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Show ALL Forums  > Off Topic  > paying my way..and the partner?      Home login  
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 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 1
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paying my way..and the partner?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I have no problem paying my way but what is correct for a partner living in my house?

Recently a man and I decided to live together in my home. It was problematic. He has a home in another location so I did not expect him to pay rent but he also did not pay for food or his share of utilities. i let it pass.

The realtionship was very short
but for future times, what do you say?
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 2
paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/6/2009 5:12:32 PM
Talk out expectations before you let someone move into your home vs expecting someone else to know what will make you happy...some people just assume things...he might have felt like he was your guest and so he was entitled to things...or he was a freeloader ...who knows but if you talk about things first then that tends to stop problems from cropping up down the line.

What is right for others isnt always the right thing for someone else..so it is good to post this to get ideas for future reference but the most key things is good communication.
 MAGIC_MARCO
Joined: 11/16/2007
Msg: 3
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paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/6/2009 6:43:13 PM

Recently a man and I decided to live together in my home. It was problematic. He has a home in another location so I did not expect him to pay rent but he also did not pay for food or his share of utilities. i let it pass.


This guy may not have been able to pay two rents , but he still had to eat, no matter where he was. He should have at least contributed that much and fixed dinner a few times a week too. Was he taking you out , spending money on you at least, during this time?
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 4
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paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/6/2009 7:25:39 PM
once I agreed to let a man share 1/2 my home (no romantic interest whatsoever but a long-term friend) ... we talked and talked and talked ... I thot we'd discussed every possible contingency ...

he was going to have the 2 downstairs bedrooms and bath and 1/2 the garage ... my daughter and I would have the upstairs bedrooms and bath and 1/2 the garage ... we would SHARE the living room, dining room and kitchen ... he would pay me X number of $$s plus the entire electricity bill ... I thot we'd discussed EVERYTHING ...

he moved in ... within a few weeks, I realized that we hadn't discussed it enuf ... I mean ... we hadn't discussed his nude sunbathing in full view of my daughter and neighbors ... we hadn't discussed his hidden booze bottles ... we hadn't discussed paying for SOME of the laundry detergent even tho he used more than I did and he never paid for any of it at all ... AT ALL ... we hadn't discussed him walking nude into the living room when I had company and then just sitting there ... naked ... we hadn't discussed his leaving dirty dishes ALL OVER THE HOUSE and not being capable of running a dish washer ...

we hadn't discussed enuf ... oh, my ... how we hadn't discussed enuf!!!

we lived together for almost 2 years but ...

but ... there's NEVER ENUF talking 1st!!! LAFFING! you CAN'T discuss EVERY THING ... not every little thing ...

it's best to try tho! if I were ever to do that again ... I'd even write up a CONTRACT!!!
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 5
paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/6/2009 7:26:07 PM
Just like a prenuptial agreement, you should consider drawing up one for cohabitation, as well.
 MondoVman
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 6
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paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/6/2009 11:24:58 PM
Years ago I had just started dating a gal who was letting a lifetime bachelor friend of hers stay at her house for 2 or 3 months while he collected $3k per month from snowbirds living in his condo.

The cheap b**tard never paid her a cent for rent, utils or cable. He also camped out in the family room everyday from 5 or 6 am until the stock market closed.

LMAO at how she let him "roll". I also use to say to her, "Wow, seems you're hemoraghing money. Glad it's yours and not mine."
 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 7
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paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/7/2009 2:23:57 AM
As others have said, you have to discuss these things up front, or you're just setting yourself up for disaster.

My take: You've got to pay your way. If you're an adult and earn an income, you simply have to help pay for the food you eat, utilities you use and house in which you live. It's part of the package.
 kornbluth
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 8
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paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/7/2009 3:16:14 AM

he also did not pay for food or his share of utilities. i let it pass.

That was foolish.


but for future times, what do you say?

Say wha-a-at? Keep on doing it. Again and again and again. That way, you'll always have company and something to whine about.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 9
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paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/7/2009 8:08:08 AM
With the way family law has evolved in some places, living together for any length of time acquires the legal presumption of a 50/50 split of stuff when the relationship dissolves. With that kind of thing on the horizon, you had better worry about how the finances are managed. Better still, don't let anyone move into your place at all. Get a new place that both of you share expenses equally.

