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 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 696
Why do men find it hard to be friends?Page 21 of 44    (4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44)

women on this site should not expect incompatible men to be platonic friends.


Exactly. Yet I've noticed that some women will continue to push this and insist otherwise.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 697
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/19/2011 7:42:21 AM

why would anyone want to be great friends with someone you could never have.

Because you may potentially get along with them otherwise, because they're not the last person you're ever going to find attractive, and because it's not always about you. At least, that's how "I" could be friends with somone I can't have (or isn't into me, so therefore why would I want to?).
 KratosSpawn
Joined: 10/24/2010
Msg: 698
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/21/2011 10:33:07 PM
Honestly, most men don't want to be your friend when they meet you. That's just a fact, we'd rather be let know that you are not interested rather than just be your platonic friends. Now if you go out with a guy & he is not your type and you smoothly reject him, then it is entirely on him for not accepting that. I can understand your frusteration there, but don't expect a guy who is interested in dating you to settle for a friendship easily.

In terms of actually hooking up and doing it right, just continue to filter through the messages on here as well as position yourself at places where men you would like stay at. You are sure to catch a confident one strike up a conversation with you
 Laha Math
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 700
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/23/2011 5:27:13 PM
I see all women as sex objects but then I'm just a helpless victim of biological evolution.

 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 702
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/23/2011 8:24:53 PM
Why do men find it hard to be friends? They don't. I've had the same best friend for 35 years and he's a man and doesn't seem too obstinate.
 romancemann
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 703
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/24/2011 6:42:16 AM
Why do men find it hard to be friends?

i don't find it rewarding enough.

i see women in the light of physical, mental and emotional desirability.

i want to entertain them, make them laugh, show them a good time and get right in there and be their man.

when all things are right and ready that's when we go mattress surfing.

i don't care for it any other way because it's boring.
 good_catch77
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 704
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/26/2011 8:45:53 AM

First Question: Why are you trying to find friends on a dating site?? Seems weird to me. And not to mention, confusing for the guys. Its like you are going to hire someone for a marketing position for your company and then tell them that they will be filling the position of a Janitor instead and expect them to be cool about it.


Yeah I can see this analogy, why would anyone settle to be a janitor when they are trained to be a marketer. Now sometimes you have to start at the bottom and take one step at a time. But if that is what you've interviewed for you'd probably turn down the janitor job. Esp since the place down the street wants you to be a marketer.

Finding friends is for FB and MY_____ I agree this is a dating site. Now on the flip side the forums is for friends and new people to debate with. But the actual POF is a dating site. I know you've got to craw before you walk...but sometimes you want to run.


And the thing you wanted to hear: Settling with a friend after trying to find a romantic partner is like the worst rejection ever. unless your pursuits match mine EXACTLY, being friends is pretty much out of the question, STRICTLY speaking from a PoF standpoint. Now if you're and friend of a friend and we hang out in groups and ur cool, then ya maybe. But im not going to 'settle' with random chics on a dating site, when finding a partner is/was my primary goal.


This ^^^^ is why guys don't want to be just friends with someone he was/is attracted to. It is the ultimate rejection. Telling a guy you just want to be friends is like a guy telling you he just wants sex. I'm with JHAWK I've got more than enough friends and acquaintances I'm not here looking for that, which like mentioned is what those other sites are for, I'm looking for a potential "catch" not bait....

Best of luck to everyone
 Goldenkid
Joined: 2/22/2011
Msg: 705
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/28/2011 10:10:33 AM
I see no reason why men and women can't be friends. I don't think you can go to far anyway with out being friends first. No where where it will count anyway.
I have two male friends who I met years ago, on I intended to date but we hit it off so good as friends that 30 years later, we are still friends. Without sexual benifits. I am even friends with his wife of 25 years!! He is like my brother, wouldn't give him up for the world!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 706
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/28/2011 1:20:35 PM

but one thing i hate is when that is automatically assumed by women as some character deficiency that you view women as sex objects.

Yeah, that is what can suck -- but that fine line can be walked without too much trouble, as long as you avoid the man-haters.

i dont view people as barter chips

Unfortunately, the section of women who like to dangle "giving it up" in front of a guy in order to get what they want (sincere attention; dinner bills paid, etc) is actually *playing the game* of chips to barter... when they do that, they can't complain that things are games -- they just opened up the board game in that case.

