Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 402
Why do men find it hard to be friends?Page 12 of 44    (4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44)
Now, if we only talked to and were friendly with guys we were attracted to and wanted to sleep with, would that help you guys any? I mean, it'd sure be easy to keep track of things that way for us.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 403
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/16/2010 8:22:50 AM

I love how the women here on POF are totally cool with the Platonic Crap and the males despise it. This is very interesting dynamics. Anyone have ideas as to why this is? Penny for your thoughts.


Probably because THEY are actually the ones most afraid of a full blown relationship!
Putting guys in the "friend" zone gives them control at the same time having the benefit of having a man around since there's a good percentage of men who will bend over backwards to get the chance to have any female attention. These are the same men who claim internet dating doesn't work etc. and they let women use them. They become frustrated and turn into the c@ckblock friend that tries to sabotage your relationship with the woman because he's there letting her cry on his shoulder, gathering info and waiting for his opportunity to throw you under, be the hero then finally nail her. Of course if he actually DOES nail her he will do to her exactly what he kept saying you would do...dump or use her!

There just aren't that many strong men left these days and the ones who are strong find that many women are afraid of strong men now. Guys all try to play the nice guy, then they wind up being passive aggressive instead of a strong man who will communicate his needs, wants and desires openly and won't take crap from anyone, yet does this in a tactful and loving manner. ....I don't expect this concept to be very well received though since too many on the forums will have a distorted knee-jerk reaction.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 405
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/16/2010 9:07:06 AM
Now, if we only talked to and were friendly with guys we were attracted to and wanted to sleep with, would that help you guys any?

It wouldn't help me, since I don't have a problem knowing who my real friends are, one of whom happens to be a woman. It might help cut down on the ``nice guy'' threads and threads from women who are surprised to discover that the guys they can always call for favors just hit on them as if it were a shock.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 407
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/16/2010 10:14:29 AM
^ I was thinking more like anywhere. Groups, dates, passing on the street, whatever. If you're not fvckable to me (and most of us can tell that in a couple minutes as you know), then I don't want to know ya. Deal?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 408
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/16/2010 11:20:10 AM

Im not talking about asking someone to be a friend after a date - of course that is a rejection!

How else could there be a 'rejection' if a request or situation didn't call for something else, but denied by the other?

what Im saying is I find it hard to believe that ALL single men will feel that way about every single female they come into contact with!
I was addressing the subject matter "why do men find it so hard to be friends?"

NO guy -- and I mean NO guy -- sees that as a rejection. No guy. A 'rejection' requires him to make a move, or be in a more-than-friends situation already, and the girl to deny his request or desire. Just meeting someone and being 'friends' -- getting to know her on neutral ground -- isn't a rejection or scoffed at.

A guy doesn't have a problem with knowing a gal and considering her a friend. Not at all.

The problem is:
a) A guy, after being rejected, does not want to instead "just be friends". Even if he continues down that path (for reason of hope of reversal), he still has problems with it.

b) A guy developing a close friendship with a gal from a singles bar or site. Yah -- no, he doesn't want to do that. Why? I mean, it can happen -- but not often or likely because he's not looking for 'friendships'.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 412
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/17/2010 2:00:21 PM
I've only ever had one two female friends that I would hang out with outside of work that I didn't sleep with... technically one...the other would sleep with me, we just never had sex....

EDIT: The one I never slept with was because I didn't find her attractive and the one I slept with but didn't have sex with....I'm not sure why... I would've had sex with her if she'd have given the green light.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 413
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/17/2010 3:28:07 PM

That's pretty much how it works in real life anyway, doesn't it? Count how many men you've encountered in your life versus how many you've actually had a non-work/school relationship with, sexual or otherwise.

Actually, I'm friendly with everyone and really would hang out with anyone I thought was cool, I've no problem being one of the guys, or one of the girls. It's men that usually take it all into that whole "boy, girl" thing, not me.
 runningjavi
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 414
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/17/2010 9:09:27 PM
I'm sure this has been mentioned before but seriously if you are looking for friends then join facebook or myspace. Last I checked this is a dating site.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 415
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/17/2010 9:47:41 PM

I'm sure this has been mentioned before but seriously if you are looking for friends then join facebook or myspace. Last I checked this is a dating site.

