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Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 48
Do people change?Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
The women who get fooled by such actors are not those who knowingly marry a guy thinking to change him. They are those who rush into relationships without really looking close at their men. They fail to really get to know their man.

may I modify this slightly? If I may, please change "women" to "people","men" and "man" to "themselves"

I have three male friends who rushed into marriage/committed relationships in the last year and have either ended those relationships or are having serious less than a year!

this brings to mind another old ditty: "marry in haste, repent at leisure"

I only know the men in these hook-ups but I think this applies to both people...
There were two people in each of these scenarios who were 1. Acting out of charactor to appeal to someone 2. Hopeful the relationship would cause them to be happy and/or 3. Counting on effortless change.

Change - especially so called core change - requires incredible effort.

Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 49
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/29/2009 6:23:19 AM
Sometimes life FORCES us to change. We either change or die. My brother passing away shattered my world, hollowed me out to the core, and instilled in me a lot of doubt, questioning everything and feeling a need for faith in a higher power. I think I relied too much on my brother for strength rather than possessing strength of my own. He was my barometer for my own feelings, my rock, and I'm sure he fed off my practical nature too when his life felt crazy and out-of-control.

I feel connected to that higher source now, and, as a result still feel connected to him. I'm stronger, physically and emotionally, than I was 3 years ago when he died.

I also feel as though I've put away childish things, things I used to feel were important, material things, and now am playing with adult things, people and feelings.

At the same time, I feel I've become hard and coarse, and have lost that soft sweetness I used to possess, as though I'm afraid to love, for fear of loss. This troubles me. Maybe the right person and the right set of circumstances will allow that soft side to surface again. Right now, there's nobody in the picture who encourages that, and I feel it's the time to be lean and mean, and attack work with a vengeance to build up some financial security.

When things are completely honky-dorey, I think we all tend to fall into a complacent rut. We need some life-shattering event to shake us up and force us to change, usually a loss of some kind. Shows us what we're made of, which, in my case, was sweet sh-t.
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 51
Do people change?
Posted: 11/29/2009 6:19:42 PM
You can make anyone change, even against their will:

1) Get emotional leverage and link massive, immediate, unbearable pain to the present behavior.

2) Link massive, immediate and intense pleasure to the behavioral change sought.

3) Condition this linkage regularly until it is self-sustaining.

This use of the principle that people will avoid pain and seek pleasure is well established. The science of Neuro-Linguistic Programming has been successfully used to treat everything from anxiety to smoking cessation.

Warning: This can be manipulated and can be extremely dangerous. People have had their entire belief system shattered using this technique.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 53
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/29/2009 6:44:21 PM
People change all of the time. And then we die.

Random thoughts of change:

* The time when people really seem to question "can people change?" is only when they want someone to change; often when they want someone to be who they are not, or to feel something they don't.

* I sometimes wonder if the people who say "people don't change" are the same people who say "the relationship started off great and then he/she changed".

* Change is one of the things people fear the most. Often we give lip-service to change but, beneath the brave words, we're running amuck trying to make sure nothing changes.
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 54
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/29/2009 6:50:02 PM
I keep remembering George Lucas' message in Star Wars Episodes I-III, about Anakin Skywalker. Anakin was an earnest lad who liked things to always stay the same. That, of course, was not the case. The galaxy was in a constant state of turmoil and a peaceful republic was about to be overturned by a vicious dictator, and his own mother was about to be slain by a band of sand people. Soon, his pregnant wife would die under the strain of stress.

He couldn't roll with the changes, he couldn't let people come and go, pass away, dissolve into the Force, and thus, he became greedy and his need to control everything and everyone around him, and a belief instilled in him by the dark lord of the Sith, Palpatine aka Lord Sidious, that he could save the people he loved from dying, led to his inevitable trip down the dark side, where he became so consumed by rage and lust for power, whence he ultimately and tragically morphed into the evil dark lord of the Sith that we all know, one bad-ass, black-helmetted figure named Darth Vader-!

