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 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 101
Are we harder to date at Page 5 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Truthfully, I think it's harder for someone like myself to date today because basically I had a good marriage. It scares a lot of guys away because they've come out of lousy or failed relationships/ marriage. I have no idea what they're afraid of? Afterall, my deceased husband is not coming back to haunt them...........unlike their ex-wives.


I think you need to consider their thoughts on the one you once loved out loud. They would much rather you not have these warm fuzzy feelings, because often they do not..

So dating someone that did not have a good relationship in their background might prove difficult. They may well resent it.

thecatsmeoww
 blueyesrsmiling
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 102
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 4:24:52 AM
Most get married when they are young, Young people have no concept of aging and marriages changing. People our age have more understanding about commitment. So yes I am sure that they didn't go in there with the attitude until death we do part. Younger people that get married are still thinking in the here and now. They also don't understand how much they can change in a 20 yr span.......and people do grow apart.
At our age we have more understanding and depth than the younger generation. It is harder today to combine families and combine life styles. I hate being in that category that I am a widow. I use to wear it like a badge I could compare all the wonderful things my husband was....I didn't tell them what he wasn't. It was self justification about not getting involved with someone based on they couldn't live up to my standards in what a man should be.....Ouch for those I dated. I could compare everything wonderful he did. I loved him. But I used him as a shield not to get involved with others....it was self protection. Or so I thought.
I am not writing this to argue this isn't my point. I am writing my experience, strength and hope.
I have changed. I had to learn that no one is going to live up to my standards if I use my husband as the prototype. I put him in the past and focus on the future. I did love him. I do miss him sometimes. But I have had to work on fear whenever I get fearful I do crazy things. This is also the part where we go through different stages of death and dealing with it. People grieve divorces and we have to grieve death. Divorce people go through stages just as we do....both are life changing. Death itself is final there is no taking it back. Divorced people have to deal with each other for years.
But fear infects us all and it doesn't matter whether its through divorce or death. Each of us have a set of problems to deal with regardless if it is a divorce or death. We still have to go through the stages and we still have to deal with it.....
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 103
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Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 5:13:26 AM
Well, the fear issue may well be a driver for some, but for me, the issue is habit. Spend years in a good relationship with someone and you develop all kinds of subtle habits regarding how you live life, how you interact with the other, how you manage social life, how you sleep at night, how you place your toothbrush and in a myriad of other minutiae. The other person disappears for whatever reason, but the habits built up over the years do not. When you begin interacting with a new person, their habits and your habits are not the same, and they grate on each other in the classic psychological cognitive dissonance pattern. You, by your habit, expect a certain outcome to a situation, the other behaves differently, you get unhappy. Psych 101!

It takes years to break the old habits of the previous relationship and more years to learn new habits. Left to yourself you develop your own habits independent of another, and if you spend long enough by yourself, you become "who you really are", and face exactly the same problems should some poor unfortunate happen into your life.

Of course, who you were in the previous relationship is not who you "really are" by yourself, and is not who you might be with some new person in your life. If you really want to be in another deep relationship, you must learn the new habits required. Its a creative act. It will be full of tough moments as you face the reality of your current habits and recognize that they don't work any more in the new situation. You then have to decide where you want to go. Is it a "red flag" you are seeing, or is it something different from what you are used to and can it work?

The more you view things as "red flags", the longer you will have to develop into who you "really are"......
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 104
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 5:33:13 AM

Of course, who you were in the previous relationship is not who you "really are" by yourself, and is not who you might be with some new person in your life. If you really want to be in another deep relationship, you must learn the new habits required. Its a creative act. It will be full of tough moments as you face the reality of your current habits and recognize that they don't work any more in the new situation. You then have to decide where you want to go. Is it a "red flag" you are seeing, or is it something different from what you are used to and can it work?


Now that really summed it up rather nicely...I wonder how many people do see these adjustments as red flags.. hmmm

I do think however the less the adjustments are the easier things will be for you both.

thecatsmeoww
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 105
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Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 5:53:11 AM

I do think however the less the adjustments are the easier things will be for you both.


Indeed, this is true. However, when 2 16 year olds get together, neither arrives with couple related habits based on decades of living with someone else, so they don't have the habits and learn new ones. Mistakes abound, and troubles ensure, and we have the eraly marriage failure rate to thank for all that.

Now consider 2 50-somethings. Three decades each developing unique lives with unique experiences reinforcing unique habits and expectations. What is the real probability of meeting someone that is congruent? I postulate that it is essentially zero.

