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 AUTHOR
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 10
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
NO.........I would not.

WHY........out of respect for my ex and respect for myself! I don't need personal references from my ex.
 Possessions
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 12
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/12/2009 11:15:48 PM

Now my question: would you feel odd about dating someone who was that close to his/her ex-spouse in such a scenario?


I think a lot of it would depend on how the ex-spouse reacts to me. If there is no negative energy or tension coming from them then I'd be fine with it. Even if there was a slight tension I'd try to work through it being there are kids involved.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 14
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/12/2009 11:25:18 PM
I'm friends with most of my exes - as they were all friends before I dated them. I've never been married but I don't find it a problem - I'm more understanding if they have kids obviously.
 Possessions
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 15
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/12/2009 11:36:04 PM

I was married for 17 years. What happened to cut the ties completely?? Ummm, divorce maybe?? IMO, divorce means divorce. If I have to share you with an ex, then I'm not interested. I want someone who is in it just for me only. That may explain why I have been dating a lot of younger single men. Not so much the Cougar thing, as I want someone completely unattached. I'm not nice. I do not share, and I wouldn't expect a new man to put up with that from me . I 've seen too much stupid drama go down any other way. Amen.


Wow, umm... you're a bit on the crazy possessive side.

How do you see someone being "friends" with their ex spouse as sharing? Can the guy you date not have any friends at all? Or is that you're just looking for complete control over the men you choose to date.

Newsflash, lady. You can and never will be able to completely control your man unless you have him tied up in the bed and spank him for being a bad boy. Freaking hell.

My parents were married for 20 years and they are still good friends, they still do things for each other and depend on each other all the time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. My mom remarried (divorced now but...) and my Dad has been able to date freely without any problems

You're an adult, act like one.
 sassy_1974
Joined: 12/24/2006
Msg: 16
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Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/12/2009 11:38:42 PM
Im best friends with my ex husband. We've been divorced 7 years. He's welcome to my home anytime he likes and i often cook him dinner. He's also spending xmas day with us. Just recently he was in an awful relationship which at the time really screwed him up..i was there for him whenever needed. He does the same for me.
Our children benefit from this greatly!

So no, i wouldnt feel odd...id completely understand. That being said, a past relationship of mine hated our friendship and simply thought i still loved him. I took the time to sit down and explain that we are just good friends and that i love him like a brother etc but the guy just couldnt handle it. I guess some people cant.
 lets fish!
Joined: 11/21/2009
Msg: 22
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/13/2009 3:26:09 AM

NO there is NO flirting, no chance of reconciliation or any left over feelings

Right. Same with us. Well, I'll smack her on the ass after we hug sometimes, but that's about it. Is that a flirt? I don't think of it that way.


.......

Are you half blind?? did you NOT read what I wrote??

CHRIST!! bitter half wits..


why am I even bothering
 Profile-Writer
Joined: 11/13/2009
Msg: 25
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/13/2009 6:32:47 AM
To add a little to my post (msg 2).
My ex and I lived in the same state for 8 years, he lives in PA now. He's remarried and our friendship has never been a problem for anyone. I would describe it as a family relationship..a feeling. For example, in emergency I could call my sister and she would help. I have never had to do that with my sister or my EX husband but I know I could if needed... and that is a good feeling.

Happy Holidays
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 28
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Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/13/2009 8:04:26 AM
As long as the love (aside from friendship) between you and the ex is dead, and you're not having sex anymore, sure!
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 29
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/13/2009 9:48:17 AM
I don't really see the problem with people being close to their ex.
It speaks volumes.
Forgiveness is one of the greatest qualities anyone can posses.
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 30
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/13/2009 2:50:37 PM
OP... You haven't offered your own view of whether or not you would date someone who was close to their ex spouse and I wonder if it would be okay with you?

How would you feel about someone you are dating (and perhaps starting to feel seriously about) being close to her ex? Would it be okay if she hung out with him on weekends, went shopping with him, had close talks with him and allowed him to affectionately pat her butt?

I wonder... ????
 Kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 31
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Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/13/2009 3:29:45 PM
In general no, as I have a great relationship with my ex. Mind you, I'm not about to go shopping with him (unless we are sharing the cost of an item for one of the kids) or out to dinner with him (if we have to discuss the kids in person, a coffee shop will do). I have much respect for those separated or divorced couples with children that manage to keep things civil and will run if there is too much drama for either side.

