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 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 662
Why do men find it hard to be friends?Page 20 of 44    (4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44)
Let me ask you something. A women who comes across as a mature person, performs oral,on the 2nd date, sexts you for the next 3 days telling you "she`s horny, can`t wait to see you again, and i`m wet,just thinking about you". How would you or anyone interpret what that means?

That's a different story than the original told. Said type of woman freaking out about separate beds could just be a gal wanting her personal space and wanting distance, followed up by "we're just friends" as in "I dont want to be a couple". Strange? Yes. But I wouldn't interpret that as "no sex", despite her worded contradictions, since (immediately previous) actions speak much louder than words.

I would follow up a wanting separate beds and the friends clause with a question to her to be on the same page like "Well, we are more than friends, but you mean you like your space and are picky about your comfort zones, mainly since we're not 'a couple' per se, right?"

What you describe is no different than her giving you a BJ... then the next day sexting you telling you she's horny then you replying with "Yeah, I'd like to go down on you", then she replying with "What? We're just friends!"

If she was serious about the "we're just friends" as if nothing happened shortly before, I'd tell her that it's actually insulting any person's intelligence to say that after what's just happened like it didn't and expecting them to buy that... to say that you're not ready to Date and we're not "a couple" or aiming to be one -- okay. You threw a curveball there, but I got it, fine. But to say we HAVE been -just- friends? Uhh, that's factually incorrect, not an opinion, so it's you who's missing something not me. A BJ and talking about desiring me is outside the friend-zone, and we both know that. Now, if you suddenly want to BEGIN being friends, that's different -- and it's shady or at best really weird during our trip here -- but you're paying for half the trip and getting your own separate room.

IMO, she had a change of heart and rushed into the trip if all that's true, and somewhat suddenly wanted to be friends. She didn't know how to handle it and went wack. OR you've been coming off as a sugar-daddy and she's clearly out of your league and for some reason thought that you two wouldn't be a couple, and it was just a situation one-step short of an escort service and she (stupidly) thought you were on the same page with that.

You did nothing wrong if you didn't show/reveal something about yourself to make any regular Jane want to walk away to cause that or something. If she did do all that in the beginning, no, you had no bad assumptions. I'd find it hard to believe though, that said type of situation would repeat itself for one guy in one generation of time if he had any game in reading women's interests and all that. I could see a sugar-daddy like guy getting a hot model-type who's fancying with sexual talk & a few relations to get more cha-ching, but a guy with game could (almost always) read that.
 mrnova66
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 663
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/18/2010 12:07:17 PM
The question should be 'Why do smart men refuse to play the FRIEND game that women play"..Here today and gone tomorrow searching for the next chump.Then when Mr.Loser arrives she drops Mr.Chump like a hot Potatoe.But meanwhile back at the ranch Mr.Smart guy sees these POS a mile away....I am far away from that intersection..I do not know what is worse the Chump or the POS that takes advanage(SP)of guys..I will go with the POS that strings guys along..It becomes a moral issue....But the POS usually ends up with Mr.Drama king(Mr.Convict,Mr.Abuser,Mr.No job,Mr.Loser)..So it is all good..The POS get everything she deserves and then some..The best ones are the ones that are the abusive drunks that likes to use them as a punching bag...I just told my best friend to stay away from this POS of a lady..It would not listen to me..I told him she is leading you on..He still did not listen...Well fast forward 1 month..You guess it..She drop him like a hot potatoe..Here he is all hurt over some POS..Then about 2 weeks after that we get news that she was a passenger of one of her winner boyfriends drunk diving accidents...She has 225 stitches all over her body with her face mangle up.Well i guess he will not be leading anybody else on...I wonder how many more winner boyfriends she will have.OH!!!About the great boyfriend..He came out of the accident just needing a band-aide..And guess what..Never once went to see his girlfriend while she was in the hospital...Needless to say..My bud learn a valuable lesson..Never trust POS and they always get what they deserve..YOU REEP WHAT YOU SOW!!!!!!!!!!
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 664
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/18/2010 10:57:58 PM

When we left for the Gulf, we were having a great time,laughing and having fun on the ride up! We made a stop for lunch, she received a call, she told me it was from her office and got up and excused herself. After a few minutes she returned she had a look on her face which looked like she heard some bad news...Who knows maybe it was someone who she was seeing,besides me! Too hard too tell. Still, we get to the hotel and thats when she gives me the bad news... At that point, i`m a bit freaked out with her and her attitude, its as if she changed and now, all bets are off, and i should accept her as a friend...

