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 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 386
Why do men find it hard to be friends?Page 11 of 44    (4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44)
"Why do men find it hard to be friends?"
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Because they want to get into her pants and as a low friend it won't happen "just like that". However, if they dance around long enough it might just happen, especially when she's already in a relationship with somebody else and they just had a little argument. He then offers his false friendship - a shoulder to cry on. He nows sees his best chance to whip it out and MAYBE, after months or even years of no self respect, to stick in there. The false friendship is thereby broken, her boyfriend finds out and all three become losers.
 mrnova66
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 387
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/12/2010 5:05:52 PM
I agree 100% Gideonjoe^^^^Me personally i gave up on the "Friend game" that women play..They love to play with a mans emotions..Once i see a woman that want to play games i am so out of that situation..I am drama free..I do not have time for some Drama queen..I leave those for the drama kings.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 388
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/12/2010 6:59:09 PM
Let's turn this around a bit and ask why, if the woman isn't involved with someone, why she doesn't sleep with her male friends in the meantime? They want YOU to fix things and help them move...they should get you off now and then.... lol! I'm sure the women could find more men willing to be "friends"!
 Big_fun_wave
Joined: 2/28/2009
Msg: 389
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/13/2010 4:11:01 PM
I recently read on the msn homepage, where they often publicize certain statistics and survey results. According to what I read, most often, one of the people who's supposedly just wanting to be friends always has higher hopes of something more intimacy wise. Food for thought.
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 390
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/14/2010 5:17:33 AM
I always find it funny when women answer these posts and say they have male friends; I always wonder if they are close friends, like your best woman friend from high school. The majority of men have responded the way they feel. Sure there might be a few guys who are okay with the friends thing. But if women were really paying attention, the response is obvious.

I have also found that very often a woman and a man won't be friends like same sex friends are.

I had a couple of guy friends like that once. Guess what happened?

It would be interesting to take a poll to see how many times someone uttered the "let's be friends" phrase and ended up either in bed or basically just wanted to.

There is a woman I know that has lots of male attention and keeps male friends (texting them etc.). I bet every man would hit that given the chance.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 391
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/14/2010 8:55:45 AM

Which got me thinking about the male freinds I do have - which are mostly with a significant other - so I dont think that counts!

Men and women also seem to have a somewhat different idea of what ``friends'' means. In particular, women are more likely to lump acquaintences and even ``people they know'' in with ``friends,'' whereas guys seem to use the term to mean people they actually hang around with and talk to frequently for a particular reason You may have male friends with SOs, but I'll bet you don't call them up and run off to spend the day shoe shopping together while their SO runs off to do something else. My fiancee would think it mighty strange if I did that.

My fancee refers to the 100+ people (many of them male) whose phone numbers are on her cell phone as her ``friends,'' even though she hasn't talked to many or even most them in 6 months, a year or even more.
She of course, thinks she has lots of male friends, even though the two or three people she actually stays in touch with on a weekly basis are all female.

That being said, my best friend is a woman, so I know it IS possible for men and women to be friends. The circumstances are sort of unusual, though. She's an escort and her double life makes it difficult for her to trust anyone to know both of her identities and not worry that the person she's trusted won't want something from her if she confides in him. We're frends precisely because sex is what she does for job and for that reason, she places a great deal of value on a friendship in which sex is as far removed as possible.
I'm one person who couldn't pay her for it. It isn't a typical situation, so it doesn't really count as much of a counterexample.

As a guy, I have a little difficulty understanding how a single woman could consider me a friend yet think having sex with me would be more unpleasant than I she thinks it would be for me to crawl under her car. If my eewww factor to her is that high, I'd have to wonder why she considered me a friend.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 393
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/14/2010 11:15:35 AM
According to what I read, most often, one of the people who's supposedly just wanting to be friends always has higher hopes of something more intimacy wise.

ONE of the people of the two -- ie the person who was TOLD that. :) Of course. You may say it to make sure, even if neither party is that attracted to the other. But yeah, a vast majority of the time, it's said BECAUSE it's at least kinda obvious the other person wants them and they don't.

the male freinds I do have - which are mostly with a significant other - so I dont think that counts!