When a woman wants to be just (truly platonic) friends with a guy -- that means lack of interest. Period. It could be due to past situations with dating, or it (usually) could mean your looks & status, but for whatever reason behind the scenes -- she lacks interest.

In the end, playing the "friends first" game is a being-in-control thing when it comes to applying it to the dating scene. It's an oxymoron, first off... but secondly, if she IS truly interested in said guy, that thought of "friends first" will drop in 5 seconds, and she'd be accusing HIM of playing games if for some reason he did just want to be just friends and continue to see her.
 happybunny8
Joined: 4/16/2010
Msg: 707
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/28/2011 2:38:19 PM
There are enough other social sites to make friends on. I didn't come on here to make friends. I did meet GF's through the events, but the main "goal" was meeting men.

I have met one guy on here that is now a "friend". However we dated first and he asked me if I wanted to remain friends and we rarely hang out.

I think alot of women mistake the men in a group of people as "friends" per se. If I'm not doing things with this person in a smaller group or talking to them regularly, the "friends" moniker is kinda meh.

The only time I had real male friends was from my teens until about mid-20's. These were guys I'd known since I was basically a child and we hung out very very often. I ended up in a relationship with two of them - so much for friends right? However, they have remained what I call friends as we all live different places, but see each other at important times and most of us have coupled off anyway at this point. These are men that I love as friends, but that's because of our history.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 708
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/28/2011 6:05:13 PM

In the end, playing the "friends first" game is a being-in-control thing when it comes to applying it to the dating scene. It's an oxymoron, first off... but secondly, if she IS truly interested in said guy, that thought of "friends first" will drop in 5 seconds, and she'd be accusing HIM of playing games if for some reason he did just want to be just friends and continue to see her.

Not all women are like this. For some, "friends first" means getting to know someone before getting involved. "Friends only" is for guys you get along with but don't ever want to date, and "neither" is for guys you haven't met yet, and guys you don't want to date and don't like.

If a guy I was interested in was interested mutually and wanted to be friends first, I don't understand why that'd be a bad thing.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 709
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/29/2011 5:53:02 PM
^^^^ Yeah, not all women take that approach to "friends first", but I will say that altogether, it's either just an expression and no different than just a signal that they're not wanting to rush into anything big quick, etc... OR more-or-less what I described.

Literally "friends first" = platonic. Stating that outloud is the act of stepping away from someone. Doing so initially when engaging with a guy + expecting things to not be 100% platonic is "playing games".

And I'll say this: If one really does want to be no more than just friends -- they lack interest. Maybe they lack sufficient interest in men(or women)/dating altogether which applies to 99.99% of all people, but for whatever reason, it's a bad sign.

Time and time again, you can see someone play the "friends first" game with a particular person, then be most certainly more than friends (but not necessarily rushing into things at all) with someone else within the same general timeframe.

When it's not used as just a (technically) inaccurate cliche in regards to seriousness, it's just about how to handle folks one is not (or may not) be interested in, but "who knows maybe" have interest or likes them as a person and feels no guilt by lingering attractive qualities, etc.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 710
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/29/2011 7:59:26 PM
^^^^That's cool. Some like to have a friendship with a person to go along with the relationship, as an extra dimension. Others don't care if they can get along with or spend time with their SO outside the physical end of it. Friendship and relationship isn't always mutually exclusive...
 Wyatt Earp1
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 711
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/29/2011 9:23:18 PM
Why do women who get rejected freak out? ;) I have been friends with women before. But usually a woman quickly knows if she wants to bed you down. Otherwise most of the time, she's just stringing you along so her ego can get stroked.

Ok you went out on 25 dates and are asking for advice. I see this is an old post. I hope the wise women & men on this forum have helped you. Wishing you luck.

