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 Malice From Wonderland
Joined: 11/20/2009
Msg: 6
what is normal and what is crazy?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Anyone who desperately wants to get married has issues, in my opinion. 4 and a half months; if any man suggested marriage that fast to me I would be concerned. It takes time to know someone. And being in a hurry to marry could end up in a fast divorce. You cannot make anyone fall in love. It will either happen or it won't. What the hell are you pressured about? You will know when that type of topic should come up. Good way to scare the guy off. We all want to fall in love. But falling in love and long term commitment should happen effortlessly; not dating in 4 or 5 months. This reminds me of those women you see on Jerry Springer on stage wearing wedding gowns "omg I want to get married and I feel pressured". SCARY. No joke.
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 8
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/3/2009 6:52:48 PM
I had a friend who had a young son, that met a guy(co-worker who did know she existed) they dated for 3 weeks... week 4 were married. Fast forward 3 yrs later they have two more children and still married. Crazy works sometimes.
Joined: 8/24/2009
Msg: 9
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/3/2009 8:20:21 PM
What's the worst that can happen? He will know how you feel. The worst is that will scare him away and leave you free to find someone who will commit to marriage.

I think that having a child changes the game for you. You can't date casually. It's probably not good to see Mom with millions of boyfriends (exaggerating of course!).

And a mature man should look at you and your kid as a family who needs emotional support, rather than a main squeeze who happens to have a child.

You have a responsibility, but don't think of it as a chore. Try not to feel too desperate; life is a beautiful adventure.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 10
view profile
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/3/2009 8:35:07 PM

I am already 32 and feel pressured. Does anyone else feel this way and is this normal to discuss with a guy I am dating?

The pressure you are feeling is completely self-inflicted, so knock it If you have goals and personal ambitions you want to fulfill regarding marriage and children, approach your SO with those desires from that perspective, that this is what you want, as opposed to the whole "where do you see this going?" angle. "Where is this going?" is going to make HIM feel pressured, and maybe scare him off. Its all in the way you communicate with one another.

What I see here is that, unless you talk to him, its all about what YOU want. You also have to realize that life doesn't always turn out the way you plan, and come to terms with that. An example from my own life...I'd like to have another child, always wanted to since I became a weekend dad back when my son's mom and I split when he was still a baby (I was too, just 22). I've dated plenty, but haven't ever found the right person, even after I got remarried at 40. At my age now, I've had to realize that its unlikely and might not happen, and I've made my peace with that. You might have to do likewise, or rush into a doomed marriage because you have some sort of artificial, self-imposed timetable in your head.

The other thing is to consider some compromise. Some people rush into moving in together for whatever reason, but I see it as another step of commitment. I've said on these forums before that I would never marry someone I hadn't lived with first, but I also wouldn't move in with someone that I didn't plan on having a long term commitment with, whether that involves a legal marriage or not. That may or may not work for you, but regardless, I think you have to be willing to compromise on some things, since its not all about you after all, but your boyfriend, and your daughter too.
Joined: 5/1/2007
Msg: 11
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what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/4/2009 7:48:14 AM
"but I want to fall in love and live with someone and raise a family"

You're in trouble already if you're 4 1/2 months in... cause if you haven't already, ruh roh!
Joined: 9/24/2007
Msg: 12
view profile
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/4/2009 12:19:45 PM
"I am a woman in my 30s who is still dating and trying to find my future husband. I am one of those girls who wants to get married desperately. "

You lost like 90% of men right there with that scary statement.
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 13
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/4/2009 1:06:23 PM
Does anybody else have a problem with some of the statements here?

"I am one of those girls who want to get married desperately."

""I am already 32 and feel pressured"

Finally it took until the fifth line to mention love. She doesn't even mention her feeling for her current guy. Just not wishing to waste time.

Some of you women are positively scary, really really scary!
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 14
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what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/4/2009 1:41:13 PM
There are lots and lots of guys who would be quite happy to date for the weekend and marry on Monday, and the marriages have about the same chance of working as the guys who date for 5 years and then marry. You are not the only woman in the world that takes the view that its time to make progress in the family area. In fact, there are men who have the same thoughts, including at one time, myself.

The good news I think is that you are conscious of the fact that you have a goal and want to pursue it. The bad news I think is that you have hard requirements about how to get there. I doubt that any man really into you would be scared off by raising the question at any stage in a relationship, but you may not like the answer he gives you. If you are really into him, I think you can safely discount any answers that do not involve terminal statements, like "I am not interested in having kids" or "I am not interested in getting married".

If you ask and he answers and keeps dating you, you are in. If he vanishes, you have saved yourself the time you would have wasted dating him. Where is the risk?

