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 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 4
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single parents?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hmm...my kids father lives 980kms away. He is involved in their lives 3 maybe 4 times a year. How can you say that we co-parent? He has no say over discipline, activities, behavior, schooling or any other issues pertaining to their upbringing.
Yes they have a father, but since I am the sole care giver 345days of the year, I AM a single parent.
 Luckyme102761
Joined: 9/14/2007
Msg: 5
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single parents?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:21:31 PM
Am just curious. Do you ever consider calling and asking his opinion? Maybe thats not possibe. Am sad that their father is not more involved in their lives. Have you considered sending your kids to spend the summer with him so they can get to know him better? Again I realize this might not be possible or a good idea.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 6
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single parents?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:38:39 PM
My Ex lives 1200 miles away from his children, I bought them cell phones so they can speak to him whenever they want to, but he never sees them and does not financially support them in any way.
I certainly consider myself a single parent although my children have a father that is alive and well. I make all the decisions regarding their lives and do it gladly, I support them financially and I am the only one that kisses them goodnight, makes their lunches and signs their report cards. I spend 365 days a year with them too.

I am sorry for your loss, but do not take it out on divorced women/men because you feel your status or situation somehow out weighs theirs. We are all in this parenthood thing together.
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 7
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single parents?
Posted: 12/9/2009 2:50:28 PM
If I was to ask his opinion, it would be met with 'what ever you think is best'
He moved there a year ago, before that we co-parented. They see him for 2 weeks during the summer. He speaks to them on the phone 3times a week.
I am still a parent, and I am still single...hmmmm
 Luckyme102761
Joined: 9/14/2007
Msg: 8
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single parents?
Posted: 12/9/2009 4:09:50 PM
I am not talking about the parents who have absent ex partners. Parents that have decided not to participate in their child's life are awful. I am talking about the father I sat next to last week at PTA that complained the entire time what a b'otch his ex is. The woman at church that can't believe she has to share her kids at all. The petty fighting that some parents seem to engage in. It is exhausting to hear it endlessly.
 singlesuperdad
Joined: 8/26/2009
Msg: 9
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single parents?
Posted: 12/9/2009 4:14:39 PM
I to am sorry for your loss but not only widows and widowers are single parents. I can say everything that you did. I am their sole provider. and they live with me 24/7, 365 days a year. I have not come on here whining not even once about my situation. I love my kids and love raising them.
 Luckyme102761
Joined: 9/14/2007
Msg: 10
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single parents?
Posted: 12/9/2009 4:17:44 PM
I am not criticizing others parents parenting skills. I am sorry that some have made bad choices in life partners and are left alone to parent. What I am tired of is the constant complaining. Seems like I hear it at every child parent event I attend. And I am not talking about people that have absent partners. I am talking about when 2 parents are both involved and seem to argue over everything and then call themselves single parents. Like the neighbor that called her lawyer cause her ex husband took the boy to get his haircut and then just had to run over to tell me all about it. Geez. She is a co-parent. :)
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 11
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single parents?
Posted: 12/9/2009 7:19:56 PM
I have my kids 24/7, and I agree, it is different than the every other weekend arrangement that many of us think of as the norm. As far as I am concerned, the term "single parent" simply means that you have children yet are not in a relationship with the other parent. It seems to be the forum posters who attribute other meanings to the terminology.
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 12
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single parents?
Posted: 12/9/2009 7:20:28 PM
I have my kids 24/7, and I agree, it is different than the every other weekend arrangement that many of us think of as the norm. As far as I am concerned, the term "single parent" simply means that you have children yet are not in a relationship with the other parent. It seems to be the forum posters who attribute other meanings to the terminology.

HOW DO I DELETE THIS DOUBLE POST?!?!?!?

 SlingDad
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 13
single parents?
Posted: 12/9/2009 8:06:56 PM
There's not one person in this forum who's situation is like the other's aside from the title we all share.

I'm truly sorry for your loss, but this group above all others should be able to set aside such petty differences.

I've been on a 26/4 monthly split for the last 6 years, does that qualify me to be above 50/50's by choice or by chance?

