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 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 76
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Are we harder to date at Page 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
^^^
There are other examples. I knew a woman with almost identical background to yours.
First marriage was bad with a disloyal man and lasted 6 years. Followed by an almost idyllic, true love marriage lasting 30 years. Until he discovered a younger woman. In the 30 years long relationship there was not any indication of an impending doom. Similar to your description, the woman didn't see anything coming.

Relationship breakdowns can happen even in long seemingly ideal marriages.
In contrast to divorced people, widows and widowers sometimes idealize their past and previous partner.
 CloudHidden
Joined: 9/28/2009
Msg: 77
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 9:02:46 AM
We all have memories, be they of the deceased or the divorced, some of us use the mirror for what its intended purpose is and look to see where we are, what we have done and with a bit of introspection we get wiser. Some blame and point fingers and others live in illusions but, the common denominator is that we all have more info whether good or bad when we start dating again.

I’m not a widower so I can’t speak to that but, they have an advantage that I personally don’t have, there spouse can’t come back and invalidate or correct their memory. I don’t know if this is good or bad, but I know for me, every time I see my Ex and we talk of a few things (We are not enemies, and yes we have always talked), I’m amazed at the differences in how we both perceived events in our marriage. I some times walk away questioning how I came to such thoughts or feelings in my life. The deceased can only come back to haunt your memory, they can’t correct it.

So with that, yes, a lot of us are harder to date because we question more and refuse to just blindly jump in. Then again, some who live in illusion will continue repeating the same behavior over and over and it’s my job to figure out who those folks are. The price of poker in dating goes up as we get older.
 mariner 49
Joined: 5/26/2009
Msg: 78
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 9:30:47 AM
I am newly-single and about to turn 60. One thing I've noticed during my brief period on POF is that 60 appears to be a commonly-used "cut-off age" by women looking for men. Another thing I've noticed is that some of the women limiting their searches to men under 60 are themselves over 60. Come on ladies--do you think that all guys over 60 are ready to be put out to pasture? Do you 55 to 65 year old ladies all consider yourselves to be "cougars"? It's hard enough to find compatible people to date at our age without knowing that your profile won't even be seen because of an arbitrary cut off age.
 peek~a~booo
Joined: 1/3/2007
Msg: 79
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 9:56:47 AM
females who are cougars are not here bud..they are in the bars doing the hunt......roar
why would you worry about folks who don't intrest you and not choose to see the beautiful in ALL....

frankly my age is set wideopen cuz i have some puppy friends in the pond but the ones who hump my leg get a firm go back to the puppy section............

a funny story

one tried to make moves in person and i patted him on the head, told him he was cute but not atune to my female needs...why be mean and not just honest. i told him gold star on the attemt but his nose needs to be up someone elses azz.

I also dated a man who was 62(1 1/2 years)...........he is a great pal to this day but his life is a different direction than mine....so we choose to just respect one another and choose to be friends till one of us dies...

too bad if the next man in my life thinks he gets to choose my friends...hence(parent trap)
live your life and keep the faith lil fish...not everyone is caugfht in the age rage trap either....maturity is not your years on the planet is how open minded you are and how you accept responsibility of respect to YOURSELFimo anyway...puppies are just part of the fluff on the end of the waggin tail.

good luck to every lil fishie....you can't always have what you want but you can get out of life what ya need.
kiss kiss....sunshine is a choice not a weather report of someone elses choices but yours!!! all the rest is simple fluff cuz we are all just human's evolving forward either together or alone makes no matter....energy makes matter me thinks..toss your best and do not worry so much about others ideals...set your own!!!
cuz you have tolive within you.........nobuddy else.

goodness sakes look out cuz passion is a choice of whom puts the keys into the car not the idiot who brags about there ride roar.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 80
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Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 12:17:58 PM
"I am always amazed at the smug psychic abilities that widows and widowers seem to claim that they have with regard to their marriages. I often wonder if the widow(er)s have ever thought that the "wonderful marriage" that they claim they had may very well could have been derailed at some future time if their significant other hadn't passed away."

That sounds like "certain" single/divorced people need to believe that a huge majority of marriages can't possible survive for anyone. Now there is a negative attitude.

"I do think there are some people that are harder to date mainly due to their rigid and negative attitudes and setting the bar so high as to prove these attitudes. "

I always thought having had a good marriage was a possitive thing. Silly me.



People will turn themselves inside out trying to convince others that they wouldn't be as hard to date if they would just change their personal preferences. Why they are so sure they are right is a mystery to me.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 81
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 1:01:39 PM
we do not cheaty

Does anyone but me find this funny, lol!? The dood's married and looking for an intimate encounter. . .

