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 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 515
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?Page 17 of 44    (4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44)

i've never trusted male friends with my ex's and it was proven that they can't be trusted. alot of guys will bang any girl they get the first chance with, attractive or not.

Unless it was rape.......the girlfriend obviously couldn't be trusted either.

Amazingly enough, there are numerous of us women...and men.......that
know how to respect friendships and boundaries.
If you're dating someone that has a penchant for cheating.....won't matter
if it's your best friend or someone they just met.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 516
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/23/2010 8:53:23 AM
Womens ideas of friendship is different than a mans idea on friendship

Yep. Ask yourself if you could be naked in front of your guy friends and not have them hit on you. If not, then they think of you in a sexual context. My best friend is a woman (and very attractive), but I'm quite sure that if she was standing in front of me naked, I wouldn't have any interest in hitting on her (nor vice versa). That's the only reason we can be best friends. Having her as a best friend is like having a sister. I personally think those relationships are rare.

Lost my best friend of 20+ yrs recently, because he now has a jealous GF who wont allow him friendships with females.. .. what kinda freakin friend is that to dump a friend cuz their new s/o is a jealous loser ?

I think you dropped the ball on that one. When I met my fiancee and started dating her, the first thing my best friend did was tell me that if my relationship with her was going to cause a problem with the woman I was dating, then she would be very sad to not have me as her best friend, but that she would understand and not call me any more because she was most interested in me being happy. Fortunately, I didn't have to make that choice. Although my fiancee was a little uncomfrtable with me being friends with the woman, the fact that my best friend was willing to do that for me without me ever thinking to ask her went a long way toward making my fiancee comfortable with my best friend. (My fiancee also has male friends, so she wasn't in a position to object had it ever come to that.)
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 517
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/23/2010 9:03:10 AM

Ask yourself if you could be naked in front of your guy friends and not have them hit on you. If not, then they think of you in a sexual context.


So what?

No, seriously. I'm an unabashedly sexual woman. My friends know this, including my male friends. No doubt they see me as a sexual person.

So what? How does that make them any less my friends? They know where we stand, there's more to the friendship than some potential one-sided sexual interest, or we'd lose interest in friendship with each other. That they might consider me attractive has f*ck-all to do with whether they're actually my friends.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 518
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/23/2010 9:25:49 AM

No, seriously. I'm an unabashedly sexual woman. My friends know this, including my male friends. No doubt they see me as a sexual person.

In your case, that's perfectly understandable, since you have expressed interest in polyamory. Most people are not as open as you are, so what I said applies to the lifestyle most people consider to be the norm. Life would be better if everyone was as open as you are, but the reality is that most people are not. Also, my best friend is an escort, so I see her as a sexual person. There are few people I've talked with more openly about sex. However, if she were to get naked in front of me (and she probably wouldn't think twice about doing so if she had to change clothes in a hurry and I happened to be there at the time), it wouldn't arouse any sexual interest in me. I don't see her in that way. She did show me photos of her after having a boob job because she wanted my honest opinion. (She was going to shown me in person, except we were out eating dinner at the time and didn't have enough time to go somewhere where she could take her top off.) I gave her my opinion with the same sort of detachment her surgeon probably had. It would be nice if no one had any sexual hangups and having sex with someone was more casual, but the world isn't like that, yet.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 519
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/23/2010 10:13:21 AM
^^^^^ MY WORLD is very much like that....luckily!
I get female coworkers and customers asking me to feel their butts/boobs/legs whatever, but it in no way is taken as an invitation to sex... sometimes its done in front of my GF or their BF... OR they'll come up and grab my butt or something...

I used to have a friend who after clubbing, would want me to spoon her for the night. She'd wear a G string and tank top and would wrap my arm around her, putting my hand on her breasts and fall asleep like that! To this day we're friends and have never had sex!