No.
 TheBarnBrat
Joined: 9/24/2009
Msg: 14
single parents?
Posted: 12/9/2009 9:39:36 PM
OP I'm sorry for your frustrations and your loss. I know it can be irritating being "lumped" with any group, whether or not it's rightfully so.

Everyone has their story. And, to them, it's the most important one. Sometimes people complaining about an ex spouse just need someone they feel can lend an ear and if they're "lumped" with other "single parents" whether by divorce, death, etc. they have someone that can understand their emotions. So they start talking about it.

I suppose I'm amazingly lucky that my friends let me talk and complain endlessly about my own situation and divorce. They lend an empathetic ear and it means the world to me. My situation sucks, as does yours obviously.
 jellybean2
Joined: 1/19/2009
Msg: 15
single parents?
Posted: 12/9/2009 11:29:14 PM
"Single" refers to your marital status, not how many parents the child has, or how involved they are in the child's life. So, when you say you're a Single Parent, you're saying that you are Single, and you are a Parent.

Pretty easy really, I don't know why people need to over analyse these things, or why some people still manage to turn a forum into an argument over who is worse off...
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 16
single parents?
Posted: 12/9/2009 11:30:07 PM
I am a widow also. I get what you are saying. Our kids dont have another parent, at all. And we do feel very much in a different league than divorcees or unwed mothers, you are right that it is a whole different ball game, but single parent is just a label, call yourself whatever you like, call others whatever you like, just semantics.

Lady that would give your eyeteeth to be a widow..um....no...you wouldnt...widowhood is not a walk in the park picking daisies. It is a place you do not want to visit. Im still struggling with grief, what-if's, haggling over medical neglect lawsuits, raising 2 kids without a male figure, its not a day at Disney.
 Live1983
Joined: 4/11/2008
Msg: 17
single parents?
Posted: 12/10/2009 6:44:40 AM
I'm sorry for your loss, really I am. I don't really see the issue your having, you don't think I'm a single mom because my ex isn't dead? My ex has laid eyes on my daughter once in three years (she's 3) In alot of ways he is dead. I don't see how you can say ALL single parents aren't 24/7 parents, and complain about thair ex's. I have no issue with my ex. I'm happy with my life the way it is. I suppose I could call him if I needed a secound opinion on parenting, so that makes me lucky? He has no more insight into parenting my daughter then a stranger, I may be better off asking a stranger becase maybe they are a parent as well. I too get fustrated with the complaining about the ex, to me it sends a bad message, perhaps they aren't over the hurt, or are bitter. To me my ex was the one of the best things that happened to me cause I have my daughter now because of him, how could I hate him? Good luck, being a parent is hard no matter what.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 18
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single parents?
Posted: 12/11/2009 8:43:46 AM
You might be surprised to know that many single parents who aren't widowed are also in your shoes. About the extent of their dad's involvement is child support and I realize I am lucky I have it. There are no relatives within 150 miles so I have made a non-biological family of people that I can turn to.

I don't think I am doing anything extraordinary because my life didn't change much when I became single, with the exception of not dealing with someone who acted more like a child than his own children. I had been raising the children alone all along.

Your children are not the only ones that feel pain at holidays, etc. My daughter is in a choir that has won three national competitions and he again chose last night to skip her concert; she's a senior and he has not seen one performance. Your childrens' dad cannot attend their things, imagine what they would feel like if he was still alive and remained uninvolved in their lives.

My daughter is currently conflicted because while she knows it will hurt her if he doesn't go to her high school graduation but she has also actually contemplated not telling him when it is because he will ruin the day for her.