________________________________________________________
conscious love on 12/20/2009 121 AM
Subject: Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Message: I've been on and off of POF a few times in the last few years and one thing I find really annoying is that I've met lots of interesting guys who'd I'd truly like to be friends with (but not date, for whatever reason) and they just can't handle it. They either get all offended or they keep trying to hit on me. Even when they say that they're okay with just being friends, they AREN'T. I can tell they think that I might change my mind one day... and they keep trying to woo me and then I need to be a b*tch. Now, I don't want to complain about being wooed and I know there are lots of bigger problems in life - but this is a serious bummer. I mean, I've made BIG efforts (ie. wasted my time) to be friends with some men and sooner or later - it always blows up in my face.

For your info: I'm 32, kind of cute (I think) and I have my profile set to looking for 'dating' - I'm not looking for friends, but I'm not about to snub my nose at making some either. I'd like to get SOMETHING out of my time and energy on this freaking site. As well, to give you some numbers - I've gone on about 25 first meeting coffee dates and maybe 5-10 of these either went on to a second date or a 'friendship'. Out of all these, I only dated one guy.

Does anyone have any insight - am I doing something wrong? Is it just me? Do other people have similar experiences? Has anyone with similar circumstances to mine (I repeat similar circumstances ) actually made a REAL friend on this site?

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this and respond - I appreciate it!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 712
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 3/30/2011 9:33:05 PM

Some like to have a friendship with a person to go along with the relationship, as an extra dimension.

A friendship is always intertwined within a relationship, there's not an 'extra' about it. A relationship w/o a friendship of any sort is not a relationship. In the context of "just friends" or "friends first", it's about being more-or-less platonic. If someone's to inject an extra dimension into a relationship, that being platonic, then they're downgrading.
.
 totalazzhole
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 713
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 4/1/2011 12:20:15 PM
some women make you feel that:

"I don't want to be your brother .. I don't want to be your mother\
I just want to be your lover.."
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 714
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 4/2/2011 4:25:45 AM
It could very well be that a guy does indeed have enough female friends that he does not NEED any more.

The amount of wanting to share personal feelings and then also gabbing about nothing for extended periods of time with a FEW female friends is sure enough to drive a lot man bonkers. I know for me personally it is. I have about 4 or 5 gals that have been friends for multiple decades. I think I am at my capacity.

When I am involved with a woman romantically, I take the bad along with the good. I listen to her and her problems and concerns and if possible try to help and find a solution. Sometimes I just have to sit there til she vents and give her a hug and it's all she wanted. Other times I have to translate from woman speak into man speak .


Female I am involved romantically with:
Her : We need to talk.
Me : (Thinking,Oh man. I screwed something up and I am about to get reamed.) Saying... Ok Honey.. what's on your mind?

Most generally women don't want answers. they want empathy. Guys for the most part are fixers.

Female friend :
Her : My car won't start. I don't know whats wrong with it.
Me: OK. You want me to take a look at it and fix it or should I call my buddy at the garage?

Problem solved.

BUT it is like this quite often:

Her : I like this guy but I am not sure of the level of commitment I am willing to give him.. he has this really annoying habit.. Did you see those new shoes? OMG!! I can't believe that girl over there is wearing that outfit... Anyway He is a great guy and well he parts his hair wrong. My niece said the cutest thing!... it was soooo funny... And he won't open up to me I feel.. what am I doing wrong,etc,etc

Me : Glassy eyed blank look.nod.


So. Female "friends" I am at my capacity for. Being friendly towards female acquaintance I can handle.

Just my observation and view. Your mileage may vary.
 Wyatt Earp1
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 715
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 4/4/2011 10:51:05 PM
LinuxD wrote:

Female I am involved romantically with:
Her : We need to talk.
Me : (Thinking,Oh man. I screwed something up and I am about to get reamed.) Saying... Ok Honey.. what's on your mind?

Most generally women don't want answers. they want empathy. Guys for the most part are fixers.

Female friend :
Her : My car won't start. I don't know whats wrong with it.
Me: OK. You want me to take a look at it and fix it or should I call my buddy at the garage?

Problem solved.


Ok I can identify with this. Bravo, says it all.

But {& this has nothing to do with the above post} I'm going to revise what I posted before. I have a lot of female aquaintainces. Some of the women friends I just reconnected with from elementary & High School. Most of them are married. It can be very fulfilling for me to have a few of them get closer & vice versa. For a select few of the single ones, maybe our relationship will change. Maybe we will just laugh till our kidneys fly out of us...who gives a f*ck...but for me it is FUN having friends of the opposite gender.

