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Show ALL Forums  > Science/philosophy  > A good friend of mine died last week....      Home login  
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 coveredinpaint
Joined: 7/13/2009
Msg: 31
A good friend of mine died last week....Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

Although most people if not all people are scared and worried about death; I see death as a very peaceful act in itself . Did you notice how peaceful and innocent a dead person looks ?. Once the person is dead and does not feel anything, I think there is only peace in them .


Death is a peaceful "act"? How about "state of being"?

I know what you mean though. Right before my buddy died of drugs last year, he had been coming over and was restless, itching all over, and had anxiety and pain. He had a lot of mental and physical anguish that he had to deal with everyday due to the drugs and his health problems. When I saw him in his coffin, he was finally asleep and in peace. At least death can be beneficial in that it prevents further suffering.
 ryanrucker
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 32
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/7/2010 11:31:02 AM
aahhhh (sigh)

yes i death is the final moment of peace, if you are not afraid of going to hell.

i am not suicidal by any means, but I welcome will welcome death with open arms. (once i feel I have accomplish all I am here too.

I crashed my motorcycle and although it was insanely painful and 'graphic', ( ya know, bones sticking out everywhere!) once i had lost enough blood that i went into shock, everything became extremely bright, calm, clear and peaceful. During the helicopter ride I slipped out of consciousness and it wasn't until my family arrived at the hospital I stabilized.

Death and the Sun are the only 'constants' in life.
 thepleasantt
Joined: 12/27/2009
Msg: 33
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/7/2010 2:29:31 PM
I think the fear of death has more to do with the dying than being dead, and the fear of the unknown. There are unfortunately a minority of people who go out without any pain. Knowing your body is breaking down and getting ready to end can be frightening for even the strongest person.

As to funerals : I sat down once to write out what I thought should happen at my funeral, but I got no further than a few words before I realized my funeral isn't for me, it's for the people left behind. It's a way for people to grieve, let go and touch the reality that the person really is gone.

Lecutter - I've heard this story a lot - someone who doesn't believe ends up having a religious ceremony because other family members were part of a church, or maybe they were once and stopped going. Some of my older relatives decided they didn't want a funeral at all, perhaps for this reason, since they were atheists. It might be wise for those with religious relatives to organize a ceremony in advance that does not involve this element.

I've watched all of my relatives deal with grief and what is most fascinating is how differently people deal with death - and how sensitive they get about wanting to deal with it in their own way. The problem is when they think their way is better than another. Different cultures deal with it differently as well - some people really need to see the dead body in order to come to terms with the person being gone, others can't stand to see it. Some like to be together to mourn, others like to be alone. Some like to get rid of anything that will remind them of the person, others cherish every small thing left behind. In the grieving stage, it really is the dead who are the luckiest! They don't have to deal with all of the confusion.

The only thing I could come up with at funeral would be to play "All my tears' by Emmylou Harris.
"It don't matter where you bury me, I'll be home and I'll be free. It don't matter where I lay, all my tears be washed away."
 Super_Eve
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 34
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/7/2010 2:43:16 PM

Did you notice how peaceful and innocent a dead person looks ?.


That is after they have been embalmed. I have seen lots of dead people, right after they died, (and no, I am not talking about ghosts). Most people struggle with their last breath, and it is often etched on their faces, a frozen moment, that quite frankly, freaks me out.
 ryanrucker
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 35
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/7/2010 6:43:10 PM
''Did you notice how peaceful and innocent a dead person looks ?.''


mtnwldflower........i must agree with you here.

I have witnessed two deaths in the past few years and I can't say either was peaceful.
The first Aaron James Gray........was killed in the front yard (shot at fourteen times while sitting in a car unarmed) by police officers........extremely uncalled for in my opinion.