Yeah, I wouldn't count that either -- including that in stats can mislead. That's more of an agreement on not causing complications -- not what someone emotionally wants per se.

And then the same friend told me -" they still want to shag you!"

Yes. Well, most... depends on how you'd call them a 'friend'. 'Friend' used loosely means "we're cool"... it doesn't mean you hang out with them or anything.

I like to call it one-on-one friends. If they want to be one-on-one friends (frequently texting, emailing, and desiring to hang out one-on-one with ya sometimes), YES, they do want to shag you 95%+ of the time. That doesn't mean a real friendship is never established ... but they have more-than-friends feelings, even if passive. And hey, if he has a gf, he may not WANT to do that anyway. Of course the best sign is, when he does have a gf (or you have a bf), the communication will drop pretty low, comparatively.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 394
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/14/2010 4:01:36 PM
"Of course over the years I have run into situations where I have inevitably ended up sleeping with a male "freind"..."
-----------------
Right. So now when you're looking back you know exactly why they're still hanging around you and others like flies. It's for one and one thing only. Rejection stinks but hanging in there hoping, praying, that ONE day, MAYBE, a chick lets him to get into her pants is even worse. Friendship doesn't work or at LEAST very rarely. Most women know exactly, precisely, that it doesn't work. Instead they just put a label on it - "friendship". Obviously she gets something out of it, if nothing else then the attention when the poor ba$tard thinks that he still has a chance after 6 months or whatever. But, above all this rubbish, the worst thing is definitely when they drag these so called friends into a new relationship and then excepts HIM to accept them as, yeah - friends. *laugh*
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 395
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/14/2010 4:38:10 PM
Men and women also seem to have a somewhat different idea of what ``friends'' means. In particular, women are more likely to lump acquaintences and even ``people they know'' in with ``friends,'' whereas guys seem to use the term to mean people they actually hang around with and talk to frequently for a particular reason You may have male friends with SOs, but I'll bet you don't call them up and run off to spend the day shoe shopping together while their SO runs off to do something else. My fiancee would think it mighty strange if I did that.


The only men I consider close enough to call friends are men I've known for 20 + years - we grew up together. All others are not friends. And yeah when I have a SO, I don't run off with my male friends. We rarely see each other anymore anyway, but we maintain contact for important things. There has and always has been a level of friendship with different people for me.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 396
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/14/2010 5:40:41 PM
Rejection stinks but hanging in there hoping, praying, that ONE day, MAYBE, a chick lets him to get into her pants is even worse.

That hope to be that situation where the gal ends up sleeping with a male 'friend'. But to be fair, it's rarely ever the guy they once rejected in recent memory, but more often it's a guy who never made a move before and was always a 'friend' thru work, mutual friends, fellow regular at a hang-out, etc.

One thing rejected-to-LJBF guys need to understand is that there's a distinct difference between that and still hanging around w/ hope. Many girls have male friends who they find reasonably attractive, and in the right moment/atmosphere at some point, would be apt to sleep with. In the wrong moment, that guy can end up being a rejected-to-LJBF type which at that point -- good luck.

Such guys called a 'friend' by default thru mutual friends or fellow regular at a hang-out or work, etc., are in neutral territory. A guy has to be able to "read the defense" well enough to gauge her probable interest level, and the right time to make any move. That's why you find some guys too afraid to ever make "the move" on a female friend they've always liked and sensed a little liking back his way -- because he may be overly concerned on execution to perfection. Of course, there are female friends who are obviously in like with a guy, and that should be pretty easy on when to make a move (both single; avoiding complications amongst others, etc).
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 397
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/15/2010 7:07:22 AM
"That hope to be that situation where the gal ends up sleeping with a male 'friend'. But to be fair, it's rarely ever the guy they once rejected in recent memory, but more often it's a guy who never made a move before and was always a 'friend' thru work, mutual friends, fellow regular at a hang-out, etc."
------------
Yes. I agree with that. The worst, "rotten eggs" will be usually be found in her proximity such as at work, school or like you mentioned a hang-out someplace. I think that when you're single it's one thing but when you're not, and in respect towards the other, "friends" like that should be totally "eliminated" from the picture so to speak. On a side note, I believe that such relationships through work rarely make it beyond the bedroom anyway. You have a situation where somebody's drooling over a colleague, they end up fu|king and that's it. The direct consequence is a rather unpleasant atmosphere at work/school instead - how sweet.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 398
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/15/2010 8:36:13 AM
So Im assuming this only applies to single females!?

