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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What h      Home login  
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 Patty8448
Joined: 11/22/2009
Msg: 101
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?Page 5 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
I can relate to this. something has gone wrong with the over 45 crowd, or is it just overprotection of feelings and not wishing to be hurt again?? men and women are holding back a bit of themselves to not be hurt again?I can understand this kind of behavior in the intitial month of a relationship but surely after you begin to meld into a couple the giving and receiving of affection, emotions, touching, and making love is an equal part of this relationship. For some people this is not so and it is very distressing to the person who does not hold back anything. It makes no sense, I would think as you get older you can handle putting yourself out there, but it is not so.
 ZenBeth
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 102
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/28/2009 10:50:56 PM
After reading 5 pages of comments I am wondering if we looked at all the people who waxed poetic about needing and wanting affection, smoooooching and other lovey dovey stuff, would be see women people who have gotten more emails from people who are asking them out.

~Beth~
 blueyesrsmiling
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 103
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/29/2009 5:53:06 AM

waxed poetic about needing and wanting affection, smoooooching and other lovey dovey stuff, would be see women people who have gotten more emails from people who are asking them out.

This wasn't the reason I wrote this. If you had read five pages of this you know that affection is many different things. It isn't just sexual. As for myself it hasn't helped my dating status at all. Nor did I write it for dates.
Most of the men and women that are on the forums I respect. They have balanced idea's and views. We have also spoke of different forms of affection. The basics is just making eye contact whenever your speaking to someone. It shows your listening to what they are saying. We have spoken about pets, older people in nursing homes there are many ways of showing affection besides being kissy, kissy. And what the heck if it has gotten some people dates so what? A lot of men have wrote that they are also affectionate. Yeah for them and yeah for us. I would love to met someone that wasn't a manly man that wouldn't hesitate to show affection and receive it.
Beside I love the poetic in people and it shows a softer more human side. And if they are poetic about affection that makes me happy .......beside I love poetry in motion.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 104
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Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/29/2009 6:05:36 AM
"After reading 5 pages of comments I am wondering if we looked at all the people who waxed poetic about needing and wanting affection, smoooooching and other lovey dovey stuff, would be see women people who have gotten more emails from people who are asking them out. "

Not just this thread, but many threads, certain people of both genders try to figure out what the other gender wants to hear, then posts like mad hoping for attention. Not sure if that means they need more affection than the average person, or whether their need to be liked is over powering.

Personally I love affection with people I love, but have no need to get affection from strangers.

Maybe some folks need to prove to themselves they are worthy of affection. All this "I am so nice", "I am so affectionate" sounds like many protest too much.
 johnybuck
Joined: 11/15/2009
Msg: 105
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/29/2009 6:16:30 AM
Whew . . .pretty intense. Its a matter of values I think. What people want and cherish. Many people (most) value what is solid and material likes things, tangible affection (kissing, sex . . etc) and some people like , seek and crave thoughtfulness, romance, shared feelings, and the 3rd love (message if you NEED to know what that is). Men cheat and discount themselves by not knowing and exploring women emotionally and spiritually. Women can be extremely precious if they are known as a complete woman (physically, emotionally, spiritually) instead of a female of the species for limited "use". Some need companionship, some need sex, some need a mom, and some are mature and seek (dont need) a partner in life.
 blueyesrsmiling
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 106
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/29/2009 7:25:18 AM
Everyone is entitled to their opinion I can't change thoughts, feelings or attitudes. Their opinions are neither true or untrue nor are they based on fact. But it also gives great insight to whom they are. Some close the world around them due to painful experiences. So they have a harder time experiencing affectionate feelings for other's without making it negative. They assume that this is a attention seeking post to either garner attention or dates. But this gives me great insight to those who can't or won't open enough to let theirselves feel vulnerable. Some people feel that you either have to have a game going on or that your weak for stating what you need and want in a partner. I put my cards on the table. I want, need and crave affection. It is a great thing none of us are alike. It is a great thing so many have different thoughts and feelings about affection and about out thinking everyone else and assuming this is a attention seeking post. But I have noted that even through some of these posts are in the negative most are positive. And like me everyone else is meddling their way through the dating world and I am not alone in trying to find my way to that one partner.
I am also a woman that seeks a love and a life partner that isn't afraid to tell me and show me affection and share their feelings.
I will not be shamed in stating what I want.
 JCN4Fun
Joined: 9/16/2009
Msg: 107
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/29/2009 9:43:05 AM
After reading most of these posts it sounds to me like it comes down to personal preference and communication. If you need a hug daily and are not getting it, you either ask for them or find someone who is more "affectionate" on a daily, public basis or live being disappointed.

