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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Why do men find it hard to be friends?      Home login  
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 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 26
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?Page 2 of 44    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
Well, SOME of us are here for friends as well, but chitownguy's point is otherwise not entirely inaccurate.
It IS a matter for the OP to see the big picture, to see both sides of the situation more clearly, and not focus entirely on her own side of the issue. She'll get it when she does.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 27
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 12:29:32 PM
conscious love (OP),

Something you need to understand.... ESPECIALLY on a dating site, you can't expect to meet new guys out of the blue to be just friends. That's laughable. Or if you go out to meet for the first time, aren't attracted (that is the 'whatever' reason), you can't continue things to 'get SOMETHING out of my time & energy' by being just friends. That's kind of selfish, isn't it? He wasn't looking for friends, and neither were you.

What you are doing wrong is applying 'friendship' to the equation of spending time with the opposite sex from a dating site. It's like trying to mix oil and water.

Now, a guy may be cool about being "Friends" -- but not JUST friends. If a guy's going to hang out with you one-on-one, he's attracted to you. Attraction means SEXUAL attraction. It's a waste of HIS time (and yours, actually) to be just friends with a girl he's attracted to from a dating site. Yes, he should walk away if you want to be just friends, but at the same time, there's this oddity -- why does she want to hang out with me then? Maybe it's that she doesn't want to date me -right now-. Unless you -clearly- say "I'm not attracted to you, I'm not going to ever want to date you", -without- anything else contradicting that, hanging out with him again one-on-one is going to cause problems for him and you.

You become friends with someone of the opposite sex among social groups or whatever... that's a development process with someone you already know of. And from that, once in a great while, sure, you can be close friends. That usually requires a lack of sexual attraction by -both- parties. Or maybe forum pen-pals chit-chatting. That kind of stuff. But don't do the one-on-one "friends" thing -- I think that's a complete waste of time, as you've seen already! :)
 GQSunset
Joined: 2/28/2009
Msg: 28
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 1:44:18 PM
Find gay guys to be friends with and that will solve your problem, they are at least as interesting and WILL NEVER want to hit on you, problem solved.

Straight men will not want to be friends with you after being rejected because they will always feel like they are being played, and that they were never good enough for you so being friends with you while you galavant in your search for the ONE, will only serve to hurt them more.

It's like getting the milk for free so why pay for it????
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 29
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 2:49:19 PM
my odds so far of meeting bf material - 25 : 1
That's actually not bad odds, considering how easy it is for women on here to arrange meets--if you went on 4 meets a week, you'd have a partner in a month and a half.

Is there a way i can approach things differently and up my odds of making a friend?
Quite honestly, there are much better ways for a woman to meet men friends (and spend WAY less time too and have fun too). Why go through the romantic pretense of arranging to meet men for dates first if your primary intent is to meet men in order to befriend them? Meet men in male dominated activity clubs like hiking clubs, bicycling clubs, bowling, local poker leagues, etc. or at church.

You say it's not what you want, but you'll settle for it. What would make you settle for it?
The only way I'd "settle" for friendship via PoF is if the woman made an effort to hook me up with a hottie friend of hers. Otherwise for most guys it's a total waste of time. You'd be looking for a needle in a haystack to find a guy on here on wants to befriend a woman who jerks him around romantically and then decides the guy is "friend-worthy".

just be ruthless... time my coffee dates with a stopwatch, limit my email contact... meet for the first coffee and if they're not 'the one' just walk out like a heartless b*tch?just be ruthless... time my coffee dates with a stopwatch, limit my email contact... meet for the first coffee and if they're not 'the one' just walk out like a heartless b*tch?
If you really feel like you are wasting time with coffee dates, why don't you do some better potential partner screening before going on your coffee meets? Or take some initiative and look through the list of guys and select one or a few who particularly tickle your fancy, and them invite THEM out on date, instead of whining on an internet forum about how you go out with 25 guys and only find 1 of them romantically acceptable??? Otherwise, you aren't a heartless bitch if you just tell the dude upfront at the beginning of the coffee meet that you don't see romance in the picture. Then politely enjoy the remainder of your coffee if the guy doesn't want to end the meet right there. Better to do that rather than string the guy along having him think you are interested in him while you're just feigning the interest.
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 30
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 5:14:02 PM
I don't know about most men, but honestly its hard to be with someone you liked. Do you know how painful it is to talk to someone you like only to hear them B&^%h about how they can't find a dude when there is one right in front of them. I don't know about women or most men, i just know for some of us you can't turn that "attraction" off. The men I know only will be friends with women they didn't like from the start, and even then they still may sleep with that "friend" depending on the situation.
 gurlnextdoor123
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 31
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 6:15:48 PM
This subject matter fascinates me and I found a great site that talks about it...google the ladder theory. It is very difficult for a man to be friends with an attractive woman without wanting to bang her somewhere deep, deep down. I've been in the same position lots of times and prefer to have male friends. However, it gets sticky and tricky. Sometimes they will play along thinking I don't really mean it and when they realize I do, they are gone. Sometimes they play along, but then end up acting like a jealous bf. Or, they hang out until they meet someone and then they are gone...so, what does that say? Obviously they were more interested in more than just friendship.