Yet, success does happen. To my mind, this must be a result of something else. This to me is a result of overcoming the habits of the past, of trading the pain of the dissonance for the rewards of learning a new mutual way. This is a result of a motivation that perceives the rewards of success and suppresses the intrinsic selfishness of knowledge of the past. This is a mutually cooperative endeavour that goes beyond congruence today and towards congruence in the future.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 106
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 6:19:26 AM

Now consider 2 50-somethings. Three decades each developing unique lives with unique experiences reinforcing unique habits and expectations. What is the real probability of meeting someone that is congruent? I postulate that it is essentially zero.


Oh I know people that have done it and succeeded at it so do not believe it is zero. Take for instance my friend Bob who had been single a very long time. His idea of a relationship was to each live in their own space because he was aware of the problem you are addressing. However then he meets a woman and they fall in love. They end up getting married and of course sharing space together.. But I do not think he and his love were that far apart in lifestyle. In fact they were very similar.

I know if I walked into some man's house and saw chaos that would be a huge red flag for me. On the other hand if the place was so clean you could eat off the floor I might also be somewhat considered.. Or if he came in my place and ran his hand down my furniture to see if perchance there was any dust it would be a no go.

I am very organized but not that great with dusting..

thecatsmeoww
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 107
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Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 6:30:52 AM
Well, I think you pretty well confirm my points. Bob the single guy is not much like Bob the married guy, no is he? You can't go from living alone to living with someone without a lot of changes, even if whoever has a lot in common with your. If you share space, at best you only have half of it, which is quite a change from having all of it set up just as you like it.
 peek~a~booo
Joined: 1/3/2007
Msg: 108
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 7:50:36 AM
reguard that is so true...

me thinks untill you discover all of your strength as a single how do you think part of a whole feels.....needy, and quite off balance~not to others but to yourself...
does not matter about the past because the evolve into whole is all about you and how you choose to view your present....
when you keep jumping away from your own individuality and pivoting into others to solve how do you develope into a whole by yourself....many fill empty with things~
-work,kids,hobbies,travel or other human's,grandkids or whatever ~~no matter what you fill your empty parts with are all lessons for you to flag yourself and evolve over them....eventually you realize it is not bad just different...

.so comparing past relationships merely gives you laditude to realize each trip is the same just with different tools to evolve forward from and into the best parts of the whole new you...

confidence is developed in learning your not broken if you choose to stand as an individual and not be weakined but totally astounded that you get to learn more than you ever realized because you evloved to a human who has beautiful in your own character which grows with and over lifes challenges
eventually you respect that transition and look for others who have done the growth and are not reaching to others to feel whole.(divorced or widowed is simply how you Q yourself into total adult without another human breaching your strength)
good grief learning to flag your own azz is the direct reflection of learning every human can be equal when they put flags into themself and learn to laff at your own growth and realize every single human has the same slightly different revelation..

tosses sun upward and a rainbow behind in the corner beside the darkness of the past....hence context and perhaps aawwwwwwwhawwwwwwwwwww momment for someone out there trying to make scence of it all.
keep the faith in yourself lil fish...today is merely a glimmer of how great tomorrow can be...alone or paired makes no matter for your soul generates your future not other people if YOU choose it!!! goodluck lil fish

one foot in yesterday, one foot in tomorrow means you pizz all over today...stop the maddness and put both those feet into today cuz the present is where the cookie crunches ...........stop and relax and enjoy today

takes run and jumps over puddle all by myself see no worries if i fall on my azz i just get back up!!!yeeeeeeeeeeeehawwwwwwwww
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 109
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 7:55:26 AM

If you share space, at best you only have half of it, which is quite a change from having all of it set up just as you like it.


I imagine it would become "our space" a space that we created for both of us..