I suppose that depends on your sexual preferences and whether or not being married and sleeping with a friend or sleeping with a married partner appeals to you. I'm heterosexual, I don't cheat and I don't sleep with married women, so candidates for having sex instead of watching a movie together, or whatever, would be limited to single females (if I were still single).

I do get it - I just find it hard to accept that men see freindship as a rejection!

If you called a male friend who, for example, was a mechanic and something was wrong with your car, wouldn't you think it was a little weird if you asked him to take a look at your car and he said he wasn't interested in you to help you with your car?

To me freindship is something that lasts beyond any relationship.

A friendship is a relationship. I would think that a guy and a girl who are friends and are both single might find having sex on Saturday night to be more fun than just watching a movie (assuming both actually like sex).

And I dont find myself wanting to have sex with the close male freinds I have now!

My guess is what you call close friends is more like people I would call acquaintances. The difference is that I don't mind friends imposing on me and vice versa.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 399
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/15/2010 9:37:45 PM


If you called a male friend who, for example, was a mechanic and something was wrong with your car, wouldn't you think it was a little weird if you asked him to take a look at your car and he said he wasn't interested in you to help you with your car?


Lol! I love it!
Oh, I'm sorry... I just don't feel that way about you... I think you're nice and all, but just don't see you as a customer!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 400
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/16/2010 12:34:35 AM

I do get it - I just find it hard to accept that men see freindship as a rejection!

Really? Think of it this way -- about a guy you really like, thinking about the kiss, having a second date... He really liked you! He took you out, was figuring you out, just as you were to him... but then on that second date, him telling you -- "You're nice/sweet/kind, but, I think we should just be friends."

How is that NOT a rejection? lol Do you understand the English language?

To me freindship is something that lasts beyond any relationship.

Friendship is PART of a relationship. EVERY relationship, term used loosely, is a friendship. A Dating-Relationship, goes beyond just friendship. You have it mixed. Again -- READ -- you have it mixed. :) Common sense mixed.

When it comes to this topic, too many naive (I could use a real negative term here but I won't) people think that substituting a real connection with a 'friendship' means more. No -- that means you have issues. Which is fine. It happens to many of us at certain points, but please, don't try and convince yourself with the support of idiot friends that that's the way the world works, because it doesn't. Look around you!

When you start dating someone, whether playing dumb games of "friends first" or NOT, either way, you're developing a friendship. We all know that. Taking it slow on the acceleration is a good thing, don't get me wrong -- but there's a big difference between trying to play "cousins" vs taking things for real. Come on! :)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 402
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/16/2010 8:04:46 AM
Now, if we only talked to and were friendly with guys we were attracted to and wanted to sleep with, would that help you guys any? I mean, it'd sure be easy to keep track of things that way for us.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 403
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/16/2010 8:22:50 AM

I love how the women here on POF are totally cool with the Platonic Crap and the males despise it. This is very interesting dynamics. Anyone have ideas as to why this is? Penny for your thoughts.


Probably because THEY are actually the ones most afraid of a full blown relationship!
Putting guys in the "friend" zone gives them control at the same time having the benefit of having a man around since there's a good percentage of men who will bend over backwards to get the chance to have any female attention. These are the same men who claim internet dating doesn't work etc. and they let women use them. They become frustrated and turn into the c@ckblock friend that tries to sabotage your relationship with the woman because he's there letting her cry on his shoulder, gathering info and waiting for his opportunity to throw you under, be the hero then finally nail her. Of course if he actually DOES nail her he will do to her exactly what he kept saying you would do...dump or use her!