I don't know the final breakdown of how your relationship ended but with the circumstnces surrounding mine there would be no chance of us being "best" friends.
He has always been welcome in my home for holiday dinners and me in his. We have met each others SO's when they were serious enough and niether have had a problem doing this. As far as discussing details of our new relationships with each other...nope! We have exchanged a few dating horror stories though and had a good laugh over them.

However, I do think the type of closness you describe with your ex-wife would bother me a bit. You do seem a bit to close. Hanging out like best buddies would get to me at some point even if I were sure there was no intimacy. Trust would certainly need to be built before I would feel comfortable with that kind of ex-relationship.
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 32
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/13/2009 3:38:15 PM
I'm an aquantence with one ex and a friend with another. I personally don't care if my man is still friends with his ex(s) (kids involved or not, close or not) as long as stay within the friendship boundaries and no romantic feelings left towards them. Things like that. As long as can trust your partner and your partner knows how to say no... if need me no longer be friends with that ex if they can't take no for an answer (hopefully don't have kids together involve if had to go this far). Lastly, can't tell a person who they can or can't be friends with.
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 34
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/13/2009 4:24:14 PM
Different strokes for different folks.
You can be close to an ex without the intimacy some posters mentioned.
You can put a present partner first and still continue other life relationships.
What makes an ex different? Both the men I loved are deceased so it really doesn't matter but I've dated men that are. To them it does. We are all adults are we not?
 Mayzie008
Joined: 11/27/2009
Msg: 35
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Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/13/2009 4:30:11 PM
I wouldn't. I would always be thinking, "didn't they break up for a reason?"
If you couldnt tolerate them enough to stay in the relationship, why are you going back over? why are going to dinner? WHY????? I wouldnt. I would think there was something wrong with my partner if they were okay with me going out to dinner with my ex bf of 3 years to dinner and hanging out at his house. Its not right to me
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 37
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Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/13/2009 7:35:51 PM
Personally, no. But since she's such good friends with him, I'd want to spend enough time that I am good friends with him as well. It will give me a very good insight into her, as a person chooses friends that reflect her personality, and because if I get to spend enough time with him, they will both let their guard down sometime, and let loose an inadvertent slip which will prove whether or not they are "more".
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 41
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/13/2009 9:04:29 PM
OP... I am still looking forward to reading your response to the question I asked you in msg. 40.

Meanwhile, I will answer yours. I would not "feel odd" about dating someone who was as close to their ex-spouse as you've described but that would be simply because I enjoyed his companionship at a "dating" level without anticipating deepening it.

Apart from your living apart and not being sexual, you are still, in many ways, "a family unit". It's tough enough to feel a sense of belonging when you're new in someone's life without also feeling shut out because you can't possibly share the 20 years of memories and habits the 2 ex-spouses are chuckling over.

I wouldn't date someone who was disrespectful and horrible toward their ex-spouse (unless I knew for certain she deserved it) but in dating someone who is very close with their ex, I would retain a much higher level of detachment.

I should also say that if I became exclusive with someone who was still patting his ex-wife's ass, I would very soon become just another one of their memories.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 43
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Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/14/2009 7:17:49 AM

Now my question: would you feel odd about dating someone who was that close to his/her ex-spouse in such a scenario?
I'm sure that I couldn't answer that question HONESTLY until I was actually confronted with it; HOWEVER....as "odd" as it is, I have an extremely similar situation with my ex. We are "best friends", but with NO romantic intimacy.

LOL! I've even tried to "fix him up"....I wish he'd marry a woman who cooks so I could go to HIS house and mooch a meal once in a while like he does here! LOL!

While I've had different men comment about how "weird" our relationship is...some have expressed a more positive opinion...that it's nice we get along so well. The fact that I'm raising 2 of our young grandchildren also keeps him pretty involved in "our" lives, and quite honestly....I doubt I could do what I do without his help....particularly on the weekends....when I have plans....and he babysits!!! LOL!

I've also found him to be an invaluable source of...."reality checks"; after 25 years of marriage...no one knows me better.

In spite of however weird someone else may think the situation to be Central, I think it speaks highly of your maturity and ability to let go of past issues, accept situations for what they are, and to move on...WITHOUT being "bitter" or emotionally crippled by something that didn't work well in one capacity (marriage) but that seems to work quite well for both of you in another. (friendship)
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 44
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/14/2009 7:55:25 AM
I don't think it's weird at all; it's good to know others out their are forgiving and caring enough to do more than just try to get along.
 mcalgary
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 50
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Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/14/2009 9:18:39 AM

Short answer....I would not date someone with that type of "friends" relationship with their ex. Going shopping and to dinner like girlfriends??? What??