I suggest its all in how you present the question. You don't have to go directly to "Want to have children with me?". You can sound him out on his general life plan easy enough simply by describing your own future dreams in a passive manner. Again, if he gets the message that your plan is to get married and have kids eventually, he can look at that and decide if he is along for the ride or not.

Aside from that, I would personally find it a little late for you to wallow in "white dress" kind of constraints on how your relationship develops. Since you already have a child you are going to have to find a pretty understanding guy, and he is not going to react well to being locked into some dream you have while being presented with the prospect of helping you raise your child.
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 15
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/4/2009 2:36:35 PM
Okay, well, first, I am 42 and have not married, and I can assure you that I have not died due to lack of matrimony. Neither will you if it doesn't happen. Not everyone marries and that is all right. So take a breath... and give yourself a break.

Second, since it is a high priority for you, I regret to say that I think you jumped the rails on this trip right from the time of boarding and will probably have to exchange your ticket for a different destination. If marriage is that important to you, you must make sure it is also important to someone you're considering before you get involved with him. With this one, you've already taught him that it's okay to just not think about it with you. And you've concealed a big part of yourself from him.

There is no law against asking a man when he sees himself marrying (or remarrying, as the case may be) within the first few dates. It will reliably scare off those who do not share your active desire for marriage, or do not at least feel willing to consider it soon. That's okay. You want one who does.

I don't think there's really a question of normal vs. crazy here. Everyone has their priorities and when it comes to marriage there's a vast continuum of them. I do think it's important to be up-front about what our priorities are in this regard.

So... talk to him. Be prepared for a quick skedaddle; it's likely. But if marriage is truly more important to you than this particular man, that is not a big deal, and both of you will be better off.
Joined: 9/29/2009
Msg: 16
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/4/2009 9:19:58 PM
Wow. You've got a tough order to fill. There's three things that are going to be a problem:

1) You have a child. Many, many men don't want to date women with children. And they certainly don't to marry women who already have children.

2) Very few men are going to marry a woman before they live with her. Very few. Almost all men are going to want to try living with a woman before they marry her.

3) Many men in your age range dread the idea of marriage. They view marriage as a kind fo death. They associate it with a loss of freedom, the end of youth, and they fear financial ruin in the event of divorce. Frankly, I think most men end of marrying becauase they feel they have to, not because they want to. And they don't start feeling liek they have to until they are well out of their 30s.

Does this mean there's no hope? No. It just means you're going to have to target your efforts very carefully. Try websites desigend for people looking for spouses. Find group in your area with the same purpose. Maybe try meeting men through a church. Good luck.
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 17
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/6/2009 6:12:39 PM

First of all- don't move in with him because of societal pressure to fit in with the norm. People are so judgemental and close-minded that they cannot respect your point of view if it isn't their own. And, you cannot give that example to your child.

Secondly, I am somewhat opposite. When I was in my early twenties, I was desperate to marry because I couldn't imagine life without a husband. Now, I know many successful, accomplished women who are single and happy. Some of them would like to marry and other do not.

A man knows within the first few months if he will marry you. Go ahead and think of a good way to bring it up. If he runs, then you move on to the next guy. Don't waste your time if you don't want the same thing. I would give the same advice if you wanted to remain single and he wanted to marry- you BOTH have to want the same thing.

Joined: 11/9/2009
Msg: 20
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/6/2009 8:43:47 PM
Falling in love takes time. Relax and enjoy the ride.

Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 21
view profile
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/6/2009 9:02:44 PM
Honestly, if this is really that important to you then you need to be addressing it within the first few DATES not the first few months after dating. There is no 'too soon' if it is the highest priority for you.

Who cares if others think it is crazy? Who cares if the guy you are with now doesn't want to be that guy? Find a guy that does. Trust me, there are many of them out there. So what if it's not 90% of guys.. it only takes one who is.

Most all people have that friend. The one who got married and everyone thought they were crazy.. but many years later that same friend is still married, happy and loving their life. Haha, I got two. One married 3 days after meeting a guy. The other within 6 months. The first has been married well over 10 years now.

Don't care what others think. It's your life. You only get one shot at it. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. It's the only way you will ever get it.
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 22
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/7/2009 12:33:19 PM

The way I see it, if marriage and another child is your goal, you have to do away with the idea that being in love and marriage go hand in hand

Why do you think those things have to mutually exclusive?

Still, if that is what you want, you have to sweeten the pot by making legal arrangements that make sure he never gets punished financially, even child support if your marriage falls apart.

Why should she have to 'sweeten the pot'? I don't think she mentioned anything about wanting to coerce an unwilling man into marriage.
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 23
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/7/2009 4:00:32 PM
It seems you are more interested in marriage itself, rather then who it is with. I would concentrate more on the relationship first. The decision to marry should come after you have known them well enough to make a more informed decision.