Wouldn't it be convenient for you if everyone sorted themselves out so you wouldn't have to deal with anyone not looking for what you are?

Yes, this is primarily a dating site - but that's not all it is. If it were the creators wouldn't have included a bunch of other options to choose from. They'd have forced those who don't wish to date to join another site.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 416
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/17/2010 11:37:07 PM

The worst is when I've been friendly with a woman and I see she is dating a total jerk and I explain the games he's pulling then she turns on me and says I'm just trying to ruin it for her.



Yes...that is the worst, and generally the straw that will break the proverbial camel's back.

Any man your female friend dates that doesn't respect her as much as you do, is the ultimate form of rejection. A male friend will tolerate a rival male that is his equal or better....anything less is a slap in the face and highly disrespectful to him because he has put aside any male urges because he respects and cares for you enough to be your friend.

This will often be enough to devalue the female to the point of losing any interest in in her for friendship, romance or sex.
 Captain_Wayne
Joined: 5/24/2010
Msg: 417
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/17/2010 11:51:42 PM
Then there is my ex-girlfriend, who seemed surprised that I did not want to be friends when she told me after nine months, I was only supposed to have been a weekend fling.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 418
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/17/2010 11:58:32 PM
^ Heh, and then there's my ex-GF who walked out the door after just shy of 5 years together, cheating on me... and on the way to the u-haul full of her stuff, tells me...
"I still want to be friends, and still do things together like shoot pool and go out together..."

... uhhhhh....
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 419
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/18/2010 12:35:50 PM
Javi: FB IS, basically, nothing BUT a dating site - in disguise if you like. FB by the way is a perfect example of this "friend" $hit that this thread is about. So you have a bunch of bozos pretending to be friends with good-looking, single and NOT single women. Personally I'm not on FB and never will be - not even if someone would pay me to register and use my real name, location, etc. I don't need fake friends or call people I haven't seen or been in contact with for years - friends. If I've made it this far I'll sure as heck do just fine without them in the future as well. I just wonder how many marriages and relationships have gone down the tubes thanks to stupidity like that to begin with.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 420
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/18/2010 6:41:18 PM

I'm new to area & would appreciate a golf or kayaking partner too. Bummer


And as soon as you've settled and are dating or found a bf, these convenient "golf buddies" will find you will be "teeing off" with somebody else. Of course they aren't interested...there's something awfully temporary about getting involved with the "new girl in town".
 FunkTheMillenium
Joined: 7/11/2010
Msg: 422
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/18/2010 9:29:45 PM
as robert koi said above, about online networking sites such as facebook/ etc ruining relationships and about guys lurking around pretending to be friends with available and UNavailable women i can vouch for that.

i have had relationships ruined because of guys on those sites hanging around flirting with my ex gf's. one thing led to another etc etc. it does happen and more than people would think.
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 424
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/18/2010 11:33:55 PM
What's interesting is how all you men seem to know this situation sooooo well. You say you don't like it, but you do it because you think you're gonna get some.

Whatever.


i have had relationships ruined because of guys on those sites hanging around flirting with my ex gf's. one thing led to another etc etc. it does happen and more than people would think.


One thing that some people don't seem to get is that people allow these temptations into their lives. I know when I am commited in a relationship, my entire vibe is hands off. While others deem it okay to continue to flirt "innocently" with the opposite sex when their partner is not around. I always wonder how this person would feel watching their partner do the exact same thing. As a woman who really gets why most men don't "wanna be friends", my understanding of all this crap doesn't make me any more attractive to men. Men continue to chase after the women who want to be friends LOL. Admit it guys, women ARE your weakness and advising women of this stuff ain't gonna change anything.
 ExplosiveSheep
Joined: 9/22/2007
Msg: 425
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/19/2010 12:19:14 AM
I can't speak for every man, everywhere, but I'm sure I can throw it down for some when I say women are an emotional drain. Particular the "just friends" variety. Being friends with a woman, particular while I'm single is an excercise in exhaustive futility.

