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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > adopted = no children ... wait, what?      Home login  
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 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 26
adopted = no children ... wait, what? Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
This guy sounds like a real sleaze.Adopted or not the children you raise from birth are your children. I can't believe this piece of crap is denying his own kids! By all means if anyone you know dates him let them know he has kids. However seeing as it is a small town then they are going to find out anyway.
 TheReason_
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 27
view profile
History
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 8:06:07 PM
Ok here's my situation.

I don't have any kids of my own. I have 2 ex-stepkids. They were 9 and 12 when my ex and I met. They are 20 and 22 now. We still keep in contact, get together to hang out, supper etc. I consider them "my boys" even though technically we aren't really anything to each other, since I am no longer their stepfather, they are no longer my stepchildren.



Do I then, have children?
 Sun_Devil_92
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 28
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 8:21:41 PM
OP, do you know any of the details of the divorce? Is there any possibility that she (the ex-wife) has asked him to frankly "walk away" so that he doesn't confuse the children with his presence?

I agree - it is a stretch, but I guess I could see a guy doing that in order for the welfare of the children, and as much as it might pain him.

I'm not meaning to nominate him for sainthood ... just that imalitltpot might have something in contacting him via e-mail in order to get all of the details. The bad things about feet is that at times we can have a tendency to stick them in our mouth when we don't know all of the details, and I'm definitely not immune to it myself ...
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 29
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/2/2009 9:23:38 PM

I don't have any kids of my own. I have 2 ex-stepkids. They were 9 and 12 when my ex and I met. They are 20 and 22 now. We still keep in contact, get together to hang out, supper etc. I consider them "my boys" even though technically we aren't really anything to each other, since I am no longer their stepfather, they are no longer my stepchildren.



Do I then, have children?



You never adopted them and I am sure they have a father somewhere in the picture who did not sign away his rights, so no you do not have children.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 30
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/3/2009 12:45:29 AM
Interesting history there, TheReason! And truly heartwarming to see you maintain a nice relationship with these young men.

I think you don't have children if there's no one in your life you'd introduce as "My son, [insert name]," or "My daughter, [insert name]." It seems unlikely you'd do this given the loosely familial bond here... so, I agree, no, you don't have kids.

But you do have a great bonus in your life thanks to that marriage!
 DaveInMableton
Joined: 6/2/2008
Msg: 31
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/3/2009 2:24:03 AM

You never adopted them and I am sure they have a father somewhere in the picture who did not sign away his rights, so no you do not have children.


Seriously??

I married a women who had a 7 year old (dated from when she was 4.5). Was married for 20 years. I was never able to adopt my daughter as her father was still in the picture and is actually a very nice guy. After the divorce, I still consider her my daugther and list myself as having children!! Yes, her "real" father is still in the picture and is also her father. Nothing wrong with having two dads!!
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 32
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/3/2009 2:33:13 AM

Seriously??


Yes.Seriously!


I married a women who had a 7 year old (dated from when she was 4.5). Was married for 20 years. I was never able to adopt my daughter as her father was still in the picture and is actually a very nice guy. After the divorce, I still consider her my daugther and list myself as having children!! Yes, her "real" father is still in the picture and is also her father. Nothing wrong with having two dads!!



You admit that her father was still in the picture therefore being a father to his daughter so no you were not her father.You were her stepfather not her dad. You did not adopt this child and her father was still very much around so yeah, seriously! she is not your daughter. You may love her and she may love you, but that does not make you her dad.
 DaveInMableton
Joined: 6/2/2008
Msg: 33
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/3/2009 2:51:47 AM
Well, to each their own I guess :-) I will still continue to list that I have children, introduce her as my daughter (Which she likes), and will still continue to regard her as my own (as well as his).

There is no way I would deny her as mine at this point.
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 34
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/3/2009 5:13:57 AM

there is a vast deference between knowing for sure.... and being sure of what you know...
and like you said you only know him well enough to say hello, but not well enough to be sure that it is not someone else.