Of course, that theory hardly ever works out in real life, as far as I can see.
 aSydneyMale
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 10
paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/7/2009 11:09:36 AM

get what your hidden agenda desires while he is there and then move on,

And what 'hidden agenda' might that be?

The OP is an academic who took this bloke in to her own place and he proceeded to freeload.

Most ladies I know who've traveled the world, and I've seen plenty in my line of work, having lived overseas as an expat, have done so with their own money.


We may look it but most of us are not really that stupid.

Until you open your mouth and and prove it when you come out with stuff like that'
 m14shooter
Joined: 10/2/2009
Msg: 11
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paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/7/2009 11:30:55 AM
If someone were to move in with me they could pay the utilities and split the food and other stuff down the middle. I'll take care of the rest like taxes and insurance. She can save the money she would have to spend on rent.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 12
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paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/7/2009 11:37:48 AM
Oh yes, if a I invite a woman to come and live with me in my place, the first thing I do is open an account on my computer and track every nickel we both spend to make sure that fair is fair.

Of course, that is a lot of work, but in the end, it certainly keeps me from inviting one over to stay.....
 kbodley
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 13
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paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/7/2009 12:10:32 PM
Okay, I just don't get this! For either men or women! I am not looking for someone to pay my way - or support me and I don't expect to have to support someone else! When my children became adults I expected them to be self-supporting. That doesn't mean that when they lived in my house I added up the bills and split them down the middle, but I did sit down and work out a fair amount that I expected them to contribute to the household (based on their income and ability to pay); the household chores that I expected them to take care of; and the basic rules of the house.

Why is it that men and women let members of the opposite sex take advantage of them just because a possible 'romance' is involved? If you don't respect me enough to contribute both emotionally and financially to our life together - you are not the person who I want in my life! Bottom line - chip in or move out!
 SueCat51
Joined: 8/11/2007
Msg: 14
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paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/7/2009 4:33:00 PM
Professor - you've learned a hard lesson here. It's time YOU take control of the situation and your life. Discuss and draw an agreement up in writing if you have to. As one of the other posts said "don't dole out more than you can afford to lose".
 SASSYN89178
Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 15
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paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/7/2009 10:15:24 PM
Why would you have someone live with you who didn't contribute anything besides sex?
You let it pass but I'm sure it bothered the he77 out of you.
I say if someone is living with you, they should contribute something to the mortgage or rent, the utilities, food etc.
 SASSYN89178
Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 16
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paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/7/2009 10:22:15 PM
freatlt
It's kinda like alot of the ladies that post and brag about traveling the world, seeing and doing all the great things there are to do, but on who's dime I ask ? Ok be honest now, when you post that crap are you not really saying that you are looking for someone to take you to all these places again and oh by the way pay for all or most of it ?? We may look it but most of us are not really that stupid. Nuf said.
===========================================================
Guess who pays my f-ing way.
ME!!!
I travel solo. #1 reason I've gone away with friends younger than myself who don't want to do anything on vacation. #2 I'm free to travel when I want to and not on their schedule.
Here we have another narrow minded, judgmental character.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 17
paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/8/2009 3:49:45 AM
Why would you let this happen again?
Him having a home somewhere else has nothing to do with it.

People have to pay for the roof over their head, not just where they park grandmas furniture.


As others have said, you have to discuss these things up front, or you're just setting yourself up for disaster.

My take: You've got to pay your way. If you're an adult and earn an income, you simply have to help pay for the food you eat, utilities you use and house in which you live. It's part of the package.

Agree

You are not the only one to have been used, but be careful and have things upfront and in writing.
 Gue$$who
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 18
paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/8/2009 6:35:16 AM
No gender issues involved. Anyone dealing with the OP's situation certainly should communicate with the partner before even moving in. Although a second home was there perhaps renting it should have been considered to allow income to assist with the new living arrangement. Anyone male or female that squats and doesn't help contribute is someone not worth the effort of any relationship, it would appear to me that this type of person is only out for their interests.
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 19
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paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/8/2009 9:05:11 AM
of course when you're moving in with someone or vacationing with someone, you discuss all the important thing ... of course you do! of course you have to discuss who pays for which ... how much they pay for that ... etc., etc. ...

what comes up and bites you where you didn't expect it ... is things you didn't THINK ABOUT TO discuss!

