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Show ALL Forums  > British Columbia  > Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?      Home login  
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 Ed Bear
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 26
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Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
People are of infinite variety.

Some people are very work- or family-oriented; some people have very narrow lives focused on only one single person. Not everyone's like that.

This Bear has no family left in country, and friends are very important to me. I have always treasured my female friends,who are also very varied. There is a little spark of affection that knows we're not right for each other but very happy to know each other with some; there's no sexual desire at all with others - some are gay women, too. Even where there's no spark, there are some people I never get together with alone, or in two cases never without their boyfriend along, though nothing has ever been spoken about it.

And of course there are always those with whom there is a mad, passionate physical mutual attraction but no way to get along peacefully for more than an hour or two a year!

YES, I say, it is possible for a sexually functioning man to be a good friend to a woman! It really helps to be a person who has friends who aren't just people they wants something from.
ED BEAR
 Road-Rash
Joined: 2/14/2007
Msg: 27
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 2/20/2010 9:37:58 PM
Its far from impossible. However the type of freindship is very different in most cases. When guys and girls are just friends the mend tend to treat the girls like one of the guys. Unfortunately most woman hate being one of the guys. The same goes in reverse.

As men we don't care about your new dress or about your diet. We are happy that you like these things. That's enough. The best example of this I can think of is the epissode of friends when ross and rachel kiss. The guys ask was there tongue? Cool.

The girls what was he wearing what music was on. We have different views on the world.

Guys are more than willing to be friends. We are just very different from woman and wed really apreciate it if there wasn't some bizzare expectation to behave like women
 RichRoket
Joined: 8/16/2009
Msg: 28
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 2/25/2010 12:22:44 AM
I read that statement with great interest. I am a single man and have great friendships with some pretty awesome women. I can totally be friends with a woman without sex, sex is soo not the end all be all of the universe. When I see a woman, I see her as her not as a sex partner, unless we are dating, like a couple and we both have the same feelings for each other then all is good for each other.

I really don't think everyone should be painted with the same brush as everyone is different.

Guys can totally be friends with women, without sex, and any man who cannot handle that is pretty freakin shallow in my opinion.

Good luck in your hunt,
Peace, Rich
 Vladici
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 29
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 8/7/2011 12:34:48 AM
It's not impossible. At all. I speak from experience.
 enlightenedcaveman
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 30
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Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 8/26/2011 1:39:45 PM
Forgive them for they know not what they do... Biology is biology... it might be helpful to realize that we(men) only just barley have one foot out of the cave on our evolutionary journey.... that we are not mind readers..... and most of us, when all else fails do follow directions... Be specific, if all you want is friendship ask for it..
 Glenoran1
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 31
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 8/26/2011 2:03:09 PM
^^^^
That's something I never understood -- that (to me) foolishness about giving signals. I always believe in saying what I mean, and not putting off something that I feel needs to be said (either something the fellow will like or not, or which I feel needs to be talked out so it won't be an issue between us then or in the future). About 60% of women understand inferentially rather than literally, whereas about 60% of men understand literally rather than inferentially. Needless to say, if only for that reason, misunderstandings abound between the two genders.

But EC, I disagree with your generalization re men being just barely out of the cave. Admittedly, the male hunter roles, both in finding a mate and providing for the family, and the female tendency to be a gatherer and nurturer, are generally basic to our genders. But I've met very few men who I would classify as even slightly troglodytish. Some men (and women) are shallow, childish or just plain stupid, but I haven't met many of these, so have to assume they're in the minority.

With the changing roles of women since World War II, the male of the species has had to quickly undergo drastic revisions to his behaviour and thinking, yet is expected to remain masculine and self-confident. On the whole, I think you men have done an amazing job in an evolutionarily short time. If I was wearing a hat, I would take it off to the average male who, I've discovered, isn't so average after all.
 startingover_57
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 32
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 10/8/2011 7:57:04 PM
I've had a male friend a bit older than me for a few years now...it's been nothing but friendship and we talked about maybe taking the relationship further but decided not to as we didn't want to chance wrecking a good friendship...he knows more about me than my closest girlfriends...
On the other hand,my ex has many female friends..he said he has slept with some of them but there was no sex..hummm...
 SuperFunGuy
Joined: 8/3/2006
Msg: 33
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 10/9/2011 10:47:36 AM
Have to totally disagree. Not impossible. I have a lot of amazing women friends. It's actually simple to have women as just friends. It's kinda nice really.
 NimmyxHuynh
Joined: 9/11/2010
Msg: 34
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 10/11/2011 5:08:07 PM
It really all depends on the guy. A single guy has one goal, to find the woman of his dream (I know, I know, fairy tale stuff), so that he can settle down. Some guys just want to make love and nothing more because they're still young, they still have a few more years before they want to settle down, so why not have fun in the mean time right?