Would it matter, if we stayed the entire weekend, if i thought our situation would change i would have,but, she kind of took the wind out of my sail and ruined the entire weekend festivities.
I did what any normal self respecting person would do, i expressed my feelings, told her i wasn`t into the friendszone,and was seeking a relationship. Which was something i discussed from the onset.I felt she mislead me by saying one thing and demonstrating another...


The phone call from her husband reminding her that he's having her watched and the pre-nup says if she cheats on him she gets nothing... ?
 AquanGold
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 665
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2010 4:27:27 AM
Like i mentioned anything is possible.. I`ve moved on from that experience. don`t plan on doing something that stupid again...lol
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 666
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2010 10:56:53 AM
Yeah, it's hard not to go with the fast-paced flow with a gal who's really attractive and sexually fraternized with ya already. Of course, IMO, if a gal seems "out of my league" so to speak, warms up to me very very rapidly, and then wants to go out on a weekend trip with after I wined & dined her for a date or two, it'd be a yellow (ie caution) flag.

I guess the lesson to be learned is that a gal's "feelings" can change, notably when you're in a situation where she seems on the surface to be a very great catch, the known positive attributes about you to her were wining & dining, and she wants to move fast with you. I think every guy should have a "plan B" when it comes to a gal wanting something like a weekend trip together after two dates of knowing each other -- maybe instead a drive out an hour away instead to go sight seeing or something.... that way, realizing her lack of interest wouldn't have been a much wasted investment, and you'd still have the option to get a hotel room at night and have a bit of that getaway experience.
 BrookfieldMan
Joined: 2/6/2011
Msg: 668
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/5/2011 6:39:23 AM
i personally find it very difficult to look at women as friends.

if we're friends that means we're probably having a good time, maybe laughing and enjoying each other's company.

i always want to take it to the ultimate level and
bang em like a screen door in a hurricane.

i guess i have a low maturity level.
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 670
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/5/2011 12:52:08 PM

If your going a "few months" always picking up the tab and not know where you stand in the relationship, sorry bro, that is YOUR fault. I go on three dates, if she hasnt AT LEAST offered to pick up the tab, then I stop paying or stop asking, one or the other...


Just wanted to say I totally agree with this.
 mrnova66
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 671
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/5/2011 12:55:33 PM
Like i stated in a earlier post..I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS WORSE..The Chump or the POS of a woman..I will go with the MORAL issue..The user...But it is all good..Usually the POS of the woman ends up with the biggest loser(drunk,druggie,jail bird,woman beater,no life)..They deserve everything they get from these losers and then some..I do not give a crap who they are..NOBODY do not have a right to lead other people on...
 mrnova66
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 672
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/5/2011 1:41:45 PM
I agree^^^^^The bottom line she used you..As far as i am concerned she is a POS..She was no friend..Most women have this mentality(SP)..Then the good guys have trust issues...And my favorite ones are the ones that claim to have all these guy friends...YEA!!!RIGHT!!!Ask any of these POS if they ever set up one of their guy friend up on a date..I mean if their such great friends and all,Then what is the harm...Personall i stay well clear of women that claim she has guy friends...They are very dangerous...
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 675
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/5/2011 7:16:28 PM

Sometimes.. Friendship is all that is offered.. he can take it.. or leave it..

a choice.

its ok to just leave it!


Ah, but what started this thread was the OP (long gone now) being "offended" by the fact that men either still tried to get with them, or (gasp!) "refused" her offer of friendship.

Her offense at them refusing is then, in many ways, her own 'selfishness' - that she wants to keep these guys hanging around as "friends", but doesn't seem to want to respect *their* choice in the matter.
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 676
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/5/2011 7:41:09 PM
What's really funny is how these "POS" women always have a ton of men as "friends" and many of these men think these women are the cat's meow, so nice, so pretty, so this, so that.

I'm sure you all know the type I'm talking about too.

Women are not going to stop this behaviour because men allow it. Until all men stop being weakened by sex, this stuff's gonna continue. So, what I'm saying is, it will never end.