No - I said that we are not close. I see him several times a week. I see his ex maybe once a week. I am friends with people he is related to (as are my children). In fact I am in one of the group pictures he uses in his profile (he cropped it to be just him). So... there is no doubt whatsoever that this is him.



What do I say to the "interested parties"? When a friend says hey do you know this guy?

well the truth would be... not really!
one more thing in small towns it is common to use a close by town as ones location... mainly because of people that like their noses in everyones business!


The truth is that I do know him. I could pass along his number or email or home address. I could tell you where he went to school, his profession, what car he drives, favorite sports team, etc. We are in the same social circle. I don't care what he chooses to put on his profile. My only issue was that when asked specifically "what do you think of him?" my opinion honestly changed when I saw that he didn't say that he has children. It left me in a spot. I always liked him well enough but that really threw me for a loop. It is just awkward.

It is a moot point now. At least as far as my friends go they all know. I got the text yesterday and then last night someone else brought up that HE had seen his profile and couldn't believe the no children thing.

You are correct about small towns. I try my best to stay out of the loop but sometimes it is harder than others.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 35
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/3/2009 6:01:24 PM

You admit that her father was still in the picture therefore being a father to his daughter so no you were not her father.You were her stepfather not her dad. You did not adopt this child and her father was still very much around so yeah, seriously! she is not your daughter. You may love her and she may love you, but that does not make you her dad.


Wow! What on earth makes you think you have the right to define other people's families for them?!

OP: Looks like a moot point now, but I concur with general consensus on his douchebag status. I also think that, when friends interested in someone you know ask you what you think of that person, that's your opening to tell them. I once asked a friend about an interest and was told, "Yeah, I've never had a problem with him." Found out later he was being sued (again) for not paying child support and there were many good reasons his ex-wife had left him. The relationship I had with him was not good or healthy, and had my friend told me a bit more of what he knew when I'd asked, I'd have opted out entirely. So, yes: in these situations, I vote for honesty.
 Sun_Devil_92
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 36
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/3/2009 7:09:37 PM

The truth is that I do know him. I could pass along his number or email or home address. I could tell you where he went to school, his profession, what car he drives, favorite sports team, etc. We are in the same social circle.

Ok then, please tell me the details of his divorce ... in the most minute case, expecially when it comes to the final custody agreement of the adopted children. After all, doesn't that hold more validity to the situation than what you quoted above.

I don't care what he chooses to put on his profile. My only issue was that when asked specifically "what do you think of him?" my opinion honestly changed when I saw that he didn't say that he has children. It left me in a spot.

Well, then the above is an contradiction, right? After all, if you don't care what he puts in his profile, then your opinion shouldn't have changed about him. And if opinion really changed about him, then you really cared what he put in his profile.

I always liked him well enough but that really threw me for a loop. It is just awkward.

Well, if this is how you really feel about him, don't you think he deserves that you ask him about the situation and thus give you a chance to explain things - you know, give him the benefit of the doubt and treat him how you would like others to treat you. For example, after your friends text you, I wonder what scandalous and juicy stuff they discussed that was about you ...

And I think that if you *really, really* had to discuss things before talking to him, what dawn1114 noted *might* be the way to go ... I'd still talk to him first personally to eliminate any false beliefs, but that is me ...
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 37
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/7/2009 12:36:49 PM

Shoot. I have a bonus child. I have not adopted him but if we're divying him up into little bits of legal property he's mine, bought and paid for. If you need a legal theory to rub up against look up "in loco parentis" or "parens patriae" - and hell - since I will have known him for 15 years by the time you start your lawsuit I'll throw in "adverse possession" too! (That last was tongue in cheek btw. Which cheek I ain't sayin'.)

Courts have recognized non-parent males as biological fathers for child support purposes for the mere act of 'holding themselves out' as the father, or for failing to reject the mother's claim that they are the father. If a man is willing to fill those boots I see no reason short of sheer maliciousness to say otherwise.