Between the popular expectation that men initiate everything and the general lack of ease in reading women's intentions it's difficult to be around one if she's single and attractive to you. You gotta remember that women can friend zone you with the expectation you'll try harder, friend zone you to be polite, friend zone you cause they are oblivious that it can be a constant ache and the list really goes on.

I'm sure we've all been in a situation where we've met someone, we like them, they don't like us like "that" or whatever, but it's all good! They'll be our friend! So we get this awkward situation where they're constantly reminding you why you wanted to date them in the first place and they're constantly reinforcing that rejection with a running commentary on their life. Sometimes it's about how other friends are lame, sometimes it's about how hard it is to meet people, maybe they have met somebody and they're quite possibly the worst example of your gender you can think of. Yet they managed to pull off the dates and you couldn't.

Dating's like the lottery, sometimes you win, most of the time you lose. Most of us can deal with it and move on, it's just harder to move on when you have someone constantly reminding you that you're a great buddy, but they'd rather date that alcoholic they met or person suffering from depression or that guy that lost hundreds of dollars in an underground fighting ring.

I have female friends I haven't touched and appreciate their company but I will be honest, it's rare and often complicated.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 426
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/19/2010 7:46:36 AM
No one has to be a prophet to see that that won't end well, and you know from experience that it doesn't. There may be some exceptions but they are just that - exceptions. Not usual. So don't do it.


You could say the same thing about any involvement with romantic intentions too...they are just as likely (if not more) to end in failure. And the consequences are usually worse too. So why do anything?

Friendship, like romance has its rewards and pitfalls. Being platonic friends with a woman you feel an attraction to is completely doable. Depends how strong it is I guess and how crazy it will make you knowing you can't be intimate. In fact, a "little" bit of that kind of tension might actually make the friendship better. Enjoying a genuinely kind and nurturing friendship can be worth the sacrifice that you can't f*ck them too. Or not. But you can't win if you don't buy a ticket.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 427
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/19/2010 9:51:40 AM

Woman in Progress, a Question. "Plenty of Fish" is a "Dating Site" not a "Platonic Only Male Female site" why is it that so many females are totally cool with the whole Platonic thing, and so many males are repulsed by it?

Unfortunately for your question, it's mainly a dating site - but it's not JUST a dating site. It's just not. Sorry...I hear EHarmony won't accept people who aren't looking for at least 5 years of marriage, maybe some people here should move to that site.

As for your question about what women are ok with, is it because men need to date more than women? Because men are less picky overall than women? Because sex is harder to come by for men (so they say)? Because men are programmed to find dates whenver they're not sleeping? Who knows.

Any comments are welcome. I am vilified because I dont do the Platonic crap with women. We are either Dating, or we are "vague casual acquaintences" and a TON of women on this site think I am an a-Hole because of this. Penny for your thoughts?

My thoughts are this:

If you cannot be friends with a woman due to an attraction, then I agree that you should decline the offer with an explanation (pride, shmide). If a woman after being told the situation has a problem with that - then it's just that. HER problem.

If you can be friends with someone and you're genuinely looking for friendship, may the force be with you. For the men here pissed off that it may not be a genuine offer of friendship, welcome to life. Many things aren't what we think they're gonna be - I think mid High School we all learn this. It's not news. Also, if you're accepting the offer hoping for some action down the road, you're just as ingenuine as the woman you're accusing.

Friendship is not a death sentence, nor is it an insult. Men are taking offers of friendship to be the equivalent of losing a limb. If you can't do it, then don't accept the offer, why whine and complain about it? Just say no, and explain why. Save all the energy for something more productive, like baseball card trading.

Lastly, why do you care what women who you don't want to be friends with think of you? Once they know for certain why you're saying no it's up to them to be adults about it and move on. How's that your problem? I get a lot of shit too for doing things that men think is out of female character for me to do. Meh. It's not relevant to them what I do...so why should I worry?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 429
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/19/2010 10:27:08 AM

WIP: I agree with your position except this:
"you should decline the offer with an explanation"
Just declining will do fine. They don't usually explain why they don't find you attractive or interesting enough (which is good) and neither would I go through great lengths explaining why I am not interested in a friendship. BTW, I doubt that in most cases it is 'pride'.