Good luck, Shorty.
 Justme_63
Joined: 11/23/2009
Msg: 82
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 1:20:40 PM
i am much easier to date now IF i want to date you.....
i like myself better than i ever have before; i am more confident, more sexual, and much more relaxed. i used to be judgmental and self righteous til i found out life really is very short and i better start enjoying it and laughing at myself and at others!!
 ZenBeth
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 83
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 3:23:54 PM
tinkerbellcgy wrote in message #91:I am always amazed at the smug psychic abilities that widows and widowers seem to claim that they have with regard to their marriages. I often wonder if the widow(er)s have ever thought that the "wonderful marriage" that they claim they had may very well could have been derailed at some future time if their significant other hadn't passed away. All of these widow(er)s seem to think that they have the secret to a wonderful marriage and perhaps they did for the length of time the marriage was intact prior to the death of their partner but who is to say that 5, 10, 15 or how many more years into the future that it may have or could have been derailed had their significant other not passed away. Look at all the folks that have been married 30, 40 and even 50 years and they are now in the process of divorcing. I would venture a guess that had someone told them 10 or 20 years into their "wonderful" marriage that it would end in divorce they would have strongly denied it. Stuff like this happens all the time so there are no guarantees that anything will last forever.


Some people actually do live up to the promises they made to each other when they marry. Some of us did vows that reminded us that we evolve and grow and so would the marriage. Some people really do stay married because they are such equals. Some marriages do indeed succeed because each partner actually loves, respects and honors their partner. There are marriages where the two mature adults simply have a different mind set from the get go from those who marry and divorce.

And perhaps what you perceive as smugness is simple sincere humbleness and gratefulness that they indeed had married their equal, and perhaps could teach those who are divorced some valuable lessons. And there is no psychic nonsense involved. Just mature wisdom day to day, year to year, decade to decade.

~Beth~
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 84
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Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 4:22:16 PM
ZenBeth, while some may have had a very good marriage until the death of their significant other, there is absolutely no guarantees that had that significant other lived, that alone would guarantee the continuation of the marriage. It may have continued in the same vein but there is always the possibility that it may not have. One can only ever know what is in the present and one never knows what the next day or what the future will bring. Life can and does takes twists and turns when least expected and to think otherwise definitely does come across as exhibiting a certain smugness about projecting the future.

For example, for all the people who took marriage vows and are now divorced, I rather doubt any one of them took those vows thinking the marriage may not last. They married because they thought it would last forever. For whatever the reason may be, it did not. The same fate might have happened to the widow(er)s had their significant others not passed away. One can only hope that something like that would not happen but there is no absolute way that one can predict or guarantee the future. A widow(er) can only say that the marriage was good for as long as it lasted until death because to say definitively it would have lasted for another 5, 10, 15 or however many years enters the realm of attempting to predict the future. One can only work on the marriage and hope that it stands the test of time. The only thing of any certainty is the past and the present. The future is yet to unfold.

What comes to mind here are the old sayings of "don't count your chickens before they're hatched" and "never say never" because situations and circumstances can change in the blink of any eye often times when least expected.

So I now leave the door open for those whose mission is to bash and flame to "have at 'er"! LOL
 DivineBovine
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 85
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Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 4:26:20 PM

Having a chip on your shoulder and low self esteem is why your not getting dates.


nah - being married and looking for intimate encounters is why he's not getting dates!



since i've never been married, i don't know that it's harder to date now than it was "before". my whole life i've had periods where i didn't even get dates, much less have relationships" for years on end.

i guess that means i've always been difficult to date!

 BetterMotocicleta
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 86
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 4:42:49 PM

Superficial eh!Your words told me everything I need to know, to know that I wouldn't want to be involved with anyone who thinks that way, thank you.


I will, of course, attempt to piece together the broken shards of my confidence before my next date. Is this some kind of newb initiation or does this place just have a designated cyberbully?
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 87
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Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 4:53:09 PM

nah - being married and looking for intimate encounters is why he's not getting dates!

Hmmm, and here I thought it was because he listed his occupation as a "retired earl". Doesn't everybody want active royalty?


I will, of course, attempt to piece together the broken shards of my confidence before my next date. Is this some kind of newb initiation or does this place just have a designated cyberbully?