My female friends and coworkers often tell me details of their sex lives/likes and proclivities.
I don't take any of it as come-ons...we're just that open and casual about it.
MOST of this activity is female driven BTW...contrary to what some here FANTASIZE about.... women are very sexual! The LIBERATED and EMPOWERED ones are comfortable GETTING sex or attention when they WANT it! They don't just use it to trade for love...

The women I'm around are the ones more likely to tell a guy that its not going to become anything if they have sex with them... These are very secure independent attractive young women who live their lives as they see fit!

My GF is one of them.... Oh, yeah... she just recently informed me that when she's bad, I need to punish her for it!
So now, I'M trying to learn how best to accommodate HER wishes!
I'm also trying to learn whether/when she wants to BE bad or whether/when I'm supposed to MAKE her be bad.... once I get it down, ill be in complete charge of this aspect of our lives, but it has nothing to do with me being sick, cruel, abusive or anything to that effect! It's about giving her what she wants and needs... not out of ME being controlling, but out of me loving her!

She's only letting me know of this stuff because she TRUSTS me... not only to deliver, but not to JUDGE her...
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 520
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/23/2010 10:15:43 AM

There's the ``sex for lust'' rush, but that's a different sort of rush.

Yeah it is, but just as there aren't only-two scenarios, being Friends vs Full-On-Relationship, there isn't just Just-Sex vs Full-On-Relationship either for excitement...

I've never been in a relationship with someone who didn't want to see me every day, so that's the level of interest I'm used to.

And I think that's it -- what you're used to. Some people are used to "playing house" as being just-friends... then one day, boom -- Relationship to see each other every day.

On the first date, both parties will know if the chemistry is there or not. If it is, I can't see the point of going slow.

Well, going too slow isn't good, yes, especially if you two like each other. But a lot of folks digging each other after a first outing, where from my experience is to be expected statistically, doesn't want to join at the hip so quick. It isn't about going slow -- it's about not meshing lives so fast before you've gotten to know them. That freaks a lot of women out. It's not an on-off switch like that with a lot of people.

I CAN see that happening if two people already did know each other very well previously. That may be due to them being in the same social circle, sexual tension builds up, they talk online and within their group of friends enough, then things "pop". That's what the "Friends First" tries to re-create, but you can't do that by picking people out of a Dating lineup, you'd have to play pretend-games, which isn't going to work either... or actually meet someone as JUST a friend -- which isn't for a Dating site, but I would advise them to meet PEOPLE at meetup.com or facebook or something -- that's what that's for.

And of course the normalized way that resonates with many folks is going the Dating route, if you met a stranger. That's not "going slow", slow being relative to the normalized "speed" of two interest parties. You get to know each other being more-than-friends, going out here and there... then Dating (meshing free-time parts of your lives; keeping in relatively close communicative contact otherwise)... then having that grow into a Relationship -- which doesn't necessarily take forever. Sometimes it can go about rather quickly.

Relationships either work out or they don't, so I can't see any reason to pretend you're just friends if you hit it off.

Oh, I agree. I mean, if you didn't meet thru the dating scene (like POF or a setup blind date), then sure, get to know them in that circle-of-friends when people go out, which would get that "Pre-Dating" phase out of the way if you did seem to click in that pre-existing circle-of-friends environment. But otherwise, don't play house to try and re-create that when you got a # from a gal at the bar or from POF - lol.

Relationships work out or they don't, but the situations surrounding the two people can be a factor as to whether it does or not, notably early on. Some people like to be joined at the hip with their Partner, but when they're getting to know someone, even Excited about them during that time, no, they don't want to be joined at the hip, and that will ruin their interest.... and pushing for that can throw off what would have been a great match because the two people do the early phases differently.

Like what? (avoiding complications)

Like above. Setting aside "just what affects me" for a second, but putting into perspective what tends to affect people in general (all it takes is 1 person in a party of 2 to throw things off).

1) One person's interest can tank because the other person is pushing for too much hip-joining... and spending many hours, 2 times a week and texting/emailing/occasional-call not being good enough for one can scare the other off... or ruin the excitement for them.