The second was last Febuary, while still on crutches, I hobbled down to the dock to collect my thoughts, when I noticed Johnny Wayne Anderson slumped over in his fishing boat, at first glance I thought the man was wetting his hair. A few seconds later (after barely missing the the dock) he crashed his boat into the bank and he fell into the water. He expired before I could get could get to him. I did my best to give revive him. Had I not had two broken legs his chances of survival would have been much greater. I will never forget his face or his breath........very freaky RIP my friends.
 thepleasantt
Joined: 12/27/2009
Msg: 36
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/7/2010 7:16:38 PM
^ that is why monks spend their whole lives preparing for death - so they can go out peacefully and consciously. A feat so difficult it would take that long to practice.
 Super_Eve
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 37
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/7/2010 7:36:06 PM

^ that is why monks spend their whole lives preparing for death - so they can go out peacefully and consciously.


You don't know if they go out "peacefully", or "consciously". No one does. Death is probably, one of the most private experiences, a person may undergo. A lifetime spent in "preparation", does not guarantee success.

I have seen the death of a bhakti. They might be considered to be, the equivalent of a Buddhist monk...still...the same struggle, that I have seen many times. The "peace", that people might be perceiving, might be projective.


I know this guy who's best buddy suspended himself from the ceiling in the flat they shared and left his mortal coil.


Okay. So I now know this guy, who knows this guy, who's best buddy...

I, by all means, should discount my own personal experience, so that I may indulge in hearsay...

Allrighty then.
 andy510
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 38
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/10/2010 8:36:01 AM
We all know that we are all going to die one day . However it is better to be remembered for our kindness, caring, love and justice instead of nastiness, tyranny and bullying . Is science going to be able to prolong our lives for hundreds of years in the future ?. This is for another thread .
 foreveryoung898
Joined: 10/7/2009
Msg: 39
view profile
History
BOOKS
Posted: 1/11/2010 4:24:52 PM
Have you read Embraced by the Light By Betty Eddie and her two following books? Also there's another one, Saved by the Light. Interesting read
 andy510
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 40
BOOKS
Posted: 1/11/2010 5:27:26 PM
No I did not .
I am so busy these days . I am lucky if I read a newspaper or a magazine .
 LeCutter
Joined: 2/25/2009
Msg: 41
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/14/2010 12:48:58 AM
Thanks man! You seem more positive today. Tell me, has this thread helped you deal with your grief?


Absolutely. It's been really positive. It was a bad week last week though. My buddy was supposed to turn 30 last week. We were supposed to go out and rip it up for that. Man, 30, and not making it. Just too damn soon, you know?

Verygreeneyez, thanks for sharing, and I'm sorry as hell about your boy. I really am. I'm only glad in that respect I don't have kids, because I can't imagine having to bury a child of mine. I'm pretty sure I'd lose it entirely if that were the case. I really don't know how those who do manage to cope with it. It was like talking with my bud's dad at the funeral. I just reminded him how much his son loved and respected him and that the many people at the funeral - and it was large - were a symbol of how many lives he touched and how many people loved him. I hope that carries him through. And I hope it's the same for you.

As for the rest? As the old expression goes - suicide excepted - one may not choose the time or manner of one's dying, but they may choose how they face it. Now, I realize that's easier said than done, but as I stated previously, the few times I really thought that I was going to die, I was pretty damn calm and peaceful about the whole thing. I really thought, 'Far out, so this is how I go out. Who woulda thunk it?' Only to come to later - in a great deal of pain - to realize that I was still amongst the living.

We can all envision all manner of horrific ways of dying and be terrified by them, and rightly so. But it's in those absolute final moments - if you're aware - wherein the difference lay. I certainly hope that all of us has a peaceful and pain-free death that we can meet head on with dignity and even some curiosity. Oddly enough, I've always firmly believed I'll die in a plane crash. Always. Probably won't be the case, but it'd be damn weird if it comes true.