I still try though. I am in the same position (new to my city) and would love to just find some friends. If you find some answers, let me know!!
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 32
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 6:54:34 PM
I'd be very interested in hearing the OP's definition of "friends".





~ds~
 Nathan_x
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 33
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 7:04:07 PM
I've known some ladies who weren't too fond of just being friends either. And they too said they were okay with it initially. It does cut both ways.

I guess the bottom line is in some way you ARE rejecting them. It's a dating site. This isn't like real life where you just casually met and no one expressed interest in the other. The premise of your meeting these people was dating and essentially you've communicated, "you're not good enough".

But why would you even want to be friends with a guy you know is into you?
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 34
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 7:14:43 PM
Men who are looking to date have enough friends. They are looking for love or companionship or sex. Not someone to go bowling with.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 35
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 7:38:19 PM
I have made several and I think a big part of it is that both people recognize that they aren't right for dating but make an excellent friend.
 LaughterReigns
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 36
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 8:28:57 PM
I've become good friends with two guys I met here. We had a couple of dates and realized we'd be better off as friends...and we are. As a matter of fact, I was out with one of them yesterday (a group of us went out). I also tend to fix up my guy friends with my single girlfriends. So you see? No harm, no foul, and a friend was made.
 TheToefactor
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 37
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/20/2009 9:19:46 PM

Does anyone have any insight - am I doing something wrong? Is it just me? Do other people have similar experiences? Has anyone with similar circumstances to mine (I repeat similar circumstances ) actually made a REAL friend on this site?

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this and respond - I appreciate it!



please get over yourself.
 conscious love
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 38
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 2:46:36 AM
Thanks fastdogphotog,
I really appreciate your response. I guess because it helped me to re-realize that it's my responsibility to be in charge of my expectations (and thereby what I experience when they're not met). I slipped into the 'victim' mode without even knowing it. I just thought it was commonsense that guys would want to be friends. Now after all these posts I am really starting to realize that you are totally right - it's going to take a strong, balanced person with an open mind and a tight reign on his ego to even consider the notion of wanting to be friends after being 'rejected' (although it's SO hard for me to understand why or how someone could view an offer of friendship as a rejection... but I'm starting to get it now).

I also think that I'm starting to understand things from a man's perspective. I'd never heard about the whole 'friend zone' before and definitely didn't know it had such a stigma attached to it.

Looking back now with all of this insight, I cringe at my utter naivety... thanks you guys for helping me out here.
 conscious love
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 39
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 3:05:31 AM
Hi Sundevil,
At first I thought you were being rude, but after reading your post completely, i realized that you're answering a different question than the one that I asked. I was never talking about my 25:1 ratio... or complaining about it. I wouldn't expect a lower ratio than that... I've always assumed that meeting someone I'm compatible with (timing, attraction, common interests, etc.) could take a while. It's not the ratio that I WAS bugged about (was being the word, because after all these replies, I've started to finally understand things). It was the fact that none of the men I've met would accept a friendship, if the whole relationship/sex thing wasn't a go.

But anyways, I think you are right on both counts. I'm going to hold out for the guy that meets my expectations AND I'm going to lower my expectations at the same time - and by that I mean, I'm going to try to stop expecting that a guy would be capable or wanting of a friendship.
 conscious love
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 40
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 3:05:54 AM
Hi Sundevil,
At first I thought you were being rude, but after reading your post completely, i realized that you're answering a different question than the one that I asked. I was never talking about my 25:1 ratio... or complaining about it. I wouldn't expect a lower ratio than that... I've always assumed that meeting someone I'm compatible with (timing, attraction, common interests, etc.) could take a while. It's not the ratio that I WAS bugged about (was being the word, because after all these replies, I've started to finally understand things). It was the fact that none of the men I've met would accept a friendship, if the whole relationship/sex thing wasn't a go.