thecatsmeoww
 Justme_63
Joined: 11/23/2009
Msg: 110
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 8:23:57 AM
What happened to being with someone that you like and enjoy being with??? So many people want to force a relationship and find the 'perfect fit' that they forget to be human beings!
My God, when are we going to finally put down the barriers and just be people? Love is just one by product of life and happiness is the by product of how we live that life.
If you can not be happy alone and are not a 'complete' person what business do you have in joining your life with someone else's?
Dating should not be this much work it's because we put so much pressure into that finding the soul mate thing instead of being ourselves.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 111
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Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 8:32:02 AM
I agree with the "soulmate" thing. To me, that approach is a reflection of selfishness. You look for the perfect match to who you are before you meet such a person. Of course, you don't change, the other must fit in. Nothing creative or growing in that approach. My own view is that such a thing never happens. Its only an illusion. As a couple you are not who you are as a single person, and if you are, then you are not a couple in any true sense.
 wacowboy3
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 112
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 10:30:06 AM
Well I am a little older than 45 but since they dont have a 60's thread here goes.
I find it extremely hard to date at this age. Women any where close to my age , must stay home,because I can never find one to even strike up a conversation with. I have been online on dating sites for some time, but every time I find someone who matches some of the things I like they are either too far away , or not intrested. I just tried to email someone that according to her profile we enjoyed doing all the same things, so I tried to email her here and found out she had blocked me . I got a email from a gal on another site that I had messaged before who told me I looked too much like her ex husband. LOL 2 yrs later she emails me and says that was a silly excuse wasnt it. We have lots in common and I would like to get to know you. So we email and talk on the phone a few times and decide to meet this weekend . Last night I get a email that says I met somone Monday night and we decided we want to see where it goes and I only date one man at a time. WTF LOL While I hadnt considered we had dated yet , what were the emails and phone conversations ? It seems like the grass is always greener for some people especially on the net. Or perhaps its was the fear of me looking like her ex again. I am finding that women in there 50's or 60' s lots of times want a realtioship but have been so screwed over in past relationships that they are afraid to take the chance.
I am not saying this only happens to men as I am sure women come up against the same problems. I email lots of women who state that they share lots of the same intrests that I do, have the same lifestyle, etc but they never return my email , or block me , or come up with some lame excuse, like You look like my ex husband, you live to far away (althought they say they want somone that lives 75 miles or less away and I live 40 lol , or even tho you fit all of the crieteria they email back and say I dont think we are a match LOL Am I bitter? No but it sure gets frustrating at times. Steve
 dave91741
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 113
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 10:58:19 AM
Hey Steve .
I guess it's obvious we are not meeting up to the Pickey peoples core values .I was out Dancin last night and a lady offered me some (free) dance lessons . You know that might be fun ,scarey or both . She knows a few of my friends and seemed nice but hey if I show up I will have to find out the old fashioned way and have a DATE . What are her (((((CORE VALUES !!!!)))).. Does she have ((((((((( ISSUES!!!!!))))))))) People are harder to date they want to have all info without living a life ...RL Dateing is not perfect but better than on-line.

BTW it will be fun and it's not scarey

OMG!!!! She might not be my soul mate!!!@
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 114
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 11:38:25 AM
I think even though we like to claim otherwise,
a lot of us are walking around on tippy toes trying
to do everything right without sacrificing what we
consider our standards to be.

I'm more on guard with people now. I find I watch them
and I really listen, because people are often on their best
behavior when they first meet someone. We have this mental
list in our head and we're just waiting for that one word or
phrase that will launch the dreaded red flag.

I'll admit to being quiet and cautious when meeting someone
for the first time, but anyone that knows me will tell you that
I'm not quiet, I'm not shy, I have no problems expressing myself
and I usually throw caution to the wind.

I guess when we get older our bullshyte meter just goes to a hair
trigger...or maybe that's just me. I don't think I'm harder to date,
I just think I'm smarter than I used to be.

But then again...
What the heck do I know? I'm here treading water with the rest
of you!
 FriendlyFreeSpirit
Joined: 7/27/2009
Msg: 115
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 12:00:59 PM
Circumstances make me a great deal harder to date, but what I'm looking for hasn't changed much at all.
My List of Requirements - as at December 3, 2009:
1. Must have fun together - real fun - lots of laughing. Enjoy hanging out together - a lot.
2. Must have HUGE sexual compatibility and HUGE sexual interest in each other.
3. Be as smart or (better still) smarter than me.
4. LIKE each other (as well as having the hots for each other).
5. Be interested in politics and the world around us.
6. Drives a nice car (JUST KIDDING!!)..lol..

Sounds superficial - but how can love grow without the above (minus the car)?

Of course, nowadays, he'd have to be kid-friendly and willing to drive an hour or so to where I live (but I'll drive too; I'm an equal opportunity dater).
 dave91741
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 116
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 12:31:56 PM

I guess when we get older our bullshyte meter just goes to a hair
trigger...or maybe that's just me.


Yep two gunslingers with hair pin triggers out on a date someone is going down...LOL I don't have a hairpin trigger and it's uncomfortable wondering if the other person has one ... LOL ....People with hairpin Triggers are hard to date or near impossible .

 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 117
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 12:36:50 PM

People with hairpin Triggers are hard to date .....


Why would they be hard to date...unless you're a bullshyter?
I don't hand it out and I don't expect to get any in return.
I just don't waste my time or anyone else's pretending to be
something I'm not or listening to someone who is obviously
talking through his hat.

As I've gotten older...I've grown less patient with wannabees...
hence the "hair trigger".

I'm wicked easy to date...you just need to be a stand up guy.

 dave91741
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 118
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 12:53:55 PM

I'm wicked easy to date...you just need to be a stand up guy.