the shocker is the things you didn't KNOW to talk about! I went on vacation with a friend ... we discussed who would pay for which ... it was going to be fabulous ... it was a road trip and we were going to be seeing the country ... what we DIDN'T discuss was ... for example ... what time our day was going to start!

ok ... little issue, right? I'm a rise and shine, let's see this world while the sun is shining kind of person ... my friend got up at noon and stayed up most of the night ...

we didn't discuss that. we should have discussed that ... the hotel check-out was generally 10:00 or 11:00 a.m. ... I was ready to go see what was around the next bend by 6:00 a.m. ... my friend never got up before noon ... we really should have discussed that.

it's the things you DON'T KNOW TO DISCUSS that get you! thankfully, it was a short vacation! ok ... I made it a whole lot shorter!
 milt_n_bradley
Joined: 10/14/2009
Msg: 20
paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/8/2009 10:01:58 AM
Didn't you discuss the way things were going to be BEFORE he moved into your home?
Wouldn't that have been prudent?
Do you think,going forward, that would a good idea?
Just wondering....
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 21
paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/8/2009 9:20:28 PM
Who are these people? He didn't feel embarrassed or uncomfortable not even paying his share of the FOOD?

I agree, but there are a lot of people who feel a sense of entitlement and then there are those who enable them.

So, I say, maybe you jumped into this too soon.

You think? One can be well educated but lack common sense.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 22
paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/9/2009 1:07:04 PM
I didn't misunderstand either. What I did think after reading your initial post was......... a man with this opinion of women, wouldn't be someone I'd want to meet.

Me either!

Most people are mature enough to know that there's no such thing as a "free ride", in this world. (Excuse the pun). We also know that, those of us who are generous, and sometimes to a fault, can be duped by people who make it a lifetime hobby of "hitching onto other people's coat tails. Unfortunately, you met a coat-rider.

freatlt: Did you notice that I didn't single out either gender? I didn't refer to or disparage people, who enjoy particular activities, in my post either.

Exactly.
My initial reaction is, how in the heck did he( the OPs 'star boarder') stand HIMSELF, living off somebody else like that? I hope his weiner was bigger than his sense of doing the right thing...
I can't even IMAGINE living with somebody and not contributing. Even if it was a short term "houseguest" , I'd insist on either contributing or I'd insist on being allowed to provide some "extras". The only situation I could see where one responsible adult human being might not be able to contribute would be if they had lost everything due to fire, flood,natural disaster or other genuine human emergency.

It's the mindset displayed here by some male posters who think they know everything that's in the hearts, minds and lives of mature unmarried women,that makes me shake my head and be glad that I'm fine with living solo, and that by and large, all I want in terms of romance is a respectful committed LTR where we each live in our own houses and pay our own bills and avoid co mingling finances, blending families or passing judgement on one another's possessions and hobbies.
Cindy O
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 23
paying my way..and the partner?
Posted: 12/10/2009 10:33:19 AM
Few years ago, I got involved with and fell in love with and moved in with a fella who lived in NYC. I kept my place here (no payments, it's paid for, but taxes); also kept my vehicle registered here, and got insurance from here. We discussed nothing, lol!, until a friend of mine freaked about that fact. So we had a five minute discussion, which went something like this: Well, your living here costs me nothing in terms of rent or utilities (which are included); it would be nice if you could help with the food, can you do that? Yep. When we eat at home, I'm your guest; when we go out, you're my date, and I'll continue to pay. I kept house, saving him the maid's fee, cooked, cleaned, did his (our) laundry, and bought 98% of the food. Excepted in the food budget was butter (couldn't bring myself to pay $17/lb for imported Irish butter. . . ), his "blue algae drinks, and any steaks/roasts over $5/lb. . . . For a steak and potato dinner, I bought and cooked the taters, he bought and cooked the steak. We did perfectly fine until he died, and I came back here. Still miss him.

My view? If we picked our mate right, there is unlikely to be any problem, no matter how it's worked out. If not, there's gonna be. Big time.



ps ~~ funny thing, *all* the traveling women I know, and we are many, travel on our own dime. Only time I traveled with a fella, I paid for him (bringing new hubby home from China). Don't know where freeteat is finding these chicks, lol! But my view is if one invites another, then it's like a date: the invitor pays, the invitee is a good companion.
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