I prefer the friend approach because as friends, you can get to know each other and "test the waters" per se. By "testing the waters" I meant that you can do stuff together and if y'all don't like it, then that's that. Not every guy prefers the casual sex and stuff. It's not hard being friends with guys BUT remember that if the guy likes you, he DOES NOT want to be in the friends zone.
 Mysteriousenigma
Joined: 10/10/2011
Msg: 35
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 10/14/2011 8:36:50 PM
Honestly, it's just the men maybe that you are gearing yourself towards. Not all men want sex believe it or not, a vast majority do but there are some out there that are quite normal if you are smart about how you fish some of these out.
 sageb1
Joined: 2/26/2004
Msg: 36
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Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 10/22/2011 5:27:05 AM
Transference and projection.

The former is because of our parents.

The latter? Our expectations are set way too high.

YMMV
 kindheart9
Joined: 12/23/2010
Msg: 37
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 11/29/2011 8:37:07 PM
Well I am a MAN and I can tell you Men can be just friends with a woman with out ever thinking about wanting sex. I have 4 very good female friends some of them for 20 years. Yes there are some women that I am attracted to and would want to have a relationship with in every way, and then there are other women I love to death as friends only. Maybe its time women admit that they are no different then men. Some are wonderful people some will never figure out how to have a relationship because they always bring the past relationships into the present. And then there are the women out there that use sex to get want they want out of a man and then take off to do it again with another man when they get what they want. So the way I see it everyone is on the same plain Some people are good and some people are users , and believe me women know how to play the game way better then men.
 TuffGuy666
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 38
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 11/29/2011 8:44:37 PM
If you want to be friends with a man, you have to find a man who is not attracted to your physically. Haven't you ever seen "When Harry Met Sally"? When a man is friends with a woman he finds attractive, he wants to bang her. And it gets in the way one way or another. That's reality, hun.
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 39
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Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 11/30/2011 4:53:14 AM
It's only impossible if you base your friendships solely on sexual attraction.

I have many female friends. Some of them I am physically and/or emotionally attracted to, but that's not the basis for our friendship, nor does it mean that we're going to jump in the sack at the drop of a hat. In fact, I've never had sex with any of them, and I'm only interested in casual sex with one of them. Others I might be interested in a romantic relationship, but it's not likely to happen, which is why I'm on this site. But none of that is the basis for our friendships, none of that is why we're friends. Our friendships are based on community (old friends from high school and elementary school), common interests (electronic music, gaming, anime), familiarity (my best friend's little sisters--they're almost like sisters to me), and so on.

Even on this site, I've contact some women--attractive women even--whom I wasn't interested in dating, but was simply interested in friendship and going for a bike ride now and then.

The key here is to separate your friendships from your casual dating. You can easily be just friends with single guys, but once you start dating them or sleeping with them, it becomes something else. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
 lackingbait
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 40
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 12/21/2011 8:35:50 PM
all my best and longest friends are women, some very good looking ones I may add. no expectations one way or the other. But, that kind of relationship takes time to build. Is it possible to meet and become friends like that when we get older? Yup, still happens to me (just ask my roommate). But I will say this, without the proper environment to nurture the devlopment of a friendship, it's difficult.
 breakerhighwasawesome
Joined: 12/20/2011
Msg: 41
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 12/29/2011 1:08:51 AM
Depends on a lot of things, but if your relationship is good, then he won't see you that way ever (like his sister or something). I have a few girls that I've known since I was like 10 and they are super hot now, and I just see them as family.

And on the other hand, men ARE wired to reproduce, so give us a break sometimes. If you're in a bikini or like showing heavy cleavage, he'll look. Doesn't mean he wants to do you, its just reflex.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 42
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 1/6/2012 2:03:18 PM

I have had great frienships with men who are either 20 years older or happily married. A single guy - it is just impossible to be friends with = no sex.


Can I be your friend?

I think it's a biological imperative. It's over two million years of evolution at work, thirty years of men getting in touch with their feelings can't change that.
 adora71
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 43
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 1/6/2012 9:22:00 PM
So interesting! Jealousy popped up in my last relationship over "friendships." Like the OP, I didn't understand how friendships could survive attraction and for the first time in my life--I felt jealous over other women.