Thats why I will never get these people who look solely on marriage. I would never LOOK to get married. I would look to find the right person for me. I would get married to them when I did not want to live without them.
Joined: 7/29/2008
Msg: 24
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/7/2009 5:40:14 PM
I guess I'm rare, but I think it is nice that you KNOW what you want.

It is OK to know what you want out of a career instantly, but it is NOT okay to know where you want a relationship to go? Where is the logic in that?? I think talking marriage as soon as you want to is great. If it spooks the guy, then he is likely NOT the guy for you. I've been fortunate to be in some long relationships where I learned a lot and was fine talking long term goals very early.

In getting to know someone I love to find out their 'bucket list' and their 'what I'm gonna do in the next five years' and what they've done (both good and bad...heh). In finding out those things I can at least get a start on our compatibility and if I respect them or not. If I can't respect where they are going and accept where they've been then it will never make it. If you can't bring up this stuff (even after 2 months...) without fear then I think it is high time to bring them up. He'll get spooked and run or you'll find yourselves on the same page. Either way, you can move forward then.

Good luck!
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 27
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/8/2009 11:34:23 PM
+1 for crazy

Theres a woman in Romania that gave birth at 60. cool your jets Bula
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 28
view profile
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/13/2009 3:03:39 AM
It really depends on the people involved. I always feel it is good to be honest and you both should know what you are looking for in the relationship. If you are serious at 4 and a half months then it should not be a problem to let him know what you are thinking as long as you are not making some kind of timeline ultimatum.
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 29
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what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/13/2009 8:38:39 AM
Instead of rushing into marriage, I think you should look at what you want the marriage to be-! Y'know, the whole cohabitation thing, the comfort, the routine, the "hi honey, how was your day?", having someone to sleep with every night, the kids...

Then discuss that, rather than trying to hang a marriage label on it. If he's gung-ho for cohabitation, do that for at least a year, pretending you're husband and wife. That should pretty much determine whether you two are fit to be legally wedded.

Similar attitudes toward finances, toward the routine, toward the kids, how big a house you need to live in, how much "stuff" you both need to be happy, and what kind of "stuff" you need to be happy...THESE are really the things you need to be discussing.
Joined: 4/18/2007
Msg: 30
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what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/13/2009 12:16:19 PM
She sound like you are in love with the idea of being married.At 32,you are still young.I've only been engaged once but she ended up breaking up with me in the end.As I see the divorce rates and how relationships go.I would never want to get married.
Joined: 4/22/2007
Msg: 34
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/16/2009 7:08:08 PM
Good God Woman! You’re in your 30's and the Clock Is Ticking Like A Time Bomb! TIC TOCK TIC TOCK! Those ever fewer gains of sand are slipping through the glass faster than Tiger Wood’s Buick exiting his driveway while being bludgeoned with his own 9 Iron!

I suggest you buy your own ring and run a full page add in your local paper; Groom Needed!

Look, I feel your pain, I really do. I am 36 yrs old and have never been married and I would love nothing more than to meet that special someone and begin building our “Ever After” together but I take pride in the fact that I have never settled, married prematurely, and got divorced.

When I do take a wife it will be a forever thing! She will be the Yin To My Yang and as much as I can’t wait for us to begin that union of the mind, body, & spirt, when I finally do get to meet her I will realize that she was every second worth the wait!

Patience Dear...
Joined: 8/18/2005
Msg: 38
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 12/26/2009 12:02:55 AM
I get the impression that the OP views marriage as a tool as a means to an end. The endgame is identified, and the operations plan is already formulated. See the target, marry the target, THEN move in. Done. End.

I was once in a relationship where we were dating for 3 months and she started talking about having children. 1. No talk of maybe long term dating (where are we headed?). 2. No talk of possibly moving in, in the future. 3. No talk of getting engaged or planning to get married later. She went straight to: 4. Children. She skipped steps 1, 2, and 3. Step 4 is: Maybe after being married for awhile, children could come into play to take our relationship to the next level.

Figure out where you are now, and it is OK to talk about where you see things going. Communication about these topics is a great thing. Because if you don't talk about them - how will you ever know whether he is cool with getting married before moving in? That could be a show stopper for you. And if that is one of the values you place a high degree of importance on, you should have already identified that early. If he's not cool with it - then you need to rethink the relationship, or rethink how important that is to you vs the relationship you are in.
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 39
what is normal and what is crazy?
Posted: 1/2/2010 6:17:37 PM
Date 3 is when the hammer gets dropped.
I am not ever getting married, I am not proposing to you, we are never walking down an aisle. I am not having kids, I am not breeding, there are no kids in my future.

I feel that by date 3 she needs to know I am not changing my mind, and if she wants out, this is it. I also let her know that the last several LTRs that thought could change my ideas were wrong and found out later down the road that I meant what I said.
So date three, the door is there, or we can continue to spend time together.
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