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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > adopted = no children ... wait, what?      Home login  
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 Sun_Devil_92
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 36
adopted = no children ... wait, what? Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

The truth is that I do know him. I could pass along his number or email or home address. I could tell you where he went to school, his profession, what car he drives, favorite sports team, etc. We are in the same social circle.

Ok then, please tell me the details of his divorce ... in the most minute case, expecially when it comes to the final custody agreement of the adopted children. After all, doesn't that hold more validity to the situation than what you quoted above.

I don't care what he chooses to put on his profile. My only issue was that when asked specifically "what do you think of him?" my opinion honestly changed when I saw that he didn't say that he has children. It left me in a spot.

Well, then the above is an contradiction, right? After all, if you don't care what he puts in his profile, then your opinion shouldn't have changed about him. And if opinion really changed about him, then you really cared what he put in his profile.

I always liked him well enough but that really threw me for a loop. It is just awkward.

Well, if this is how you really feel about him, don't you think he deserves that you ask him about the situation and thus give you a chance to explain things - you know, give him the benefit of the doubt and treat him how you would like others to treat you. For example, after your friends text you, I wonder what scandalous and juicy stuff they discussed that was about you ...

And I think that if you *really, really* had to discuss things before talking to him, what dawn1114 noted *might* be the way to go ... I'd still talk to him first personally to eliminate any false beliefs, but that is me ...
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 37
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/7/2009 12:36:49 PM

Shoot. I have a bonus child. I have not adopted him but if we're divying him up into little bits of legal property he's mine, bought and paid for. If you need a legal theory to rub up against look up "in loco parentis" or "parens patriae" - and hell - since I will have known him for 15 years by the time you start your lawsuit I'll throw in "adverse possession" too! (That last was tongue in cheek btw. Which cheek I ain't sayin'.)

Courts have recognized non-parent males as biological fathers for child support purposes for the mere act of 'holding themselves out' as the father, or for failing to reject the mother's claim that they are the father. If a man is willing to fill those boots I see no reason short of sheer maliciousness to say otherwise.



Just because you love a child does not make you his/her father. As for the legalities, well those pieces of paper are very important things to people.Doesn't much matter if you go all the way through medical school if you have no proof of graduation no one will hire you even though it's just a piece of paper. Anyway if these children have fathers in the picture who are a part of their children's lives then I can't imagine any parent liking the fact that someone else is running around claiming their child.I don't have children, but if I did and some other woman was going around claiming my child as her she would find herself hairless pretty quick.
 ~Pedro Sanchez~
Joined: 10/5/2009
Msg: 38
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/8/2009 4:20:23 AM

A couple I know got divorced. He is apparently checking out the internet dating scene. His profile states that he has no children but would like them someday. He and his wife have two adopted children. I have no idea what the particulars of custody are. I have never been too close to either of them but do know them well enough that we know numbers, emails etc of each other. I do know that I feel these are his children and have been since the decision to adopt. I know that if he chooses on his stats to say he is childless that is his business....


Apart from some bias, is it really that unreasonable of an assumption for the guy who's been married then divorced to not be as suave in writing his profile? Was he really lying? If he doesn't have custody and technically (used with caution) he is not the father biologically?

Some of us may not see the complexity of such issue...hooray.

Give him a break. Some people, especially those newly divorced are not about to open their lives on a dating profile...especially if he's just checking out the internet dating scene, as you put it. Maybe he is not taking the profile seriously like some legal document. Maybe he plans to expound on his family situation after 3 dates...who knows.

At first read of the OP, I did thought he was a douche, now I just think he's new to the scene....nothing sinister it seems. Unless this guy is incredibly dumb, to be doing such in a small town where everybody is bound to pick up on his lies....all 425 of the town folk.

Nothing wrong in raising the issue with him the next time you run into him at the butcher or something. I mean its awkward, but perfectly okay to by prying into people's business in a small town. Isn't that the norm?
 Leagueofextraordinarymen
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 39
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/8/2009 4:50:50 AM
I agree with another poster, you are calling this man a liar with out knowing all the facts, shame on you!
Do you see how others have jumped to the conclusion that this guy in now being called a douchebag, he could be one of the nicest guys on here.
You have now made it your business, so now you will have to live with the consequences of the small town drama. Others have said confront him!!! what the! its none of OP's business. I think its going to be more of him wanting to confront the OP.JMO.
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 40
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/8/2009 5:04:24 AM
Make your own decisions. Saw him last night.

