow up, how you are wired and then add years of bad relationships and you can understand why to some affection is more important than to others...some just need to have someone hug them daily to get them use to being hugged. Some would resent every moment of it...ya got to find the type that makes you happy.

Spanish culture is more touchy feely to...so add in culture differences
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 45
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Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 7:50:27 PM
I guess I'm kind of operating in reverse. I used to have a wide personal space but as I got older and more comfortable in my own skin I became freer with affection and touching. Can't imagine life without it.
 dave91741
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 46
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 7:52:42 PM
Reading this sure tells affectionate people who would be appealing ....Maybe we should rate our affection in our profile from 1-10 . I can only speak for me but I start off showing affection slowly and it grows . If asked I would say I am very affectionate .


<div class="quote">I've never related to the men that don't know how to do that, or aren't as in touch w their emotions to do that.

Same for me about women ...^^^^ I find less and less affectionate people the older I get .But I only want one (affectionate Lady) .
 Free-At-Last
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 47
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 8:16:36 PM
In my opinion, I find people who lack the desire for affection/touching/bonding to be "emotionally crippled" Most likely if you were to dig deep enough into their psyche..there would be an unfortunate, yet reasonable explanation behind it.
Having "sex" is easy...however, letting down ones guard to be truly "intimate" with another human being (not only a physical level, but also emotionally) is not an easy task for some.

And what part does sex and affection play into for you.

For me, I can't have one without the other.
 wacowboy3
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 48
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 8:52:39 PM
Can't imagine it op. I crave affection. Being alone and single at 61 sucks big time. Months go by without so much as a hug. When I am in a relationship , I love to hold hands, cuddle, kiss. A pat on your butt as I pass through the kitchen. Damn I miss that. Now mind you I am not on a pity thread, I survive without out it, but I sure do miss it. Maybe growing up in Kansas made me this way lol I do think people are more affectionate or maybe just friendlier in the midwest .
 wacowboy3
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 49
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 8:54:42 PM
Can't imagine it op. I crave affection. Being alone and single at 61 sucks big time. Months go by without so much as a hug. When I am in a relationship , I love to hold hands, cuddle, kiss. A pat on your butt as I pass through the kitchen. Damn I miss that. Now mind you I am not on a pity thread, I survive without out it, but I sure do miss it. Maybe growing up in Kansas made me this way lol I do think people are more affectionate or maybe just friendlier in the midwest .
 widowsdesire
Joined: 4/7/2009
Msg: 50
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/22/2009 9:00:49 PM
Blueeyes, I personally don't think the need to give or receive affection is tied to our age. I think some people are touchy-feely types and others are not. I grew up in a family where my father was affectionate, my mother was not. My sister and I are affectionate. My brother is not. I think being openly affectionate is tied to personality and life experience.

While in my twenties I dated a man who was not affectionate. At the time I lived with it.
Later I realized I was lucky that did not work out. I would have been miserable not being able to freely hug and kiss someone I loved. I also like to receive affection as well as display it. If I was not given affection I would feel the void.

I feel exactly the same as you described about a desire to hold, touch, and feel. My husband was an affectionate man. We held hands all the time. When he got cancer and we were unable to express ourselves sexually we could still sit close and hold hands.
The affection kept us close, up to the time of his death.

When I started dating I knew I wanted someone in my life with whom I could be openly affectionate. My boyfriend has not been in a relationship for over a decade.
He had only a rare date during that time. When we started dating however, the affection we expressed came easily. It was natural and comfortable. We enjoyed kissing, hugs, hand holding and cuddling on the couch. Since he has been single for so long I know these are things he has lived without for a long time. Non-sexual touch is an important part of our relationship. When I am close to him I find myself touching him, whether it be a hand on his shoulder, or knee, an arm around his back, or touching his arm while we talk.

Quatre, you are right on target that without expressions of affection, sex is no more fulfilling than masturbation. When you add affection to sex, it is elevated to making love. When my boyfriend and I became intimate our expressions of affection naturally carried over into the bedroom. When he wraps his arms around me and holds me close, he says, "You feel good." Clearly, physical affection is important to us both. I am accustomed to lots of affection. Times when we have had a "quickie" in the absence of our usual time kissing and embracing it feels like a "booty call." It is just sex and does not feel like making love.

Walts, I agree that some our age who have "lost" the need for affection have buried it, for fear of expressing emotion,feelings and giving part of yourself "up" to another. After awhile some just don't have much left to give? Some our age have gone a long time without affection, like my boyfriend, but when they meet the right person, they easily express affection again, even if they have "buried" the need for a long time.

Rearguard, you expression of how important affection is to sex is right on target.
Sex without affection is meaningless.

Aaamm you too expressed it perfectly, that you don't know how you are going to react to someone until you are with them. With one person it is hard to express affection, but with another it is very natural and easy.

Blueeyes, your observation of open expression of affection among kids is something I too have observed. My husband and I were openly affectionate with our kids and our daughter shows affection openly with her friends with hugs. After the death of a loved one, I have found my friends and family became more appreciative of one another. They hug each other and say I love you more freely.

My advise to you, different people have different needs for affection. If you already feel something is missing in your relationship now, it will only make you feel more of a void as you grow to care more. Your gentleman friend may be a good man, but he most likely will never be able to give you what you need from him. Trust your gut. Talk to him about your needs. If he is not willing to make adjustments in the way he treats you, part as friends.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?