No one who gets caught up in the trap that their lot is somehow worse than others is doing themselves a favor. You may see a single mom and imagine that everything is rosy in her life. The way one of my daughter's teachers behaved, I thought she was a happily married woman and found out a few years later that she was divorced and her ex was a real bast*rd. Most people have some kind of painful experiences going on behind closed doors, just because they don't wear things on their sleeve or even when they do, I tend to try to be happy for my own blessings and not worry about how people choose to behave.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 19
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Posted: 12/11/2009 8:55:06 AM
OP, may I suggest the next time one of these whiners starts to bend you ear about their horrible life you just cut them off at the knees and say "I am here for my child tonight, not to be your therapist or referee, personally I am tired of hearing you complain." and leave it at that. They are being rude by expecting you to listen to them drone on, so give it right back to them.
Some people are so used to ****ing that they don't even realize that they sound like a broken record. I avoid plenty of people in my family and my circle of friends because I cannot stand the constant whining. Believe me, if it wasn't their Ex bothering them they'd find another topic like their job or their health to whine about.
 Chitownguy40
Joined: 9/29/2009
Msg: 20
single parents?
Posted: 12/11/2009 6:35:36 PM
In my experience, whether a man and woman are together or seperated, women do 80% of the child care.
 singlesuperdad
Joined: 8/26/2009
Msg: 21
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Posted: 12/12/2009 7:37:15 AM
I'm single and a parent so that makes me a single parent. Just because the mother is still alive, how is that insulting to widows/widowers? What else would I be? I've never been married or divorsed. The mother has given up her parenting rights so I am the sole provider. Not to be mean or rude but what makes widows/widowers better or more deserving of holding the title of single parent? Sorry for the loss but I've had loss too. I never planned to raise my kids alone. If they want a title that includes only them, come up with another. Or come up with one for single parents that aren't widows. I'm at a loss, I don't understand whats insulting about it all. It also sounds like she is saying she is better or above other single parents because she is a widow. It really suck for her loosing her SO but it sucks for us to, maybe even more because we have no closure and have to deal with all the BS and drama. Shes made this a hard topic because I do feel for her.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 22
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Posted: 12/13/2009 10:09:11 PM

Helping them finish the growing up without his guidance will have it's challenges. All of that being said, You might want to consider showing a little more understanding to those you meet who may have their children virtually fulltime like you. I mean the everyother weekend deal is FOUR days out of the month, leaving them with 27 where they are not only ALONE in their parenting decisions.... they MAY have their EX (the other parent) actually doing actions and undertakings that UNDERMINE the goal of raising responsible adults through their childhood years.

YOUR word is law with your kids... your divorced compatriots are/may be constandly undermined. Imagine THAT scenario. 2nd part to imagine is how the kids of divorce usually take on the blame for the failed marriage as if to say THEY werent good enough kids to keep their parents marriage together. YOUR kids will never take on self-blame for their father dying. 3rd thing to consider is that everyone has their challenges. Even happily married couples could find themselves with a dying child. Or becoming homeless while trying to keep their kids in a sense of normalcy.

In summary, it seems your post is a little bit self-serving and voicing your anger at his death in the wrong arena. EVERYONE has their challenges. Attacking terminology that other's use wont bring him back or make your own challenges easier, but we are all happy to read your writings.

Good points all but particularly the other parent derailing what you are doing, unpleasant and highly harmful to the children.

Divorce, or break-up or whatever leaves someone a single person that is raising children, there is usually a grieving process. For you, it is likely both losing your husband, also losing the relationship but in some ways have you considered that this is easier for you? I'm sure if I lost a spouse I would be very sad, heartbroken, angry, at him for leaving me even intellectually knowing that the abandonment was not intentional, at God probably and because my children would have to grow up without their father.

But when the relationship tanks and you move on, there is also hurt, for some, even humiliation in addition to sadness, heartbreak and anger. I don't imagine you would ever see the loss as a blessing, obviously, but you do have a good marriage that many of us never had to remember and cherish as being blessed for as long as you had your husband.

I suspect that a lot of the way you are feeling is due to the anger portion of the grief process, somewhere in the back of your mind, you are thinking how dare they when they chose to end the relationship, etc. And that's okay, your loss totally sucks for lack of a better expression but maybe it would ease your burden some to imagine what it would be like to have the love you felt for someone become horribly twisted, etc. and/or to live with the parent still in the picture often doing more harm than good.