But anyways, I think you are right on both counts. I'm going to hold out for the guy that meets my expectations AND I'm going to lower my expectations at the same time - and by that I mean, I'm going to try to stop expecting that a guy would be capable or wanting of a friendship.
 conscious love
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 41
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 3:32:26 AM
bikeman, you make a lot of assumptions about what I'm doing... using the words 'jerking him around romantically' ... wtf? If I go on a date I HAVE to either put out or become their gf and if I don't I'm jerking them around? And 'string the guy along' and 'feigning interest' ??? Have YOU been on a coffee date with me? How do you know I'm doing any of these things? How do you know when or how I say that I'm not interested in a romantic relationship? Your advice isn't so bad, but I think you're confusing me with some other woman - hopefully you don't see all women like this and if you do, I feel sorry for you.
 conscious love
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 42
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 3:40:03 AM
Come on you guys! WHO on planet earth hasn't been rejected by someone they liked? Generally i like interesting people, so if they want to be friends even AFTER I try to put a move on... I'm happy - cuz they're cool people. In fact, one of my best friends was a guy who I TOTALLY tried to put the moves on. He TOTALLY rejected me... but then we became friends and now I'm so happy we didn't get it on because he's the type of guy who can't be friends with someone he's had sex with...
 Sun_Devil_92
Joined: 11/16/2008
Msg: 43
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 11:28:27 AM
(conscious love): At first I thought you were being rude, but after reading your post completely, i realized that you're answering a different question than the one that I asked. I was never talking about my 25:1 ratio... or complaining about it. I wouldn't expect a lower ratio than that... I've always assumed that meeting someone I'm compatible with (timing, attraction, common interests, etc.) could take a while. It's not the ratio that I WAS bugged about (was being the word, because after all these replies, I've started to finally understand things). It was the fact that none of the men I've met would accept a friendship, if the whole relationship/sex thing wasn't a go.

Ok, well I am very glad you didn't take it personally because I didn't mean it to be. Direct? Yes. Personal? No.

(conscious love): But anyways, I think you are right on both counts. I'm going to hold out for the guy that meets my expectations AND I'm going to lower my expectations at the same time - and by that I mean, I'm going to try to stop expecting that a guy would be capable or wanting of a friendship.

I think the keyword above is "expectations." Just like we are noting that guys may be upset since their "expectations" of romance are being dashed for friendship, it probably shouldn't be "expected" of the guy to take friendship if offered under that situation. Definitely pursue/ask for friendship to see if he is willing or otherwise to just assume that they won't would be jaded.

That's why I think that sometimes the better relationships start where there are little expectations on the first date. Just go and expect having a good time. If romance blooms, then fine; if it doesn't at least you had a great night out on the town. And for me I have always found that romance seems to come to my life when I'm not pressing the issue and let things come as they may.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 44
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 11:46:59 AM
I didn't read all the posts that followed the OP, but I'm not here to
make friends and I suspect that there are many others here that feel
the same way.
If people are on a dating site looking for friends, that's cool, but
it certainly can't be expected that everyone here is.
I've collected a lot of friends in my life time so far. I have family and
I have a job. I can honestly say I don't have as much time as I would
like with the friends and family I have now (I'm pretty sure my friends
would also agree with this) so it's not my intention to collect more.
If I meet someone here and we don't hit it off romantically, I don't
expect to remain friends with them.
I could never hear "let's be friends" again and be perfectly happy.
It's not something I like to hear when I meet someone I genuinely
like and had hoped to pursue a relationship with.
But that's just my opinion. I say do what works for you.
The I don't want to be friends concept is pretty easy for me to
understand though.
 Cape Sunshine
Joined: 8/11/2009
Msg: 45
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 12:17:04 PM
Gay men make the best friends for women. I have one and he is great.

I can't be close friends with a man I am attracted to. I personally wouldn't want to hear about his dates or anything like that. I would probably end up giving him really bad advice so he would never have a girl friend....... lol
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 46
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 12:19:58 PM

Come on you guys! WHO on planet earth hasn't been rejected by someone they liked? Generally i like interesting people, so if they want to be friends even AFTER I try to put a move on... I'm happy - cuz they're cool people. In fact, one of my best friends was a guy who I TOTALLY tried to put the moves on. He TOTALLY rejected me... but then we became friends and now I'm so happy we didn't get it on because he's the type of guy who can't be friends with someone he's had sex with...