Him - hey, what's up?
Me - you know, ssdd
Him - yup
Me - so, you came up on my Daily 5 on Match *hahaha*
Him - yeah, you came up on mine *hahaha* He asked couple of questions about my "luck" on there
Me - I answer the questions and give a shameless plug for POF and ask do you really want to have more children?
Him - probably not but I am looking for younger girls and that is what they want to hear
Me - oh. you also said you don't have kids... not to be nosy but too late... what gives with that? I see you guys together all the time (him and his kids).
Him - well... I figured they want to hear that too *hahahaha*
Me - *No hahahaha*

The above is paraphrased but extremely close to being spot on.
 Leagueofextraordinarymen
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 41
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/8/2009 5:11:09 AM
How convenient was that. Just sayin!
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 42
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/8/2009 5:13:45 AM

Just because you love a child does not make you his/her father. As for the legalities, well those pieces of paper are very important things to people.Doesn't much matter if you go all the way through medical school if you have no proof of graduation no one will hire you even though it's just a piece of paper. Anyway if these children have fathers in the picture who are a part of their children's lives then I can't imagine any parent liking the fact that someone else is running around claiming their child.I don't have children, but if I did and some other woman was going around claiming my child as her she would find herself hairless pretty quick.


My ex is engaged, and his daughter will have a step-mother soon. She will likely become a parent to his daughter. I can't imagine anyone having an issue with that, the daughter's mother included--I mean, if you had kids and your ex got remarried, wouldn't you *hope* that your kids would form a warm and lasting bond with the new spouse?! I don't see how that in any way takes from the relationship with the bio-parents. I would want my kids to be loved and cherished by the parent figures in their lives, and I can't imagine someone playing that role in a child's life and then just letting go because they didn't share blood.

OP: Wow, this guy sounds like a huge and major loser. I'm definitely in favor of warning your friends off of him!
 Leagueofextraordinarymen
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 43
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 12/8/2009 2:10:11 PM
So "she" says! I just find this all a little too contrived , like I said in my post above "how convenient" , after the fact. I use this tactic often to drag out the unwitting, I'm just sayin.... my spidey senses are tingling on this one
 bethesdafoodie
Joined: 1/2/2012
Msg: 44
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 2/16/2012 3:13:48 PM
I'm so confused... If everyone knows everyone and it really is a small town.... Why is everyone on the dating site?

I mean, if it's such a close knit community, wouldn't everyone know "bob" is single?

Seems like a waste of money to be on Match or a pay to play site.

That said, wow there was a lot of jumping to conclusions going on in the first two pages of the thread.... He's a scum bag,douchebag, etc all based on presumptions about his custodial role in the adopted kids lives?

Ya'll love a good witch hunt dontcha?
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 45
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 3/1/2012 10:09:32 AM
Holy thread resurrection Batman!


I'm so confused... If everyone knows everyone and it really is a small town.... Why is everyone on the dating site?


Because we want to meet people who don't live here.


I mean, if it's such a close knit community, wouldn't everyone know "bob" is single?


Good lord yes. Sometimes we know "bob" is single before he knows.


Seems like a waste of money to be on Match or a pay to play site.


It was an absolute waste of money. I did the 6 mos and they gave me 6 mos free because I didn't meet anyone.


That said, wow there was a lot of jumping to conclusions going on in the first two pages of the thread.... He's a scum bag,douchebag, etc all based on presumptions about his custodial role in the adopted kids lives?


There was. Here is what I now know (since this was ages ago and it is a small town). He and his former wife did adopt the children together. They do share custody. He does consider himself their father (of course) and behaves as such in all ways .... except for the mentioning he has children on a dating site part. *shrug* Draw y0ur own conclusions.
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 46
view profile
History
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 3/1/2012 11:29:34 AM
I am against even using the word "adopted" when discussing his family situation. "They have two kids" should suffice.

What if they are one of those families who have chosen not to tell the kids they're adopted......something I strongly disagree with, but that's their business. By telling people "they have two ADOPTED kids" might open up a whole can of worms for the kids. They have enough crap going on in their lives with their parents divorcing already. If they don't know they're adopted, they don't need to find out via the town grapevine.

And, even if they do know, we adoptees are not freaks because mom and dad didn't do the nasty and make us. No special designation has to be made. We're their kids. They have two kids. Period. If anyone does ask, just state the facts and let them draw their own conclusions about the douchebaggeriness of the dad and his dating life.

@domo31.....I truly commend you for being strong enough and loving your babies enough to let them have the chance to have a better life than you feel you could have given them. :) I think for the sake of a dating site, putting "no children" would suffice, since you are not raising them and they have been legally adopted by another family. To me, that information falls under the classification of "deep and personal, and if you choose to, you can discuss the personal details at a later date with someone you may become seriously involved with and are contemplating a permanent future with. No one else really needs to know unless you choose to tell them.
 damsel19
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 47
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 3/1/2012 12:29:41 PM
Yes I would send an email to him and let him know. However any woman that dates him will soon find out the truth I am sure. We know that we have to contend with all sorts here.
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 48
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 7/3/2012 10:29:56 AM
That's just weird. I have three stepchildren. I suppose I could say in my profile that I have no children because I am only guardian of the youngest and have not biologically fathered any, but that would be a misrepresentation of both my heart and my reality.
 MyHandsHurt
Joined: 4/9/2012
Msg: 49
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 7/3/2012 11:10:53 AM
Sounds like he found a loophole to feed his needs. Technically and biologically, this man has sired no children.