I think people who carry on these types of relationships with their ex's are not able to move on in their lives. They hold on to whatever was still "good" and spend all their time in limbo...while they are shopping and going to dinner. It's like a child who needs to get rid of the dependency on the baby blanket ...so they cut a little piece off until it's gone. Well, you can't even cut the pieces off...still holding on to the blanket.
I haven't a clue what you mean by" core intimacy" but I suspect that if someone is spending so much time with their ex they are not capable of being intimate with me.
Frankly, I think it is a little weird.


Sometimes you remain friends, mostly, because you are parenting children together and it is far more healthy for your children if you are friendly with your ex then constantly fighting. I do agree though that if the two are like best friends and tell each other everything and hang out all the time, it could be quite weird.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 51
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Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/14/2009 9:55:12 AM
Personally, I would find it odd having a partner spending so much time with an Ex.
When exactly does the 'moving on' part of your life begin??? My question to you OP is how would you feel if a new partner has no desire to be buddies with your Ex wife? Can you cut the cord?
I'm all for a cordial relationship where the job of co-parenting comes first but I have no desire to be forced to be one big happy with her. I have my own life and family and friends I would want my partner to become a part of that as well as creating our own circle. But being the third wheel wit your Ex wife? No thank you.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 53
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/14/2009 12:32:47 PM
Jealousy is such a crazy thing for some people, isn't it? It can be "rationalized" in so many ways. The same type of people who just can't wrap their heads around friendshps and the many different types of friendships are the same type of people who, as children, couldn't wrap their head around it. My b/f's 11 year old daughter even has to struggle with this with her young girlfriends. If they have fun together, one of them invariably figures they are "best friends" and their jealousy rears its ugly head and they get all catty and disrespectful of the other friendships his daughter may have - so she ends it with jealous ones, not the other way around. It seems to me this attitude carries on to those same type of people as they mature. I wouldn't think of attempting to control in any way the friendship my b/f has with his ex, nor would he do likewise with me and mine. I guess that comes with knowing and trusting who you are with in a relationship. If you don't know or trust them, then you have no business being with them.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 57
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/18/2009 3:59:46 PM
IMO you're both using the friendship to keep romantic possibilities at arms' length. You're not the first pair to do this and you won't be the last... You already know that it will very reliably cause problems with anyone who wants to get serious with you. This isn't news. If that effect weren't desirable to you, you'd do something to change it.

A Star Trek fan might refer to this as the Cling-On Way. It isn't all that uncommon, and is usually temporary.

Staying friendly with an ex, catching up by e-mail or phone maybe every month or two... if there are kids together, doing some comfortable co-parenting, dinner once a week, that sort of thing, assuming I will be welcome eventually if things go well... all fine, all healthy, IMO - ideal, even.

Hanging out as each other's BFF - well, in that case, then about 80% of the position for which I would have been applying is already filled. So I'm just going to look someplace else, where there's a real opening.
 weekend_soccer
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 59
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Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 4/11/2010 3:57:43 PM
of course not. I do not date married people and I do not date people who still have a close relationship with their ex boyfriend or spouse. No one with any self respect would
 errant71
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 61
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 4/11/2010 8:22:08 PM
Different strokes for different folks ...

I wouldn't have an issue dating someone who has a close relationship ... with anyone else. I hope anyone I date has those people in their lives since having caring, loving relationships is what life is about IMO.

But I don't have a problem talking about getting my needs met either. If I feel someone or something is getting in the way of that happening I can confront/discuss/address that.

And ... I don't expect anyone to give 100% to me ... nor will I give 100% in return. Relationships are about finding balance ... about you time, me time, us time. I have friends, I have family, I have obligations ... no one gets 100%. But ... my SO will always get top priority when he needs it ... and mostly when he simply wants it!
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 62
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 4/12/2010 3:00:22 PM
the OP is gone.

HOWEVER- I really think he regrets the fact that the relationship never worked out.

maybe he even wants to be back with her.

that's where I'm putting my money.

BUT- I would not date someone like that. Someone who is still in a "friendship" relationship with their ex.

Its just not healthy most all of the time.

And I would not compete for a woman. Never have, never will.

Relationships are difficult enough to not have to deal with that kind of crap
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