Grief is a process but with any challenge in life, you have choices about what you want to waste your precious energy on. As Carol Ann said, either tell people to stfu, or steer clear of them so that instead of letting these people get under your skin, you can focus on trying to be the best parent you can, which is all any of us can do regardless of our family dynamic.
 Al Walton Music
Joined: 5/21/2009
Msg: 23
single parents?
Posted: 2/20/2010 11:55:53 AM
Hi there Shayley and good day to you and yours. I understand where you are coming from as a man. You don't want to take the man out of the picture as the father and that is real and something your child's dad should cherish. Im a single dad but im active in my kids life without child support. My son lives with me since he was 3. He is now 18. My 2 daughters are my world but live with their mom. Its not easy picking the right person who will work with you in making decisions that build a family bond and keeps it active.

My reason being single is because she wanted to play around and not be a backbone to our relationship, but wanted to be a backbone to the streets and so called friends who had no vision or game plan to succeed.
Thats why alot of men depart from relationships and leave precious kids at bay. You stay strong and encouraged.
AL
 bliss.stars
Joined: 6/12/2009
Msg: 24
single parents?
Posted: 2/21/2010 7:16:23 PM
OP - i think you are taking the title in a different context...i am SINGLE - and i am a PARENT...therefore, i am a single parent, no?
i am also a "single parent" - the context you are referring to (i think?) i may not be a widow, however i have my kids all to myself 24/7. the only place my oldest goes on the odd weekend is nan's or grampa's. my youngest is just a newborn so she doesn't go anywhere.
i'm sure my wee ones would give anything to have a dad as well, the difference between us -
your childrens father was TAKEN out of the picture (my sympathy to you)....whereas my childrens father CHOSE not to be in the picture.


Sure I can talk to friends but they are not invested as much as a parent


this is exactly what these other single parents are doing...if you don't wanna hear it then don't listen?
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 25
single parents?
Posted: 2/23/2010 4:32:18 PM
A while ago, there was a thread regarding "Single parent". The topic was based on the fact that, for those qualified as such (divorced), were divorced parents. The argument was that you are not single in the sense that divorced parents are still obligated to co-parent with the ex-spouse. I agreed with that definition. Many divorced parents in that thread defined themselves as single, claiming "I prefer" to call myself single. In truth, they are single in a marital sense but they are not single in a parental sense..... it's semantics, really.

The OP claims she has heard enough about whining parents teeing off on their ex. It does get rather boring, frustrating and outright irritating. Some carry on forever.

But there is irony in the OP's claim. Divorced people do b!tch about their ex, at times. The OP, as a widow, is complaining about those who aren't widows. In so many ways, there is a parallel about single/divorced/widowed parents complaining about their situation. In this case, the OP is complaining about those who have an ex spouse.

Maybe I'm looking at it differently or abnormally, who knows? But the fact remains, as a parent (regardless of status), we're finding things to complain about..... it's the nature of the beast, so to speak. If we were all in happy relationships, would we complain as much as we do in these threads? Don't think so.

Categorically then, all people who run one parent houses are complainers... including the OP .

If only we were all like the Cleavers.
 mcalgary
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 26
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Posted: 2/24/2010 11:52:44 AM
Even in the 100% of the time parenting group there would be a huge disparity between the hardships one has to deal with. You may have parents that help out with raising your children or good friends. Should these people be dispaced from the single parent group too??

I am a parent with 50% custody but am proud to say I am a single parent.

Although, I may not have it as hard as you do I still have a right to say it.
 mcalgary
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 27
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Posted: 2/24/2010 11:56:11 AM

In my experience, whether a man and woman are together or seperated, women do 80% of the child care.


Speak for yourself but I take my kids to school and pick them up. Make their dinner, do their laundry, help them with their homework. I know many fathers in the same situation and they all do at least 50% parenting and child care. Both parents work now so this has changed very quickly and is nowhere near the 80% marker.
 dallas59
Joined: 3/4/2009
Msg: 28
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Posted: 2/25/2010 6:21:58 AM
You go girl. I am a widow with three kids and no family around. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I never understood until I came a widow.
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