1. I'm not suggesting you do a dissertation on the decline of a friendship offer. One sentence would suffice.
2. Women tend to be less understanding of a guy saying no to a friendship if the guy doesn't explain it. Of course the guy can just say no and call it a day, but they can't also complain about women who don't get it when they do and try to argue it or make them wrong. I was suggesting damage control for the guy saying no - that's all.
3. An explanation of friendship decline is different from an explanation of lack of attraction. For one thing, someone can explain lack of attraction to you all day long, and it almost never helps you with anything you do from that day forward. Lack of attraction isn't a choice - while lack of interest in pursuing a friendship IS a choice.

Does the need to lay it out mean - if I don't have an explanation to the contrary - that I will be her friend by default? LOL

I don't get your question. Should I assume the LOL means you were attempting a joke? I don't get the joke, but it doesn't matter if I do really - so long as you're not asking an acutal question.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 431
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/19/2010 12:06:31 PM
Lack of attraction isn't a choice


True...but it's also not written in stone. Attraction is a very fluid thing.

Which is why I agree with you that the woman should be clearly aware of exactly why you are refusing friendship...because being unable to express your attraction for her would be too awkward for you. You don't have to necessarily come right out and say it like that...I think the point can be made effectively in a subtle way.

This has advantages....first of all, she can't help but feel flattered by your attraction, which is a way to spare her feelings at least a little bit, and you're also less likely to go away being the jerk in her mind (and everyone else she discusses it with). It's also going to make her more likely to reconsider her feelings about you.

Sure...I guess there is a downside...she could end up humiliating you even worse. But if she does that, then it makes your decision to not be her friend in the first place all the more justified in the end...right?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 432
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/19/2010 1:01:28 PM
Hey, I'm all about putting the cards on the table. If you don't do that with a person, and their confusion causes them to harass you or otherwise annoy you, then you sort of ask for it. So yeah, it's fine to walk away with no explanation so long as you're not going to complain about the reaction you get.

"while lack of interest in pursuing a friendship IS a choice"
Not for me. I cannot be friends with a woman I am attracted to, and you already agreed that attraction - or the lack thereof - is not a choice.

If you can freely choose to accept a friendship or not regardless of what happens to you, then it's a choice. It may not be something you choose to do, but the option to choose is still there - so you aren't immune to it.

As for my other comment, it sounded as if I had to give an explanation as to why not.

I didn't address you specifically to "have" to do anything. Other than you being male, it wasn't about you in particular.

Failure to do so makes the declination invalid. No, I would just decline and walk away without an explanation. Of course, the woman will inevitably think that sex is ALL I wanted, but that is her problem. She can then post on POF how all men are pigs and quote me..

No, failure to do so doesn't make it invalid - it just makes you prone to dealing with aftermath - which you could have avoided but chose not to, that's all. I don't know why you wouldn't explain it though unless it's to be passive aggressive to get women back for not explaining something to you - and honestly I don't get the "in your face" attitude about all that. If it's all about getting a shot in before someone gets one in on you, then I guess there's bigger issues happening here than someone not liking you back as a romantic possibility.

True...but it's also not written in stone. Attraction is a very fluid thing.

Ok, fine. It's still not a choice. We like what we like. To ignore that is to waste time - ours and someone else's.

Which is why I agree with you that the woman should be clearly aware of exactly why you are refusing friendship...because being unable to express your attraction for her would be too awkward for you. You don't have to necessarily come right out and say it like that...I think the point can be made effectively in a subtle way.

Why NOT say it exactly like that? It IS true, isn't it? I don't get the avoidance of admission. It's not like you're admitting you killed someone and putting yourself in jeopardy of having the authorities called. What's the big freaking deal about saying "hey, I appreciate the offer, but attraction to you prevents me from genuinely accepting it"? Sheesh.

This has advantages....first of all, she can't help but feel flattered by your attraction, which is a way to spare her feelings at least a little bit, and you're also less likely to go away being the jerk in her mind (and everyone else she discusses it with). It's also going to make her more likely to reconsider her feelings about you.

Sure...I guess there is a downside...she could end up humiliating you even worse. But if she does that, then it makes your decision to not be her friend in the first place all the more justified in the end...right?