There are people who never saw public displays of affection, or who learned that they were not appropriate. I married one of them. It sucked. And as our realtionship went down the tubes, the little bit of touching went with it. I highly value that aspect of interpersonal relationships and am confident that there are women who share my view.

Just like there are introverts and extraverts, there is a wide range when it comes to "affection" and we all need to learn to deal with it. If you are willing to live without that which you yearn for, it is YOUR fault!!!! I haven't found anyone who is a mind reader about this stuff and knows just what to do 24/7. Imagine if you went to a restaurant and didn't verbalize an order...I bet that you wouldn't get what you wanted there either!!!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 108
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/29/2009 10:09:20 AM
^^^Thank you, sir. Exactly! People have different levels of affection - finding someone who matches yours is the more obvious and less chanllenging thing to do, why find the opposite and then try to change it? No one's wrong or right, people are just different.

Personally I love affection with people I love, but have no need to get affection from strangers.

Maybe some folks need to prove to themselves they are worthy of affection. All this "I am so nice", "I am so affectionate" sounds like many protest too much.

I agree with this too. I'm affectionate with people I've known and are close to. That's it for me - I don't gush over strangers either.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 109
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/29/2009 10:12:53 AM

Whoever mentioned the personality disorders: I think that's spot on. After a certain age, statistically speaking, people pair up into couples. So, get down to the tail end, and who is left? There have to be a lot of dysfunctional ones in the singles mix for certain. The Aspergers syndromes, the RADs, a few narcissists, a few psychopaths, ODDs, people who've never successfully formed an emotional bond with anyone in their lives, abusers, etc.

I think it's one of the things that makes dating at middle age and older fraught with potential problems. Just read the posts here. There are hundreds of I-don't-care-about-you-or-anyone sentiments voiced daily. It's one of the reasons that I cringe whenever I read these forums, and I don't participate much. It's like mental cruelty to me. "Yeah, go read POF and meet all of the haters." Not my idea of people I want to meet, anywhere, ever. Maybe many of the people here are just really bitter over their losses or something, but to me, most of the stuff on here is just Hell to read. Seriously.


Meaning absolutely no disrespect to the author, I have a couple of issues with this message.

After a certain age, statistically speaking, people pair up into couples.

Being's how this is the "over 45" forum, I suspect a lot of people here HAVE been paired up and something went wrong. And being widowed or losing a longtime SO to death is not something reserved for people over 65. And there are, I suspect, more people of both genders who are for the first time completely free...no spouse( by either divore or death, both of which are TRAGEDIES which need recovery time) kids are on their own or nearly so, and in MY geographical area, there are also a lot of who have retired early due to buyouts in their industry,and may be focused on starting a business or entreprenuerial venture, returning to school,etc. And they may be enjoying this newfound freedom and autonomy. I don't see how that means their personalities are disordered.

The Aspergers syndromes, the RADs, a few narcissists, a few psychopaths, ODDs, people who've never successfully formed an emotional bond with anyone in their lives, abusers, etc
Well obviously we can all do without the psycho/sociopaths,abusers,markedly narcissistic...but Asperger's/HFA, ADD/ADHD, OCD, the milder manifestations of bipolar, are not BAD people. They MAY require more patience from their relationship partner,but they are not social rejects or outcasts,unless they have really junkass ignorant families and friends. I've had friends with Aspergers, ADD,etc whose families and (alleged) friends were the ones that SHOULD have been labeled as disordered!

but to me, most of the stuff on here is just Hell to read. Seriously.

So, why are you? Step away from the computer, let go of the mouse, see that door right there? Walk through it and meet people face to face. Don't EVEN start that "I don't do the bar scene" shit on ME. Go take a class. Volunteer. Get involved in neighborhood or community activities. Support a cause you care about. Learn a new interest or hobby, or take a part time job, that requires interaction with other people.

The ONE difference I've noticed between guys I meet IRL and ones I encounter online, is that the single guys who don't bother with online dating don't seem to have such a tendency to OVERTHINK everything.
Cindy O
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 110
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/29/2009 10:23:50 AM
Blueeyes your upbeat and shining personality shows in your post...I can see that is who you are and the code you are living by...it is one I agree with. Many, many of your post shows were you take responsibility for where you are in life and what you want from it. You dont blame others for it or look to others to solve things. That is impressive!