Well, heres MY personal feelings on the matter. You are starting the friendship off as a consolation prize. Sure everyone gets a trophy in t-ball, but it means nothing. To be relegated to just a friend and then ask the guy to stare down rejection every time he sees you? Your odds won't be good.

I have about a half a dozen "friends" that are women, and none of them are as close as my guy friends, I'm SURE there are women out there that are kickass friends, but here's some truth.

Men and women communicate differently.

If i got dumped by some girl, I don't even TELL my friends that are girls, they won't get that i just wanna forget about it and move on, not talk about how it crumbled and hash out my feelings. My buddies that are guys will take me out and buy me a shot and bust my balls that I didn't bang her good enough or something, which for ME, works better. I relate to humor, and despite what a LOT of women think, most straight women aren't very funny to men, or at all.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 47
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 3:28:38 PM
"Why do men find it hard to be friends?"
--------------

Men and women CAN'T be friends. It's that simple.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 48
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 3:54:35 PM
Quite simply, if there is a one sided interest that comes from corresponding here, it's not always easy for the interested party to flip a switch and suddenly be able to stay friends with someone they once wanted more from.

Men in this situation have two options:

1. Decline the friendship because they want more than friendship.
2. Agree to the friendship hoping that:
a. They will get used to it and lose romantic interest
b. You will in time become interested in more, making it an investment.

Most men will either stick it out hoping you'll come around, or cut all ties because they know they can't hang out with you in any other capacity.

Since a lot of men tend to become interested over time, and a lot of women never gradually become attracted if they aren't from day one, and all humans tend to project from where they stand, men assume they'll grow on a woman if they stick around, and women assume men will understand and be able to adjust to friendship with no further advances.

And yes, I understand some men know from day one they won't be interested further and some women can gradually become attracted to a guy they had no interest in on day one, but it's just more commonly the other way around.

I also can switch gears when I meet a man I have interest in but it's not mutual -so you can imagine my surprise when I learned not everyone else can do this, and yes I got frustrated with this too - but when someone drops out of the picture after knowing I have no interest, I don't fight it - it beats having to have a talk with some guy every month to remind him I still don't see him as more than a friend.
 chrisofpa
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 49
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 4:03:22 PM
Concious Love said


Come on you guys! WHO on planet earth hasn't been rejected by someone they liked? Generally i like interesting people, so if they want to be friends even AFTER I try to put a move on... I'm happy - cuz they're cool people. In fact, one of my best friends was a guy who I TOTALLY tried to put the moves on. He TOTALLY rejected me... but then we became friends and now I'm so happy we didn't get it on because he's the type of guy who can't be friends with someone he's had sex with...


First of all, men and women are wired differently. The no sex/friends thing worked for you. Great. However, the dynamics when applied to relationships going in the other direction are not simply a mirror image of your experience.

For guys, the dreaded LJBF (let's just be friends) is the 5.5th circle of hell according to the lesser known edition of Dante's Inferno. What it means essentially consists of some or all of the following from the woman to the 'man'.

1. Ohhhhh I now have another girlfriend
2. You will never get any... ever
3. You failed to generate attraction. I do not get excited about you.

What I think happens is that the LJBF is a defense mechanism at often allows a woman to reject a guy relationally/sexually without being overt about it. Guys will often think "Hey, if I'm her friend long enough, things (ie the horizontal tango) will happen". However, that is almost never the case. Once you are branded with the LJBF, it is tattooed on the guy's forehead forever in the eyes of the woman.

Now, as far as POF is concerned, if a woman's profile is not Dating or LTR, (ie friends/chat/hang out ) then some guys will get into it.

I also think some of it depends on the scope of the 'friends' part. If the idea is that the woman expects the guy to act like a girlfriend, listen to all of her problems and be a footstool, then a lot of us won't go for that. If there is something deeper like a passion about politics or some common activity or interest, then that might be a little different.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 50
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 4:37:52 PM
OP: I understand your position on this, but I understand the other side as well. Many aren't here to make more friends. Some can't be platonic friends with the opposite gender.

I have met some and not hit-it-off romantically, but maintained a straight up platonic friendship. It is possible, if one is willing, but not everyone is.

Enjoy the site for what it is; a networking tool with many possibilities.

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