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 LongAfterDark
Joined: 5/17/2008
Msg: 51
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Guys don't want to be friends with you because it is immasulating. "Well I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole but you're really INTERESTING. Lets go for coffee and then later you can go jack off or whatever you're into while I go home to my boyfriend who i think is much hotter than you and have sex with him."
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 52
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 7:22:25 PM
concious love,

I think a lot of what people are saying is that you have no room to complain about things blowing up in your face trying to be "a friend" to a guy you reject. Most do not want to be your friend. Some of them will still try to, to get a 'chance' in. You don't go to a dating site to be a one-on-one friend... you're playing with fire, and nobody's going to give you sympathy for getting burned, that's all. :)
 yourstillhere
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 53
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 7:23:07 PM
alot of men have their permanent friendship circles all built by the time they`re in their thirties if not before and the addition of others will come much less often after that and only if they can offer high value such as you have alot of hot single friends money or you are good at sports.

otherwise for the most part men will have difficulty finding value in friendships with women because we dont operate on the same friendship wavelength.
 Rick Rogers
Joined: 1/20/2007
Msg: 54
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/21/2009 9:53:49 PM
I have to agree with rarebird on a lot of points. If you tell a guy you want to be his "friend", What he hears is: I will let you spend money on me, take me to nice places, do things for me, but I will reserve sex for another guy. To make things even, i'll remember your birthday with a two dollar card and a phone call. When you're over here fixing my car, I might even offer you a beer. That's what "friends" do.

This is actually the way many women think.

A female friend to a straight guy is simply someone he hasn't slept with yet.
 conscious love
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 55
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/22/2009 9:37:04 AM
okay - I get it. Thanks to everyone for all your input. There have been about 100 responses to this thread and about 95 of them have said that friendship is either impossible or unwanted. So - I get it. I'm that 5 % on the margins of the bellcurve (what's new?) when it comes to the whole friendship thing and now I totally understand why my attempts at friendship on POF have failed utterly. I will change my expectations accordingly; save myself a lot of energy and hassle. I'm also thinking of changing my profile to 'friends'... I think a lot of you were right when you say that a successful relationship needs to start off as a friendship.

Thanks a bunch and Happy fishing!!!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 56
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/22/2009 5:43:25 PM
conscious,

Not all scenarios are the same. You can be friends with someone of the same sex, but again, not blindly. You don't pick someone up at the supermarket, bar, or on dating sites to find a friend of the opposite sex, that's all. Girls can much more readily be just friends with guys -- guys really can't -- not one-on-one friends, sorry.

With that said, why are you going to put "Friends" on your profile? What's that going to solve? You said you're not looking for friends. OH Wait... a successful relationship starts off as a friendship, right? LOL

DO you not see the problem with this?! :)

You're going to go out with all these guys, and each one who is your friend IS going to hit on you. Why? "Hey, they all start off as friendships" while you're thinking "I just want to be friends". You're just making it more confusing.

No, not all successful relationships start off as friendships... there are many that have, but most of them being part of a social group. 99% of "No, not my type" through blind dating or pickups from the bar, events, or whatnot are NOT going to lead to successful relationships.

Give it up! Don't be "just friends" with guys! Putting "Friends" as what you're looking for (a) Is not what you're truly looking for, (b) It will aid in your original problems, and (c) 'Friends' is set for either hookups or FWB/Hang-Out *OR* you're taken and that's the best selection - actual platonic. This is a dating site.
 Cat*Eyes
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 57
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/22/2009 9:57:00 PM
All my friends are men. My 2 best male friends each have a girl friend and they each are in a committed relationship. There is no physical attraction or chemistry of the attraction of mating between me and my male friends, but they have good mental attitudes and I can talk to them about everything.
Summary- It is a fact for me that a Male and a Female can be just friends and nothing more.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 58
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/23/2009 11:44:51 AM

All my friends are men.

And many would like to pork you if given the chance when single. Doesn't mean they have a crush. They either started out liking the idea of playing hide the salami, or still do now.

There is no physical attraction or chemistry of the attraction of mating between me and my male friends

None carried out anyway. I believe that's the case for you, but not necessarily for them. Just because they haven't hit on you doesn't mean they wouldn't take you up on a roll in the hay if/when they're single (or their relationship's in the dumps).