Others are so stuck in their desire to be miserable they cant stand to see someone acknowledge that the key to happiness lies inside of each of us...

Some never free themselves to passion, to really being alive they want to live in sheltered caves and hate all the while secretly hoping some prince charming is going to appear to save them from their miserable existance...ie why they are on a dating site...

They leave the door open but when no one shows up then they become haters...why is this person happy ...they dont have anyone either...look how needy they are...look at this...and so to excuse their own actions or lack of actions they develop the attitude that results in them staying single and curse are any who realizes if we are single...IT IS ON US not the opposite sex. But here they sit with their poison viewpoint of the world and how right their choices are for everyone else ...but they are still on a dating site....makes you kinda wonder now dont it!

If you agree with men you are wrong...cause well some feel all men are wrong...if you agree with women you are one of the haters...I simply make myself happy being myself and dont try to agree or disagree with any one set group...there is wisdom in every written word even if that wisdom is to ignore it...
 blueyesrsmiling
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 111
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/29/2009 11:32:40 AM

If you agree with men you are wrong...cause well some feel all men are wrong...if you agree with women you are one of the haters...I simply make myself happy being myself and dont try to agree or disagree with any one set group...there is wisdom in every written word even if that wisdom is to ignore it...

Thank You. I couldn't find the right words to post which you did for me.

however we are talking even doing small things for her like a passing touch, a hug, sharing household chores so you have more time together. Some of the things that I loved most about my late wife were the small things, it showed she cared and loved me,

Exactly. This is what I am talking about this is what I miss.
Being a widow I do understand how short life is. I wanting to squeeze every second of every single day.
I chose not to continue the relationship. He is a great and wonderful person and I will always wish him the best. Thanks for the information and differing points of views.
 JCN4Fun
Joined: 9/16/2009
Msg: 112
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 11/29/2009 1:45:15 PM
I once read a Dear Abby article that was a discourse on:

LOVE = SEX, and how that cannot be because if you rearrange it mathematically you get:

LOVE - SEX = ZERO, which we all know not to be true. You also get:

SEX - LOVE = ZERO, which may be closer to the truth, and can even be less than zero if you get a "gift that keeps on giving" if you know what I mean...LOL!!!
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 113
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 12/2/2009 3:18:11 AM

SEX - LOVE = ZERO, which may be closer to the truth, and can even be less than zero if you get a "gift that keeps on giving" if you know what I mean...LOL!!!


Oh that is a good one.. Nothing like being way way in the negative..and there may well not be a come back!!

thecatsmeoww
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 114
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Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 12/2/2009 4:57:08 AM
Of course, all this mathematics is based on the initial statement that SEX = LOVE. As that is clearly not true, the rest of the chain of conclusions is all crap. We all know well that you can love all kinds of people deeply without having sex ever enter the picture, and that you can have sex with all kinds of people without love ever entering the picture. Perhaps not you personally, but certainly these are generally true statements.

The other aspect of algorithmic manipulation is that the elements must be homogeneous to make sense as in APPLE - ORANGE does not make any sense at all, and certainly does not equal ZERO.

Finally, affection is not love, its an expression of feelings. Love is a feeling, not an expression of feeling. Love at its best is a sympathetic harmony between people cultivated and amplified by the expression of love through affection and other means which can include sex.

At its base, sex has always been sex, and affection was never essential to the act. Its when you want to take your relationship to a more enduring and fundamentally satisfying level that affection and the expression of love are, were and always will be necessary. Even in that case, SEX != LOVE because APPLES !=ORANGES.

The union of sex and love brings all good things, provided of course the love is mutual!
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 115
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Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 12/2/2009 5:25:08 AM
I would say its because he didnt have affectionate parent(s), maybe emotionally neglectful ones. Children learn stuff like this from parents. Just cold parents who dont communicate on a verbal level regarding emotions and affection is most likely that keeps him in a emotional cage. It is understandable you want affection in your life, you are giving it to him but getting nothing in return. You need to find someone that can provide that for you, this guy will have to work for someone like you or settle for someone like himself. It would take a long time and therapy just for him to realize the core of his non affectione being, do you really have all the time to wait for this guy, it may sound harsh but your chances for happiness will increase with a different personality type.
 sapphire24
Joined: 10/24/2009
Msg: 116
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 12/2/2009 5:39:26 PM
My first husband was not an affectionate man. From the time he was 8 years old, he was raised by his grandfather. Maybe he didn't know what affection was. I did not grow up in an affectionate family, but I turned out differently and enjoy showing affection with kissing, hand holding, etc. I think it does tend to go back to how you were raised.