Explain this fear of humiliation to me. How on earth can she humiliate you? By calling your friends? By posting it on a website that you were a guy that was attracted to her and said no to a friendship? By calling the local news? I really don't get that. I agree that you're better off without a woman who'd humiliate you - but I don't see how a woman COULD in a situation like that unless you allowed yourself to feel that way.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 434
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/19/2010 3:02:08 PM

Ok, fine. It's still not a choice. We like what we like. To ignore that is to waste time - ours and someone else's.


But if the possibility of someone changing their mind exists, how can it be considered a waste of time?


Why NOT say it exactly like that? It IS true, isn't it? I don't get the avoidance of admission.


Well, I didn't say NOT to...I was just leaving room for the fact that we don't live in a perfect world, where everything is so black and white...depending on the people involved, this may cause TOO much awkwardness.



Explain this fear of humiliation to me. How on earth can she humiliate you?


You seem to have a rather myopic view of it (not entirely your fault...you have a female brain...not a male brain). I think you don't understand the whole picture, because you are missing a few key pieces of the puzzle.

If a man puts an offer on the table to be "more than friends", and the female rejects that offer, then the male is going to experience that rejection as emotional pain. How bad depends on the individual and the details of how it went down.

If the female counter-offers with being "just friends" and the male rejects that offer, then the female is also going to feel the effects of that rejection, and her reaction to that may be negative....making the situation worse for the male. People also tend to make "light" of these things, when what they are feeling is anything but...it's a protective measure. This making light of things can also have negative effects. Also..."let's be friends" is often times just pity or perceived as such, and pity is humiliating.

Now, I'm guessing most females imagine that an offer to be just friends instead might not be the original offer, but it's always better than nothing and we should be happy with this bone you've thrown us...right? Wrong. At least AT THE TIME.

If the offer of friend comes directly after the rejection of more than friends, the male will still be dealing with the emotional pain of rejection and doing our best to hide it (as we've been conditioned to do). We need "some" time to deal with this pain, and the best way do deal with emotional pain is "no contact" with the source of this pain. Expecting us to logically and calmly articulate our feelings about it at this time is a bit of wishful thinking. Let some time pass, any MAYBE we will want to be friends.

Also, whether or not we want to be "friends" with you, depends on how well we know you. If all we have is just an initial attraction to you, and not much else, how would we know if we wanted to be friends?

Another reason we might not want to be "friend-zoned", is that it has such a bad rap these days. As mentioned above, attraction is not a static thing...we may decide that not becoming friends puts us in a better position to regroup and try again at a better time...we know women are fickle and one rejection doesn't always make us give up.

Or conversely, we may agree to being friends for a number of reasons...

Maybe we know you pretty well and actually would love to have you as just a friend anyway, and are willing to respect all the rules & boundaries that go with it. Or maybe we just agree at the time because we don't want to seem like a jerk, but don't really mean it. Or it's a covert situation, where we think being on the "inside" gives us a better chance of winning you over in the future...friends fall in love all the time.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 435
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/19/2010 3:39:26 PM

But if the possibility of someone changing their mind exists, how can it be considered a waste of time?

It does for some people, but when someone straight out tells you they'd rather be friends, then that usually pretty much means they've made up their mind about it. Sure, some people change their minds - but once someone tells you no thanks, it doesn't matter if they do or not.

Well, I didn't say NOT to...I was just leaving room for the fact that we don't live in a perfect world, where everything is so black and white...depending on the people involved, this may cause TOO much awkwardness.

Maybe so, but such is life. Not everything is easy. So you get past the awkwardness and deal with it.

You seem to have a rather myopic view of it (not entirely your fault...you have a female brain...not a male brain). I think you don't understand the whole picture, because you are missing a few key pieces of the puzzle.

You'd be surprised.

If a man puts an offer on the table to be "more than friends", and the female rejects that offer, then the male is going to experience that rejection as emotional pain. How bad depends on the individual and the details of how it went down.

Yeah, I'm not buying it. If I can do it and I'm female and it doesn't kill me, then I don't see a guy having a problem with it UNLESS he's coasting on his expectations and ego. If you know there's a 50/50 chance you'll get a no, then you're supposed to expect it as a possibility. That's not emotional, that's about pride.