2) So early on, when excited about someone, other factors surrounding your life will play a role in judging how good of a match you are, a little TOO much. Throwing them into that scenario, it doesn't take a deal-breaker for them to lose -some- interest, if a million things come at them. Assumptions are made during that getting-to-know-ya phase. They don't know you, so they'll have to try and connect some dots, which can be a little off... which many times MAY not affect much at all. But many times it can a bit to just throw what was "so exciting" tumbling down.

The problem with such a high so fast, is that it if one Feels the other seems to lack interest suddenly, even if that interest isn't notably "lost" much at all, it can push things to spiral away for both and all excitement then ends up lost.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 521
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/23/2010 5:15:43 PM


No, seriously. I'm an unabashedly sexual woman. My friends know this, including my male friends. No doubt they see me as a sexual person.


In your case, that's perfectly understandable, since you have expressed interest in polyamory. Most people are not as open as you are, so what I said applies to the lifestyle most people consider to be the norm.


Valid points, though I'll also note that I felt this way when I was looking for something more monogamous as well. Additionally, I have many male friends with whom I am not at all interested in being sexual with. Some of those are interested in being sexual with me, but we've talked about it and they know what my boundaries are. Regardless of one-sided interest, they are my friends. That one-sided sexual interest doesn't change the quality of the non-sexual connection that we have.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 522
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/23/2010 7:59:58 PM
"I have many male friends with whom I am not at all interested in being sexual with. Some of those are interested in being sexual with me, but we've talked about it and they know what my boundaries are. Regardless of one-sided interest, they are my friends. "
-----------
They're "friends" on YOUR terms. Here's just another example of somebody who can't see the forest for the trees. This thread is basically about why men can't be friends with women in the first place and we know why... Just like in your case, they'd get into your pants the second you'd give them the "okay flag" - and that's not good enough, i.e., if it only depends on you. It doesn't surprise me one bit that a lot of guys have a hard time with so called male "friends" that his girlfriend might have.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 523
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/23/2010 8:17:00 PM
^^^^ lol! just because most guys WOULD bang their female friends, given the chance, doesn't mean that they aren't true friends or that potential sex is the only reason they're friends!

That notion cracks me up and is very telling!
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 524
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/23/2010 8:25:58 PM
^ Maybe because you belong to that category.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 525
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/23/2010 10:20:45 PM
^ Maybe because you belong to that category.



...Oh REALLY? And just what evidence do you have to back that up?

I have consistently upheld both in forums and IRL that men an women can be friends, lovers, BF/GF, husband/wives or all of the above... and I am a big proponent of genuine friendships..... your posts on the other hand suggest a very tainted view of relationships in general and especially when sexual in nature.

So... I say to you: Back up your assertion about me!
 JRodriguez81
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 526
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/23/2010 10:29:28 PM
Why do men find it hard to be just friends....funny thing though, Ive met alot of women out there that find it equally just as hard to be JUST friends as well.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 527
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/24/2010 5:24:56 AM

"I have many male friends with whom I am not at all interested in being sexual with. Some of those are interested in being sexual with me, but we've talked about it and they know what my boundaries are. Regardless of one-sided interest, they are my friends. "
-----------
They're "friends" on YOUR terms.


Wait, so my telling them that I'm not interested in f*cking them means that I've set the terms of our friendship? What happened to consenting adults being able to know what works for them and what they're willing to do? They're not pining away for me, and they're grown-ups who are perfectly capable of saying, "I don't think I'm able to be just friends with you, so if that's what you're looking for with me, we may need to part ways." You're belittling their ability to decide whether they're okay with our friendship, which they clearly are or they wouldn't be friends with me.

Again: Tell me how one-sided sexual interest means that there can't be an actual friendship as well. Not the "everybody knows why" stuff--a real, actual reason that applies to responsible and emotionally mature adults.

