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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Taking his name....?      Home login  
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 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 327
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Taking his name....? Page 14 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

But never mind if he bangs her head on the doorjamb

DOH! I thought you were going to say "headboard". lmao

Hmm, seems to be quite the quandary here. I only see one one-size-fits-all solution to this argument. Only date people who have the same last name as *you*. There, all fixed. That is, if this situation would be a dealbreaker for *you* whichever side of the fence *you* sit.




~ds~
 GoodGirl100
Joined: 8/26/2009
Msg: 328
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/18/2009 4:15:07 PM

She couldn't give up a name that didn't belong to her anymore? Her ex-husband's name?


If a woman marries, and takes the husband's name, then the name DOES belong to her. She is under no obligation to stop using it should they get divorced.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 329
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 8:39:11 AM

(GoodGirl100) If a woman marries, and takes the husband's name, then the name DOES belong to her. She is under no obligation to stop using it should they get divorced.


*shrug* And, no man is under any obligation to marry her if she has any conditions he disagrees with.

So there...

Binroe...
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 330
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 8:45:54 AM


I think that she is not fully commited. She hasn't given him her whole heart!


Then why isn't he showing his commitment by taking HER last name?


Because, as I have observed elsewhere, but seems to be appropriate here: SOMEONE has to go first/give ground.

Binroe...

Gawd, I can't BELIEVE the trivialities that people will dig their heels in about, and absolutely REFUSE to budge about. If something so silly becomes an insurmoutable stumbling-block so early on... that person should NOT get married! S/he isn't ready.
 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 331
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 10:59:38 AM

Rock man, you have yet to answer this question that has been asked by myself and by others and no REAL answer has been given...

All of your questions have been answered. As a matter of fact they where all answered before the questions where even asked.
1. I have already answered this several times.
2.I have no clue as to the location of the father and fail to see what the feck that has to do with this thread, or your inability to understand common sense.
3. She now uses the name of her "second" husband, not her first which is the father of her children.

I hope you can answer those questions. So far you have eluded them completely.

I have eluded nothing, all the information you seek is already in this thread. If you would have researched the thread before you posted in it, this whole argument or issue you seem to have would have solved itself.
 Ghost Reader
Joined: 9/12/2009
Msg: 332
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 11:05:01 AM
Aw , forget it
Tell them to look up " Great Moderates" in history.
(I'll save you some time ... it doesn't exist)
Probably don't understand why " Mudd" had such a bad connotation
(Thats the doctor , who helped John wilks Booth , by the way...)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 333
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 11:11:42 AM
In the days when a woman depended on her husband for support it was different. Now she's got her own name, which other than any future kids are concerned doesn't have much to do with getting married. I also come from the media industry where women have last names the public recognizes or become their trademarks, so even if they do change them legally, they don't use them publicly.

So for a lot of women the taking of a husband's name is seen as ownership. HOWEVER, if a woman is in a traditional relationship and it in fact IS ownership to some extent, then I don't see why she'd try to fight that one detail.

In any event he should just go with the flow - as much as some might ask why she doesn't want to take his name, it's just as important to find out why he feels she needs to.
 Ghost Reader
Joined: 9/12/2009
Msg: 334
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 11:27:39 AM

In any event he should just go with the flow - as much as some might ask why she doesn't want to take his name, it's just as important to find out why he feels she needs to


Go with the flow .. until somebody else whines about something "They" don't agree with.
Then we can start all over again.
Most men don't want to see "Wait until the next fad " on their sons football jersey.
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 335
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 11:42:19 AM
Taking the name is part of the family building process. It's also a tradition. Then again, I'd be just as happy not getting married at all, but really, I think I'd feel kind of rejected if I wanted to go to the trouble of getting married and she didn't want my name. Even so... not taking it is better than going hyphenated. I hate that.

(And yes, I realize that this post makes me sound somewhat closed minded... and I think I'm kind of ok with that. Those that know me here know that I tend to be logical most of the time. I'm allowed the occasional spurt of stupid.)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 336
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 11:52:34 AM
^^^It's personal preference - why would it bother you she didn't want your name. Do you want hers? Should she feel passed over because you don't want her name? The children are different. But what she wants is her thing - it's not a huge deal in the scheme of things.