It seems a shame that we all have the same weaknesses and fears, yet have such a hard time connecting with other people, whether it be due to our foibles, theirs, or a combination of both. I've spent most of my life alone and I'm good with that. And it's not because I lack any social graces, looks, smarts, etc that many people find hard. In fact it's quite the opposite. I make friends as easy as most people breathe. Well, I should say acquaintances, because I'm very selective of who I call friend. Same with lovers. I suppose it's because I'm an 'all-or-nothing' sort of guy when it comes to relationships however.

I've never dated, simply because I've never believed in it. I've had four loves in my 42 years on this planet, and each and everyone of those women was the "Thunderbolt" - as our Italian friends say - from the very beginning. I knew we'd end up together - at least for a while. I just don't get people dating and saying 'Well, I guess we seem sympatico, so let's hang out and see what happens.' It seems to me that most people are far more afraid of being alone, and latch onto anything halfway decent than waiting for a real love to come along. Hell, maybe they're just luckier than we are, but when the divorce rate is almost 50% and general couples spliting up even higher, I doubt it.

I suppose it's probably why more of us gravitate to a place like POF where we don't expect any real results. And this forum in particular attracts so many like-minded people who get that. But at least we can commiserate together and connect here as people, if only virtually. Yet, for the good conversation and fun this forum provides, it's infinitely better than just yapping with random strangers at a bar or something.

You're all good people, you know that? And this has been such an ass-wiping bad decade - and it has when you consider it, 9/11, Dubya, a few wars, collapsed global economy, etc. - let's just hope 2010 ends on an upswing. Then again, 2012 may be the end of it all. Well, in that case I guess we won't have to worry about finding a lover or anything else for that matter, LOL!

Keep on keepin' on, brothers and sisters. I have nothing but fond wishes for y'all.

Yr. pal
The Cutter
 Dreamerxoxoxo
Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 42
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/14/2010 11:40:51 AM
msg #48>Did you notice how peaceful and innocent a dead person looks ?


That is after they have been embalmed. I have seen lots of dead people, right after they died, (and no, I am not talking about ghosts). Most people struggle with their last breath, and it is often etched on their faces, a frozen moment, that quite frankly, freaks me out.


Oh I feel blessed that wasn't my experience while being with my loved ones as they passed - in separate instances. My mom died of small cell cancer. By the time we found out she was already in stage 4 she refused any type of treatment and wanted to spend her last days at home. She lived 4 more months and I was with her when she passed. I was amazed at how calm it was. She just stopped breathing... I looked at her face and it was flawless... no lines, no expression of pain. She looked so peaceful. Her skin was not even ashen looking. Thank goodness that I didn't witness her struggle with her last breath. It would have killed me. My husband's death was just as calm. He died years before my mother so struggling with her last breath never crossed my mind.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP... grief is the worst thing I ever went through. My husband passed 13 yrs ago. The first 4 yrs were the hardest for me even though I went through years of grief counseling. There are several stages of grief: denial, blame, anger to name a few. Some people are fortunate enough to not go through them all yet for some the stages repeat. I finally came to terms with my loss and the constant question of "why" was answered one morning when I picked up my Bible and randomly opened it to the book of Job. The verse jumped off the page at me and in that I found my answer to the "why" that haunted me for 4 yrs. It said that the length of our lives is predestined and we will not be given one minute longer. To me that meant that no doctor, treatment or machine could keep my husband alive nor could any action or inaction of mine. I know there are people who have their own thoughts about the Bible and life after death.. I respect the fact that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and disbeliefs. I'm not debating the issue. I'm just saying here that on a personal note, reading those words suddenly lifted the heavy grieving that encompassed my whole being. I'll forever grieve the loss of the life I shared and enjoyed with my husband, but I've come to terms with it. I moved on from my former life and now I'm content and enjoying my new direction. Each individual experiences grief differently... therefore going through it and coming to terms with it is a personal thing. I myself, am of the belief that there is life after leaving this tent of a body. We can't take it into the next life . I'm of the belief that the soul lives on in a way beyond what we are capable of understanding.