Well, I see you have caught on quite quickly to the ins and outs of the POF fora. There are indeed several and not just one cyberbully. And you have now seen firsthand why some people definitely are more harder to date.
 blueyesrsmiling
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 88
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 5:02:41 PM
I had a happy marriage until right before he died. Then it wasn't happy and I was sitting on the fence about deciding whether to continue or leave. I had made a decision that I would stay because you don't leave sick people. I still loved him but honestly I was miserable at the end of his life and he was miserable. Neither one of us was happy.
But I never got to find out how it would end between us. He took that decision out of my hands and left me I had so much guilt and missed him so much I couldn't breath. But I also couldn't tell him. Today I am probably just like anyone else whenever it comes to dating. I protect my feelings until I get to know and trust someone. Being fearful at the beginning of trying to date made me carry a shield around with me. Today I put away the shield but I am careful. I sometimes have a bad picker. But changing my attitude and behavior at the way I deal with people has saved me many times. Today I am becoming easier to date. Meeting the right one is hard. It wasn't meant to be easy. If it was easy I wouldn't know if they were the one. Nor would I have made major changes in myself. So maybe my journey is continuing to find the right one........but whenever I am suppose to they will be there. Until then I am getting ready for the path that leads me to the right one........
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 89
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Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 5:04:43 PM
"Another superficial judgement delivered without you actually know ing anything about me."

To which I answered "
Superficial eh!Your words told me everything I need to know, to know that I wouldn't want to be involved with anyone who thinks that way, thank you."

If you think I was cyberbullying, then you must admit you were cyberbullying in the first place.

I am very sure that anyone who can only dish it out, and not take it when it is returned, wouldn't want to date me.

Zenbeth talking about a relationship of equals understands how workable relationships work well between equals. Dating people who are our equal in our minds and their minds is never hard.

"There are indeed several and not just one cyberbully. "

Silly me. It always surprises me when people would never admit to being a bully, but bully just the same way as the people they call a bully.

I know, I am scum because I don't like Horton's, and the bullying attempts have carried on since then. Yes, posters see it.
 madmack1
Joined: 1/18/2006
Msg: 90
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Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 5:10:07 PM
I have been on POF for some time now. I58 years old I have noticed that women my age. Are looking for trophies meaning someone younger. As I see it is not happening for them being as are still on here. Myself I see thatPOF in the UK has lots of women that are comfortable with their age. So I go over there and have nothing but fun.
 Gue$$who
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 91
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 6:51:58 PM
Lots of us here comfortable with our ages, gessh where do you men find all these weird women.
 Notdesper8atall
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 92
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 7:14:30 PM
"Lots of us here comfortable with our ages, gessh where do you men find all these weird women."

Some are here some are there and even more are everywhere..lol.

Seriously though I understand some folks put up walls for others to scale and it might be ok for some but I have often seen others in the age group, who put walls up so high that a space shot would be pressed to get over.

Don't get me wrong I am not asking anyone to lower there standards at all. I was just making a point that some folks set there standards unrealistically high (and sometimes don't even realize they do it) and miss, for all intents and purposes, what may have been exactly what they were looking for in the first place.

Its a case of not seeing the forest for all the tall trees that get in the way of their view. SO to get a better view they cut down all the trees and wonder where the forest is and why they are surrounded by dead wood and no shade.
 blueyesrsmiling
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 93
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 7:31:11 PM
Letting down the walls mean letting down fear. Fear grows in our minds and hearts until it squeezes the life out of you. Sometimes whenever I experience it I take a mini break from myself. I am fearful in relationships it is hard trying to blend in both our personalities and attitudes. But letting fear take over my life scares me more. I am by nature a pretty shy person. I have had to reach out and try to be outside what I consider normal. I am now reaching out and trying harder with people I meet. Trying not to be afraid of what they think and behave how I feel I should. I have never had a hard time telling others if they annoy me but I now have to ask myself is this them or me trying to stop them from taking this relationship any further.....sometimes I let fear over ride me. I have no problem admitting I am scared sometimes. But if I keep figuring out what is scaring me maybe I will get to the place that I am comfrontable with if I face my fears. Today I have a good handle on fear. But every once in awhile a new one will pop up that I haven't dealt with yet. And it starts over. So I am muddling along these muddy waters trying to figure it out.......
 ZenBeth
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 94
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 7:51:01 PM
tinkerbellcgy wrote: For example, for all the people who took marriage vows and are now divorced, I rather doubt any one of them took those vows thinking the marriage may not last. They married because they thought it would last forever. For whatever the reason may be, it did not. The same fate might have happened to the widow(er)s had their significant others not passed away. One can only hope that something like that would not happen but there is no absolute way that one can predict or guarantee the future. A widow(er) can only say that the marriage was good for as long as it lasted until death because to say definitively it would have lasted for another 5, 10, 15 or however many years enters the realm of attempting to predict the future. One can only work on the marriage and hope that it stands the test of time. The only thing of any certainty is the past and the present. The future is yet to unfold.