Just because you love a child does not make you his/her father. As for the legalities, well those pieces of paper are very important things to people.Doesn't much matter if you go all the way through medical school if you have no proof of graduation no one will hire you even though it's just a piece of paper. Anyway if these children have fathers in the picture who are a part of their children's lives then I can't imagine any parent liking the fact that someone else is running around claiming their child.I don't have children, but if I did and some other woman was going around claiming my child as her she would find herself hairless pretty quick.
 ~Pedro Sanchez~
Joined: 10/5/2009
Msg: 38
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/8/2009 4:20:23 AM

A couple I know got divorced. He is apparently checking out the internet dating scene. His profile states that he has no children but would like them someday. He and his wife have two adopted children. I have no idea what the particulars of custody are. I have never been too close to either of them but do know them well enough that we know numbers, emails etc of each other. I do know that I feel these are his children and have been since the decision to adopt. I know that if he chooses on his stats to say he is childless that is his business....


Apart from some bias, is it really that unreasonable of an assumption for the guy who's been married then divorced to not be as suave in writing his profile? Was he really lying? If he doesn't have custody and technically (used with caution) he is not the father biologically?

Some of us may not see the complexity of such issue...hooray.

Give him a break. Some people, especially those newly divorced are not about to open their lives on a dating profile...especially if he's just checking out the internet dating scene, as you put it. Maybe he is not taking the profile seriously like some legal document. Maybe he plans to expound on his family situation after 3 dates...who knows.

At first read of the OP, I did thought he was a douche, now I just think he's new to the scene....nothing sinister it seems. Unless this guy is incredibly dumb, to be doing such in a small town where everybody is bound to pick up on his lies....all 425 of the town folk.

Nothing wrong in raising the issue with him the next time you run into him at the butcher or something. I mean its awkward, but perfectly okay to by prying into people's business in a small town. Isn't that the norm?
 Leagueofextraordinarymen
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 39
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/8/2009 4:50:50 AM
I agree with another poster, you are calling this man a liar with out knowing all the facts, shame on you!
Do you see how others have jumped to the conclusion that this guy in now being called a douchebag, he could be one of the nicest guys on here.
You have now made it your business, so now you will have to live with the consequences of the small town drama. Others have said confront him!!! what the! its none of OP's business. I think its going to be more of him wanting to confront the OP.JMO.
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 40
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/8/2009 5:04:24 AM
Make your own decisions. Saw him last night.

Him - hey, what's up?
Me - you know, ssdd
Him - yup
Me - so, you came up on my Daily 5 on Match *hahaha*
Him - yeah, you came up on mine *hahaha* He asked couple of questions about my "luck" on there
Me - I answer the questions and give a shameless plug for POF and ask do you really want to have more children?
Him - probably not but I am looking for younger girls and that is what they want to hear
Me - oh. you also said you don't have kids... not to be nosy but too late... what gives with that? I see you guys together all the time (him and his kids).
Him - well... I figured they want to hear that too *hahahaha*
Me - *No hahahaha*

The above is paraphrased but extremely close to being spot on.
 Leagueofextraordinarymen
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 41
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/8/2009 5:11:09 AM
How convenient was that. Just sayin!
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 42
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/8/2009 5:13:45 AM

Just because you love a child does not make you his/her father. As for the legalities, well those pieces of paper are very important things to people.Doesn't much matter if you go all the way through medical school if you have no proof of graduation no one will hire you even though it's just a piece of paper. Anyway if these children have fathers in the picture who are a part of their children's lives then I can't imagine any parent liking the fact that someone else is running around claiming their child.I don't have children, but if I did and some other woman was going around claiming my child as her she would find herself hairless pretty quick.


My ex is engaged, and his daughter will have a step-mother soon. She will likely become a parent to his daughter. I can't imagine anyone having an issue with that, the daughter's mother included--I mean, if you had kids and your ex got remarried, wouldn't you *hope* that your kids would form a warm and lasting bond with the new spouse?! I don't see how that in any way takes from the relationship with the bio-parents. I would want my kids to be loved and cherished by the parent figures in their lives, and I can't imagine someone playing that role in a child's life and then just letting go because they didn't share blood.