Getting to the OP's problem. I think it just depends on the man, and may not be related to age. Through on-line dating, most of the people I have run into are affectionate people, open to giving and receiving of affection. A person has to have the quaities that you desire, if something is missing, it will always be missing.
 blueyesrsmiling
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 117
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 12/2/2009 7:36:02 PM

I don't see how two people who are in love can't be affectionate

You said what I needed to hear........I had already made my decision before I even posted this on the forum....but sometimes I can't articulate the words. But this is simple neat and clean and right on the money ....... Thank You
 stefitony1
Joined: 3/3/2008
Msg: 118
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Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 12/2/2009 9:07:37 PM
I am a 47n year old guy and I feel quite the opposite. I no longer need sex as much as when I was a young man (Though I do like it) but affection is something I like to give and receive regularly. Isn;t that the purpose of a relationship. Anything else sounds like a business arrangement or just buddies.
 NASH58
Joined: 1/4/2008
Msg: 119
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 12/3/2009 5:08:35 AM
MMM I love a lot of sex but here in Nashville not a lot of women my age Tom
 NoVaBuckeye
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 120
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 12/10/2009 2:45:57 PM
I think the easy availability of porn (online) has really had an effect on some people that I've met over the past years. (How else would the shaving question have come up? Most of us had never even thought of it at our ages! It has had an impact.)

Most of us have been married and had sex available to us on a more regular basis so perhaps we miss it more, I dunno. For a lot of us there is a physical longing and craving for it, but we want it with warmth and connection not just hard core depersonalized sex. It is a biological urge, so I can see where some might think affection is not necessary. Porn seems to indicate that affection is not necessary by its portrayal of women as always ready for action, even if its just the TV repairman stopping by.

Where do we see genuine affection out in the open any more? I sure don't see it very often.

I often think shame on us for letting the youth culture infect our behaviors and change who we are and how we interact. Ever listen to 20 somethings talk about sex? Boomers liberated sex so we could enjoy it more, but something happened and now to some it can seem empty. How did that happen? Depersonalization of sexual activity?

Solving that problem for myself, the rule is no sex with anyone I don't care about or have a genuine affection for, and I have to feel that he feels the same about me with caring and a genuine affection. It is not difficult to find guys who want to have sex, but it is difficult to find a relationship that has the affinity that makes sex more than just animal behavior.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 121
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Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 12/10/2009 3:59:04 PM
Can there be any feeling more comforting than the pressure of your partner's body against yours while you sit beside each other passing the time away reading a book, or watching a movie, or watching the snow fall through the window on a stormy Winter's day? The pressure you feel is the expression of your closeness, a statement that you are together, calm, happy and content just to be together. You are not sitting beside each other, you are sitting together, and your mind is free from thoughts of uncertainty about your relationship.

Compared to that, sex is a pale imitation. After you have sex you may lie together and get a sense of togetherness. The state to which I allude above it, however, always there without prelude. It is always there without the need for a special place. To be able to be like that with your partner is a goal in itself.
 ZenBeth
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 122
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 12/10/2009 4:09:13 PM

NoVABuckeye wrote:Where do we see genuine affection out in the open any more? I sure don't see it very often.


The fact two days don't go by that I don't compliment a couple on holding hands and smiling at each other, I would say its very common around here in N CA. Must depend on where one lives.

~Beth~
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 123
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 12/11/2009 5:41:40 AM

NoVABuckeye wrote:Where do we see genuine affection out in the open any more? I sure don't see it very often.


Gosh I see it everywhere I go.. I see it on street corners, subways, and just taking a walk around my block..It could be because Montreal is a highly romantic city..

thecatsmeoww
 NoVaBuckeye
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 124
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 12/11/2009 3:30:27 PM
oh yes, Montreal is very romantic. Washington DC, is not.
 clockwork lime
Joined: 8/12/2009
Msg: 125
Sex is sex and we no longer need to give or receive affection? What has happened to our age group?
Posted: 12/11/2009 4:47:50 PM

oh yes, Montreal is very romantic. Washington DC, is not.


I dunno, I was under the impression that quite a lot of affection was given and received in the oval office not so long ago.
I think a lot depends on the time of year too. People are more business like in the winter, scurrying from building to building. In the summer time it's not all that rare to see elderly couples walking hand in hand.
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