Actualllllly, numerous studies have shown that those who get divorced when required to go thru court ordered mediation, have noted that they actually had never seriously considered the for better for worse, sickness and in health, richer and for poorer, until death we do part vows. But assumed everything would be wonderful and that no real problems would arise. The fact that these same studies showed that money issues were #1 for the divorce, also suggests that the for worse and poorer, wasn't considered seriously. One article the NYTimes did a year ago noted that many people put more effort into the marriage ceremony and reception planning than they do into the marriage.

Whereas the widow/widower according to these studies did understand the worse, sickness, poorer part of the vows/promises and as such did not bail when things got tough. And these studies also showed that those who never divorce also have a tract record of being mature, reliable, consistent in their choices and lifestyle.

~Beth~
 MondoVman
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 95
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Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 8:07:26 PM
Velcomin to POF-land Mr Noob of the Week

Me recognize you no cheaty. And me no cheaty. But you sure is nayeevy.

"If we are __. We can __. We don't want __. and Some want us to change."

Beware the smug, attention seeking personality - especially the deaf and
intellectually daft ones who may or may not self-proclaimedly be harder to date.
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 96
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Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 8:12:15 PM
zenbeth - msg 113

The fact that these same studies showed that money issues were #1 for the divorce, also suggests that the for worse and poorer, wasn't considered seriously. ....

Whereas the widow/widower according to these studies did understand the worse, sickness, poorer part of the vows/promises and as such did not bail when things got tough. And these studies also showed that those who never divorce also have a tract record of being mature, reliable, consistent in their choices and lifestyle.

I haven't heard such a crock in a long, long time.

Widows and widowers are not a special cast of people, they just run into an unfortunate situation where one passes away.

In my example (post 94), I described a 30 year long happy marriage that ended in a divorce (money not being the reason for divorce).
If God forbid, something had happened to the wife or husband in the year prior to the divorce, would the survivor qualify for being a more mature and reliable person?
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 97
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Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 9:46:24 PM
Phoebe - msg 117

People, who were in happy fulfilled marriages, and are suddenly widowed know this most profoundly. One day they are in a loving relationship with a partner and the next day they're not.

Exactly same thing happens in some divorces. One day they are in a loving relationship with a partner and the next day they're not.

Below is the enigma, expressed in a form of a primitive chart:

As we can see, the first phase in both situations is identical. During the entire A-stage there is no indication of impending death or divorce. Both partners are happy (at least in some marriages). The clear delineation of both camps arises only after the unfortunate event (Point B). At point C, the situation is clearly defined, and the judgments are issued.



D E A T H O F O N E P A R T N E R

A---------------------------------------------B--------C
<----- H A P P Y MA R R I A G E ------> DEATH CERTAINTY



D I V O R C E

A---------------------------------------------B-----------C
<----- H A P P Y MA R R I A G E ------> DIVORCE CONFUSION

 ZenBeth
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 98
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/1/2009 9:55:03 PM
Phoebe48 in message 118 you attribute words to me, but I was quoting someone else.

And in message 114 I noted studies dealing with couples who were required to go thru court ordered mediation. Was simply and example. Nothing more.

One man I date, is a law professor and I like reading his various law publiucations and in every one I have read the last year that had articles on marriage and divorces listed the reason people get divorced and every article noted the main reasons were money issues, infidelity, poor communication, change in priorities, kids/job, lack of commitment to the marriage, and sexual problems.

~Beth~
 indefatigabilis
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 99
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 1:32:17 AM
D I V O R C E

A---------------------------------------------B-----------C
<-----------Sex---------------------------> DIVORCE CONFUSION DATING CERTAINTY DEATH

(Adjusted for equivalence.)

 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 100
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 2:54:26 AM

It's interesting that you distinguish between core values and preferences. To my mind, I can still be flexible about preferences, and it is core values that are important. But I think that's always been the case. To my mind, core values are what make the connection, what makes you click with someone, and that is all important. Prefernces, like physical appearance, I'm flexible about that. What his hobbies are or his taste in music,that kind of thing, I'm also flexible about. I think, really, the main thing that makes dating at this age more difficult is that the pool is definitely smaller and that core values probably mean more now than in the past. I'm no longer interested in dating someone just because he's cute and turns me on..


Indeed I can also be very flexible about preferences.. Core values is what will connect me with another person on a more serious level. His hobbies and interests could be vastly different than mine and I could and would certainly embrace those differences.. In fact they will be a welcome addition to my life.

I sometimes think and wonder if people's core values have changed over time. Or if people have ignored them so long they have forgotten what they really are anymore.

I really believe I have not changed a whole lot from when I was a little girl.. Yes I have learned a whole lot more about life but that is about it. I still love and embrace the very same things I did when younger. Perhaps that is what keeps me feeling very much in touch with myself and very much alive.

thecatsmeoww
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