I honestly hardly ever meet someone who is lieing to me or talking thru there hat after I meet them for a date . The reason I commented on the hairpin trigger I have ran into one who shot first and asked questions later . It was not over any bullsh*ting it was over a bad gunslinger attitude with a hairpin trigger . I was glad they took a shot and are gone .
 ~Heart~Tunes~
Joined: 11/15/2009
Msg: 119
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 1:10:26 PM
My List of Requirements - as at December 3, 2009:
1. Must have fun together - real fun - lots of laughing. Enjoy hanging out together - a lot.
2. Must have HUGE sexual compatibility and HUGE sexual interest in each other.
3. Be as smart or (better still) smarter than me.
4. LIKE each other (as well as having the hots for each other).
5. Be interested in politics and the world around us.


That's pretty good there, FFS. ;) I think we quite agree. I would replace the car with an instantaneous-distance-travel-machine, however.
 wonderinone
Joined: 9/6/2009
Msg: 120
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 1:14:46 PM
I have not found it hard to make some friends, do the "meets and greets".. but to find someone whom I want to spend time with? in the ten years I've been divorced, I've had 4 gf's, first did not count, rebound girl from divorce, 2nd, well...just not for me, third i thuhgt i was in love.....4th? ahh, the 4th was my perfect woman...she hates me now...lol...I have found that it takes a lot to interest me...I no longer just look at the sexual side of it, I look for the connection....that feeling...and I'm finding a world full of women who are so smart, so into what they DON'T want...that they end up going from man to man searching for perfection...and I"m far from perfect...so I guess I'm outta luck.
 amethyst10616
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 121
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Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 2:58:12 PM
I would truly love to find that special someone who I am happier with than I am on my own. I like things simple. Please do not over analyze everything I have said or did/did not do. It is simply what it is and I need for someone to trust that I am as authentic as I say I am.

I think it all boils down to the fact that some of us do not trust our picker as much as we once did because of past disappointments. We are more guarded, even if we do not want to be because we are trying to be wiser in our choices this time.

My approach now is to date for friendship and if something should come it, then good for us. Laughing is necesary, chemistry is a requirement, and having the same core values makes it all so much easier.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 122
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 4:01:30 PM

My approach now is to date for friendship and if something should come it, then good for us. Laughing is necesary, chemistry is a requirement, and having the same core values makes it all so much easier.


That is my approach as well.. I just go out and plan on having a good time, laughing a whole lot and enjoying. I hope he is doing likewise.. If perhaps this friendship catches fire somewhere down the line an added bonus.

thecatsmeoww
 pitbull pete
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 123
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 5:06:19 PM
Have been a member of POF since Sept. 2009. During that time I've been reading the forums and posting pretty intensively.

My mindset with regard to dating and LTR's has changed significantly since last September. Back then I was quite open minded towards the whole game but not now, actually I'm quite soured on the whole thing.

POF is great social research tool.
 Notdesper8atall
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 124
Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 5:50:54 PM
We can often become soured for many reasons. Some are soured becasue of the online experience and some from the offline (or realworld) world of dating. Is it a preferencial choice of standing back and saying I am not gonna do this or is it a core values choice of I could never date anyone like that? Or is it a bit of both.

I know I have at times sat here and scratched my head at thought what the heck am I doing here I will never find anyone compatable this way. Of course I remember that my luck in the offline world at teh time wasnt much better, as I had no information other than gut instincts to go by and yep I also suffer from BPS ( bad picker syndrome) from time to time. Does it make me harder to date? Sometimes yes sometimes no.

Do I know what I want ? Yes I do, but I also temper that with a real world understanding that no one or anything is perfect.. including any relationship. I have come to the understanding that I have changed over the years and things I once found attractive may not hold so much weight with me anymore. I know that compromise will be a part of any relationship even if its just dating. The key is to know how far I am willing to compromise before I begin to breach my core values.

I have found that just because someone doesnt shine right off the bat doesnt mean there is a deeper glow there. Lord knows we all get dusty from time to time. I know sometimes I trip up and fall in the dust at times when making a first impression, so I have to believe this happens to others as well. I knwo they say first impressions are important, but as far as I am concerned its teh lasting impressions that should count for more. I have seen it happen too many times... People who are in search of the "soulmate" concept that they never get past their all important "ME" list to realize that a it should have been a "WE" list they should have made instead.
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 125
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Are we harder to date at
Posted: 12/2/2009 6:26:09 PM
pete - msg 145

My mindset with regard to dating and LTR's has changed significantly since last September. Back then I was quite open minded towards the whole game but not now, actually I'm quite soured on the whole thing.

POF is great social research tool.

Great social research tool?

Only, when it comes to a small group of general population.
And opinions in the fora are expressions of even tinier slice of ... let's say, politely, eclectic group of weird individuals.
And many of those have been advising others in the fine art of online dating for years now.
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