There just aren't that many strong men left these days and the ones who are strong find that many women are afraid of strong men now. Guys all try to play the nice guy, then they wind up being passive aggressive instead of a strong man who will communicate his needs, wants and desires openly and won't take crap from anyone, yet does this in a tactful and loving manner. ....I don't expect this concept to be very well received though since too many on the forums will have a distorted knee-jerk reaction.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 405
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/16/2010 9:07:06 AM
Now, if we only talked to and were friendly with guys we were attracted to and wanted to sleep with, would that help you guys any?

It wouldn't help me, since I don't have a problem knowing who my real friends are, one of whom happens to be a woman. It might help cut down on the ``nice guy'' threads and threads from women who are surprised to discover that the guys they can always call for favors just hit on them as if it were a shock.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 407
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/16/2010 10:14:29 AM
^ I was thinking more like anywhere. Groups, dates, passing on the street, whatever. If you're not fvckable to me (and most of us can tell that in a couple minutes as you know), then I don't want to know ya. Deal?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 408
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/16/2010 11:20:10 AM

Im not talking about asking someone to be a friend after a date - of course that is a rejection!

How else could there be a 'rejection' if a request or situation didn't call for something else, but denied by the other?

what Im saying is I find it hard to believe that ALL single men will feel that way about every single female they come into contact with!
I was addressing the subject matter "why do men find it so hard to be friends?"

NO guy -- and I mean NO guy -- sees that as a rejection. No guy. A 'rejection' requires him to make a move, or be in a more-than-friends situation already, and the girl to deny his request or desire. Just meeting someone and being 'friends' -- getting to know her on neutral ground -- isn't a rejection or scoffed at.

A guy doesn't have a problem with knowing a gal and considering her a friend. Not at all.

The problem is:
a) A guy, after being rejected, does not want to instead "just be friends". Even if he continues down that path (for reason of hope of reversal), he still has problems with it.

b) A guy developing a close friendship with a gal from a singles bar or site. Yah -- no, he doesn't want to do that. Why? I mean, it can happen -- but not often or likely because he's not looking for 'friendships'.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 412
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/17/2010 2:00:21 PM
I've only ever had one two female friends that I would hang out with outside of work that I didn't sleep with... technically one...the other would sleep with me, we just never had sex....

EDIT: The one I never slept with was because I didn't find her attractive and the one I slept with but didn't have sex with....I'm not sure why... I would've had sex with her if she'd have given the green light.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 413
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/17/2010 3:28:07 PM

That's pretty much how it works in real life anyway, doesn't it? Count how many men you've encountered in your life versus how many you've actually had a non-work/school relationship with, sexual or otherwise.

Actually, I'm friendly with everyone and really would hang out with anyone I thought was cool, I've no problem being one of the guys, or one of the girls. It's men that usually take it all into that whole "boy, girl" thing, not me.
 runningjavi
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 414
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/17/2010 9:09:27 PM
I'm sure this has been mentioned before but seriously if you are looking for friends then join facebook or myspace. Last I checked this is a dating site.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 415
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/17/2010 9:47:41 PM

I'm sure this has been mentioned before but seriously if you are looking for friends then join facebook or myspace. Last I checked this is a dating site.

Wouldn't it be convenient for you if everyone sorted themselves out so you wouldn't have to deal with anyone not looking for what you are?

Yes, this is primarily a dating site - but that's not all it is. If it were the creators wouldn't have included a bunch of other options to choose from. They'd have forced those who don't wish to date to join another site.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 416
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/17/2010 11:37:07 PM

The worst is when I've been friendly with a woman and I see she is dating a total jerk and I explain the games he's pulling then she turns on me and says I'm just trying to ruin it for her.



Yes...that is the worst, and generally the straw that will break the proverbial camel's back.

Any man your female friend dates that doesn't respect her as much as you do, is the ultimate form of rejection. A male friend will tolerate a rival male that is his equal or better....anything less is a slap in the face and highly disrespectful to him because he has put aside any male urges because he respects and cares for you enough to be your friend.

This will often be enough to devalue the female to the point of losing any interest in in her for friendship, romance or sex.
 Captain_Wayne
Joined: 5/24/2010
Msg: 417
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/17/2010 11:51:42 PM
Then there is my ex-girlfriend, who seemed surprised that I did not want to be friends when she told me after nine months, I was only supposed to have been a weekend fling.
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