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Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 22
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single parents?Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

Helping them finish the growing up without his guidance will have it's challenges. All of that being said, You might want to consider showing a little more understanding to those you meet who may have their children virtually fulltime like you. I mean the everyother weekend deal is FOUR days out of the month, leaving them with 27 where they are not only ALONE in their parenting decisions.... they MAY have their EX (the other parent) actually doing actions and undertakings that UNDERMINE the goal of raising responsible adults through their childhood years.

YOUR word is law with your kids... your divorced compatriots are/may be constandly undermined. Imagine THAT scenario. 2nd part to imagine is how the kids of divorce usually take on the blame for the failed marriage as if to say THEY werent good enough kids to keep their parents marriage together. YOUR kids will never take on self-blame for their father dying. 3rd thing to consider is that everyone has their challenges. Even happily married couples could find themselves with a dying child. Or becoming homeless while trying to keep their kids in a sense of normalcy.

In summary, it seems your post is a little bit self-serving and voicing your anger at his death in the wrong arena. EVERYONE has their challenges. Attacking terminology that other's use wont bring him back or make your own challenges easier, but we are all happy to read your writings.

Good points all but particularly the other parent derailing what you are doing, unpleasant and highly harmful to the children.

Divorce, or break-up or whatever leaves someone a single person that is raising children, there is usually a grieving process. For you, it is likely both losing your husband, also losing the relationship but in some ways have you considered that this is easier for you? I'm sure if I lost a spouse I would be very sad, heartbroken, angry, at him for leaving me even intellectually knowing that the abandonment was not intentional, at God probably and because my children would have to grow up without their father.

But when the relationship tanks and you move on, there is also hurt, for some, even humiliation in addition to sadness, heartbreak and anger. I don't imagine you would ever see the loss as a blessing, obviously, but you do have a good marriage that many of us never had to remember and cherish as being blessed for as long as you had your husband.

I suspect that a lot of the way you are feeling is due to the anger portion of the grief process, somewhere in the back of your mind, you are thinking how dare they when they chose to end the relationship, etc. And that's okay, your loss totally sucks for lack of a better expression but maybe it would ease your burden some to imagine what it would be like to have the love you felt for someone become horribly twisted, etc. and/or to live with the parent still in the picture often doing more harm than good.

Grief is a process but with any challenge in life, you have choices about what you want to waste your precious energy on. As Carol Ann said, either tell people to stfu, or steer clear of them so that instead of letting these people get under your skin, you can focus on trying to be the best parent you can, which is all any of us can do regardless of our family dynamic.
 Al Walton Music
Joined: 5/21/2009
Msg: 23
single parents?
Posted: 2/20/2010 11:55:53 AM
Hi there Shayley and good day to you and yours. I understand where you are coming from as a man. You don't want to take the man out of the picture as the father and that is real and something your child's dad should cherish. Im a single dad but im active in my kids life without child support. My son lives with me since he was 3. He is now 18. My 2 daughters are my world but live with their mom. Its not easy picking the right person who will work with you in making decisions that build a family bond and keeps it active.

My reason being single is because she wanted to play around and not be a backbone to our relationship, but wanted to be a backbone to the streets and so called friends who had no vision or game plan to succeed.
Thats why alot of men depart from relationships and leave precious kids at bay. You stay strong and encouraged.
Joined: 6/12/2009
Msg: 24
single parents?
Posted: 2/21/2010 7:16:23 PM
OP - i think you are taking the title in a different context...i am SINGLE - and i am a PARENT...therefore, i am a single parent, no?
i am also a "single parent" - the context you are referring to (i think?) i may not be a widow, however i have my kids all to myself 24/7. the only place my oldest goes on the odd weekend is nan's or grampa's. my youngest is just a newborn so she doesn't go anywhere.
i'm sure my wee ones would give anything to have a dad as well, the difference between us -
your childrens father was TAKEN out of the picture (my sympathy to you)....whereas my childrens father CHOSE not to be in the picture.

Sure I can talk to friends but they are not invested as much as a parent

this is exactly what these other single parents are doing...if you don't wanna hear it then don't listen?
 My I
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 25
single parents?
Posted: 2/23/2010 4:32:18 PM
A while ago, there was a thread regarding "Single parent". The topic was based on the fact that, for those qualified as such (divorced), were divorced parents. The argument was that you are not single in the sense that divorced parents are still obligated to co-parent with the ex-spouse. I agreed with that definition. Many divorced parents in that thread defined themselves as single, claiming "I prefer" to call myself single. In truth, they are single in a marital sense but they are not single in a parental sense..... it's semantics, really.

The OP claims she has heard enough about whining parents teeing off on their ex. It does get rather boring, frustrating and outright irritating. Some carry on forever.

But there is irony in the OP's claim. Divorced people do b!tch about their ex, at times. The OP, as a widow, is complaining about those who aren't widows. In so many ways, there is a parallel about single/divorced/widowed parents complaining about their situation. In this case, the OP is complaining about those who have an ex spouse.

Maybe I'm looking at it differently or abnormally, who knows? But the fact remains, as a parent (regardless of status), we're finding things to complain about..... it's the nature of the beast, so to speak. If we were all in happy relationships, would we complain as much as we do in these threads? Don't think so.

Categorically then, all people who run one parent houses are complainers... including the OP .

If only we were all like the Cleavers.
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 26
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single parents?
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:52:44 AM
Even in the 100% of the time parenting group there would be a huge disparity between the hardships one has to deal with. You may have parents that help out with raising your children or good friends. Should these people be dispaced from the single parent group too??

I am a parent with 50% custody but am proud to say I am a single parent.

Although, I may not have it as hard as you do I still have a right to say it.
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 27
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single parents?
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:56:11 AM

In my experience, whether a man and woman are together or seperated, women do 80% of the child care.

Speak for yourself but I take my kids to school and pick them up. Make their dinner, do their laundry, help them with their homework. I know many fathers in the same situation and they all do at least 50% parenting and child care. Both parents work now so this has changed very quickly and is nowhere near the 80% marker.
Joined: 3/4/2009
Msg: 28
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single parents?
Posted: 2/25/2010 6:21:58 AM
You go girl. I am a widow with three kids and no family around. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I never understood until I came a widow.
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