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 mcalgary
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 50
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Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

Short answer....I would not date someone with that type of "friends" relationship with their ex. Going shopping and to dinner like girlfriends??? What??

I think people who carry on these types of relationships with their ex's are not able to move on in their lives. They hold on to whatever was still "good" and spend all their time in limbo...while they are shopping and going to dinner. It's like a child who needs to get rid of the dependency on the baby blanket ...so they cut a little piece off until it's gone. Well, you can't even cut the pieces off...still holding on to the blanket.
I haven't a clue what you mean by" core intimacy" but I suspect that if someone is spending so much time with their ex they are not capable of being intimate with me.
Frankly, I think it is a little weird.


Sometimes you remain friends, mostly, because you are parenting children together and it is far more healthy for your children if you are friendly with your ex then constantly fighting. I do agree though that if the two are like best friends and tell each other everything and hang out all the time, it could be quite weird.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 51
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Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/14/2009 9:55:12 AM
Personally, I would find it odd having a partner spending so much time with an Ex.
When exactly does the 'moving on' part of your life begin??? My question to you OP is how would you feel if a new partner has no desire to be buddies with your Ex wife? Can you cut the cord?
I'm all for a cordial relationship where the job of co-parenting comes first but I have no desire to be forced to be one big happy with her. I have my own life and family and friends I would want my partner to become a part of that as well as creating our own circle. But being the third wheel wit your Ex wife? No thank you.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 53
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/14/2009 12:32:47 PM
Jealousy is such a crazy thing for some people, isn't it? It can be "rationalized" in so many ways. The same type of people who just can't wrap their heads around friendshps and the many different types of friendships are the same type of people who, as children, couldn't wrap their head around it. My b/f's 11 year old daughter even has to struggle with this with her young girlfriends. If they have fun together, one of them invariably figures they are "best friends" and their jealousy rears its ugly head and they get all catty and disrespectful of the other friendships his daughter may have - so she ends it with jealous ones, not the other way around. It seems to me this attitude carries on to those same type of people as they mature. I wouldn't think of attempting to control in any way the friendship my b/f has with his ex, nor would he do likewise with me and mine. I guess that comes with knowing and trusting who you are with in a relationship. If you don't know or trust them, then you have no business being with them.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 57
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 12/18/2009 3:59:46 PM
IMO you're both using the friendship to keep romantic possibilities at arms' length. You're not the first pair to do this and you won't be the last... You already know that it will very reliably cause problems with anyone who wants to get serious with you. This isn't news. If that effect weren't desirable to you, you'd do something to change it.

A Star Trek fan might refer to this as the Cling-On Way. It isn't all that uncommon, and is usually temporary.

Staying friendly with an ex, catching up by e-mail or phone maybe every month or two... if there are kids together, doing some comfortable co-parenting, dinner once a week, that sort of thing, assuming I will be welcome eventually if things go well... all fine, all healthy, IMO - ideal, even.

Hanging out as each other's BFF - well, in that case, then about 80% of the position for which I would have been applying is already filled. So I'm just going to look someplace else, where there's a real opening.
 weekend_soccer
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 59
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Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 4/11/2010 3:57:43 PM
of course not. I do not date married people and I do not date people who still have a close relationship with their ex boyfriend or spouse. No one with any self respect would
 errant71
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 61
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 4/11/2010 8:22:08 PM
Different strokes for different folks ...

I wouldn't have an issue dating someone who has a close relationship ... with anyone else. I hope anyone I date has those people in their lives since having caring, loving relationships is what life is about IMO.

But I don't have a problem talking about getting my needs met either. If I feel someone or something is getting in the way of that happening I can confront/discuss/address that.

And ... I don't expect anyone to give 100% to me ... nor will I give 100% in return. Relationships are about finding balance ... about you time, me time, us time. I have friends, I have family, I have obligations ... no one gets 100%. But ... my SO will always get top priority when he needs it ... and mostly when he simply wants it!
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 62
Would You Date Someone Who is Close to their Ex Spouse?
Posted: 4/12/2010 3:00:22 PM
the OP is gone.

HOWEVER- I really think he regrets the fact that the relationship never worked out.

maybe he even wants to be back with her.

that's where I'm putting my money.

BUT- I would not date someone like that. Someone who is still in a "friendship" relationship with their ex.

Its just not healthy most all of the time.

And I would not compete for a woman. Never have, never will.

Relationships are difficult enough to not have to deal with that kind of crap
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