Go with the flow .. until somebody else whines about something "They" don't agree with.
Then we can start all over again.
Most men don't want to see "Wait until the next fad " on their sons football jersey.

Not sure whether to argue or agree, I have no idea what any of that means. Care to elaborate?
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 337
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 12:22:41 PM
Gawd, I can't BELIEVE the trivialities that people will dig their heels in about, and absolutely REFUSE to budge about. If something so silly becomes an insurmoutable stumbling-block so early on



Yes I agree that what stupid ,insignificant little things that really mean nothing , that people will dig their heels in about like wanting to brand their woman with their name. Imagine actually wanting to keep your own name! Oh how absolutely horrible of us.



Wow... just wow... Rockman...

I HAVE been following the thread and you only gave tidbits here and there ... Your explanations are nothing but rude remarks trying to belittle the ones that actually asked you decent questions.... Just like I did.



Do what I started doing and skip right over certain peoples post.I learned that pretty quickly here that it is pointless to read post from trollish, hateful and rude people who never get into any trouble for breaking rules. Can you say someone is playing favorites?
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 338
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 1:21:58 PM
Oh, I totally understand why you'd want to keep your own name, mind you. This isn't necessarily a logical thing. That's the problem with this, a lot of people are assuming that this is a conscious decision when it is actually something deeper. It isn't as simple as, "She's mah woman! She will me mah woman!!111"

No. It goes deeper than that. As I said, I tend to think of taking the name as symbolic of forming the family. Therefore, someone not wanting to take the name to me is as hurtful as saying, "I don't want to be your family." Now, is that reasonable? No. But that's the funny thing about emotions- they aren't generally linked to reason.
 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 339
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 2:33:12 PM

Wow... just wow... Rockman...

Amazing isn't it.... lmao


I HAVE been following the thread and you only gave tidbits here and there ... Your explanations are nothing but rude remarks trying to belittle the ones that actually asked you decent questions.... Just like I did.

Perception is everything.


So, read back and look at your comment and notice how rude you have been. I am not the only one who has noticed that.

I did and your first accusation of me being rude was for stating "your name is that of your fathers not your mothers"... As I said perception is everything!


Whatever... I was truly trying to understant THAT particular situation.
Then read the thread again. S-L-O-W-L-Y!


From what I understand and from your OWN point of view. It is imperative that children and women take the man's name.

I guess it's not just perception. Comprehension is needed too.
Doesn't matter how many times I repeat something your still confused.
And you obvously haven't read the thread because this has nothing to do with me at all. So my views on this make no difference what so ever.


This woman has NO ISSUES with changing the last names of her own childen. Isn't that almost scriligious from a man's point of view?

Which man's point of view? I adopted 3 girls myself and saw it as no problem. Their father was not around. So what would his issues matter?


I mean, I am trying to imagin how you would feel if your ex wife changed the last name of your children to an other's man name...

And you wonder why I have no patience with you.
The name change was going to happen due to the adoption, not the marriage.
What part of that is so hard to understand?


Believe me, it is pertinent...

Actually no it's not!


Don't bother commenting because I am just done with the belittling and your general rudeness.

Says the mirror as it tells it's tale!


I'm off...

I've noticed.

Do what I started doing and skip right over certain peoples post.I learned that pretty quickly here that it is pointless to read post from trollish, hateful and rude people who never get into any trouble for breaking rules. Can you say someone is playing favorites?

I only get 10 posts a day due to whiny @ss hypocrites "like you" that live in glass houses that like to throw stones, yet feel the need to cry about all the broken glass.
Booo fecking hooooo!
 wild heart
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 340
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 2:39:37 PM

As I said, I tend to think of taking the name as symbolic of forming the family. Therefore, someone not wanting to take the name to me is as hurtful as saying, "I don't want to be your family." Now, is that reasonable? No. But that's the funny thing about emotions- they aren't generally linked to reason.


And that's just fine, as long you understand that she was raised with certain traditions too.

You put it exactly how I would like to hear my man say why it is important to him (not that I would need to hear it).

But if the woman can provide an emotional reason about the name, why isn't her request just as valid?
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 341
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 3:07:27 PM
Of course it's just as valid... the problem is that if two people have a valid emotional reason for the issue... well, that's how we end up with the situation we've got here. If no one is willing to compromise it can go up in smoke pretty quickly.
 wild heart
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 342
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 3:22:31 PM
^^^lol, maybe this is yet another thing people should put on their profile?