@jco:

I have consistently upheld both in forums and IRL that men an women can be friends, lovers, BF/GF, husband/wives or all of the above... and I am a big proponent of genuine friendships..... your posts on the other hand suggest a very tainted view of relationships in general and especially when sexual in nature.


Same here. I'm totally with you on this one.
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 528
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/24/2010 7:04:53 AM

Again: Tell me how one-sided sexual interest means that there can't be an actual friendship as well. Not the "everybody knows why" stuff--a real, actual reason that applies to responsible and emotionally mature adults.


I dont think anyone is questioning your friendship and how close you are with your male friends. My only point is this...I cant imagine being friends with a woman who I am sexually attracted to, want to be with, then be her friend and have to hear about all the men she fvks....

I dont want to put myself thru that emotional torture, so I dont. Jco claims he spoons with a chick practically naked, dont have sex, then get up and walk out like nothing happened. Call me crazy, but I cant spoon with a chick without WANTING to boink the hell out of her.

I just find it funny that women are so perplexed at why men dont want to be "friends" after a couple dates. Women can dump men into the "friend zone" and be done with it. The same argument some women make with the "How the hell can you be in a relationship after a couple dates?"....um...well...how the hell can you all of a sudden be "friends" after three dates?
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 529
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/24/2010 7:20:09 AM
What some people (women in particular - at least in public) don't get through their head is that if there's attraction why would ANY guy want to be friends and nothing but friends with a woman he not only wants to have sex with, but also start a relationship with? Even if it's "only" sex that's bad ENOUGH, okay? It's even worse when she KNOWS it as someone was very open about a few posts earlier. It doesn't take much brains for a woman to figure out that if she'd give him the "okay signal" he'd be all over her even after months of kissing her a$$ so to speak. What kind of denial or blindness she chooses to live under as a single is her problem, but if there's a boyfriend involved who doesn't quite fancy the idea that her so called male "friends" would bang her brains out if given the chance, then it's not only her responsibility to drop them out of her life but also in respect for him. All this makes perfect sense and I wouldn't call a guy who feels about it that way controlling one bit. Anybody with some self respect would give her the chance to get rid of them or he walks.
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 530
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/24/2010 7:21:48 AM

funny thing though, Ive met alot of women out there that find it equally just as hard to be JUST friends as well.

 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 531
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/24/2010 9:26:00 AM

Additionally, I have many male friends with whom I am not at all interested in being sexual with.

I think that statement is very telling. What you call friends are what I'd call acquaintences or even ``someone I know.'' I've had this discussion with my fiancee, who 10 zillion ``friend's'' phone numbers stored in her phone. Every person she knows well enough to have talked to on the phone once is a friend. So yeah, she has lots of ``male friends'' but once you toss out the people she met 5 years ago and calls for 5 minutes once in a blue moon, she doesn't have any male friends - although she would strongly disagree with me. I've also asked how many of those guys would sleep with her if she gave them the opportunity and apparently that would be all of them but the ones who are gay. She thinks of them as friends because she wouldn't sleep with them (and she talks to them every so often when the planets align just right).

By contrast, my best friend and I talk almost every day and have done so for almost 3 years. If I needed something, she would drop what she was doing to help me (and vice-versa). We couldn't possibly be that close if either of us had some sexual interest in the other.

That one-sided sexual interest doesn't change the quality of the non-sexual connection that we have.