I've never kept men as friends and I'm very very leery of men who ask to be my friend. Other than the guys I've known since childhood, I've only added one man I've dated to my facebook as a friend (everyone else is part of a large group) - we both agreed there was nothing there, but we still don't hang out alone and we rarely see each other. I think it was an unspoken agreement that we would invite each other to parties where we could meet other people :)

Because I have strong principles on this, some men even consider me cold and unfeminine. I'd rather be cold to a man than lead him on, but whatever.
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 679
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/5/2011 9:21:32 PM
^^you won't find me arguing this one with you Cdnice and I've been the situation before. But I still maintain that I see some pretty hot women with a ton of male "friends". Maybe people are just weak. Shrug.

I don't have a problem with men doing this, what I have a problem with is them then b*tching afterwards about how they got used etc., as if it was all the woman's fault.

This is yet another example of people not learning anything from their past relationships.
 mrnova66
Joined: 11/28/2009
Msg: 680
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/6/2011 2:49:30 PM
I agree again^^^It would be nice if women would be more up front insted of leading gus on..But it is all good..They end up with men just like them..POS..They deserve everything they get.It is funny how KARMA works..And beleive me karma works overtime on these POS!!!!!!!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 681
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/6/2011 3:18:26 PM

But isnt that the point Debi, Happy, if the man and woman have no attraction to each other friendship can work, but if one has a attraction to the other person, its never going to work.

More like if one has an attraction they can't get past, then it's a problem. I'm sure there are people who can get past it (with someone they've known a while - a complete stranger would be sort of pointless). Rare, I'm sure - but possible.
 ICtheLite
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 682
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/6/2011 4:08:01 PM
OP - I have made 3 very good platonic friends in the past 18 months I've been online. It is possible for some, but not all. I actually went to one of their weddings last Fall. You will only be able to make true friends with guys who understand no means no.

Now I see I need an edit. By platonic friends I mean we both pay our own way, just like any other friends would do.
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 684
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/6/2011 5:59:52 PM
platonic.. and i wouldn't hang out alone with them as some are married.. etc


This is what most men are getting at. If it is just friendship, then why not hang out alone with them? To me, a man that is married or a single man is the same when it comes to friendship. Unless there is NO attraction, I won't be friends with him and even then I never suggest it. I have strong principles and don't like to lead people on.

In all the +20 LTR/marriages I know, I know of ZERO opposite sex close friendships. They hang out together. I don't see the wife going out to a movie or spending the day having lunch with the other husband! The "alone" time goes by the wayside. If they were "friends" as described here, there wouldn't be an issue and you could hang out with them like you do your GF's.

I find far too many women assume they have these "guy friends" when in reality they are really just pseudo acquaintainces. They are usually not friends you go to like you do your best GF. There are exceptions, but I haven't seen many.
 ICtheLite
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 685
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/6/2011 6:29:43 PM

In my opinion, rejection isn't the best foundation for any kind of relationship, much less a "true friendship."
.

Well, your right, rejection isn't a basis for a relationship. The possibility of friendship depends on the people involved, in my experience. All I can tell you is we know we could count on each other if the need ever arose. We are true friends with some similar interests .... we go out to eat, shooting, fishing, to movies, casino... whatever. I count myself lucky and don't question it or why or how it happened.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 686
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/6/2011 9:04:04 PM
I don't know why anyone would want to be just plutonic friends with a person they were physically attracted to and had wanted to date. Seems like being around them would always be an unpleasant reminder.
 ICtheLite
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 687
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/7/2011 8:51:53 AM

all these guy's on their phone contact lists are really FWB's, but its not like these women are going to go around and admit that and make them selves look like sl*t's to everyone now are they?


Hmm, Almost got offended there for a second until I saw you are only 25. I know that if I were to call or text any of my male friends and say "Be here at 8 and bring your toothbrush" they would never speak to me again. That just isn't part of our relationship as friends; never was, never will be. I don't understand why you think a man/women friendship has to involve sex, or one using the other in some way.

Should I assume that the 77 yr old man that plows my driveway out of the goodness of his heart WANTS me? ....... I think not. Good people are good people, simple as that.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 688
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/7/2011 9:38:35 AM

I don't know why anyone would want to be just plutonic friends with a person they were physically attracted to and had wanted to date. Seems like being around them would always be an unpleasant reminder.