Anyways, this year I am going to try getting some male friends to see if a truly platonic relationship is possible between two single people.


There are only 2 reasons when a guy wants a friendship with a girl/woman. She is pretty and he wants to be with such females. He hopes that one day she might become more than just friends.


I don't know if this is true. I think that men sometimes like women to talk to so they can try to figure out other women. My best girlfriend has lots of male friends that call her to chat about their relationships. I am hoping I can be more like her. I would also love to bounce some of my own scenarios off of a man's ear. We'll see how it goes.
Cheers!
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 44
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 1/6/2012 10:43:04 PM
For those convinced that your guy friends are telling you the truth, put it to the test sometime and find out for yourself. If you have him over put on a little music and share a bottle of wine, and tell him you need him to make love to you...boom, there is your answer.

Men will deny this fact too and that is because they are your friends, waiting patiently for their chance. Friendships are relationships too and you all know that. The difference between a good friend and a lover comes down a couple of chemicals in your brain and timing.

Remember hearing those stats about how often sex crosses a man's mind? If you have ever spent more than a couple of minutes with a man, he has thought about you naked. If he denies this, then he's actively hoping to get you naked.

Even if all of your friends are gay men, the thought of having sex with you is still crossing their minds. Just about every gay man I've ever known has had sex with a female friend at least once "just to see what it was like".

Think about it from an evolutionary perspective: Men with the "let's just be friends" gene were elbowed out of the gene pool millions of years ago. All of the men on this planet right now are the successful culmination of carefully selected traits designed to increase their chances of producing offspring.

Apparently fooling gullible women into believing that you don't want sex is a viable strategy? I'd be way more comfortable with a woman who understood that the guys at work want to bone her than someone who insists the opposite.
 adora71
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 45
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 1/6/2012 11:48:03 PM
Hmmmm, it may be that somewhere in the back of their mind they are thinking about sex but does that mean that they can't be a real friend? Or are they just biding time, like the earlier post said?

In your scenario with the wine, the girl is actually asking to be made love to. Doesn't that kind of change the whole dynamic?

I am starting to wonder about my whole strategy of trying to befriend men.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 46
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 1/7/2012 1:58:57 AM
I'm sorry if I'm making you feel badly, that isn't my intention. Most of my friends are women, beautiful, intelligent and alluring women, and yes, from time to time my mind strays...I won't deny it. Friends and lovers share many of the same qualities. That doesn't mean that we can't be friends. Now these are my married friends that I'm talking about.

Then there are the exes. I tend to remain friends with many exes although that changed when I got married. Those friendships remain sexually charged even when the sex is not an option. Once you've shared that intimacy, it changes the nature of the relationship forever.

Then there are single women. These are the ones I'm primarily talking about when I say men and women aren't really "friends" in the same sense that you would be a friend to someone that you wouldn't ever have sex with. It's the same kind of attraction in my mind but as long as people accept it, you can easily move on with things. When people are trying to deny it, it sounds like they are hiding something, maybe from themselves?

Having feelings doesn't mean we have to act on them. It's the choices people make and their actions that matter to me, not so much what they fantasize about. I just consider unwanted feelings like that to be a rush of chemicals that will pass in a few moments. If it's appropriate, then I'll go and do something about it.
 HIV_STRAIGHT_GUY
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 47
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 1/7/2012 5:32:23 PM

I have had great frienships with men who are either 20 years older


Obviously it is not!!!??? I'll be friends with you 'cause we can't have sex ... I'm HIV Positive
 Sweet_Lalla
Joined: 1/8/2012
Msg: 48
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 2/6/2012 11:24:13 PM
It is possible. I have had male friends and our relationship was not sexual at all. I know it is not very common, but it does exist.
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 49
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 2/7/2012 8:35:01 AM
It's not impossible even if he does find you physically attractive.

It's also not impossible to win the lottery.

It CAN happen !
 Georgygirl7
Joined: 5/20/2011
Msg: 50
Why is it impossible to just be frineds with a man?
Posted: 2/28/2012 1:30:15 PM
Back in ..'the day' Marshal McCluhan said ....'Define your terms'
Friendship in the 'pof' context could mean
slow down,,,don't move to fast
try to make the morning last
Friendship....in 'this' day could mean lots of things
For me...friendship is a foundation
and the kind of house I build on top of that foundation....well I'll know later
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