Again, OP I'm so sorry for your loss I know what you're going through.
 andy510
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 43
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/15/2010 4:48:57 PM
I strongly believe once we die we are gone and finished, no after life, no hell, no heaven and nothing at all . Just look at a dead person does he or she looks like he or she is in hell or heaven ?!!.
 Jumbo Whiffy
Joined: 3/12/2009
Msg: 44
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/21/2010 5:26:26 AM
Frankly, I couldn't care less.

..........................................................................................................
 Jumbo Whiffy
Joined: 3/12/2009
Msg: 45
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/21/2010 6:44:18 AM
To be honest, I was dismayed with the lack of authenticity displayed by those who obviously couldn't care less.
 andy510
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 46
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/21/2010 6:52:39 AM
Those who can not care less have not seen enough tragedies in this universe of ours or simply they pretend to be above the rest of us . I do care about human pain and suffering : my real problem is there are so many tragedies in this world that I am helpless to solve them all .
 Jumbo Whiffy
Joined: 3/12/2009
Msg: 47
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/21/2010 6:59:32 AM

Those who can not care less have not seen enough tragedies in this universe of ours or simply they pretend to be above the rest of us . I do care about human pain and suffering : my real problem is there are so many tragedies in this world that I am helpless to solve them all .


Well why don't you just go and die then? After that, I'll start a thread, and heaps of people will pretend that they actually give a sh$t.
 andy510
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 48
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/21/2010 7:08:50 AM
Jumbo Whiffy or little nothing is arguing about nothing . If you do not care why on earth you keep saying it ?. Also no one is asking you to care . Those who care have sharp brains and obviously those who do do not care about human tragedies have no brains at all.....hahahah...!!!.
 coveredinpaint
Joined: 7/13/2009
Msg: 49
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/21/2010 7:16:23 AM
The title of this thread doesn't work as time goes on. Should just say "I had a friend who died once." Not many people have friends who just died. But when it happens it can be a very upsetting experience. However, over the course of our lives we all lose friends. Doesn't really work to keep consoling someone over a friend they lost two years ago, or whatever.
 Jumbo Whiffy
Joined: 3/12/2009
Msg: 50
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/21/2010 7:22:46 AM

What makes him think that we care if he cares?


Oh FFS.

I have obviously made my point, otherwise such a grand display of tartuffery would not be forthcoming. Are you consistent? Do you not know that people die? Would you not think it a little bit patronising if people who did not know you feigned distress at your loss? What sort of person are you?

One that has no honour? One that holds nothing sacred? Of course not. You are a poor example of humanity. Ready to jump on anyones coffin if it should make you look "kind".
 andy510
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 51
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/21/2010 3:50:05 PM
Generally speaking people want to hear good news and not bad ones . So people expect you to be always healthy, wealthy and happy . look and look again......how the general public keeps on kissing the rectums of the celebrates !!! . When Michael Jackson died, complete strangers were crying......and this is just one example of human stupidity and human hypocrisy . Who is closer to you : a member of POF or a celebrity ???. a celebrity does not give a damn about you . a member of POF could become your spouse, your best friend , your companion .....etc . If only people start seeing the earth as it is instead as seen from Hollywood and movies .
 Island home
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 52
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/21/2010 9:56:25 PM
Frankly, I couldn't care less.

I see that you care to express your view


To be honest, I was dismayed with the lack of authenticity displayed by those who obviously couldn't care less.

You are displaying a great deal of concern about your judgement of others authenticity


Well why don't you just go and die then? After that, I'll start a thread, and heaps of people will pretend that they actually give a sh$t.

This would be a good vehical to keep attention focused on you



Oh FFS.

I have obviously made my point,


Yes I believe you have


What sort of person are you?

One that has no honour? One that holds nothing sacred? Of course not. You are a poor example of humanity. Ready to jump on anyones coffin if it should make you look "kind".