To quote Yoda, "you must train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose". Strikes a powerful chord when I think of my dear brother, who has indeed transformed into the Force. By attempting to hold onto the memories of him in his human form, I distance myself from him and am causing myself endless pain and suffering. By getting in touch with the SOURCE from where he (and all of us) came from, I AM in touch with him.
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 55
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/29/2009 7:01:18 PM
I've known some people to change, and some not. I found that people would continue in the same ways as before, no matter what. Then, when they DID change, they didn't just change one thing, they changed all sorts of things, and after speaking with them, it was like talking to a different person.

So I guess you could say that if you were dating someone, then they don't change that often, and when they do, they are so different, that it's like you've dumped them anyway, and are on a first date with an entirely new person. Either way, the old relationship with the old person is history.
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 56
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Do people change?
Posted: 11/29/2009 10:00:16 PM
I have contemplated this question a lot in my life. Can I change? I most certainly hope that I can; and I am most grateful that I have, at times, and under certain circumstances.

Case in point, when I started seeing my father in me, especially as it related to my son, I made a concerted effort to either banish, control, or at the very least, hide that reflection. It was not a good character and my son did not need to grow up with the images of a father that I grew up with.

So, while it may be true that others cannot force us, normally, to change it is my belief that for others we can and do change.

{there are times I wish I were not my father's son, but then I wouldn't be the father that I am}
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 58
Do people change?
Posted: 11/30/2009 6:57:27 AM
Perhaps you need to approach it this way. Do people change? Absolutely. But, can you change someone? NOPE.

People grow and evolve, but the fabric that makes a person, will always remains the same. When people change, they change from within, not from the outside. When someone goes against the fabric of their own being, eventually they get tired of that and revert to what they know. So, do not try to change someone because they will not. But realize that the person that you are at 25 is going to be very different that the person you are at 40.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 61
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Do people change?
Posted: 12/1/2009 10:43:43 PM
I know that my ex-wife did. Either that, or she VERY skillfully hid who she truly was for a long time. Or I was blind.

Myself? I have been told by friends, and I take it as a compliment, that I haven't changed a bit... I'm still the same person they knew me to be 10 years ago. Since they liked that person, and I was comfortable with that person, I take it as a good thing.

Will I change in the future? I have no idea.
Joined: 11/21/2009
Msg: 62
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Do people change?
Posted: 12/1/2009 11:38:05 PM
I think people change all the time if they feel compelled.

The sad thing is I see people change the wrong thing about themselves to fix a problem and I've watched their lives suffer for it.
Joined: 7/13/2009
Msg: 65
Do people change?
Posted: 12/2/2009 7:43:28 AM
Change? Well that's a very broad term. My belief is that the core of who you are is cemented early on in life. You may vary in appearance as you get older and your interests may change, but rarely do you adopt an entirely new worldview over the course of your life. In fact, we often become even more locked in to our belief systems as we get older.

But another thing to consider is that some people are already centered and balanced and really don't need to change for the better. So an inability to change or a resistance to change is not always a bad thing.
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 69
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Do people change?
Posted: 12/6/2009 4:41:55 PM
at our very cores, you say.

it would have to be some kind of motavation to change at our very cores!

I can only think of that bible guy, saul, whos name even changed to paul.

don't think his core changed though.

he went from gung ho christ follower killer to gung ho in favour of christ followers.
Joined: 10/23/2009
Msg: 72
Do people change?
Posted: 12/6/2009 6:58:40 PM
Of course people change! :D I'm living proof :O
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 77
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Do people change?
Posted: 12/23/2010 10:31:38 PM
Sure people change. But on some things, and not others, and you can't depend on any one thing in particular to change. People find a way to justify what they do. A murderer has the capacity to murder again. A thief can steal again. And a cheater will most likely cheat again. There are some things that we see as either right or wrong, and acceptable 'for extenuating circumstances' or not. That, I think, doesn't change.
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 81
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Do people change?
Posted: 12/26/2010 9:18:22 AM
People can mature or be introduced to new experiences but change, I do not believe it is possible. The biggest mistake women make is to think they can turn a jerk into a prince. People fundamentally remain the same. Make sure you are philosophically, morally and temperamentally the same. Everything else is just window dressing.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 82
Do people change?
Posted: 12/26/2010 9:57:36 AM
People grow up and change things about themselves and often change their minds about ideas according to their experiences or desire to ..