Now I say that in reference to one-on-one friendships especially. The more a guy is "part of the same social group and we're friends", the less that holds meaning. The more a guy is "someone I met on a dating site but we became one-on-one friends" the massively high liklihood he wanted to get in your pants, and still does if you're still one-on-one friends hanging out, etc.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 59
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/23/2009 4:05:09 PM
----------- ^^ LOL
 Strings6
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 60
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/23/2009 5:23:40 PM
Not true...men are quite capable of being friends with women they are not attracted to...it's just that the concept of a man not being attracted to them that some women can't grasp.
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 61
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/23/2009 5:28:00 PM

If I go on a date I HAVE to either put out or become their gf and if I don't I'm jerking them around?
No but it's a bit outrageous to wonder on public forums why guys who you meet on DATING websites don't want to befriend you when you reject them romantically. You sound a bit naive if you think people wish to meet friends via this site. It is possible I guess, but I think even those people who state they want to meet "friends" on this site are really looking to turn friendship into romance. You are wondering why folks don't want to do the opposite on a DATING website. C'mon.

How do you know when or how I say that I'm not interested in a romantic relationship?
Um, because I know how to read? OP stated she's in a quandary why guys don't want to be friends with her when she lets them know after one date or a series of dates that she has NO romantic interest.

I think you're confusing me with some other woman - hopefully you don't see all women like this and if you do, I feel sorry for you.
Um, let's say I meet via the internet a woman like the OP. She accepts an invite from me, we meet, then go on a followup date. Then she tells "hey bikeman, we're never going on another romantic date, but hey let's be friends, ok hun?" Let's say I like this woman and say to myself "what the hell, I'll befriend her". Then after befriending her, via the friendship I discover that she befriends other guys like this, guys who she romantically rejects. First thing I'd be thinking is she keeps these guys around and rotates them into her romantic fold when it suits her. Or she's got a problem forming friendships with females. Or she keeps the guys hanging around to either boost her ego or inflate her sagging self esteem. Any one of these revelations about my new friend is troubling. I'm not going to want to be friends with a woman who collects male friends who were her former romantic interests.

men are incapable of being just friends
That's not true, but it's definitely an uphill battle for a woman to turn a former male casual romantic interest into a platonic friend. EXTREMELY uphill.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 62
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/26/2009 4:17:13 PM
Right on Bumble


I for one have several female friends whom I enjoy very much... It's also great to have a females perspective when discussing relationships. We bounce relationship questions off each other and get the other sex's perspective. I find it invaluable. I also love their companionship. Plus it's more comfortable sometimes going to dinner and movie with a lady friend than a guy friend!
 durandal26
Joined: 3/16/2008
Msg: 63
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/26/2009 5:28:27 PM

I've had the same experience. One guy told me "you're one of those" when I asked what he meant, he said I'm collecting friends! They get offended cause 1/ they are insecure and 2/ they looking to score and if you're not interested they move onto the next victim. Very few are genuine on here.


Uh, no. If someone is not interested in making "friends" from a dating site, that is their right and is not a fault on their part.

Please explain how a person not interested in making friends from a dating site is insecure?

I also like how you equate not wanting to make friends with not being genuine. If by genuine you mean "genuinely interested in making friends", then you're right, very few are genuine on here. Of course, I'm not surprised given that this is a dating site called plenty of fish, not a friendship site called plenty of friends.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 64
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/26/2009 6:04:44 PM
Exactly 13K !!

I have many male friends that are not sexually appealing to me.....
and I know I'm not their cup of tea also!
I know this........because we are friends.....and we discuss our dating and sex lives
with each other....just like I do w/ my girl friends.
Doesn't bother me in the least they don't want to boink me!!
And in actually......I respect them all the more for it!

The more I read these threads about friendships and FWBs.....
the more I really appreciate the friends I have in my life.
Must be that corn fed, beef bred redneck upbringing we've had here
in the Midwest.........Because my male friends are true men that know
how to be a friend without the "expectations" I'm reading in these forums.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 65
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 2:22:50 AM
I respectfully disagree that men can only be friends with women they are not attracted to...Most of my female friends are VERY attractive...the thing is, at this point in my life I want the FRIENDSHIP, the ATTRACTION and the CHEMISTRY and I will readily admit that out of all of them Ill place the chemistry thing first and the physical attraction last...I'd rather be with a woman whom I have chemistry and friendship with than the one who looks good on my arm but isn't very fun and there's no spark!....I'll admit that when I was younger The opposite may have been true!
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 66
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 6:31:53 AM
It's one thing to have an attractive woman for a friend.