Hey I got a bunch of guy friends & nothing can replace that. We chill out, talk about sh*t, play football, some of us go to football or baseball games. Somtimes we argue over stuff & then shake over it. They got my back & I got theirs. Having a woman friend allows me to talk about things my guy friends don't talk about. Or don't go into detail about. A woman who knows you often can give you great perceptive advice. Not only that, but you get great hugs. ;)
 AquanGold
Joined: 11/22/2010
Msg: 716
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 4/6/2011 4:49:51 AM
My attitude is I don`t wish to be classified in the "friend zone" by someone who i have interest in. Nor, do i want to be introduced to anyone`s friends.
If i receive those signals, i like to tell that person, "Thanks,but No Thanks.
Its pointless and makes little or no sense, unless of course, i`m in dire need of more friends, which isn`t the case.
There are some women who join dating sites and love to become chronic daters. Along the way, they truly believe their company is the most satisfying and although they don`t qualify you as BF material, they`re still looking to be taken out as often as possible..
These women are only concerned about one thing and thats themselves....
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 717
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 4/6/2011 7:40:03 AM
I'm not actually looking for "friends".
I have plenty of friends, family, acquaintances, co-workers etc.
I firmly believe you can have too many friends...I barely have time
for the ones I already have.

I've only ever offered to be "friends" with someone I dated once,
and I felt bad about it and will never do it again. I told him right up
front that we would never be a couple, but he constantly called to
meet up for concerts or dinner. I'd say no and he'd say...come on...we'll
just go as friends. Yeah right. The whole time he was just figuring I'd come
around and when I didn't he called me a user etc blah blah blah barf.

I have no plans to meet guys for friends anymore.
I tell them that if we don't hit it off I won't be your friend, we won't meet up again, see ya later aligator. I also won't be friends with someone I have an interest in nor do I
want to hear the words "let's just be friends" out of someone else's mouth.

Sounds like a second prize or the traditional booby prize.
No thanks.
 You_are_not_alone
Joined: 3/10/2010
Msg: 718
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 4/9/2011 3:29:16 AM
I may not be a seasoned veteran, but I've done the 'friends' thing enough to know that it just doesn't work for me. I've always had plenty of female friends. I'm not looking for another one to add to the list, I'm looking for my damn soulmate. If it ain't you, then shoo.
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 719
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 4/9/2011 5:20:35 AM

Her : I like this guy but I am not sure of the level of commitment I am willing to give him.. he has this really annoying habit.. Did you see those new shoes? OMG!! I can't believe that girl over there is wearing that outfit... Anyway He is a great guy and well he parts his hair wrong. My niece said the cutest thing!... it was soooo funny... And he won't open up to me I feel.. what am I doing wrong,etc,etc

Me : Glassy eyed blank look.nod.




LOOLL^^^

 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 722
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 4/9/2011 8:02:16 AM
I think every man over the age of 18 has had the experience of a woman he is romantically / sexually interested in reject him, and use the phrase, "Let's just be friends." I myself HATE that phrase, and hope I never hear it again. (Realistically, I know I will.)

But fellow members of the male society, try this on for size: The next time you get that line, answer back, "Okay, then how about setting me up with your sister / best friend / that hot girl who works in your office?"
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 723
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 4/9/2011 8:06:29 AM
^^^I'm not sure why a woman would say no to this? If she's not into you - she'd not only be fine with it, she'd prefer it so that you'd move on to someone else, who they are to her isn't relevant.

I've offered to help guys I wasn't into meet women I knew who might be a match. I'll even help a guy I am into meet friends if he's not interested. What's the big freaking deal?
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 724
view profile
History
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 4/9/2011 1:08:18 PM
I've offered to help guys I wasn't into meet women I knew who might be a match. I'll even help a guy I am into meet friends if he's not interested. What's the big freaking deal?


You are an exceptional woman. MOST women would freak the hell out! Sure.. it SHOULD NOT be a problem. Experience tells me otherwise.

There would be much stammering and backpedaling and offers of "Ummmmm.. I'm not a matchmaker" or some such drivel.
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