Laugh at things we don't understand, then karma shows us..the other side?
Meet people who amaze us with a fantastic outlook when we would fold?

Can we influence change?
Slightly, but with them wanting it and by example. Not shoving it down their throat or preaching / nagging or wishing upon a star..

Men won't change a woman nor a woman a man just because they desire them to change if that's what you mean.

You can't love or bully them into changing.

We change constantly.........if we live.
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 88
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Do people change?
Posted: 1/2/2011 8:31:30 PM
We evolve.

Ask the few people who have known me since high school. They will verify that some fundamental things about me have not changed. Other things about me have changed a little, and some have changed a lot. Some of it has been intentional, some has been the result of experience and maturity over time.

I've known people who have changed. There is a core that never changes but the manifestation of it can change. One would hope that over time we change for the better but I've known people who have changed for the worse - gotten rigid or bitter or more angry over time. A few people I know were a bit eccentric when I met them but over time deteriorated into a state I can only describe as mentally ill.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 89
Do people change?
Posted: 1/12/2011 7:07:22 PM

I completely believe that people change. But I do not believe that you can change people! And that's the mistake people make.

Joined: 11/7/2010
Msg: 90
Do people change?
Posted: 1/12/2011 7:17:32 PM
Yes, some for the better as we grow old and wiser, and some for the worse as they regress as they age or go through some sort of mid life crisis. I believe we change accordingly to the amount of stress inducers there are in our lives. With the economy the way it has been the last several years, I am sure many had to change more than just their budgets. There are certain hormonal chemical changes that take place as we age that can change our personalities and temperaments to some degree.
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 92
Do people change?
Posted: 1/13/2011 12:51:59 PM
There is an old saying.
Only the grave would strighten the hunch back.. Seemed to be true unless the person is realy works very hard at it cause he wants to. Even then most of the time they slip back into the old habits
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 93
Do people change?
Posted: 1/13/2011 2:40:21 PM
The Possum Lodge Men's Prayer.
As read by Red Green:

I am a man.
I can change.
If I have to.
I guess.

Joined: 9/1/2006
Msg: 94
Do people change?
Posted: 1/14/2011 1:56:13 PM
I think people can change their behavior, if the patterns are not too deeply ingrained. But I don't believe we can change our nature. We are who we are. jmo.
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 95
Do people change?
Posted: 1/14/2011 6:18:51 PM

But I don't believe we can change our nature. We are who we are.

There are circumstances that can totally change our nature and shatter the "We are who we are" theory. For example, if a leader of a country suddenly proclaims another country is an enemy and declares war, look what happens to people. Law abiding, God fearing, good natured people go off to war and commit mass murder and other atrocities on other people-people they knew nothing about. And the people who don't go to war consider them heroes. This goes on all over the world and has gone on throughout history.

There have been cases and probably a lot of unknown cases where a group of people are suddenly stranded in the middle of nowhere and basic survival is at risk. Some of the people ended up resorting to cannibalism. If someone would at some point consider me or you as supper, I would classify this as changing our nature.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 96
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Do people change?
Posted: 1/15/2011 8:52:54 AM
Good posts! I would suggest that there are a multitude of defining moments in our lives on a very regular (daily? weekly?) basis.

I've tended to look at life this way: Who we are is the intersection of who we say we are, how we believe life works and how we think life should work. The choices we make from moment to moment define who we are. Our belief in how life works and how it should work are a matter of perspective; experience alters our perception. In simple terms, changing, therefore, can be a matter of making choices that are in alignment with who we say we are.
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 97
Do people change?
Posted: 1/15/2011 9:19:20 AM

There's quite a bit of social theory that backs up the fact that, at the core, people find it difficult to change, but that they are still capable of it.

My experience? Most people HATE change. I relish it. I live for it. Change of scenery. Change of interests. Change of mind-set. Just change. It makes me feel alive and living vs. dead and dying. Even the most tragic things in our lives can instigate change ~ and often times that change is what helps make us better people. More understanding, more tolerant. Much move willing to offer and receive love into our hearts/lives. Without change? We'd all still be single-celled creatures. How dull would that be? JMO (And NO, I'm not getting into the whole creation vs. evolution debate. I just happen to believe that change is usually not a bad thing, even when it feels like it is.)
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