I think on the whole, most women would be okay with changing their name, but it is interesting and continuously telling (to me) how the traditions, values and lifestyles our parents held have cemented themselves in us.
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 343
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 3:25:00 PM
I don't think so. It'd seem needlessly combative right off the back... like the people who say "No liars or game players!" as though the liars and game players are the ones steering away from them for saying it.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 344
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/19/2009 5:35:03 PM
I would probably change my last name to my husband's name, but use my maiden name as a middle name, especially at work. I have not been married, and am really used to using my last name, as I have used it for 52 years.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 345
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/20/2009 8:15:16 AM
.marc:


No. It goes deeper than that. As I said, I tend to think of taking the name as symbolic of forming the family. Therefore, someone not wanting to take the name to me is as hurtful as saying, "I don't want to be your family." Now, is that reasonable? No. But that's the funny thing about emotions- they aren't generally linked to reason.


I can kind of get that, but can you see how that name change might also be symbolic of a woman giving up part of her identity, or belonging to her family or origin? I've had my name my whole life--it's part of who I am. I wouldn't want to give that up with marriage. I'd consider hyphenating, but not giving up my own name entirely. Someone asking me to do so (or expecting me to, at any rate--I'd be fine with being asked as long as he could accept my "no") would be symbolic to me of being asked to give up a piece of myself, and any insistence on that would be hurtful to me.
 wild heart
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 346
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/20/2009 9:52:22 AM

or expecting me to, at any rate


Yes, and I think there is quote somewhere where a man on the forums points out that it is not actually paying for women that bother them, but that she EXPECTS it.

My question still stands, why do they expect it? (and let's take the whole selfish crap out of the picture). For the name thing, it is obvious why some men think that way. But if that is their "tradition" which comes from family, why can't a man accept that her tradition has the same roots?
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 347
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/20/2009 10:23:31 AM

(BtH) Gawd, I can't BELIEVE the trivialities that people will dig their heels in about, and absolutely REFUSE to budge about. If something so silly becomes an insurmoutable stumbling-block so early on... that person should NOT get married! S/he isn't ready.


(annasthasia) Coming from somone who has been brainwashed by the patriarchal type of society.


???

I quite clearly siad "S/he". That refers to either he or she, not just "she", as you seem to think.

Clean your monitor...

Binroe...

ETA:
3- This woman you speak of, then refuses to change her name, which is her married name to this former husband of hers. So, she is the only one who will have her ex-husband's name.


No, her ex-husband will, too...
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 348
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/20/2009 10:30:50 AM

(W.I.P.) In any event he should just go with the flow - as much as some might ask why she doesn't want to take his name, it's just as important to find out why he feels she needs to.


Oh, yeah, like THAT'S gonna happen!

C'mon, people on PoF holding forth about things that they'll NEVER have to deal with first-hand, is like a teen-ager popping zits: you KNOW he's gonna do it, never mind what you say!

Binroe...
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 349
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/20/2009 10:34:48 AM


(BtH) Gawd, I can't BELIEVE the trivialities that people will dig their heels in about, and absolutely REFUSE to budge about. If something so silly becomes an insurmoutable stumbling-block so early on


(lone lady here ) Yes I agree that what stupid ,insignificant little things that really mean nothing , that people will dig their heels in about like wanting to brand their woman with their name. Imagine actually wanting to keep your own name! Oh how absolutely horrible of us


Another thing I can't believe is, that people are assuming I'm arguing in favour of suborning a woman's desires over the name thing, because I held forth with what I thought was a gender-neutral statement... hunh!

Teach ME to expect fair-minded treatment...

Binroe...
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 350
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Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/20/2009 10:39:51 AM
448- Yes, I totally get that, which is why I said that it wasn't reasonable thinking.
But that's why I see it as part of the forming of the family... this idea that the identity is changed to form the family. I'd have to consider whether I'd change my name. I think I'd be ok with picking a new name and using that. But name changes are harder for guys in some places.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 351
Taking his name....?
Posted: 12/20/2009 10:40:32 AM
For child-rearing, it helps if the whole family has same name (hyphenated, whatever). Based on my age and career, I probably wouldn't change - publications, professional relationships would be confusing. Those who were abandoned by their father may have a different perspective.
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