I disagree. From your perspective, you're getting what you want out of the relationship. Your friends who are sexually interested in you are not getting what they want. They are only your ``friends'' because they think you might change your mind. Why would anyone be friends with a person when the relationship is one sided and one person is not getting what he/she wants out of the relationship (apart from people who are needy or who aren't really friends, but merely people you know and chit-chat with occassionally)? I consider my friendship valuable, so for me to form that kind of relationship with someone, it has to be a two-way street. If I'm sexually interested in a woman, the price of my friendship is her sexual interest in me. I don't need friends who only call me when they need something from me.
 FunkTheMillenium
Joined: 7/11/2010
Msg: 532
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/24/2010 1:22:15 PM
^^^^ good way to put it.

guys would be the same but alot don't have alot of "women" friends hanging around who would want alot more than friendship so its an order most men don't usually fit into.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 533
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/24/2010 1:37:52 PM
I will say that if most my female friends, including the one I used to spoon with, ever wanted to have have sex I would have... my point is/was that just because I WOULD doesn't mean that the only reason I'm their friend is for that opportunity!
Some here have suggested that men PHYSICALLY attracted to a woman can't be friends. If they ARE then he's just waiting for a chance to fvck her.

I'm simply saying that if the guy is a TRUE friend then that's not the case! I'll admit that many times there are guys who are "The Friend", otherwise known as the c@ckblock, the waiting in the wings guy, the wuss who takes advantage when she's down type and the sabateur.

Incidentally I HAVE had sex with many of my female friends... some only once...we're still friends.
Probably the reason it happened was because I WASN'T hanging around just for that like they could tell some other friends were... when they wanted some, they came to me... confident that there'd be no loss of friendship and no post coital drama.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 534
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/24/2010 2:02:50 PM
@RobertKoi:

It doesn't take much brains for a woman to figure out that if she'd give him the "okay signal" he'd be all over her even after months of kissing her a$$ so to speak.


There are two problems with your assumptions. First, you assume that the only reason a guy who's attracted to someone would be friends with her is because he hopes to have sex and/or a relationship with her. What if he just enjoys her company, and happens to be attracted to her on top of that?

Secondly, you're assuming all these guys are simply kissing *ss. Perhaps your friends are of a lower caliber than mine, but my male friends, even those who've told me they find me attractive, aren't just kissing my *ss; they're full-fledged people who are friends of mine. They're fully capable of saying no to me and doing their own things. They're not weak-willed suckers.

@abelian:


Additionally, I have many male friends with whom I am not at all interested in being sexual with.


I think that statement is very telling. What you call friends are what I'd call acquaintences or even ``someone I know.''


I'm a bit confused as to why you'd assume that all my male friends are simply acquaintances, and not active friends of mine.


If I'm sexually interested in a woman, the price of my friendship is her sexual interest in me. I don't need friends who only call me when they need something from me.


I have no idea why you're assuming that I'm using them, or calling them when I need something from them. Typically, I'll call my male friends when I want their company. That's it. If they only want my friendship in exchange for sexual interest, they would be perfectly capable of saying so, and we wouldn't be friends (not least because I find a "f*ck me or I don't want to know you at all" attitude rather repulsive).

How do I know that some of my male friends are sexually interested in me? Because they're grown-up enough to flat-out tell me and start a conversation about it. They tell me where they stand, I tell them where I stand, we make sure everyone's good with it, and we go from there. You know, like responsible, mature grown-ups.

@jco:

Incidentally I HAVE had sex with many of my female friends... some only once...we're still friends.
Probably the reason it happened was because I WASN'T hanging around just for that like they could tell some other friends were... when they wanted some, they came to me... confident that there'd be no loss of friendship and no post coital drama.


These are the types of male friends I tend to have as well. Good on you for being interested in women as actual people, and not just as commodities!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 535
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/24/2010 3:08:27 PM
I'm a bit confused as to why you'd assume that all my male friends are simply acquaintances, and not active friends of mine.

I assume that anytime anyone tells me he/she has ``lots of friends.'' There simply is not enough time in a day to have more than a few friends and perhaps lots of acquaintences.

If they only want my friendship in exchange for sexual interest, they would be perfectly capable of saying so, and we wouldn't be friends (not least because I find a "f*ck me or I don't want to know you at all" attitude rather repulsive).