This appears a good example of someone projecting their characteristics onto another.
Although I could be wrong here because I dont think it is an attempt to appear kind


We all deal with grief in our own way
 LeCutter
Joined: 2/25/2009
Msg: 53
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/22/2010 5:05:19 PM

Well why don't you just go and die then? After that, I'll start a thread, and heaps of people will pretend that they actually give a sh$t.


Folks, please don't feed the trolls. This is someone who's obviously seeking attention.

Jumbo, you first need to love someone in order to experience loss when they're gone. I pity you. Then again, it seems you're your own worst problem. You're obviously lonely, and you're obviously trying to inflict the hurt you feel on other people because you're afraid to connect and be vulnerable. It's your choice. And like Zep said, "There are two roads you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on."
 aremeself
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 54
view profile
History
A good friend of mine died last week....
Posted: 1/22/2010 5:46:28 PM
hey you guys, it's not a cookie cut world.
 JustDukky
Joined: 7/8/2004
Msg: 55
A good friend of mine was resurrected this week...
Posted: 1/22/2010 6:42:30 PM
A good friend of mine was resurrected this week...

I've been into genealogy for many years now. Most of the people on the ol' family tree were just regular folks who were born, lived and died rather anonymously. With the exception of the odd grave marker, not much remains to mark their passing but a name and a date. It's a pity really, because I've always wondered what these people were like. After all, I carry (presumably) some of their DNA and am in a sense the living memory of some part of them. Still, not knowing what they were like, not even having a picture for most of them, always leaves me feeling kinda unconnected from them. The relationship (if you can call it that) is largely one of the apathetic curiosity of a bookkeeper making entries in a ledger.

I don't know if I posted that I had a beloved cousin who died awhile back, but I think so. I left town to attend his funeral. It seemed to be the least I could do to pay tribute to a man I knew and cared about. Just the other day, I got a package in the mail from his widow. It contained his death notice, a transcript of the eulogy and a few other odds & ends, some old (really crumbly) papers and a note.

The note was from his widow and alluded to the old papers. She said she found them in his bureau drawer when she cleaned it out. She said it was a letter written by my dad to his adoptive uncle and I could have it, but could I make a copy for her (she was afraid they'd crumble if she tried to do it). I can see why she thought all that because the top paper had what looked to be my dad's signature on it. It turns out it wasn't. It was my great grandfather's signature, He had the same exact names as my dad and his handwriting was uncannily similar.

With the greatest of care, I opened the papers and scanned them immediately so I could get a good copy before they crumbled any further (I'm not kidding, the paper was so old & brittle it was like trying to handle the Dead Sea scrolls.) at this point I could start reading them on the computer, but I didn't do that. I set them in my hands as delicately as I could and started to read.

As I did so, the strangest feeling came over me. Let me say at this point I'm not a religious man and I don't believe in ghosts. But the only way I can describe the profundity of the feeling that swept over me is in terms of a religious experience. It's the only thing that seems to come close to doing justice to what I felt.

It was as if he came alive in my hands; as if the flesh & blood covered his mouldering old bones as I read; as if my reading was resurrecting him from the grave. It almost felt like I wasn't reading so much as listening to someone I never met, but loved nonetheless, tell me the story of his life. It felt like he was introducing himself to me and in the introduction I met a part of myself (if that makes any sense), I swear I felt his hand on my shoulder and could see him smiling approvingly as I learned who he was.

This was just about THE most profoundly moving experience of my life. I had to share it with all of you, but most of all with you, Lecutter, because like me, you are an atheist..and you wonder as I once did about the meaning of it all. You've lost loved ones and you grieve for them. You don't believe in an afterlife but in your heart, you wish it were so, because the separation is so final and such a great loss it is sometimes hard to bear.

I'm going to tell you something that I once knew to be true, but that I now FEEL to be true as well: No-one ever died who was not forgotten. In addition I would like to state with equal conviction that anyone dead, on being remembered, has been resurrected and forms an integral part of the being of the one who now remembers that which had been forgotten.

Your friend really is a part of you and will be for the rest of your life. Don't forget him.
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