It's not unpleasant unless you make it about you. And lack of attraction isn't about you - it's part of life. So you just direct your romantic interest in another direction. It's not like there aren't other people in the world. Sometimes it's nice to have a kill switch installed.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 689
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/7/2011 9:40:10 AM

I don't know why anyone would want to be just platonic friends with a person they were physically attracted to and had wanted to date. Seems like being around them would always be an unpleasant reminder.

It's not unpleasant unless you make it about you. And lack of attraction isn't about you - it's part of life. It happens everyday - just as some aren't into us, there are some that we aren't into either - same difference. So you just shrug and direct your romantic interest elsewhere. It's not like there aren't other people in the world. Sometimes it's nice to have a kill switch installed.

Agreed and noted though that not everyone does.
 CompuG8r
Joined: 10/4/2010
Msg: 692
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/7/2011 7:37:33 PM
OP From the male perspective, if I'm attracted to you it's difficult to just be friends. Unless, you're married to a friend of mine or your a friends girl friend. If you and I are hanging out and I like you, I'm going to wonder what it would be like to be with you. I don't have that problem with guys because I have no physical attraction to them. With women though, that attraction is a big obstacle to overcome. I've done it before and I can do it again, but it is a big obstacle. I imagine it's the same with the guys that you tried to befriend.
 ICtheLite
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 693
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/7/2011 11:58:13 PM
Wow, you guys are a tough crowd, lol. But here we go:

Amboyace , ferfoxache & Watcher – You are all right, I can only say what my prospective of our friendship is with 100% certainty. If I am seeing these guys through rose colored glasses, I will keep them on.

CompuG8r

With women though, that attraction is a big obstacle to overcome. I've done it before and I can do it again, but it is a big obstacle. I imagine it's the same with the guys that you tried to befriend.


Yes, it can be done, thank you for that. Admittedly, it is not always possible.
 Laha Math
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 694
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/12/2011 5:58:13 PM
OP seems to have made a Freudian slip which supports what some of the men have been writing here. Should be "Why do men find it *difficult* to be friends"? :)

I would look on women met on this site as mating material and very unlikely want to be friends if incompatible. I would be interested in women met in other venues, say at work or on committees, as friends or at least friendly coworkers. With them I would be more interested in sharing information than a bed. In so many cases bed is just not practical. I have been online for over 10 years and have online female friends, eg on Facebook, some of whom I have never met, and whom I admire for their intelligence and wit, but never think of as potential mates. Cool and sexy, yes, but mates, no.

I've met women offline socially who are looking for a mate. For example men join sporting clubs for the physical activity, personal development, and sometimes competition. Women often join the same clubs to meet someone special and are keen on organizing social events to bring people together. Women also volunteer at charity events and festivals to try and meet a mate.

However I strongly suspect PoF is something healthy normal men use exclusively to find mates, or a reasonable facsimile, not platonic female friends. OP and other women on this site should not expect incompatible men to be platonic friends.
 good_catch77
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 695
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/17/2011 8:26:11 PM
1st only read the last 2 pages so if anything I've posted has already been said oh well...


I don't know why anyone would want to be just platonic friends with a person they were physically attracted to and had wanted to date. Seems like being around them would always be an unpleasant reminder.


Carrying on, I agree with ^^^^ why would anyone want to be great friends with someone you could never have. I have a couple of women that I work with that we have lunch together and we chat and talk, usually about work, even some light flirting. But I would call us good friends and great work buddies. We may chat on fb from time to time. But I wouldn't call either of them up to go out on the town with or anything. They are both married. I may do the whole double date or something but that would be the extent of it. I am attracted to them, its probably obvious and I could care less. But I know that I'm not going down that road so no use in trying. Even if I was offered I would never do that.

Idk about the whole "hardwired" thing going around here, on other threads too, I guess where I don't consider myself a label I don't see that. I'm just a guy that is single. I can see the argument in one sense. But I'm a firm believer in "diamonds in the rough" so I don't believe in anything that says "all" of a certain gender is hardwired. Just me.

I have good friends that are the opposite sex but they are few and far between. I have a lot of acquaintances that are female. But I distance myself for a reason. I don't like feeling like I'm used...

I agree with the post

Men see just friendship as being used
Women see just sex as being uses...

Delightfully ironic...but true

Best of luck to everyone



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