That's rather egotistical. I could just as easily turn that around and say I find a ``I want your company, but not enough to have sex with you,'' to be no less repulsive. Are you telling me is that it's okay for me to meet a woman because I find her sexually appealing, but it's repulsive for me to not care if she's intellectually interesting if she doesn't find me sexually appealing?

How do I know that some of my male friends are sexually interested in me? Because they're grown-up enough to flat-out tell me and start a conversation about it. They tell me where they stand, I tell them where I stand, we make sure everyone's good with it, and we go from there. You know, like responsible, mature grown-ups.

I'm not sure where that came from. I have no difficulty with that sort of ``grown up talk.'' I'm just picky when choosing my friends.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 536
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/24/2010 3:09:18 PM
Namrael: "That one-sided sexual interest doesn't change the quality of the non-sexual connection that we have."

Abelian: "I disagree. From your perspective, you're getting what you want out of the relationship. Your friends who are sexually interested in you are not getting what they want. They are only your ``friends'' because they think you might change your mind. Why would anyone be friends with a person when the relationship is one sided and one person is not getting what he/she wants out of the relationship (apart from people who are needy or who aren't really friends, but merely people you know and chit-chat with occassionally)? I consider my friendship valuable, so for me to form that kind of relationship with someone, it has to be a two-way street. If I'm sexually interested in a woman, the price of my friendship is her sexual interest in me. I don't need friends who only call me when they need something from me."
----------
Exactly.
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 537
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/24/2010 3:17:27 PM

I assume that anytime anyone tells me he/she has ``lots of friends.'' There simply is not enough time in a day to have more than a few friends and perhaps lots of acquaintences.


Totally agreed. I have my close friends who ARE my support system - I have 3, not including family members. The others may from time to time be there, but they are not generally who I go to when I have a "crisis".
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 538
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/24/2010 3:33:21 PM
I don't see the how the one-sided sexual attraction equates to a one sided friendship. Of course I'd have sex with 90% of my female friends.... doesn't mean that's WHY I'm their friend or that I'm hoping for something to happen! I enjoy their company, discussions, activities etc..

Now if I were to have amorous feelings toward a friend that weren't returned....THAT would be difficult indeed!
I would have to step back and retreat to the outer rings of friendship. Perhaps out of the ring altogether until the feelings pass.
 smittymo
Joined: 5/21/2010
Msg: 539
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 11/24/2010 4:50:42 PM
The concepts and discussions contained in this thread have always fascinated me. As a guy, I have had my share of girls who decided we were not relationship/FWB material at a time when I was still interested in them, and told me that we are going to change course/revert back to being “just friends.” After having a couple of experiences as most of the men here in this thread describe (being a sounding board and shoulder to cry on while some d-bag nails her, the female friend becoming extremely jealous when I become interested in another girl, ect..) while I was in my late teens, so I came to the conclusion that, for the most part, it is in my best interest to just cut ties and move on ASAP.

I generally don’t offer an explanation as to why I chose to decline friendship, nor do I expect an explanation as to why they just want to be friends. They either don’t find me physically attractive, found some sort of a deal breaking incompatibility or have someone they are more interested in waiting in the wings… I’ll deal, no explanation needed. I was willing to give them the benefit of my time, personality and all that goes with it (the good and bad) as a person I was sexually/romantically interested in or involved with, but since we are clearly not on the same page as far as that is concerned, I’m going to move on and spend my limited time with someone who might be. Again, no explanation needed, she can deal.

I do think it is extremely pretentious to make an automatic assumption that a guy who isn’t willing to remain friends with a girl he was romantically interested in simply “can’t handle it.” While I don’t doubt that can be the case (and see some clear statements from men on here that clearly support this argument), my own experience is simply that I usually choose not to. In reality, I have enough long standing and stable female friends who are really interesting and fun to be around, with low tension and low drama, that I have to feel you bring something extremely dynamic or unique to the table before I’m willing to consider you anything more than a casual acquaintance. Call it my own version of feeling “that spark.” ;) And, along the lines of what abelian says… normally within the amount of time it takes a girl to decide if she is interested in me romantically/sexually and then tell me she just wants to be friends (should that be her choice), I usually don’t know her well enough or have invested enough time with her to feel like I’m missing out when declining the friendship.