OP: Wow, this guy sounds like a huge and major loser. I'm definitely in favor of warning your friends off of him!
 Leagueofextraordinarymen
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 43
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/8/2009 2:10:11 PM
So "she" says! I just find this all a little too contrived , like I said in my post above "how convenient" , after the fact. I use this tactic often to drag out the unwitting, I'm just sayin.... my spidey senses are tingling on this one
 bethesdafoodie
Joined: 1/2/2012
Msg: 44
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 2/16/2012 3:13:48 PM
I'm so confused... If everyone knows everyone and it really is a small town.... Why is everyone on the dating site?

I mean, if it's such a close knit community, wouldn't everyone know "bob" is single?

Seems like a waste of money to be on Match or a pay to play site.

That said, wow there was a lot of jumping to conclusions going on in the first two pages of the thread.... He's a scum bag,douchebag, etc all based on presumptions about his custodial role in the adopted kids lives?

Ya'll love a good witch hunt dontcha?
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 45
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 3/1/2012 10:09:32 AM
Holy thread resurrection Batman!


I'm so confused... If everyone knows everyone and it really is a small town.... Why is everyone on the dating site?


Because we want to meet people who don't live here.


I mean, if it's such a close knit community, wouldn't everyone know "bob" is single?


Good lord yes. Sometimes we know "bob" is single before he knows.


Seems like a waste of money to be on Match or a pay to play site.


It was an absolute waste of money. I did the 6 mos and they gave me 6 mos free because I didn't meet anyone.


That said, wow there was a lot of jumping to conclusions going on in the first two pages of the thread.... He's a scum bag,douchebag, etc all based on presumptions about his custodial role in the adopted kids lives?


There was. Here is what I now know (since this was ages ago and it is a small town). He and his former wife did adopt the children together. They do share custody. He does consider himself their father (of course) and behaves as such in all ways .... except for the mentioning he has children on a dating site part. *shrug* Draw y0ur own conclusions.
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 46
view profile
History
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 3/1/2012 11:29:34 AM
I am against even using the word "adopted" when discussing his family situation. "They have two kids" should suffice.

What if they are one of those families who have chosen not to tell the kids they're adopted......something I strongly disagree with, but that's their business. By telling people "they have two ADOPTED kids" might open up a whole can of worms for the kids. They have enough crap going on in their lives with their parents divorcing already. If they don't know they're adopted, they don't need to find out via the town grapevine.

And, even if they do know, we adoptees are not freaks because mom and dad didn't do the nasty and make us. No special designation has to be made. We're their kids. They have two kids. Period. If anyone does ask, just state the facts and let them draw their own conclusions about the douchebaggeriness of the dad and his dating life.

@domo31.....I truly commend you for being strong enough and loving your babies enough to let them have the chance to have a better life than you feel you could have given them. :) I think for the sake of a dating site, putting "no children" would suffice, since you are not raising them and they have been legally adopted by another family. To me, that information falls under the classification of "deep and personal, and if you choose to, you can discuss the personal details at a later date with someone you may become seriously involved with and are contemplating a permanent future with. No one else really needs to know unless you choose to tell them.
 damsel19
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 47
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 3/1/2012 12:29:41 PM
Yes I would send an email to him and let him know. However any woman that dates him will soon find out the truth I am sure. We know that we have to contend with all sorts here.
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 48
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 7/3/2012 10:29:56 AM
That's just weird. I have three stepchildren. I suppose I could say in my profile that I have no children because I am only guardian of the youngest and have not biologically fathered any, but that would be a misrepresentation of both my heart and my reality.
 MyHandsHurt
Joined: 4/9/2012
Msg: 49
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 7/3/2012 11:10:53 AM
Sounds like he found a loophole to feed his needs. Technically and biologically, this man has sired no children.

Adoption = Loophole

As for giving opinions? Give these ladies your honest opinion, for they have asked you. As you have mentioned, you live in a small town, so it makes perfectly good sense.
 Puppydog54
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 50
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 7/3/2012 11:44:24 AM
Domo... I don't think you're a horrible person either. We all do what we have to do to survive.
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