If the female counter-offers with being "just friends" and the male rejects that offer, then the female is also going to feel the effects of that rejection, and her reaction to that may be negative....making the situation worse for the male. People also tend to make "light" of these things, when what they are feeling is anything but...it's a protective measure. This making light of things can also have negative effects. Also..."let's be friends" is often times just pity or perceived as such, and pity is humiliating.

Let's go with percieved as such, which is most of the problem here. It's not a counter offer. In some cases, especially in cases where a guy's asking a woman out he doesn't know she may not mean it - but...so what? It's non interest, regardless of the form. If a guy seriously takes a friendship offer as pity, then it's way bigger than dating. Dating isn't for the faint of heart - so those that are are going to have a rougher time.

Now, I'm guessing most females imagine that an offer to be just friends instead might not be the original offer, but it's always better than nothing and we should be happy with this bone you've thrown us...right? Wrong. At least AT THE TIME.

I don't think I or any woman I know has actually used this train of thought. But if a woman's not attracted, it's going to be less clear to her that a guy might take it as an abomination. Yes, SOME women use this as a way to smooth over a no, but a lot of them actually mean it, the evil people that they are.

If the offer of friend comes directly after the rejection of more than friends, the male will still be dealing with the emotional pain of rejection and doing our best to hide it (as we've been conditioned to do). We need "some" time to deal with this pain, and the best way do deal with emotional pain is "no contact" with the source of this pain. Expecting us to logically and calmly articulate our feelings about it at this time is a bit of wishful thinking. Let some time pass, any MAYBE we will want to be friends.

Are we in triage? Have we checked into the ER? Surely it's not really all this dramatic. It's a woman, there are tons of other ones. I thought women were the gender that was prone to attachment to something they barely know. All in this paragraph you posted is in his head (and, once again involves ego which should be left at home if you expect to get through dating with any ease).

Also, whether or not we want to be "friends" with you, depends on how well we know you. If all we have is just an initial attraction to you, and not much else, how would we know if we wanted to be friends?

No one knows. Doesn't make the question wrong. If at the time you don't want to be, then say no. All else is overanalyzation.

Another reason we might not want to be "friend-zoned", is that it has such a bad rap these days. As mentioned above, attraction is not a static thing...we may decide that not becoming friends puts us in a better position to regroup and try again at a better time...we know women are fickle and one rejection doesn't always make us give up.

Agreed. So as has been stated before, decline the friendship. Done.

Or conversely, we may agree to being friends for a number of reasons...

Maybe we know you pretty well and actually would love to have you as just a friend anyway, and are willing to respect all the rules & boundaries that go with it. Or maybe we just agree at the time because we don't want to seem like a jerk, but don't really mean it. Or it's a covert situation, where we think being on the "inside" gives us a better chance of winning you over in the future...friends fall in love all the time.

More often when they have attraction and some other thing prevents them from being able to act on it - but sure, in a few cases people who had no attraction from the beginning somehow had a change of heart.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 437
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 9/19/2010 4:53:14 PM

When a woman isnt interested in a guy on a romantic level after a date, It's accepted practice for her not to return his phone call like he's a bill collector she's trying to avoid. So now when a guy is not interested in a woman on a friendship level he is suppose to explain himself to her? If a guy isnt interested in her friendship shoulsnt she just get the hint?

Again, this post smacks of trying to get someone back for something. You don't have to explain it, but any confusion she has and any subsequent "hint" she doesn't take will be your fault...and that's your problem.

Again, the form of the no (or alleged "rejection" which is really just a lack of mutual interest) doesn't matter, it's the fact that you're getting a no. Explaining why you're not interested in another date with a guy doesn't do him any good - other than to make him feel worse. Explaining why you're declining a friendship is actually productive - mostly for your sake, so that you can move on without a lot of questions and hassle. But if you like to leave yourself open to hassle, then go ahead and leave it up in the air. I still have no idea why telling a woman this is so horrifying, outside of fear of being less manly, or whatever.

And again, complaining that a woman doesn't really mean it when she offers is voided out by the fact that most men who say yes don't really mean that either. So it's a wash.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  >