Adoption = Loophole

As for giving opinions? Give these ladies your honest opinion, for they have asked you. As you have mentioned, you live in a small town, so it makes perfectly good sense.
 Puppydog54
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 50
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 7/3/2012 11:44:24 AM
Domo... I don't think you're a horrible person either. We all do what we have to do to survive.
 Merdave
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 51
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 7/3/2012 2:42:38 PM
Honestly?
I think I'm glad the OP is not my neighbor...
 cade472
Joined: 3/28/2013
Msg: 52
view profile
History
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 4/7/2013 8:54:37 PM
You hit the head of the nail KitKat. What are people thinking. In correlation with the topic here, I don't know why a person would claim they don't have kids when they are raising adopted children. I guess they think that would impede their ability to get a date. The flip side is, I'm assuming there is at least a guardian bond with the kids and any date he gets is going to find out about them anyway, guess what she is going to think. In addition I would like to say most profiles sound the same, I know this is a little off the subject. Ok, so a profile proclaims honesty, loving, caring and then there are the demands of affection. I get the fact that a person has to write expressively, but no one should actually believe it fully until getting to know the person. Thats where reality and the risk of dissapointment show through. I know for a fact (being on earth as long as I have) that the law of averages is going to kick in. 80 percent of these profiles I'm reading describe themselves as coloring inside the lines perfect. People need to be aware of the human factor. Just like there can be lies in omission, there can be lies in exageration(don't know if I spelled that right). Some profiles sound as if they are reading off of a cue card. With the requirements in some profiles I'm reading between the lines that indicate baggage. I'm no expert and I'm not decharacterizing anyone. Lets just try to be real people.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 53
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 4/8/2013 7:03:20 AM
Not sure why being honest would be such an issue if they are soliciting your input.
 tallbrowneyedlady
Joined: 11/22/2012
Msg: 54
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 4/8/2013 11:22:57 AM
I think you should mind your own business. If asked, just say "I am not interested in gossiping".
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 55
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 4/8/2013 11:39:10 AM
This thread is from 2009. I don't even think the guy lives around here anymore. Haven't seen him in a few years. For anyone that cares I actually mentioned to him that I had seen his profile on match and wondered what was up with the "no children". He stammered and looked sheepish. I didn't push him for an explanation. I don't care why he did it. My only issue was how to handle it when directly asked. As I don't think he lives here anymore it is a moot point.

It is one thing when a thread is resurrected because it is on topic for a person's legitimate interests but it is a whole other ballgame when it is resurrected in order for a person to grandstand for attention.
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 56
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 4/8/2013 5:30:34 PM
I divorced my ex in the middle adopting 2 children. The adoption agency did not want him on the adoption so I adopted them solo.

I can say so many bad things about the ex, but he treats them as his own children. He does not financial support them, although, he promise he would at their adoption hearing. He also treats my son from before we married as his son too. He equally included all 5 children in his will(not that he has anything). We have a son we adopted together, one biological child, I have a son from before and I adopted the last 2 alone.

Unless you know the whole circumstance I would refrain from talking about the couple and their children. It is highly possible they planned to divorce prior to the adoption and he stuck with it because of the adoption.

Often men don't count children to be their own unless they are biological children that live with them. I have met men who said they had zero kids only to find they had kids later. I have met men who don't consider adopted children their children.

I think talking about people is not nice. If you want to know why he says no kids go ask him. You don't need to lie just tell people their business is not your business. If people ask questions about him just tell then they should go ask him for an explanation.

The judge had a full understanding of our situation and he took one picture with me and all my children then he invited him up for a second picture.
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 57
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 4/8/2013 5:57:04 PM
What i say.. would depend exactly on what i REALLY know.. and who I am talking to about it.

I mean.. if my best friend asked me.. i would say whatever i was thinking.. negative or positive. Its not gossip.. its my thoughts and opinion.. and its just between her and I.

BUT.. if it were a "lighter weight" friend.. i would choose my words carefully. Anything I should say to her.. would be anything i would say in FRONT of him. I suppose i could point out he has two kids but.. I don't know why he skipped them?..
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 58
view profile
History
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 4/8/2013 7:35:02 PM
This is not difficult. Simply tell whoever asks you what you know. Do not be sucked into hearsay, innuendo, or speculation. Simply state the facts that you know, and leave any speculating up to whoever asked.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 59
adopted = no children ... wait, what?
Posted: 4/9/2013 6:46:22 PM
spot4username- If you all live in this small town, how come they don't already know that he has these children?
I would be honest, but keep it simple. Yes, I know him, all I really know is he's divorced and has two kids.
Tread carefully, if this is a place that is so small that everybody knows almost everybody and you say too much, you are asking for trouble.
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