It's an entirely different matter to have dated an attractive woman who you met via the internet (you barely know her), have her spurn your advances yet say "hey let's be friends", then find out she does this with practically every guy she meets via the internet. It's a one-way ticket to blue balls.
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 67
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 7:11:58 AM
I have lots of female friends... some of whom are stunningly beautiful.

::shrug::

Some I could even see myself dating. I won't invest emotion into someone who I don't have a dating relationship, though.

I think that a man's ability to have female friends is directly related to his intelligence and desirability.

Men who get little to no female attention, or are stupid and think with their little heads are not capable of being friends to the opposite gender.

Just my .02

-8sf8
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 68
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 8:30:42 AM

I have lots of female friends... some of whom are stunningly beautiful.


As do I. I still stand by my statement....

The only way a male can be friends with a female is if the following applies...
1. He is gay
2. He is not attracted to you(will explain in a minute)
3. He is getting sex from someone else who he thinks is better than you

I have 3 very close friends that are female. They have really helped me through some tough times in the past 6 or 7 years we have all been friends. They are all very attractive, could walk in a bar and get a date within 5 minutes. I look at them like my sisters, so Im not attracted to them in a sexual way at all. They could literally walk naked in front of me and I would probably run out the room like a little 13 year old...

My sister who is a model is very attractive also. She has boys chasing her all the time, she is 20, very smart, and just a stunning women. Now, Im 100% positive I will not persue a relationship with my sister....

get the difference?...

Plus let me add. Guys dont come to dating sites to make friends. Any female who actually thinks they will meet a guy over the internet and all of a sudden become friends are just well...dumb. It doesnt happen.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 69
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 9:16:27 AM

Plus let me add. Guys dont come to dating sites to make friends. Any female who actually thinks they will meet a guy over the internet and all of a sudden become friends are just well...dumb. It doesnt happen.


Wanna tell that to the couple men I have become friends with from this site?
There are men out there that can look past the boobs and butt and see a woman as
something other than a prospective date/fuk.
Guess that is where maturity comes into play
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 70
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 9:40:26 AM

Wanna tell that to the couple men I have become friends with from this site?


oh please tell. Are they in a different state?...Do you hang out with them on a regular basis?...I would like to know the dynamic of your "friendship"...

If you have met a guy on here who lives a bajillion miles away...doesnt count...

If you go out with a guy one time, then just exchange emails for the next three months...doesnt count...
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 71
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 9:56:13 AM
the "dynamics" of our friendships is different for each friend.
2 of them are local.....and yes, we "hang out" occassionally.
Just went to one's cousins funeral......cuz that's what friends do!

The others may not live close.....but I don't think it's your call on whether
you consider us "real friends" or not.
We know what we mean to each other.......whether it's thru email, phone calls or
messages thru POF......and your opinion on the "dynamic" of our friendship doesn't mean squat to them or me!!
 desert rat 2010
Joined: 12/11/2009
Msg: 72
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 10:07:11 AM
I have a lot of women friends, what's the big deal? I wouldn't date most of them if I had the chance, not every woman 'does it' for me.
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 73
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 10:09:29 AM

and your opinion on the "dynamic" of our friendship doesn't mean squat to them or me!!


of course it doesnt. It proves my point...thats why. If all you do is email and im eachother over the net, then you are not friends.....

Just two messages ago you were so quick to jump on me, now all of a sudden you dont want to explain it and it "doesnt matter to you"....funny..

Guys dont come to internet dating sites to make friends. FACT.....
 Everyda
Joined: 10/2/2009
Msg: 74
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 10:19:30 AM
In most cases it depends on how the relationship was formed. If one person was attracted to the other but somehow ended up in the friendship zone then the chances for this being an true platonic friendship aren't that great. If we become friends because of mutual interest then our chance to be friends are greater
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 75
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 10:19:46 AM
But I did explain it to you.
I gave you the "dynamics" of those friendships.

and I stated your "opinion" doesn't change the dynamics of those friendships.

Just because you're only here for one reason.........it doesn't mean everyone is.

If you can't consider someone you interact with daily online a friend....
that's your issue.......not mine.
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