Another thing that I think needs to be considered, but I don’t think has been addressed yet, is the fact that most men (and I assume some women) are going to be far more tolerant of incompatibilities or even personality flaws if there is sex involved… including those that would otherwise be friendship killing. Sexual infatuation can be a crazy thing, and if it’s deflated for whatever reason, I think a healthy individual will re-asses knowing that a sexual relationship is out of the picture, and then perhaps decide that there really isn’t even a friend connection and then just move on. Along the same lines, I can’t even begin to tell you all how many times I have dealt with some crazy shit from a girl who I was in a sexual relationship with, only to have the sexual part of the relationship terminate (by her hand or mine, doesn’t matter,) and then look back on it after I am over it, and think “wow, I put up with all of that… just because we were bumping uglies?”

So, I think when the girl indicates she has no romantic/sexual interest in a guy, and then he declines friendship, it’s either because
1.) He understands that changing your mind is an uphill battle and wants to dedicate all his time and energy on finding a girl he is interested.
2.) He has enough going on in his life, perhaps already feels like he has enough female friends, mixed in with a bit of #1
3.) He re-assed the situation and decided that, without the sexual potential or tension, he simply decided you were not friend material.
4.) He really can’t handle it

All three situations well within his rights.

For the record, I don’t consider guys who continue trying to generate interest in a girl who is clearly not interested (trying to win her over, etc…) healthy. When a girl closes the door, she closes the door… whether she gave you a “fair” chance isn’t relevant… it isn’t there…. it isn’t going to be. At some point, you will feel like you are being strung along, and you will just get frustrated and angry. Focus your time and energy on a person who might be.

I get how guys tend to see it as a consolation prize, and there have been times when I have felt that a consolation prize was what I was being offered. I think it really depends on how the girl presents her feelings. There has been several times where a girl acted like I should be excited and honored that she has decided we can be “just friends,” and at that point, it really does feel like a consolation prize. However, it is also worth pointing out that, without exception, those girls have been the people who have FREAKED OUT on me when I say “not interested.” When made to feel this way, I immediately delete all correspondence, contact information, then block and blacklist. On the other hand, when a girl says “hey, you know, this isn’t working out/doesn’t feel right/no spark/no chemistry… I think you are really cool though, and if you are up for it, I would enjoy your company as a friend,” it doesn’t make it feel like I’m being offered a consolation prize at all, it feels more like a true mismatch. In that case, my normal response is more along the lines of “ok, I can accept that… my life is busy and complicated enough as it is, and right now my focus is on finding a girlfriend, so normally I just pass and go my own way, but give me some time and if I decide I want to hang out, I’ll let you know.” And you know what… even though chances are I’m not going to contact her again, I really do keep her information around for a while in case I decide I do want to hang out with her again. It has happened…

One thing that I don’t get from the guys though… why hold the fact that you have had this/these negative experiences in the past against those in the present and the future. Had a few bad experiences in the “friend zone?” Girl you want to pork cry on your shoulder about her B/F? Had a girl string you along? Been one of the drones a queen bee who just loves to have beneath her? Most guys have… but at this point… you all know the score. All you should be feeling is the sting of knowing that this girl isn’t in to you at the same level you are of her. The fact that you have been in this position before and it didn’t go well for you really isn’t her problem. So, if that is the way you feel, don’t stick around. That’s all you can do. If she really is that kind of girl, let some other chump be the guy who has to deal with it.

In the end, if this girl really is trying to make a game out of the “friend zone” you are NEVER going to be able to convince her (or get her to admit) that this is what she is really doing. And if one of your buddies “falls victim” to the same, you will never be able to convince him the true nature of the goings on until it is too late. That’s just the nature of the beast…

Cheers
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